Bryan: I'm talking about the beautiful snack today.
Debra: We didn't bring a snack.
Bryan: Ray just gave it to me.
Ray: Will you shut up about the snack? All right. Just shut up about the stupid, freaking snack! Here! You want the snack. Here. Take it. Take all of it. Here. Are these healthy enough for you? Plantains! You couldn't just put bananas on the list, huh? I ate two of these before I found out you got to cook them!
Bryan: I'm sorry. I, uh...
Ray: What? You don't want to share T-ball with me? Well, guess what, I don't want to share T-ball with you, Bryan. Oh, by the way, your kid's costing us the game out there, okay? Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I'm keeping score. Ooh, bad! I'm keeping score, and we're losing because your kid's out there eating grasshoppers. Okay? I don't think that's an approved snack!

Marie: You know what you should do, Raymond? You're a big sports columnist you should do a column on T-ball for Newsday.
Ray: Yeah, sure. Right after my article on running through the sprinkler.
Marie: Well, it's better than just sports. It's about families spending time together. You'd be writing about something you love.

Ray: I got another snack list. And I think if we just bring, like, carrots and celery next week then everybody'll be happy. Except the kids.

Ray: Yeah. Why do you do that? It's like when I was a kid and I'd be with my parents and they'd get in these shouting matches. And not just with each other, with regular people. We'd be out, and they'd yell at the salesman or the waiter or the tollbooth guy and the cars behind us are honking, and my father's screaming: "Pennies are money." And the guy in the truck behind us gets out and...
Debra: Ray, I'm sorry about your whole life, but I'm not gonna let that guy intimidate me.

Ray: [sings] Take me out for some T-ball Take me out for some fun It's just like baseball, but you hit off a tee It's all little kids So there's no injury... [talks] Huh, rhymes, come on.

Ray: Let's go. Are you ready?
Debra: No, because every time I turn around, this one takes his clothes off.
Ray: You're supposed to dress them different, right? They have to have their own identity.
Debra: Okay, so he'll be Michael the naked one.

Debra: When we signed up for T-ball you promised that you'd be home early so you could help me and I had to get everything ready. I had to get them dressed. I had to get the team snack. Everything.
Ray: I had to write that song.
Debra: Yeah, right.
Ray: And you didn't hear the next verse. [sings] My wife, Debra, is so nice She is real pretty, too...
Debra: Ally, I'm going to need that bat.
Ray: [sings] She sexy, she's skinny, her breath is real good We don't have as much sex as we should

Frank: Ally tagged him out! What's he still doing out there? Hey, kid! Sit down! You're out!
Ray: No, Dad, he's not out, okay? Nobody's out. Those are the rules. It's okay. Don't cry, little boy.
Frank: That's stupid. How do you win?
Ray: You don't win. Okay, it's not like when we played Little League. This teaches them the skills without the pressure.
Robert: And humiliation.

Debra: Why do you care about that pompous little ass?
Ray: Okay, he's not your type of person. Okay, but there's no reason to yell at him. He's just doing his job.
Debra: Snacks at T-ball is not his job. He's an optician.
Ray: Exactly why you shouldn't yell at him. It's volunteer work.
Debra: I cannot believe that you took his side.
Ray: Well, he has a point. I mean, pretzels weren't on the list.
Debra: Ray! I don't care if I put out a bowl of rocks today, okay? We are married! If somebody talks to your wife that way you're supposed to support her.
Ray: What if the wife is almost yelling?
Debra: I was standing up for myself.

Debra: You know, Ray, why do you need everybody to like you?
Ray: What?
Debra: You know, you can never make a scene about anything because, God forbid, somebody doesn't like you.
Ray: Wait a minute. So I'm likable? Okay. Isn't that why you like me?
Debra: I love you, I have to like you. Next week, when we show up without a snack could you please back me up?
Ray: Okay, if it means that much to you. Or we could just quit T-ball. It's not like Ally's gonna turn pro or anything.
Debra: You are unbelievable. Why can't you just say, "Hi, Bryan Trenberth, I don't care if you like me or not but we didn't bring a snack this week 'cause my wife is as busy as hell and she brought a perfectly fine snack last week and if it's not on your stupid list, uh, I'm sorry, but that's your problem."
Ray: I don't really talk like that.
Debra: Yeah. That's too bad.
Ray: Hey, you know what everybody's gonna call us, don't you? "Mr. and Mrs. Pretzel." Yeah. Get ready.