Hank: I like to blow up fireworks.
Pat: What are you saying, Hank?
Hank: That's right. Do you think you're easy to live with all the time, Pat? So skittish and faint-hearted and "Oh, my"? And last year, I caught a student with fireworks and they were still in my briefcase when I got home. You were on the couch, recuperating from your trip to the grocery store. I wanted to tell you to just get over it, but instead, I took the fireworks into the woods and I blew them up. And I liked it. So I got more. I had to drive to West Virginia. But it feels good to be able to really make some gosh darn noise.
Pat: So when you go on your nature walks?
Hank: That's right. I blow up nature. Boom!

Pat: Would you like some warm cider?
Robert: Oh, no. No, thank you. I don't want to take up too much of your time. Anyway... Um... The reason that I'm here... [takes deep breath] I've been thinking a lot about Amy, and she means the world to me. In fact, that's why I'm here. I wanna do things right. A- A- And out of respect for her and you, I would like to formally request your daughter's hand in marriage.
Hank: No.
Robert: What?
Hank: No.
Robert: No?!
Hank: We don't think it's a very good idea.
Pat: It's nice to see you again, though. You probably have a long drive back. I'll put some cider in a cup for you.

Robert: But I'm- I'm different now. I- I feel-
Hank: Robert, I'm the kind of fellow who loves a good discussion. Ask anybody. I'm that kind of guy. But this is not open for discussion. Okay?
Peter: I'll show him the door.
Robert: Wait. Wait. Just... Uh... Let me... Okay, so what you're saying is, I can't marry your daughter?
Hank: That's correct. But thanks for asking.

Hank: You know, I'm sorry that our two families seem to have gotten off on such a wrong... what's the word... foot. I mean, I like to think that I'm a nice fella, and I was always taught to find the good in people, and I would like to with you, Frank. [extends hand]
Frank: Well, I think you are a nice fella, Hank. [shakes Hank's hand] But I gotta tell ya, you're not gonna find much good in people when they drive all the way to Pennsylvania for a big, long wedding and you screw them on the booze.
Hank: Well.
Frank: "Well"? That's all ya got? "Well"?
Hank: Yes, because "well" is what one says when one is shocked, but not particularly surprised, by someone's boorish behavior. Well.
Frank: [chuckles] That is so frickin' sad.
Hank: Oh yes, Frank, that's sad? Well, I want my money back. Now who's sad? Oh, Mr. Bartender, don't give this man any alcohol. He seems to have had more than enough over the course of his life.
Frank: I'm a veteran!
Hank: A veteran of the Bad Manners Army.
Frank: Take a hike, boy scout!

Hank: I don't care what the part is. I do not want to be in that musical.

Pat: We got to see Peter's apartment for the first time.
Debra: How's Peter doing?
Hank: He's doing great. [Pat sobs]
Amy: Mom, what's wrong?
Pat: I'm sorry. It's just that Peter's really not doing great.
Debra: What's the matter?
Hank: Mother's concerned because Peter is an unkempt layabout who constantly disappoints us, that's all.

Marie: Oh, it's so wonderful that you can join us for brunch. Homemade blueberry muffins.
Pat: Oh, it's nice of you to offer, Marie, but actually, we already ate breakfast.
Marie: This is brunch.
Hank: Actually, I don't eat muffins.
Marie: I'm sorry?
Pat: It's nothing personal. He's never had one.
Marie: You've never had a blueberry muffin?
Hank: I've never had any kind of muffin.
Marie: In your life?
Hank: It's just never appealed to me. [Amy shrugs]
Frank: I'll take his muffin.
Marie: Oh, no. It's not polite to eat if other people aren't.
Frank: Didn't you hear? He's never gonna eat.

Hank: Dear Lord, we ask You, in this time of turmoil, to provide us with wisdom and compassion, that we might act in accordance with Your will. Amen.
All: Amen.
Frank: I can beat that.
Debra: Frank, we're not competing.
Hank: This is hardly worshipful.
Frank: Oh, yeah? Who made you the prayer sheriff?
Hank: I am not the prayer sheriff. But I will not let you use our Lord to continue your own personal arguments. It's... It's sacrilege.
Frank: You're right. And let's put an end to all this. Dear Lord, please keep this in-law family the hell away from me!
Hank: Fine. Then you stay the heck away from us, too.
Frank: You can say "heck" all you want. He knows you mean "hell."
Hank: Whether I say it or not, I believe that is where you're going!
Frank: How about I take you with me?

Robert: Okay, all right. Now, until tech support gets here, I'm gonna have to ask everybody not to move at all.
Hank: I was going to say, before that alarm set my heart into arrhythmia... that I don't think Robert should retire.
Amy: Thank you, Daddy.
Robert: No moving, please!
Hank: You see, I respect what you do, Robert.
Robert: Oh. Thank you, sir.
Hank: And I enjoy telling people that my son-in-law is a policeman, but if you were to retire... Well, I guess I could still talk about your unusual height.

Hank: You know, I am not only the vice principal at Cooper Junior High School, I am also the Health Ed teacher.
Marie: Good. Tell him how bad smoking is.
Hank: When any faculty member brings me a youngster who they've caught smoking, do you know what the first thing is that I ask them? "Why don't you just drink poison?" Well, Mr. Barone, I'll ask you the same thing: Why don't you just drink poison?
Robert: Do you have any?
Hank: Jokes. Funny business. It's what I get from my 12-year-olds, and I guess it's what I'll get from you as well. Can you believe this, Mother?
Pat: Wait. Robert... I'm very disappointed in you.