TV Quotes

Celia: Why do I have to go?
Ray: I don't know.
Celia: But why?
Ray: Because I said so! Huh? That was big when I was a kid.

Ray: Look, just let me handle it, all right? Ally, I'm gonna give you to the count of three. If you don't start picking up your toys, no TV for a week.
Frank: Geez.
Robert: Oh, no.
Ray: One... Two. I'm not kidding. One, two... This is it. Two-and-a-half. Two-and-three-quarters. Let me tell you something, Ally. I don't know any more fractions, okay?

Celia: Let's just say I'm your daughter and I refuse to go to visit Grandma on her birthday.
Ray: Well, in this case, I happen to know Grandma, and I can't say I blame you.

Marie: Grandma's got some candy for a girl who cleans up.
Ray: No. No candy, Mom. Come on. Mom, you don't pay her upfront.
Marie: Just watch. All right, now, honey, clean up, sweetheart.
Ally: No!
Marie: What? Candy always worked. I don't know what Debra's done to this child.

Marie: What's wrong with you? How can you yell at your child in front of other people? Don't you know how humiliating that can be? [exits]
Ray: I hate you.

Ray: Look, when a kid misbehaves, you take away something that's important to her. What would you have done?
Debra: Honestly, I have no idea.
Ray: Well, then I think we shouldn't dump on the people who have ideas.
Debra: Okay, here's an idea, then. "Parent Effectiveness Training. Coping with your child's behavioral challenges."
Ray: Where did you get this?
Debra: They were sticking them on the windshield at Chuck E. Cheese's.

Celia: So if you've ruled out any medical problem, and your child is still wetting the bed he may be trying to tell you something.
Ray: He's telling you, "l have to pee."

Debra: Okay, I know that you feel that making you shovel is unfair.
Ray: Yes. Because I have to shovel the snow, I have to take out the garbage, I have to load the dishwasher, while you're up in bed not sleeping with Daddy.
Debra: Well, we all have chores we don't like to do.

Ray: Listen, Ma, when you were baby-sitting, did you change the twins' pajamas?
Marie: Yeah. They're over here. I wanted to treat some of those old spots.
Ray: We have a washing machine, Ma.
Marie: Yeah, I know, but stubborn stains need special care.

Marie: Frank, what the hell is this?
Frank: I'm not ready for ice cream yet.
Marie: This is our tax refund check. It was stuck to the bottom of the ice cream. You've been on my back for a month, telling me that I lost it. I'm not the one who eats ice cream in this house.
Frank: Oh, you eat ice cream.
Marie: Tofutti. I eat Tofutti.
Frank: You tell your friends you eat Tofutti, but then you eat my ice cream. Take a look at the Tofutti. There's not a dent in the Tofutti.
Marie: If I do eat ice cream, and I'm not saying that I do, I put it in a bowl like a person, not on the table where it gets stuck to an important check that somebody accuses me of losing.

Frank: Maybe you can take a class on that. I gotta go to grand parenting class at 3:00. [all laugh] Today we're learning "got your nose" and "pull my finger."
Ray: Make sure you don't miss the seminar on moving to Florida.

Ray: Okay, I read to Ally.
Debra: Oh, thanks for putting her to bed for me, Ray. It's been a really long day.
Ray: Yeah, I read her Rapunzel.
Debra: Oh, good for you.
Ray: Yeah? I don't know. Kidding around, I said, if you live in a tower and there's no shampoo and your hair gets long enough to climb on, it might get disgusting.
Debra: Yeah?
Ray: So Ally wants a haircut.
Debra: Well, we'll get her a haircut.
Ray: Now.
Debra: Ray, don't tell me I have to go-
Ally: I'm ready, Mommy.
Ray: I gave her a dollar to tip you with. Act surprised.

Debra: Okay, Ally. Daddy's going to be home any minute with dinner, so let's clean up. [Ally doesn't respond] Sweetie, why don't you take all your dolls off the table and wash your hands, okay?
Ally: Grandma, look.
Debra: Ally, please clean up.
Marie: Oh, isn't that nice? What's this one, a streetwalker?
Debra: No, she's an aerobics instructor, Marie. She's dressed for the gym. Ally, can you look at me? Are you having trouble listening?

Ray: Time to go home now.
Frank: Hey, I'm watching the game.
Ray: I think they're beaming it into your house, too, Dad.
Robert: Dad's taping Channel 5 over there.
Ray: Why? Why? What's on 5?
Robert: He wants to catch that commercial for the chicken restaurant.
Ray: Oh, the one where it's so good, the chicken goes there to eat it?
Frank: I'm dying to see it.

Debra: Ally, I'm done asking you. I want the toys picked up now.
Ally: No!
Debra: If you don't do what I'm telling you, you can forget about dessert.
Frank: Ooh, no dessert.
Ally: I don't want any stupid dessert.
Marie: Oh, my.
Frank: Sure you do.
Debra: Ray, I can't take this anymore. Could you handle it, please?
Ray: Okay, I got it. All right. Ally, wash your hands and do what Mommy- Don't make Mommy mad.
Ally: No.
Ray: Look, you have to do what Mommy says.
Ally: Why?
Ray: 'Cause I do.

Ray: Hey, lucky pants.
Debra: Thank you very much, Ray.
Ray: You're welcome. What did I do?
Ray: You know, I haven't had a minute to myself all day. You know, when you take TV away from Ally, you're punishing me, too.
Debra: You know what my day was like? It went something like this: "l wanna watch TV. " "No." "l wanna watch TV." "No." "l wanna watch TV." "No." Lunch. "l wanna watch TV." "No." "l wanna watch TV." "No." "Hey, lucky pants."
Ray: That's me. That's where I came in.
Debra: Yeah, what are you gonna do for me next, Ray? Take away her nap time?

Ray: Come on. Look, we don't need classes. We're great parents.
Debra: All right, you're a great parent, and I'm your lovely assistant. I don't feel like a great parent. Great parents don't find themselves in the supermarket going: "We don't throw plums." I need a class. We need a class.
Ray: A parenting class? That's supposed to come natural. That would be like taking a smelling class.
Debra: So you have nothing to learn here?
Ray: Come on. My mom and dad never took a parenting class. [Debra stares at Ray] I'm signing them up for this.

Ray: Okay, daughter. You have to go to Grandma's house.
Celia: I'm not going.
Ray: Well, you have to go. It's her birthday.
Celia: I hate when you make me do things!
Ray: Look, I'm not making you go, okay? It's Grandma's birthday. There aren't gonna be many more of them.
Celia: Oh, mmm. I'm gonna stop you just for a second, Ray. I don't think at this point, we need to discuss Grandma's mortality.
Debra: What are you doing, Ray?
Ray: I'm playing the game.

Celia: Ray, if I say to you, "l hate when you make me do things" perhaps you could acknowledge my feelings by saying something like, "You feel you don't have any control over our plans." You understand?
Ray: That doesn't sound like something I would say.

Celia: Just takes a little practice. Come on. Let's keep going.
Ray: Yeah, let's.
Celia: All my friends are going to the park, but I have to go to some boring party?
Ray: You think that the party's gonna be boring?
Celia: That's it, Ray. See, you're reflecting her feelings back. Yes, it's just a bunch of grownups sitting around an old house. I want to be with my friends!
Ray: But Grandma has that big bowl of Coffee Nips.