Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Ball’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Ball

112. The Ball

Aired December 20, 1996

At Christmas, Ray is upset to learn that the autographed Mickey Mantle baseball he was given as a child is a fake.

Quote from Ray

Ray: But no more. I'm not gonna lie to my kids anymore.
Debra: Yes, you will, Ray.
Ray: No, I will not. I'm not gonna do to them what my father did to me. From now on, only the truth. When my kids look back at me I want them to be able to say, "Okay, I'm all screwed up from that guy, but he didn't lie."
Debra: What a lovely thought for our children, Ray.

Rate

Quote from Marie

Marie: Ally is 5 years old, you Scrooge. Of course we lie. We all lie. That's what holds us all together. So you go in and lie to your daughter and I'll go home and feed the man I love.

Quote from Andy

Andy: What's with all the boxes?
Ray: Oh, this is my stuff. Deb and l... It ain't happening.
Andy: Oh, that's too bad. Mind if I call her?
Debra: It's a charity drive for the needy, Andy.
Andy: Oh, great. What can I have?
Debra: It's not for the emotionally needy.

Quote from Ray

Debra: You okay, Ray?
Ray: What if they're right? What if he didn't sign this?
Debra: Come on, Ray, I don't even remember you ever looking at that ball. It's been buried in the closet since we moved here.
Ray: No, not buried. Tucked away. You don't get it. Mickey Mantle signed this to me. "To Ray." Then he wishes me luck. "Good luck." Then he signs it, "Mickey Mantle". Look how the Y in the Ray is the same as the Y in the Mickey. You know, for one moment the greatest player that I ever saw was thinking about me. I know it sounds stupid but this guy, this guy is the reason that I'm a sportswriter. This guy... This guy is Mickey Mantle.
Debra: Actually, that's beautiful, Ray. It's very passionate. You remember what you said to me when you proposed? "So, how about it?"

Quote from Frank

Marie: Why do you insist on making this car-wreck our Christmas tree every year? I want a real tree.
Frank: An artificial tree saves water, saves the forest, and saves the planet. I'm a conservationist.
Marie: You're cheap.
Frank: All right, I'm saving money.
Marie: Oh, I hate this thing.
Frank: Fine then there'll be nothing under it for you.
Marie: Like I need another Totes umbrella.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Hey, Ray, darling. Merry Christmas.
Ray: Merry Christmas. Okay. Oh, did Rockefeller Center turn it down again this year? It's a shame. Here, Ma. Debra says thanks for the clothes.
Frank: What clothes?
Marie: It's your junk. Like that ratty moth-eaten gray sweater.
Frank: Moth-eaten? Marie, I love that sweater. And I don't wanna see any wild-eyed weirdo marching around in my clothes.
Marie: Welcome to my world, Frank. [exits]
Frank: Holidays are a very stressful time for your mother.

Quote from Ray

Ray: How could my father do this? He knew what that ball meant to me.
Debra: Ray, I'm sure it wasn't intentional. He probably didn't even think about it.
Ray: That's right. He just thought it was okay to lie to his kid.
Debra: Look, everybody does that sometimes.
Ray: No, I don't.
Debra: No? What about, "No, kids, that's not a store. That's a toy museum." And my favorite one is, "Uh, Daddy's just teaching Mommy how to wrestle."
Ray: That's my favorite one too.

Quote from Marie

Marie: My own son an atheist?
Ray: Not an atheist, Mom. I just don't believe in lying to my kids.
Marie: Oh, you stop being foolish. Now you go in there and tell Ally all about Santa Claus his flying reindeer his sled and all the rest of that malarkey.
Ray: I don't think that that's the right thing.
Marie: Oh, what's the matter with you?
Ray: Nothing's the matter. I'm just protecting her.
Marie: Oh, protecting her from what? We didn't have that Santa Claus discussion until you were 14 years old.
Ray: Yeah, but I knew about Santa when I was eight. What did you wait till I was 14 for?
Marie: Well, your father wanted to cover sex and Santa all at once. Sort of get it over with.
Ray: Yeah, don't think that hasn't had repercussions.

