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‘The Christmas Picture’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Christmas Picture

411. The Christmas Picture

Aired December 13, 1999

After fishing for hints from Marie, Ray decides to get his parents a Barone family portrait for Christmas.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Hey, Mom and Dad, I think I know what I'm gonna get you for Christmas.
Frank: Better not be a pet. I hate people who give pets.
Ray: Yeah, yeah, we know, Dad.
Frank: Giving a pet means "You're old, I find you boring. Talk to a bird."

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Quote from Ray

Lois: Raymond, I just noticed that this background is blue. Do I have time to change into my gray pashmina?
Ray: [shouts] Get back in your place! We're taking this damn picture! Would you see what I'm dealing with here? Are you blind?
Warren: Uh, Raymond-
Ray: Baaah! No habla talkie talkie, okay? I've had it with trying to make everybody happy! I was trying to do something nice! I'm sick of everybody coming up to me, "Oh, talk to Debra." "Talk to your mother." "Why can't my girlfriend be in the picture?" "Oh, I don't want to spend Christmas with them." "Fix it, Raymond, talk." I'm done talking! Don't talk to me anymore, you hear me? If you wanna talk, talk to yourselves 'cause I'm out!
Lois: Maybe I'll just wear the blue.

Quote from Robert

Robert: What are you and Ray gonna get Mom and Dad for Christmas?
Debra: I don't know. Every year it's so horrible. Poor Ray, always wrong. He's over there right now fishing for hints.
Robert: [chuckles] Yeah, hints! Heh, he'll never learn. Mom doesn't give it up so easy. She always gives the same prepared statement every year: "Oh, I don't need anything, dears. I just want two nice boys."
Debra: You two ever try that?
Robert: Nice? It's too much trouble. We used to just go in on some Jean Nate After Bath Splash.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Come on, it's a family photo. It'll be nice.
Debra: Oh, all right.
Ray: Thank you, honey. It's good we're getting it done, you know, 'cause every year you get older looking, right? When I say "you" I I mean "me." I mean "me," plus $20.

Quote from Marie

Debra: You know, Marie, while we're talking about Christmas, I had this idea. Now I know this year is your turn, but I was thinking of starting a new tradition. What if we spend Christmas Eve at my parents, and Christmas Day at your house? That way nobody misses Christmas together.
Marie: [faint chuckle] That's lovely, but you'd have to leave Connecticut in the middle of the night to get back for Christmas morning.
Debra: Oh no, we would just stay overnight there and get to your house about 10:00.
Marie: [gasps] But- But- But the children coming downstairs in the morning and opening their presents and their little faces? How could you take that away from me?
Debra: Well, they'll still have faces at 10:00.
Robert: [chuckles] "Still have faces at 10:00." [Marie stares at Robbie]
Frank: Come on, 10:00's fine, Marie. Who needs that crack-of-dawn crap? Grandpa will give a better show at 10:00.
Marie: I have to say, Debra, you're killing Christmas.
Debra: Marie, it's really not that big of a deal. Right, Ray? [Ray is silent] Don't you think it's a good idea, Ray? Just like I thought the family photo was a good idea. I loved that idea, didn't I, Ray?
Ray: It just sounds like a lot of driving. [Marie hugs Ray] Dad, could I borrow $20?

Quote from Ray

Photographer: I think you made a wonderful gift choice. You have a lovely family.
Ray: You haven't met everybody yet.
Photographer: Don't worry, I can handle anything. I used to be a crime scene photographer.
Ray: Well, they won't be as quiet as your other clients.

Quote from Marie

Ray: What happened? You were right behind us.
Marie: Your father parked a mile away.
Ray: There's meters right out front.
Marie: That's right, meters, money, your father.
Frank: Mouth, noise, your mother.
Marie: Frank, there's a mirror over there. Why don't you go comb your... Oh, that's right.

Quote from Warren

Warren: Hola, Ramon! Yo estoy listo para la fotografia.
Ray: Okay.
Warren: That's "Hello, Raymond. I am ready for the photograph." I'm practicing my Spanish 'cause Lois and I are on our way to Buenos Aires.
Ray: Oh, yeah? What time's the flight?
Warren: Well, it won't be for a couple of weeks now. Despus del ano nuevo.
Ray: Yeah, yeah, that's great, that's great.

