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‘Security’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Security

816. Security

Aired February 23, 2004

After Robert takes a part-time job as an alarm salesman, he questions whether it's time to retire from the force.

Quote from Pat

Pat: It's just that you heard how concerned I was about how his decision would affect Amy, and I don't see why you couldn't just support me.
Hank: We'll discuss this later.
Pat: Okay. But we won't.
Hank: So I'm just supposed to go along with you no matter how I feel?
Pat: I do it for you.
Hank: What do you mean?
Robert: No moving!
Pat: Well, I don't always like the vacations we have to take.
Hank: What's wrong with Colonial Williamsburg?
Pat: We go there every year. There's never anything new. And I hate to break this to you: There never will be.

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Quote from Frank

Marie: But he's such a great alarm salesman. You heard what Ricky Safe-N-Sound said.
Amy: Marie, please.
Marie: I'm just talking. Since when is there a law against me expressing my feelings?
Frank: I've been trying to pass that legislation for years.

Quote from Robert

Robert: God, she has been on me since the day I signed up. "Don't go. You're way too big a target."

Quote from Debra

Debra: Listen, Robert. I mean, I know crime is bad, but do we really want to live this way, you know, always being afraid, hiding behind an alarm?
[Frank walks in the door with a piece of fried chicken. He puts the chicken in his mouth, unbuckles his belt, sits down and turns the TV on]
Debra: We'll take this one.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Robert, you've always said that wearing that uniform gives you such self-confidence. You know, how every day you put on that badge and squat down to look at yourself in the mirror.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Oh, Robert, I just want to say you should always trust that little voice in your head. Is your little voice saying, "Retire," or is it saying, "Don't retire"? Listen carefully. [exits]
Frank: A long time ago, my little voice told me not to do something... but I did it anyway. Now I'm stuck with a great big voice.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Where do you keep your after-Marie liquor?
Ray: We don't have any liquor.
Debra: Top cabinet, behind the Cream of Wheat.

Quote from Frank

Robert: Okay. So you could set the door alarms, or the motion sensors, or both at once. It's up to you. You see, with Castledoor, you're the king.
Frank: I don't need an alarm to scare away crooks from my home. I keep on old bat for that.

Quote from Debra

Amy: This is ridiculous.
Debra: Well, I agree. I think you're right. And I don't think Robert should retire.
Amy: See? She agrees with me, and she's the normal Barone.
Debra: Uh, technically, I'm not a Barone.

Quote from Hank

Robert: Okay, all right. Now, until tech support gets here, I'm gonna have to ask everybody not to move at all.
Hank: I was going to say, before that alarm set my heart into arrhythmia... that I don't think Robert should retire.
Amy: Thank you, Daddy.
Robert: No moving, please!
Hank: You see, I respect what you do, Robert.
Robert: Oh. Thank you, sir.
Hank: And I enjoy telling people that my son-in-law is a policeman, but if you were to retire... Well, I guess I could still talk about your unusual height.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Frank, don't you want to tell Robert something?
Frank: Oh, yeah. I think you should retire.
Amy: Come on, Frank.
Frank: I'm sorry, but Marie is my wife, and if I can't support her in this, then she'll be like an ice pick in my ear until I die.

Quote from Marie

Robert: All right, actually, I'm trying to decide whether I should retire from the force or not. You know, and everybody, of course, has all sorts of opinions, and what do you think I should do?
Marie: You're involving them in your decision?
Amy: What's wrong with that? I think they could bring a fresh perspective.
Pat: I think he should retire.
Amy: What?! No, Mom! He's only thinking of retiring because it's what she wants him to do.
Pat: Oh, but, honey, being a police officer is such a dangerous job. I would think you would want what's best for him.
Marie: That's a lovely blouse, Pat.

Quote from Frank

Marie: My husband is as stubborn as an ox too. But at least on this issue, he knew enough to stay in line.
Frank: "Stay in line"? Hey, I make my own decisions.
Marie: Of course you do, Frank.
Frank: That's it! Robert, you should stay a cop. In fact, you should be a motorcycle cop. With no helmet. In fact, you should ride an Evel Knievel rocket-cycle.
Marie: Stop it, Frank! You're just trying to cause trouble. That's all you ever do.
[Frank stands up and raises his arm, triggering the alarm]
Frank: Jeezaloo! I'm sorry! This one sounds just like Marie!

Quote from Robert

Robert: No. All I want this year is the peace of mind of knowing that you and yours are secure in your own home.
Debra: What?
Robert: You are looking at the newest sales rep for Castledoor Home Security Systems. I'm gonna be moonlighting a few hours a week.
Ray: Really?
Robert: Yeah, I thought I'd try to bring home a little extra cash.
Debra: Oh well, that's great, Robert.
Ray: Castledoor, that's the ad with the the king slamming the gate on the masked robber?
Robert: Yeah. King Safe-N-Sound.

Quote from Robert

Robert: So, l, uh, couldn't help but noticing that, uh, you guys don't currently have a home security system.
Ray: All right. Here we go.
Robert: [clears throat] In today's world, it is a sad fact that most local law enforcement can't seem to respond to an emergency as quickly as one would hope; sometimes not at all.
Debra: You do know you're a policeman, right?
Robert: Well, research shows that when a would-be intruder sees the Castledoor sign posted on the front lawn, he moves on.
Ray: Sold. We'll take one of those signs.
Robert: It doesn't work that way.
Ray: Well, but if the guy doesn't look-
Robert: Doesn't work that way, Raymond!

Quote from Frank

Frank: Marie, with all the tension I think we've lost sight of the fact that it's getting very close to my dinnertime.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Ugh! It's still doing it, Robert. Motion sensors still going off for no reason at all.
Robert: Yeah, well, you know, the Excalibur 2000 can be a little buggy. You know, for just an extra $24.99 a month, I could install an upgrade.
Ray: Yeah. How about I install my foot right up your-
Debra: Ray!

Quote from Amy

Robert: So, Debra, I didn't get to hear your opinion yesterday. Do you think I should retire?
Amy: Robert! He's been asking everyone what he should do. He talked to Andy and Gianni, his partner Judy, the guy she was handcuffing.
Robert: I'm sorry, but it's an important decision, and everyone has a different opinion.
Amy: You're only asking everyone 'cause you don't want anyone to be mad at you!
Ray: Yeah, how's that goin'?

Quote from Debra

Robert: How about you, Ray? Care to weigh in?
Ray: Yeah. I think you stink at everything. Fix my alarm!
Marie: [enters] Let's just do this, Frank.
Debra: Why doesn't the alarm go off now?

Quote from Frank

Frank: Your mother wouldn't wrap your present, so I put it in a coat. Happy birthday. You don't get the coat.

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