Ray: But no more. I'm not gonna lie to my kids anymore.
Debra: Yes, you will, Ray.
Ray: No, I will not. I'm not gonna do to them what my father did to me. From now on, only the truth. When my kids look back at me I want them to be able to say, "Okay, I'm all screwed up from that guy, but he didn't lie."
Debra: What a lovely thought for our children, Ray.

Marie: Ally is 5 years old, you Scrooge. Of course we lie. We all lie. That's what holds us all together. So you go in and lie to your daughter and I'll go home and feed the man I love.

Andy: What's with all the boxes?
Ray: Oh, this is my stuff. Deb and l... It ain't happening.
Andy: Oh, that's too bad. Mind if I call her?
Debra: It's a charity drive for the needy, Andy.
Andy: Oh, great. What can I have?
Debra: It's not for the emotionally needy.

Debra: You okay, Ray?
Ray: What if they're right? What if he didn't sign this?
Debra: Come on, Ray, I don't even remember you ever looking at that ball. It's been buried in the closet since we moved here.
Ray: No, not buried. Tucked away. You don't get it. Mickey Mantle signed this to me. "To Ray." Then he wishes me luck. "Good luck." Then he signs it, "Mickey Mantle". Look how the Y in the Ray is the same as the Y in the Mickey. You know, for one moment the greatest player that I ever saw was thinking about me. I know it sounds stupid but this guy, this guy is the reason that I'm a sportswriter. This guy... This guy is Mickey Mantle.
Debra: Actually, that's beautiful, Ray. It's very passionate. You remember what you said to me when you proposed? "So, how about it?"

Marie: Why do you insist on making this car-wreck our Christmas tree every year? I want a real tree.
Frank: An artificial tree saves water, saves the forest, and saves the planet. I'm a conservationist.
Marie: You're cheap.
Frank: All right, I'm saving money.
Marie: Oh, I hate this thing.
Frank: Fine then there'll be nothing under it for you.
Marie: Like I need another Totes umbrella.

Marie: Hey, Ray, darling. Merry Christmas.
Ray: Merry Christmas. Okay. Oh, did Rockefeller Center turn it down again this year? It's a shame. Here, Ma. Debra says thanks for the clothes.
Frank: What clothes?
Marie: It's your junk. Like that ratty moth-eaten gray sweater.
Frank: Moth-eaten? Marie, I love that sweater. And I don't wanna see any wild-eyed weirdo marching around in my clothes.
Marie: Welcome to my world, Frank. [exits]
Frank: Holidays are a very stressful time for your mother.

Ray: How could my father do this? He knew what that ball meant to me.
Debra: Ray, I'm sure it wasn't intentional. He probably didn't even think about it.
Ray: That's right. He just thought it was okay to lie to his kid.
Debra: Look, everybody does that sometimes.
Ray: No, I don't.
Debra: No? What about, "No, kids, that's not a store. That's a toy museum." And my favorite one is, "Uh, Daddy's just teaching Mommy how to wrestle."
Ray: That's my favorite one too.

Marie: My own son an atheist?
Ray: Not an atheist, Mom. I just don't believe in lying to my kids.
Marie: Oh, you stop being foolish. Now you go in there and tell Ally all about Santa Claus his flying reindeer his sled and all the rest of that malarkey.
Ray: I don't think that that's the right thing.
Marie: Oh, what's the matter with you?
Ray: Nothing's the matter. I'm just protecting her.
Marie: Oh, protecting her from what? We didn't have that Santa Claus discussion until you were 14 years old.
Ray: Yeah, but I knew about Santa when I was eight. What did you wait till I was 14 for?
Marie: Well, your father wanted to cover sex and Santa all at once. Sort of get it over with.
Ray: Yeah, don't think that hasn't had repercussions.

Frank: [enters in a Santa costume] Where's Ally? [sees Robert] Holy crap! What are you doing here?
Robert: I'm Santa Claus.
Frank: You're Santa?
Ray: All right, will you guys cut it out? She's confused enough already.
Frank: What's to be confused about? I'm the real Santa. Who is this impostor?
Debra: Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers.
Frank: Right, he's my helper. Hey, helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?
Robert: I bet you can't even name the reindeer.
Frank: Oh, Rudolph... Uh, Donner. Uh, Blitzen. Those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Uh, Cupid, Ajax and Lefty.

Ray: That's good. You think she's better off now?
Debra: Oh, they were just trying to help Ray.
Ray: Yeah, let them help by paying her shrink bills when she's having nightmares about two Santas and a reindeer named Lefty.