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‘Season's Greetings’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Season's Greetings

612. Season's Greetings

Aired December 17, 2001

As Marie writes a Christmas letter everyone takes issue with how they're represented, starting with Debra.

Quote from Robert

Ray: Hey, at least I don't spend my whole life competing with my little brother!
Robert: Oh, yeah? Let me tell you something. I don't have to compete with you.
Ray: Oh, you don't compete? That's all you do! Look at this! You saved this for 10 years! 10 years!
Robert: Oh my God. I saved that letter for 10 years.
Debra: Oh, Robert, that's not so bad.
Ray: In a Ziploc bag! Everything I do... my job, my marriage, trying to get Mom and Dad's attention...
Frank: Leave me out of this.
Robert: Anytime something good happens to me, the first thought I get is, "Hey, what about that, Raymond?" And if it's something bad, I actually say a prayer that Ray... doesn't do so good that day.
Debra: You say a prayer?
Robert: "Come on, God. Get him!"

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Quote from Frank

Frank: I remember this letter. I had all the stuff I was going to do when I retire on this.
Marie: Was "being nicer to your wife" on there?
Frank: Might as well have been. It's all ridiculous crap. "Fix up a '57 Chevy and drive it across the country." Why would I want to do that? That's where California is. You all know how I feel about California...
All: Yes.
Frank: A state full of nut jobs, hippies, and artsy-fartsies. Drive across country? I'd rather drive off a cliff!
Marie: I'll warm up the car.

Quote from Marie

Debra: You cannot send this out.
Marie: I don't understand.
Debra: "Debra's cooking is coming along. Someday I might even consider her for a job at Chez Marie." You're considering me for a job in your restaurant?
Marie: It's not a real restaurant. It's make-believe!
Debra: What about this? "Debra is outnumbered by the kids 3-to-1, so I've had to help out, so now it's even." So you're saying that you are worth two of me.
Marie: No one's going to do the math. I'm just saying it's nice.
Debra: It's not nice. It's you having to help poor, pathetic Debra!
Marie: And isn't that nice?
Debra: It's not true. You are not sending this out.
Marie: Oh? I'm not?
Debra: Not like this, no way.
Marie: Well, I'm sorry, but this is my letter, and this is America.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Sorry. I'm sorry. It's just that your mother is sending out this stupid family Christmas letter, and I look terrible in it. She makes it sound as if she has to raise my kids and clean my house while I sit around and drool into a cup.
Ray: Just let her have her delusions. What else does she have... chasing Dad around the house with a can of Lysol?

Quote from Ray

Ray: All right, here's what it should say. "Ray entertains and informs his readers with stories that use sports to illuminate the human condition." You heard me. "Human condition"!

Quote from Robert

Robert: Is it anything like your last Christmas letter?
Marie: Well, I haven't written a Christmas letter in 10 years.
Robert: [removes paper] Look familiar?
Marie: You kept that 10 years?
Robert: Oh, yes. I wasn't exactly pleased with the way I was portrayed, and I made a solemn pledge to never let that happen again.
Ray: Dude, you are so weird.
Robert: Am I, Raymond? Am I? There were six lines in your section. I got three. Half, okay? And after it came out, everybody gave me a pitiful, pathetic look.
Ray: You always get that look.
Robert: It was more pronounced, man!
Marie: Well, we can't change anything now. But don't worry... there's a lovely part about you.
Robert: Oh, yeah? Let me see that. Uh-huh, uh-huh, okay, mm-hmm. Raymond gets 1, 2,3, 4, 5, 6... seven lines. And I get 1, 2, 3... three! Less than half! I'm losing ground!

Quote from Robert

Ray: You may not think my job is so hot, but 600,000 discriminating readers do.
Robert: So you've broadened the definition of the word "discriminating" to include people who do their reading
with their elbow on a roll of toilet paper?

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hey, eight maids a-milkin'!
Debra: You gonna do this every night until Christmas? Can't we just cut to "partridge in a pear tree" and be done with it?
Ray: Wow. Why don't we go to Macy's, you can punch Santa and kick an elf.

Quote from Debra

Marie: Okay, I've got to get those letters to the post office before they close.
Debra: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! You're still sending that letter?
Marie: Of course, dear. I have to.
Debra: You have to? Marie, when I speak, what is it you hear? Is it, like, backwards-talk or dolphin squeaks? [slaps Marie's biscottis out of Ray's hands]

Quote from Marie

Marie: You don't understand. This is the reason I have to send my letter. It's from my cousin Theresa. It came yesterday. Here, read.
Debra: "Merry Christmas and season's greetings to old friends and new friends, dear friends and true friends."
Marie: Enough, enough. I can't anymore.
Debra: I thought you like Theresa.
Marie: I love her, but read this here. "Our choir sang at the White House. My roses were featured in 'Good Housekeeping'." Look at all of those exclamation points. You'd think she pulled the Pope out of quicksand
or something!

Quote from Debra

Marie: I guess I'm just trying to make myself sound as important as Theresa. But what am I? I've got my kids,
I've got my grandkids, him over there. It's okay. I'll just let the world read about me in Theresa's letter.
Debra: What did she write about you?
Marie: Not much. How much is there, really?
Debra: Marie.
Marie: Third page, second paragraph.
Debra: "We saw Marie and her family at Kate Kelly's wedding. They seemed to be doing well in their cozy situation, living a stone's throw from each other... not that they'd ever throw stones, ha ha." Oh! She's a bitch!
Marie: Listen, I would never say that, but it's nice to hear.
Ray: Well, wait. What's so bad?
Debra: "Not that they'd ever throw stones, ha ha"? She's saying we don't get along. Where does somebody get off writing that?

Quote from Ray

Ray: All right, let's see what you wrote. "Robert is an in-demand bachelor, happily playing the field."
Robert: That's right.
Ray: "Robert loves to dance, and has been known to boogie the night away." So let me get this straight... you've broadened the definition of the term "boogie" to include staying home by yourself eating Wheat Thins?
Robert: I am a dancer!

Quote from Frank

Frank: [as everyone bickers] Hey! Hey, hold it, hold it! I'm hungry.
Marie: You'll have to wait. Debra and I have to finish our letter.
Ray: Look what they write about you in here, Dad.
Frank: What do you mean? What's it say?
Ray: All they do is list your favorite cable channels, and then they say, "His love affair with bacon continues."
Frank: Is the Surgery Channel on there, Marie?
Marie: First on the list.
Frank: I'm good.

Quote from Frank

Frank: I've wasted the last 10 years of my life.
Marie: Not now, Frank!
Frank: I didn't do any of the stuff on here! Now what the hell am I? Just a list of cable channels and a big, stinking pile of bacon waiting to die!
Robert: Big deal! At least you weren't competing with someone your entire life. You were your own man!
Frank: "Were your own man"? Past tense? You can't wait, can you?
Ray: Hey, don't worry, Dad. You're still alive, Just like I'm "still" a writer.
Marie: I don't want to hear this kind of talk! We should all be counting our blessings!
Frank: What blessings? Why did you write a Christmas letter? Look what you did!
Debra: Hey, it's not too late to do all the things on that list.
Frank: "See Frank Sinatra in concert"?

Quote from Debra

Debra: All right, all right. Enough. Here, make a new list and start on that. You can do it. You're not dead yet! And, Robert, come on! You're smart, successful, handsome, no matter what Ray does or doesn't do. You're not a loser. You're a lieutenant in the New York City Police Department for god sake.
Ray: And what about me?
Debra: You're fine. You're married to me, okay? All of you! Come on!

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