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‘What's with Robert?’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: What's with Robert?

412. What's with Robert?

Aired January 10, 2000

After Robert breaks up with Amy, his family start to wonder why he hasn't settled down yet.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Hello, dear. You're just in time for pancakes.
Frank: Hey, those are my pancakes. Why can't he wait for the next batch?
Marie: I love him.
Ray: Oh, boy, these are good!
Frank: I've been sitting here a half an hour. Tomorrow you're gonna read my obit: "Local Man Dies Waiting for Flapjacks."
Marie: "Marie Barone Dances in Street."
Frank: "Disaster Declared. President to Visit Street."

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Quote from Frank

Marie: What are you reading?
Frank: The obituaries. [chuckles] I beat all these guys.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Sit down, dear.
Robert: No, it's just this thing with Amy was, I couldn't commit right now. I don't know what it is. Maybe she's not the one for me.
Marie: Is it because she's a woman?
Robert: Oh, my God! Is there a gas leak in here?
Marie: I just want to tell you that your father and I love you and we'll support you no matter what. Right, Frank? [Frank is cooling his head with a milk carton] I'll support you.
Robert: Thanks, Ma.
Marie: Even if you are gay.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh, forget it, Raymond. Forget it, it's no use. I've seen how your father acts in front of people who happen to be homosexual. He's the same ass he is in front of us.
Ray: You know some homosexual people?
Marie: Of course we do! My second cousin Frieda.
Frank: What?
Marie: You knew that.
Frank: I most certainly did not.
Marie: Why do you think she never got married?
Frank: Because she looks like a pit bull.
Marie: She even brought her girlfriend to our anniversary party.
Frank: That blue hair who ate all the meatballs?
Marie: They've been together for years. Midge.
Ray: And you have no problem with this?
Marie: It would have been nice if she left some meatballs for the other guests, but I have no problems with the gay people.

Quote from Robert

Robert: What if I don't know?
Ray: You're not! What- Even if you were, all right, it wouldn't be the end of the world. You'd still be my brother. My big homosexual brother.
Robert: That means a lot to me, Raymond.
Ray: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Robert pats Ray on his shoulder]
Robert: I'm glad we had this talk. This is nice. I should be gay more often. Hey, did you hear what Ma said?
Ray: When?
Robert: This morning. She said that she would love and support me no matter what. It's the nicest thing she ever said to me. The runner-up was "You've got spinach in your teeth."

Quote from Amy

Amy: Robert set me up. I mean, you don't give your girlfriend of two years a little velvet box for her birthday and not have it be an engagement ring!
Debra: Oh, Amy, I don't have any chocolate, but bite the heads off these animal crackers.
Amy: Thanks.
Debra: So, what was in the box?
Amy: Oh, one of those beautiful pearl we're-never-getting-married necklaces.
Debra: Oh. You just gotta give it time. You and Robert will get married eventually.
Amy: No. We talked about it. You know when he asked me why I threw the velvet box at his head. He told me, "I still don't know what I want. It's not you, it's me."
Debra: Oh, God. "It's not you, it's me." That's on the "Guys' Greatest Hits" album.

Quote from Ray

Robert: So you never wondered if you were?
Ray: Every guy wonders if he is at some point.
Robert: You sure?
Ray: Yeah, yeah. You wonder and then you see some breasts, you walk into a wall, and there you go.

Quote from Ray

Robert: So when did you think about it?
Ray: I don't know. I don't know. I don't remember.
Robert: You don't remember 'cause you never thought about it.
Ray: I thought about it.
Robert: When?
Ray: 10th grade.
Robert: Go ahead.
Ray: Nothing, it's Patrick Lopez wrote "You're a gay" in my yearbook, and I thought maybe I was.
Robert: Just because he wrote that?
Ray: No, because Patrick Lopez was gay, and I thought he would know.

Quote from Amy

Amy: So I broke up with him.
Debra: Again? On your birthday?
Amy: Why not? I came into this world alone.
Debra: Oh, Amy. Oh, sweetie.
Amy: No, it's my fault. I keep falling for the wrong guys. This is my pattern.
Debra: Your pattern used to be falling for guys who were gay.
Amy: They didn't start out gay. They became gay after going out with me.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Maybe Robert is gay.
Debra: No. Are you serious?
Amy: Think about it. He color-coordinates his clothes, he can dance, he's certainly very attached to his mother. And he didn't pressure me to sleep with him when I wasn't ready that whole first year.
Debra: Yeah, but then you did sleep with- Oh, this is ridiculous. Robert likes women, he was married once.
Amy: Yeah, I know, he started out straight, but I turn them. I'm the spatula.

Quote from Ray

Debra: I should never have fixed Amy and Robert up.
Ray: Hey, they had a good run. Sometimes these things don't work out, you know? And sometimes they do. [kisses Debra's neck]
Debra: 2 and a half child-bearing years off of Amy's life.
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: You know what I don't understand?
Ray: That when I kiss your neck I'm not checking for ticks.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Robert is always saying that he wants what you have: a house, a wife, kids. He's gonna end up spending the rest of his life going on date after date looking for love with strangers!
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: I'm serious. I think Robert needs to get some help. He's got this big fear of commitment.
Ray: Is that what Amy thinks?
Debra: No, Amy thinks he's gay.
Ray: [chuckles] Yeah, I'll bet she does.
Debra: What's that supposed to mean?
Ray: Nothing, I just I think it's funny how a woman always says, if a guy rejects her, "Oh, he must be gay." You always reject me, and I don't call you a lesbian... every single time.

Quote from Ray

Debra: I mean, is there a chance?
Ray: That you're a lesbian?
Debra: That your brother is gay.
Ray: No! Why, just 'cause he's not married? Why are we talking about this? Oh, you will do anything to avoid sex with me!
Debra: Look, I'm just saying, maybe he is, and maybe he doesn't know that he is.
Ray: He's definitely not, all right? He's my brother.
Debra: Oh, okay. You know, can I tell you something? There are some men that won't even consider the possibility because it would be too devastating to their homophobic families.
Ray: Ooh, look at my big words!
Debra: I'm just saying that, you know, even if Robert suspected that he might be that way, you could see how he would think it would be easier not even to deal with it, even if it meant ending up old and alone. And wouldn't that be sad?
Ray: You wanna see old and alone? [lifts up the bed covers]

Quote from Frank

Frank: Do you dust too, with a little feather duster, Nancy?
Ray: You know, Dad, sometimes when you talk like that people could get offended.
Frank: Offended by what?
Ray: Nothing. Nothing. Forget about it.
Frank: What?
Ray: Nothing, it's just when you say Nancy, what are you implying exactly?
Frank: That your name should be Nancy.
Ray: And when you say Nancy, that's your word for gay?
Frank: Very well.
Ray: And you mean that as an insult?
Frank: Yes, I believe I do.
Ray: Well, that's not nice.
Frank: That's why it's a good insult.
Ray: No, I mean, that's not nice to gay people.
Frank: You're right. I'm sorry... Mary.

Quote from Frank

Ray: We were talking about Robert.
Frank: Robert?!
Marie: Robert's not gay, he's a policeman.
Frank: One of those Village People was a policeman.
Ray: Robert's not gay!
Marie: Then why did you say he was?
Ray: I didn't!
Frank: Hey, you taught him all those songs.
Marie: What? We sang songs together. [sings] Somewhere over the rainbow
Frank: Knock it off!
Marie: What?
Frank: That's how it starts!

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