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‘Big Shots’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: Big Shots

319. Big Shots

Aired March 1, 1999

Robert asks Ray to take him to an event featuring the '69 Mets.

Quote from Marie

Robert: So what's new? I was just taking Shamsky out for a drive today. It's nice out, huh? So what's new?
Frank: Cut the crap. Your mother asked him already.
Ray: Robert, why do you have to have Mom ask me to take you to the Hall of Fame?
Robert: Ma, you were supposed to make it seem like it just came up.
Marie: And you were supposed to wait across the street until I flashed the Venetian blinds.

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Quote from Robert

Robert: The '69 Mets. The amazing match. The Miracle Mets. I love those guys. It's one of the few bright spots of my childhood. I just wish Dad had taken us to a game.
Ray: Hey, he took us to a lot of Yankee games. That was fun.
Robert: Well, maybe for you. I hated the Yankees.
Ray: What do you mean you hated the Yankees? You cried every time they lost.
Robert: It's because Dad told me it was my fault.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Look, we'll go in, you'll meet Art Shamsky and the rest of the Mets. On the ride home, we'll get you a Happy Meal.

Quote from Robert

Ray: What are you doing?
Robert: I just want to preserve this moment. I mean, how often do I get to see the "Ray-Doesn't-Get-Everything Show"?
Ray: Okay, I know what this is. "Oh, it never ends for Raymond. He has everything, I have nothing. Oh, mopey, mopey, pouty, pouty, snooty, snooty. Oh!"
Robert: No, no, I admit that there may have been times when I might have mentioned in passing that I possibly envied you. But not anymore. And would you like to know why?
Ray: Yeah, no, not really. Where the hell is the waitress?
Robert: Everything you have: successful career, great family, free hot dogs, has made you lose touch with reality. You are spoiled.
Ray: Oh yeah, and I guess all those years sponging off Mom and Dad have made you a better person.
Robert: It certainly did. I may have a thankless job, be divorced, pay full price for a hot dog, but I happen to have something you'll never have.
Ray: A tail?
Robert: Character, Ray.
Ray: Oh yeah, yeah. You're very superior.
Robert: Yeah, you see I am superior because I'm humble.

Quote from Ray

Ray: We must have hit a skunk that crawled out of the ass of another skunk. Put your shoes on, gouda feet.

Quote from Ray

Marie: So, Raymond, are you going to the Hall of Baseball tomorrow?
Ray: What?
Frank: The Hall of Fame, Marie. You ignorant-
Marie: Raymond, your brother was talking about some sort of a ceremony. It sounded like a lot of fun to me. And since you are a sportswriter and have such important connections-
Frank: Oh, just say it, Marie. The Hall of Fame is honoring the 1969 Mets. Your brother asked your mother to ask you to take him.
Ray: Which one of you do I say no to?

Quote from Ray

Ray: Come on, Raymond, you know how much that would mean to your brother. Mom, you know how long it takes to get to Cooperstown, okay? I'm not driving the car with Robert for four hours. His feet smell.
Marie: Well, take a bus.
Ray: A bus! That's a smelly feet contest.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Hey, you've actually met some of those guys. Kranepool, Harrelson, McGraw.
Ray: Yeah.
Robert: Man, what a life you've got, meeting sport's idols, free hot dogs. You're a lucky man, Raymond. Lucky man.
Ray: Nah, it's not that great. Most of the time I'm sitting in locker rooms, guys with towels, guys without towels.
Robert: I sure hope Art Shamsky will be there. You know, he homed on his first time at bat.
Ray: I know.
Robert: I can't wait to tell him I named my dog after him.
Ray: Oh hey, do me a favor, don't tell him that.
Robert: What do you mean? I brought Shamsky's collar for him to sign.
Ray: Whoa, whoa, you're not taking that thing into the Hall Of Fame.
Robert: What if I just let Art sign it but I don't tell him about the dog?

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hey, Tugboat. Hey, Tuggy Bear. Hi, it's me Ray Barone from "New York Newsday."
Tug McGraw: Oh, yeah, Barone. You're the guy that did the article on ballplayers becoming announcers.
Ray: Yes, yeah, yeah. How are you?
Tug McGraw: I'm doing okay, considering I'm one of the ex-jocks looking for a second career at the expense of the hearing public.

Quote from Ray

Ray: I need to talk to Art Shamsky for a few seconds.
Security Guard: I've been nothing but patient.
Ray: He's right there. I just need to talk to him. I want to talk to Art Shamsky. My brother loves him. He's got a dog collar for him!

Quote from Robert

Robert: Excuse me, uh, Lisa, may I have some some water, please?
Lisa: Sure.
Robert: And some dipping sauce for my little brother here.
Lisa: Coming right up.
Robert: Thank you, dear. [to Ray] You see, it's nice to be important. But it's more important to be nice.
Ray: Great, advice from a guy who made a teepee out of his French fries.
Robert: Big put down from a guy who just got kicked out of the Hall of Fame by someone with a flashlight and a whistle.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Now I may be upset that I didn't get to meet Art Shamsky, but I'm still able to keep my voice at a comfortable speaking level like so. You might want to give that a try too.
Ray: All right, let's try. Attention, jerk head, if you're joining me on the ride home-- I'm sorry, did I say joining? If you're mooching a ride home off me that you had to have your mommy ask for, there will be no talking, okay? You are not to say a word to me. And there will be no bathroom breaks either. So if you're smart, you'll do what I'm doing right now and visit the restroom.
Robert: Hope there's not a line.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hi, good evening, Officer Jaro-skiwi.
Police Officer: Jaroshowitz.
Ray: Are you sure? So what seems to be the problem?
Police Officer; I had you at 55 in a 40. License and registration, please.
Ray: Uh, okay, sure. Sure, registration. It's right around here. Somewhere I keep it. Robert, why don't you tell this guy who you are and what you do for a living? [Robert "zips" his mouth shut] So this is a 40, huh?
Police Officer: Mm-hmm.
Ray: Yeah, a big road like this, you'd think it'd be a 60. In which case, I'd be going too slow, you know? Then you'd have to pull me over for impeding traffic. [chuckles]
Police Officer: All right, sir, it's up to you, which ticket would you prefer?
Ray: Uh, speeding will be fine.

Quote from Robert

Robert: All right, excuse me, Officer? Yes? Sergeant Robert Barone, NYPD, 2-4 Precinct.
Police Officer: Oh, you're NYPD?
Robert: Yeah, this here's my kid brother Raymond. I was dozing off so I didn't notice he had such a lead foot. But I'm gonna keep a closer eye on him from here on out, okay?
Police Officer: Look, with all due respect, we're pretty strict here with our laws. So I've got to write the ticket.
Robert: But I carry a shield.
Police Officer: Then you should know better, Officer.
Robert: Hey listen, I don't know how you do things out here in the sticks, okay? But in the city, cops look out for one another.
Police Officer: I'm glad we had this conversation. It gave me a chance to notice your brother's inspection sticker. Now I might just be a country bumpkin, don't know much about all that book learning and fancy numbers, but near as I can figure, this looks like it's expired. I'll be right back with another little present for y'all.
Robert: Come on! We're the good guys. We're brothers in blue. This is Ray Barone from "New York Newsday." Come on!

Quote from Frank

Debra: You're watching boxing? The kids are here.
Ray: Maybe they could use a little counter-programming. You showed them that "Swan Lake" video, Michael came downstairs this morning on his tippy-toes.
Debra: Come on, kids, I have some snacks in the kitchen. Hey, let's see those tippy-toes. That's good. Yeah.
Frank: [to Ray] You only have a month or two before that takes.

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