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‘No Thanks’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: No Thanks

409. No Thanks

Aired November 22, 1999

Debra tries to a new strategy to deal with Marie's constant criticism of her.

Quote from Marie

Marie: All right, Deb, we're gonna... All right, we've had in the past, we've had our share of tiffs but I truly believe it's because you misunderstand me. I am not interested in a relationship of artificial pleasantries and phony smiles. You never ever have to pretend with me. I'm always honest with you, aren't I? And if I see something that you desperately need help with, like cooking, cleaning, the children, your hair, I care so much that I have to say something 'cause I want to help. Oh, honey. You don't have to be worried, dear. I forgive you for today. And I'm always here to help.
Ray: Voila.

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Quote from Ray

Ray: What are you doing? A whole day cooking with my mother.
Debra: Hey, look, unless I make an effort to change my behavior, I can't expect your family to change theirs.
And you could try this too, you know?
Ray: Why? I'm used to them. It's like getting into a hot bath. At first it's so hot that you don't think you can take it, but then, you know, once you get your luggage in, it's not that bad.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Marie, you were criticizing me, asking me if I knew how to stir, explaining a rolling pin to me.
Marie: No, I was just offering you useful advice like I always do.
Debra: "Advice."
Marie: Of course. It's one of the joys of my life. But today for some reason, you seemed to take it so badly.
Debra: What?!
Ray: [to Robert] Excuse me one second. Hold on. Can you pass the canapes, please?
Debra: Badly? I was laughing. I was making jokes about myself.
Marie: I know, and to be honest, I found that terribly sarcastic.
Debra: What do you mean, sarcastic?
Marie: Well, it means a sort of phony facade.
Debra: I think I know what sarcastic means.

Quote from Debra

Ray: If you gobble, then she'll get bored, and she'll just leave you alone.
Debra: Thanks.
Ray: "Oh, Debra, I envy you, the way you can just roll out of bed and put on anything and not even care." "Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble."
Debra: You know what? You might be right.
Ray: What?
Debra: Everything I told Ally about pretending it doesn't bother her, why haven't I tried that with your mother?
Ray: Because that's how you deal with children. Yeah, okay but normal children. This one's big and a little off her nut.
Debra: No, no. Every time Marie says something mean or insulting, I get mad. Maybe that's why she keeps doing it. I should just change the way I react to her. God, that's in every book.
Ray: [scoffs] Books. There's nothing wrong with how you react.
Debra: Ray, I wanted to hit her with a frying pan.
Ray: Get in line.

Quote from Debra

Marie: Okay, yes, all right. So that's good. See? Back and forth. Just like ironing. [looks at Debra] Oh.
Debra: [laughs] I know. It's true. I can't iron.
Marie: [chuckles] Well, where were we? Okay okay. Amy, you continue doing that, and I'm gonna need some help with the sauce. How does stirring sound to you?
Debra: Whatever you say, Marie. You're the master.
Marie: What?
Debra: You're the master. I mean, I'm just happy to be here. You're a brilliant cook.
Marie: Thank you. Those are such lovely earrings.
Debra: Oh, thank you, Marie.
Marie: You always have such nice taste. [off Amy's puzzled look] Are you all right, dear?
Amy: Yes, I've just never seen such lovely earrings.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Did you want to say something, Marie?
Marie: I don't want to butt in, dear.
Debra: No, you go ahead. Butt.
Marie: Well, your advice. I'm not saying it was wrong, dear, but well... It's not right.
Debra: No?
Marie: No, see, I've been mothering for 40 years. And I just think that if Ally pretends it's fine, then the twins are going to behave worse than you already let them.
Debra: I never thought of it that way. You're right. God, you know, it's just sometimes I am so scattered. You know? Gobble gobble! [Debra & Marie laugh]

Quote from Ray

Marie: Debra, I knew it. Your canapes are a big hit!
Debra: I'll be right in. My canapes are a big hit.
Ray: Yeah, are you sure she said "hit?"

