Previous Episode Next Episode 
Cousin Gerard

‘Cousin Gerard’

Season 4, Episode 7 - Aired November 8, 1999

Marie pushes Ray to hire his cousin Gerard (guest star Fred Stoller) to help with the book he's writing.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Wait, Gerard, if there's something wrong, you gotta tell me.
Gerard: No, it's just- I don't know. Doesn't whore have a "W"?
Ray: What are you talking about?
Gerard: You called some guy a whore in here.
Ray: Wait, wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't- I don't call a guy a whore in my book.
Gerard: Yes, you do. "Lou Gehrig was the Iron Hore" H-O-R-E.
Ray: Yeah, horse. See, I forgot the S. He was the Iron Horse.
Gerard: Oh. That doesn't make sense either.


Quote from Robert

Ray: Wait, what does that mean?
Frank: I don't know. We're used to you.
Ray: Used to me?
Robert: Yes. This means you are annoying. We just developed a tolerance for you.
Ray: Tolerance for me? You tolerate me? Goodbye, everybody.
Frank: Hey, hey! Don't get mad at us.
Marie: Come on, he's right, dear. You're the one who came over here asking us if you're annoying.
Robert: Which, in and of itself, is quite annoying.
Ray: Why, huh? Why is that annoying, Robert?
Robert: Because you already know the answer. See, that's you all over. Debra already told you yesterday you were like Gerard, right? But is that good enough for you? No, you have to check with everybody else. Poll the world. They won't mind. Because no one else is really important, are they, Raymond? What do you think, we're just hanging on hooks over here waiting for you to stop by?

Quote from Ray

Gerard: Do you mind if I sit? Sometimes my legs give out unexpectedly.
Ray: Oh, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. You know, you don't have to do this if you don't want to.
Gerard: What do you mean?
Ray: I mean you shouldn't be forced into doing something you don't want to do.
Gerard: I'm not gonna have to do anything weird, am I?
Ray: What? No, no, no, no, no.
Gerard: I mean, we are in a basement. Remember when you had that idea....
Ray: Oh, we were seven.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Hey, how did it go with Gerard today?
Ray: Yeah, thanks for mentioning things to my mom, pepper squat.
Debra: What?
Ray: I can't get any work done. He's allergic to the pen. And he keeps asking me stupid questions.
Debra: You gotta just give the guy a chance, you know?
Ray: You try spending a day in the basement with him, you know? He's always got something negative to say about everything, even when I compliment him. Then he keeps complaining in that nasal whiny voice. "Oh no, I spilled whiteout." [Debra laughs] What?
Debra: You could be twins.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Ooh, Raymond, nobody says you're annoying. You're just blowing this whole thing out of proportion.
Ray: Well, am I?
Frank: Yeah, I-I don't hate you. I wonder why that is.
Ray: Just say it. I'm annoying! Right? I got the same nasal voice. I look droopy like him. I'm negative.
Frank: No, no, no, I know all that. It's just, it's different with you. Damned if I know what it is, though.
Marie: I know what it is: You're our son.
Frank: That's it!

Quote from Ray

Marie: It is so exciting to see you writing a book.
Ray: Thanks. Thank you, Ma.
Marie: Does it have to be about sports?
Ray: Yeah, well, it's either that or about mothers who can't let go.

Quote from Ray

Ray: I'm annoying? You have your own place and yet you're always over here. Annoying.
Robert: That's loyalty. That's a devoted son.
Ray: Fine, that's your spin on it. Okay, good. You can have that. How about the way you eat? Every time you take a bite, you touch it to your chin first. What do you call that?
Robert: Quirky. If I was famous, everyone would be doing it. [does so]
Ray: Your feet smell.
Robert: [laughs] All right, now you're grasping.
Ray: How about laugh right there, huh? That's annoying.
Robert: Amy thinks it's cute.
Ray: She's annoying too. [Robert stands up] I've made my point. [Ray runs out]

Quote from Ray

Ray: Okay, so all you gotta do is kinda just check for spelling and punctuation. Here, you know what? Just highlight anything that you see is wrong. That's all.
Gerard: Oh, boy.
Ray: What? Already? You found something already?
Gerard: Do I have to use this highlighter?
Ray: Why? Why, what's wrong?
Gerard: This is really throwing off fumes. I'm getting high here.
Ray: What do you want?
Gerard: How about that red pencil?
Ray: I'm using it. I'm using the red pencil.
Gerard: Okay. Listen, you're the boss. [covers face with t-shirt]

Quote from Marie

Marie: Listen, Debra mentioned you might need someone to help you get organized.
Ray: Oh, she did? Yeah.
Marie: Mm-hmm.
Ray: Yeah, isn't that nice how she mentions things to you? Listen, Mom, I appreciate the offer, but I don't need any-
Marie: Oh, no, no, no, it's not me, Raymond, although I'd be a terrific gal Friday.

Quote from Marie

Marie: I was thinking about your cousin Gerard.
Ray: Gerard? Oh, I don't like Gerard.
Marie: Yes, you do.
Ray: Isn't he always in the hospital?
Marie: Well, he's a fragile boy. I mean, he has allergies and he has a poor sense of balance, but he's much better now.

Page 2