Quote from Ray

Ray: You did know she would hate this. You did know. Sabotage!
Debra: What are you talking about?
Ray: Why- Why are your parents here?
Debra: Because they're part of the family, Ray. And since I won't be seeing them at Christmas...
Ray: Aah. Oh, okay. Little Debbie's Revenge. You're trying to get back at me 'cause I didn't support you with your little stupid Christmas Day thing.
Debra: It is not stupid for me to want to be with my family at Christmas instead of yours.
Ray: Instead of mine. You said "instead of mine." That means you don't want to be with mine at all.
Debra: I am with them every day!
Ray: Well, so am I!

Quote from Frank

Frank: Hey, how much longer?
Ray: I don't know, a couple of minutes. Look, I gotta do something.
Frank: I can't take that Warren anymore. "Senor Windbag."
Ray: All right.
Frank: He keeps telling me about his latest collection vintage: walking sticks.
Ray: What do you want from me?
Frank: Talk about a waste of money, he doesn't even limp.
Ray: Just go, be nice to him.
Frank: He's even got one that holds booze in it. Surprise!

Quote from Ray

Ray: All right, listen. She's crying.
Debra: She is not.
Ray: She's got the "dry cries."

Quote from Ray

Ray: Are you gonna help me?
Debra: No! This is so typical of your mother. It's either her way or no way. This picture, where we spend the holidays, how I raise my children. Well, guess what? Not this time.
Ray: Oh, come on! You're killing me here! This is the first gift I'm getting her that even has a chance of working! Remember the toaster, huh? The aquarium? The Fruit of the frickin' Month Club! Don't you see? I thought she would like this because she told me she would! Just take the picture, and then I'll do whatever you want.
Debra: All right, we'll take the picture.
Ray: Thank you.
Debra: As long as my parents can be in it.
Ray: Ack! [mimes head exploding] Fine, okay, fine. They're in. They're in. Thank you for understanding. Now if we could just please get over there. Please, come on. Did I tell you how beautiful you look? You look beautiful. You're like a nice little peach.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Okay, Warren, vaya con Dios.
Warren: Actually, Raymond, that means "Go with God."
Ray: Well, that's good. I learned something new today, okay. Right over there, vaya con Franco.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Check out how your brother signs this card to my parents, and keep in mind he's known them for 12 years.
Robert: "Seasons' Greetings, Raymond Barone." Yeah, Mr. Warmth, huh?
Debra: Yeah.
Robert: Hey, you know what may help you? Put a little happy face in the "O."
Debra: Yeah.
Robert: People love that.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Oh, I'm really gonna miss having Christmas with them.
Robert: Oh yeah, the alternating years, huh?
Debra: Yeah.
Robert: That's a treaty that you and Ray worked out, right?
Debra: Well, I was drunk on eggnog.

Quote from Robert

Ray: One, two, three.
Robert: Hammock. You- You- You didn't say anything.
Ray: Hammock?
Robert: That's right, it's the perfect gift.
Ray: Yeah? You really see Mom fighting her way out of a hammock?
Robert: Shut up, she'll love it. It's like an outdoor couch. When Dad lies around, she doesn't have to look at him.
Debra: We should get a hammock.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Right, so let's hear your idea.
Ray: All right. You ready for this? 'Cause it blows your hammock to Oyster Bay. Family portrait photo.
Robert: Who wants that?
Ray: I think Ma does, okay? I think I was reading the signals loud and clear.
Robert: Yeah, and what were the signals, Ray?
Ray: She said "Raymond, I would really love a family portrait photo instead of something useless like a hammock."
Robert: She did not say that.
Ray: She will.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Um, you know, Ray, about this photo idea?
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: It's really stupid.
Ray: Why? It's perfect. It's what she wants.
Debra: Well, don't you think? Look, we're gonna have to spend, like, this whole awful afternoon with them, and then after we're done we have this permanent reminder of the whole awful afternoon with them.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Here are your Christmas cookies. I have to tell you- [to Frank] Not yet!
Frank: Will someone acknowledge the receipt of these cookies so I can have one?
Marie: Oh, Marie, those look-
Frank: Good enough.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Professional photography, one of the all-time great rackets.
Ray: All right, Dad, please.
Frank: Grab a camera, find some chumps, make 'em smile and say "rip-off!"

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