Quote from Marie

Marie: If you didn't want to spend the day with me, Debra, I think at least you should have been honest about it.
Debra: I was being nice! I was trying to be nice. That was nice in there. Today was nice. And I was nice, damn it!
Marie: See, now you're getting a bit emotional.
Debra: Gee, I wonder why.
Marie: Ah, back to sarcastic.
Debra: If you didn't think I was being nice, then why were you nice back to me?
Marie: Well, when in Rome...

Quote from Robert

Robert: Okay, okay. I got one for you. All right, there's this old man, right? He's sitting on this park bench and he's crying uncontrollably, right? This guy walks up, he says, "Hey, old man, what seems to be the problem?" And the guy says, "I just married a beautiful 25-year-old woman," right? "Every evening she cooks me this great gourmet meal, then we have a wonderful night of passion, and we fall asleep in each other's arms," right? So the guy says, "Well, then why are you crying?" And the old man... [laughs] So he... Okay, okay. So the old man says... [all laughing]
Debra: Come on, spit it out.
Robert: The old man says...
Ray: Come on.
Robert: The old man says... The old man says, "I forgot where I live!" Right? Forgot where he lives.
Frank: That's a good one. I love an old man joke.
Marie: I married one.
Frank: Another good one!
Amy: [continues laughing after everyone has stopped] Everyone have wine?
Robert: Yeah, okay. Thank you, Amy.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Debra, I don't know why your rolls are all left. I like them. The burnt part gave them some flavor. Oh, and don't worry about those pots and pans, honey. I know how to do those.
Debra: Well, cleaning is cleaning.
Marie: You'd think so. [exits]
[Debra follows after Marie holding frying pan, until Ray stops her]

Quote from Debra

Debra: Thank you, Marie.This was a terrific Thanksgiving. I just love it. You know, there's that real family feeling, you know? I love Thanksgiving. I wish every day could be like this.
Robert: Yeah, me too. I love turkey. [Amy laughs loudly]
Marie: Well, it doesn't have to end on Thanksgiving. I mean, this Sunday is my turkey tortellini day, and I'm gonna teach Amy how to make it. So we can have another family feast.
Frank: All right, I'm wearing my stretchy pants to that one.
Debra: Sunday would be great.
Amy: Hey, Deb you should cook with me and Marie Sunday morning.
Debra: Gosh, really? Oh, Sunday I really have my hands full. That's bath day, you know? The twins and Ray.

Quote from Marie

Debra: I would love to cook with you guys on Sunday.
Marie: Really?
Ray: Belly of the beast.
Debra: And you know what? Ray's gonna be at the auto show, so we could do it at my house. We can hang out there all day. It'll be fun.
Marie: Are you all right, dear?
Debra: Yeah, I'm just super excited about Sunday.
Marie: Okay, wonderful. This should be educational for you. [exits]
Debra: Educational. That's a good one.

Quote from Debra

Ally: Mommy, the boys keep blocking the TV.
Debra: Yeah, honey. Well, remember what we talked about? Pretend it doesn't bother you and see what happens.
Ally: When's Daddy coming home?
Debra: Just try it. Trust me it works.

Quote from Amy

Debra: You had a nice time today, didn't you, Marie?
Marie: Oh, of course.
Debra: What, Marie? Nothing. It's just that sometimes if you have to spend an entire day with a person, that you need to make an effort.
Debra: It was an effort to be with me today?
Marie: No, I didn't say that. This was a very pleasant day.
Debra: Yes, because I made an effort. I was nice. It was me.
Marie: Okay, dear. [quietly to Frank] I don't know what she's talking...
Debra: No, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no, wait. I- You, Amy, you were there. You saw us. Who was nice?
Amy: I thought you were both nice. You're both very nice people. Wine anyone?

Quote from Ray

Ray: All right. There it is. The raising of the pan. Thanksgiving is officially over.
Debra: And always with that little smile. She's so good at that.
Ray: Yeah. That was like a drive-by.

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