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‘No Fat’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: No Fat

310. No Fat

Aired November 23, 1998

Marie goes on a health kick and decides to cook a low-fat Thanksgiving, much to the disappointment of the men in her life.

Quote from Debra

Ray: What happened? Why did they back out?
Debra: Oh, they're gonna be out of the country.
Ray: What?! Who leaves America on Thanksgiving? That's- That's pretty unthankful.
Debra: They like to travel and see the world, you know? Unlike your parents, who don't go any further than here.

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Quote from Frank

Marie: We had our cholesterol checked and the both of us are very close to the danger zone.
Frank: Mine was lower than hers.
Marie: One point lower.
Frank: I'm still gonna live longer than you.
Marie: What, 30 seconds?
Frank: 30 seconds in paradise!

Quote from Debra

Debra: What's going on here?
Ray: We're being supportive.
Debra: What about your diet, Marie?
Marie: What's the point of living longer if you're miserable, dear?
Debra: Yeah, I think that every day.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Want some eggs?
Frank: Don't listen to her. It's not eggs. It's that fake egg crap.
Marie: It tastes exactly the same.
Frank: Yes, exactly like crap.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Why are you making fake eggs?
Marie: Your father and I went to the Senior Health Fair yesterday.
Ray: Senior Health Fair? What are the rides there? The complain-a-go-round? Tunnel of gas?

Quote from Marie

Marie: Frank, the young man at the Health Fair said--
Frank: That stupid Health Fair. I go in there looking for a chocolate cone at the drugstore, next thing I know I'm getting my blood pressure taken.
Marie: My blood pressure was better than yours.
Frank: But I won the eyesight thing.
Ray: So did you have the cholesterol checked to break the tie?
Frank: Yeah and I won.
Marie: We're waiting for the urine test. I could still tie if your father has high blood sugar.

Quote from Ray

Marie: Look at this. Mm-hmm. A tofu turkey?
Debra: Yeah. It looks good, huh?
Ray: I would rather eat that page.
Marie: Oh, it says here you need a special mold to shape the tofu into a turkey.
Ray: No, you don't need a mold, Ma, okay? God does that, yeah. He takes a whole bunch of bird meat and he molds it into a turkey.
Debra: Come on, Ray.
Ray: I'm quoting the Bible here, Debra, okay?

Quote from Marie

Ray: Mom, what about your diet? Come on, I was supporting you.
Marie: You said I should do whatever it was that makes me happy
Ray: Yes I did, but--
Marie: But you know what makes me happy? Butter. Butter makes me happy. Hmm. Oh, mmm! This is good for restaurant food.
Ray: What about your cholesterol? The danger zone?
Marie: I'm close to the danger zone. When I'll get into the danger zone, I'll worry about it. Besides, it's Thanksgiving.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Where are they going?
Debra: They're going to... overseas.
Ray: What? What was that?
Debra: Nothing, they're going overseas.
Ray: Tell me where.
Debra: It's not important, okay? And you don't have to make fun of my family all the time.
Ray: I won't make fun of them.
Debra: Yes you will.
Ray: No I won't. Tell me where they're going for Thanksgiving.
Debra: Turkey.

Quote from Marie

[Ray wakes up in the middle of the night after hearing noises in his kitchen. After he cautiously walks through the living room and turns the kitchen light on, he finds Marie chowing down on a turkey leg]
Marie: Where am I?
Ray: Ma?
Marie: I had the strangest dream.
Ray: Oh, come on, Ma.
Marie: All right, I was hungry. [eats] I'd offer you some, but I don't want to.

Quote from Frank

Frank: What the hell is that?
Marie: It's milk for your coffee.
Frank: That's not my milk.
Marie: That's regular milk.
Frank: Not in a blue carton, it's not. Give me that. Skim!
Marie: It's better for you.
Frank: Don't give me better. Look, it's not even mixing. The coffee doesn't even recognize it.
Marie: If you don't drink that, I'm gonna...
Frank: What? What are you gonna do? Leave me?

Quote from Frank

Frank: Until then I'm eating what I want and I want real eggs and real milk.
Marie: Then you better go to IHOP, because from now on we're eating healthy in this house. Give me that. [grabs garbage bag]
Frank: What are you doing?
Marie: Sour cream.
Frank: No!
Marie: Bacon, cheese.
Frank: No! What, are you gonna rip my heart out?
Marie: Lasagna!
Ray: Hey, I could have that one.
Marie: Butter. A-ha, chocolate cake! And cannoli. All right, there. That's it.
Frank: [grabs the bag] Here, thank you.
Marie: Where are you going?
Frank: On a picnic. Out with the old bag, in with the new!

Quote from Ray

Marie: Actually I think it's very tasty. You just have to make an adjustment, right, Debra? [Debra takes a bite]
Ray: Kind of starts out with an aftertaste, doesn't it?

Quote from Frank

Debra: It has an authentic turkey flavor. And the good thing is you don't fall asleep after this meal.
Frank: That's all I had left.
Ally: It's Jell-o!
Debra: Shh, don't do that. [doorbell rings]
Frank: I'll get it.
Marie: Who could that be?
Frank: Hopefully the angel of death.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Well, Ray, you're gonna get your wish.
Ray: Yeah? Should I shower?
Debra: Not that wish.
Ray: Oh, come on.
Debra: You get to eat Thanksgiving at your mom's this year.
Ray: Yes! Ah! That's almost as good as my other wish, except I unbuckle my pants at the end.
Debra: That's always a good show.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Uh, listen, Romeo and Juliet, I'm gonna borrow a garbage bag.
Frank: What do you mean borrow? You're gonna give it back?
Ray: All right, I'm stealing a garbage bag.

Quote from Debra

Debra: And look, you never have to use butter. They have olive oil in a spray now. Smell, smell this.
Marie: Ooh, nice.
Debra: Mm-hmm. You put a little of that behind your ears, Frank will be all over you.
Marie: You think?
Debra: Mm-hmm.
[Marie rubs off the olive oil she sprayed on her hand]

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hey, Pinky. Hey, Debra.
Marie: Raymond, Debra's teaching me so much about cooking.
Ray: You're learning cooking from Debra? Yeah, okay. So heaven is here, hell is here. It's raining monkeys and wood is now a drink.

Quote from Ray

Marie: Oh, I wish I had started this years ago. I feel so snappy and peppy.
Frank: Ma, I thought you were doing this just to annoy Dad. That's a bonus.
Debra: Oh, Marie, come here, look, here's that section: How to Enjoy a Low-Fat Thanksgiving.
Marie: Oh-ooh, a Thanksgiving! Yes. Oh, I can't wait to make some of these things.
Ray: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You're not gonna do this for Thanksgiving.
Debra: Especially Thanksgiving.
Ray: You're still gonna make the real food for us though, right?
Marie: I guess I could.
Debra: No, no, Ray, your mother's not gonna cook two separate meals.
Ray: Why not? Huh? She loves to cook, Debra. Who are you to take that away from her?

Quote from Marie

Marie: Don't worry, Raymond, it will be delicious, like everything else that I cook. [Ray groans] Oh, I promise. I'm not gonna leave out the most important ingredient.
Ray: Turkey?
Marie: Love.
Ray: Love?
Marie: You'll live.

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