Marie: We didn't want to disturb you during dinner. But your motion-sensor light is not working properly.
Debra: It seems to be working just fine.
Marie: Now, yes, but something must be wrong with it because it didn't go on when Raymond came home.
Debra: No, Ray's not home yet. Did you get us that light so you would know when Ray gets home?
Marie: Also for your protection.
Debra: You know, instead of you looking for that light, we could just send white smoke up the chimney.
Marie: [chuckles] No, I wouldn't want to bother you. No, the light system works fine.

Marie: That's terrible. It's just terrible.
Frank: What?
Marie: Raymond doesn't come home for dinner.
Debra: Marie, Ray has the kind of job where he just can't leave at 5:00. You know, games go into overtime, and players have to be interviewed. Lots of things come up at the last minute.
Marie: Let me ask you this delicately. ls it possible he doesn't want to come home?
Debra: What's the blunt version of that, you kick me as you say it?

Ray: I don't get you. You weren't happy when I wasn't here, and now you're not happy when I am here.
Debra: Yes, it's confusing, isn't it? Well, I guess that what I want is for you to want to be here but not actually be here.
Ray: I can do that. I can want to be here whenever you want.

Robert: Raymond, let me ask you, do these pants look all right to you?
Ray: Are you still growing?
Robert: She hemmed them. They're two inches too short.
Marie: It's nice to see a little sock.
Robert: Ma, I'm out there with criminals, okay? It's life or death. I have to be taken seriously.
Ray: Why don't you make them into shorts, like the mailman?
Robert: The mailman?
Marie: You're so unappreciative, Robert.
Robert: Okay, Ma, fine. I just won't get out of the squad car, okay? Let's hope there's no crime today. That'll give me time to just maybe go by the post office and I can talk about fashion tips with the other mailmen.

Ray: All right, I'll help with the bags.
Marie: Don't be silly, sweetie. No, there's no problem, I'm here. You go to work, Raymond and I can help Debra.
Debra: No!
Marie: That way, everybody'll be happy. Oh, cookies from a log. You heat them up. Well, that's almost baking.

Marie: I just read an article about this very thing in the New York Times.
Frank: We get Newsday every day. What are you buying the Times for?
Marie: I like the obituaries. They're very well written.
Frank: You don't even know those people.
Marie: Well, I feel that I do after I read about them.
Frank: So you've got a bunch of new friends, all dead.

Debra: Who works at home, Andy?
Andy: Golden from the Post. They set him up with a satellite dish, a fax, and a modem. He never has to leave the house.
Ray: You ever read his stuff? It's like he's phoning it in. Because, well, he is.

Debra: Okay, kids, say goodbye to Daddy.
Ally: Why isn't Daddy going to work?
Ray: Daddy's at work. I'm working at home.
Ally: Can I go to school at home?
Ray: No. You wouldn't like it. None of your friends are here, no one to talk to, all alone.
Debra: You'll be fine.
Ray: Me? I'm happy. Look at me, I'm going to work in my bathrobe. I'm like Hugh Hefner, minus everything good about his life.

Ray: I wasn't fired. I wanted to work at home, so I'd have more time to spend with my family.
Marie: That's so nice. You want to spend more time with us.
Ray: No. This family. My family.
Marie: I can remember when we were your family.

Ray: All right, thanks for stopping by and whatever.
Marie: Look at that.
Ray: Yeah, that's a fax machine, Ma. I've got a lot of important faxes coming in, and I gotta get to them, all right?
Marie: What's this one?
Ray: This is from Dave. Apparently he's faxed me... his buttocks.
Marie: I don't like that, Raymond.