Warren: Don't cry, honey.
Debra: I can't help it. I mean, why the hell do you take vows if they don't mean anything?
Warren: We meant it then. We meant it when you were kids. But when your sister and then you went off to college, it kept getting harder.
Debra: Well, what about all the kissing, the traveling together and the Pookums 1 and 2 license plates? What was that?
Warren: I know. I know. I guess, by the end, most of that was just a show. And we had enough. We both had enough. It's not like Ray's parents.
Debra: What?
Warren: They seem to have the secret.
Debra: What?!
Warren: They know how to do it. It's not a facade for them.
Debra: But they're maniacs.
Warren: Yes, but they're honest with each other. Everything's out in the open with them. "Eggs, Marie, and hold the chatter." I love that. I'll tell you, they're the ones who oughta be giving the seminar.

Debra: I'm so sorry, Dad.
Warren: Yeah, me, too.
Debra: Sorry she's doing this to you.
Warren: What do you mean?
Debra: I know how she is.
Warren: Here, sit down. This is not your mother's fault.
Debra: Don't you defend her.
Warren: Listen to me. We have both been unhappy for some time now. Now, you know that.
Debra: All right, but you're the one who at least tries to make an effort, like wanting to go to that marriage counseling.
Warren: Can I tell you something? I never really wanted to go to New Jersey. You want to know why I picked that place? Because I was looking forward to how much your Mother would hate it. Well, she loved it, and I was the one bored out of my freakin' skull. Those workshops... "Polishing your soul mate's soul." So... You really mustn't blame your mother, honey. I'm the one who actually said it was over.
Debra: I don't believe it.
Warren: It's true.
Debra: And what did she say?
Warren: Well, she knew. We both knew.

Lois: Honey, this is beautiful. I love Peruvian art.
Debra: It's Incan.
Lois: Machu Picchu.
Warren: Gesundheit.
Lois: He always says that.
Ray: And it's funny every time.

Warren: Remember that time in Provence?
Lois: Oh, this is funny. [laughs]
Warren: We were in Provence... and I asked our waiter, "What are all these little herbs sprinkled on everything?" And the waiter says, "Herbes de Provence." [Lois laughs]
Ray: Oh, Warren.

Warren: Raymond, more wassail?
Ray: Uh, yeah, okay. Thanks.
Warren: I'm glad you like it. It's an old recipe from a Scottish brothel. Dates back to the 12th century. There's actual peat moss in it! [Ray picks out of his teeth] And, as the Welsh say, lechyd da!
Debra: Hey!
Ray: Brushum-feltya! I just made that up.

Debra: Robert, Dad, could you excuse us, please?
Ray: Everybody can stay. Can't they just stay? Where's your mother?
Debra: She needed some time alone, Ray.
Robert: Hey, Warren, you wanna go down to Marco's for a slice?
Warren: They have other things there?
Robert: Full bar.
Warren: You drive.
Robert: What if Emma wakes up?
Warren: Oh, she just went down. She's good for three hours.

Lois: It's so nice of you to give up your room for us, Raymond. I hope we're not putting you out.
Ray: No, no. No, except for the part where I've got to get out. [all laugh] Okay. I'll just get my jammies.
Warren: You know what's the best thing to sleep in?
Ray: A hotel?
Warren: Nothing! Au naturel. It really gives the body a sense of freedom, huh, honey?
Lois: Oh, let freedom ring!
Warren: Yeah, this is wunderbar.
Lois: Ah, nice firm mattress, huh?
Warren: Oh, yeah. This'll be great for my hip.
Ray: [quietly] My pillow.

Warren: Hola, Ramon! Yo estoy listo para la fotografia.
Ray: Okay.
Warren: That's "Hello, Raymond. I am ready for the photograph." I'm practicing my Spanish 'cause Lois and I are on our way to Buenos Aires.
Ray: Oh, yeah? What time's the flight?
Warren: Well, it won't be for a couple of weeks now. Despus del ano nuevo.
Ray: Yeah, yeah, that's great, that's great.

Warren: Hey hey, happy Turkey Day!
Lois: Yes, Raymond, thank you again for the lovely accommodations.
Warren: The coziest B&B on Long Island.
Ray: Think it'll be as cozy over in Europe?
Lois: Oh, I doubt it.
Ray: Yeah, so do I.
Warren: So where you keeping the libations locked up? It's got to be after 5:00 somewhere in the world.
Robert: I'm with you, Warren. Let's get snockered.

Warren: I'm sorry, but it's not healthy to go on pretending that everything is fine when it isn't.
Ray: Ma, you want to put the turkey down?
Marie: No.
Lois: Who are you to talk about healthy with your anal-retentive behavior? Why don't you tell everyone about how you keep your left socks in your left drawer and right socks in your right drawer.
Robert: What's wrong with that?