Quote from Frank

Frank: [enters in a Santa costume] Where's Ally? [sees Robert] Holy crap! What are you doing here?
Robert: I'm Santa Claus.
Frank: You're Santa?
Ray: All right, will you guys cut it out? She's confused enough already.
Frank: What's to be confused about? I'm the real Santa. Who is this impostor?
Debra: Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers.
Frank: Right, he's my helper. Hey, helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?
Robert: I bet you can't even name the reindeer.
Frank: Oh, Rudolph... Uh, Donner. Uh, Blitzen. Those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Uh, Cupid, Ajax and Lefty.

Quote from Ray

Ray: That's good. You think she's better off now?
Debra: Oh, they were just trying to help Ray.
Ray: Yeah, let them help by paying her shrink bills when she's having nightmares about two Santas and a reindeer named Lefty.

Quote from Frank

Ray: You know how much it meant to me to have a Mickey Mantle and what did you do? You brought home a fake.
Frank: Well, what was I supposed to do? I didn't know Mickey Mantle. And you wanted his autograph. So I went back for five games and I stood by the stadium door and Mantle never came out.
Ray: So you just got some trainer to sign it?
Frank: No, I signed it myself.
Ray: You signed it?
Frank: Yeah. I knew how much you wanted the thing so I practiced his signature over and over. Not a bad job huh? You know, if I could have gotten hold of the Mick's checkbook we'd be having this discussion on a yacht.
Ray: Why didn't you just tell me the truth?
Frank: Ah, I didn't want you to be disappointed. You're my kid. I don't blame you for being ticked off. I'm sorry I signed it. [Ray picks up the ball] What are you doing?
Ray: I want it now.
Frank: You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake, it still means something to you?
Ray: Yeah, Dad.
Frank: Then this Christmas, you're gonna love the Rolex I got you.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. Ally! [kicks Ally's bed] Ho, ho, ho.
Ally: Santa?
Ray: Hi, Ally.
Ally: You must be the real one.
Ray: Well, I know how much you believed in me and I just wanted to come by and say, thanks for the support.
Ally: You're welcome.
Ray: I have to go now. I have to fill all the stockings and eat all the cookies, and in general this is one of my busiest nights of the year.
Ally: Will you tuck me in, Santa?
Ray: Yeah, sure I'll tuck you in. Anything else that you need? A jug of water? A trip to the bathroom?
Ally: No, thank you.
Ray: Okay then. Sweet dreams. Always.
Ally: Santa.
Ray: Yeah?
Ally: See you next year.
Ray: Okay. Bye-bye. [trips] Oh, f-- Fa la la la la. [crawls out]

Quote from Ray

Ray: I can't see. I hate this side of the bed. I can't see the TV from here.
Debra: What do you mean? You picked that side.
Ray: Well, I didn't know it was gonna be my side for life. I gotta watch TV with a big foot in the middle of the screen. I'm trying to get the weather. I can only get from Wednesday over.
Debra: Do you wanna switch sides?
Ray: What? After seven years? I'II be all out of whack over there.
Debra: Maybe you'II do better with your next wife.
Ray: My next wife isn't gonna have feet. Right. I'II be able to watch the TV and I'II never have to go dancing.

Quote from Ray

Robert: There's a lot of stuff here.
Ray: Lot of ugly stuff. Who would buy this?
Debra: You bought it for me.
Ray: Oh. How come you never wear it?

Quote from Ray

Robert: Ray, you're giving this away?
Ray: What is it? Oh, my God. Debra, what're you doing?
Debra: What? It's just an old baseball.
Ray: Just a baseball? Just a baseball? I've had this thing for 25 years. This is my autographed Mickey Mantle ball.
Robert: Oh, Debra.
Debra: Sorry. So Mickey Mantle signed it?
Ray: So? So? This is like having a Bible signed by... [chuckles, raises hand to the heavens]
Debra: Yeah, it's exactly the same.

Next Page 


 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode