Debra: First of all, it's not a book. It's pieces of construction paper.
Ray: You sound a bit close-minded.
Debra: Hey. Eileen, you have no idea what I have to put up with. When I got married, I didn't just get a husband, I got a whole freak show that set up their tent right across the street. And that- That would be fine, if they stayed there. But every day... Every day, they dump a truckload of their insane family dreck into my lap. How would you like to sit through two people in their 60s fighting over who invented the lawn? The lawn! And then the brother, "I live in an apartment. I don't even have a lawn. Raymond has a lawn." But you can't blame him when you see who the mother is. She has this kind of sick hold on the both of them. And the father's about as disgusting a creature as God has ever dropped onto this planet. So no wonder the kid writes stories! I should be writing stories. My life is a Gothic novel! And until you have lived in that house, with all of them in there with you day after day, week after week, year after friggin' year, you are in no position to judge me!

Robert: [clears throat] Uh, if I may... You mentioned, Father Hubley, that I was not included in that book, and that is a very astute observation. And I do believe that my unique position in this... family, as that of an outsider, allows me to view this hodgepodge of life from a rather unique vantage point.
Ray: Top of a beanstalk?
Robert: And I do maintain that if anyone is to blame, Father, for this river of pent-up hostility that runs through this sorry bunch like you-know-what through a we-know-what... that person goes by the name... of Raymond.
Ray: Oh, sit down, you dope.
Robert: He is and always has been the center... the center of attention, the center of affection, he always gets the center chair in the kitchen. And this anger of which you speak, from the rest of these poor souls, stems from his unwillingness to share even the tiniest portion of the spotlight that shines, without end... on him.

Eileen: I was really impressed with what Michael wrote about in his book, weren't you?
Debra: Me? Uh, definitely. Oh, definitely. Um, but I do think that his book was... just a story. And, yes, obviously all stories do come from somewhere.
Ray: Well, not all of 'em.
Eileen: Hmm?
Ray: I was just thinkin' somethin'... I was just thinkin', some stories come from, like... Like those shows you go to where they say, "Give us a location!" And then the audience goes, "An elevator!" And then they say, "What language should we do?" or somethin'. And you yell, "French!" You know, and then they do a hilarious thing right there, you know. "Second floor... croissants!" You know? Yeah. They just... They make that stuff up right there on the spot. Yeah. So that would be one example where some stories do come from.
Eileen: Is- Is that what Michael did?
Ray: Probably not.

Debra: And you can't even see what the real problem is here, can you? There's an image that Michael has of us.
Ray: Come on, we're normal. [off Debra's look] Comparatively normal. Watch the news.
Debra: Please.
Ray: Although I will say, there are times when you seem to yell for no reason, you know? Maybe... Maybe that's what he's pickin' up on.
Debra: I'm pretty sure that most of the leading characters in that story were from the Barone side.
Ray: Yeah, okay, but the loud part, I'm thinkin', is probably you.
Debra: So you're blaming me? You're completely free and clear?
Ray: I'm sorry, but I am not the yeller.
Debra: You are the reason for the yeller!
Ray: Well, you assume that there must be yelling!
Debra: You're damn right there's yell...

Marie: You think Michael's book is my fault, don't you? Don't you? Huh? If there's ever a problem in the family, it's the mother. It's always the mother. Well, you all ought to be ashamed of yourselves. And you, you- You allow that, Father Hubley? Shame on you. That's right. You had a mother. And you allowed all this to happen in your school, in your parish. This "new psychology"... that children are always right, they're being rewarded for every little thing they do with the stickers. I mean, these kids are comin' home full of stickers for doing nothing! "Ooh. I went to the potty." "Here's a sticker." In my day, you had to earn a reward, and even then, you didn't get it. And if there was yelling in the house, you earned that, too. There was nothing to be ashamed of. I want to tell you something. There is nothing wrong with this family. We're very close, we're very open, we're very loving, 'cause I make sure of it. But everybody has to make a big deal. You have to have a meeting, you have to have an inquiry, you have to have a witch hunt.
Frank: I think they found one.

Marie: How could you let Michael write something like that?
Debra: We didn't know anything about this. Eileen let the kids write whatever they wanted.
Ray: Who's Eileen?
Debra: The teacher. Look, I'm not thrilled about this, either, but, you know, kids should be able to express what they're feeling.
Frank: What a load of bull. Here's a perfect example of your liberal, "free to be a bird or bee" college claptrap
comin' home to bite your whole family in the ass!

Frank: Hey, Father, let me ask you somethin'. Would you know who invented the lawn?
Marie: Oh! Would you stop?! No one "invented" it, it's grass!
Frank: Oh, yeah? So cavemen had lawns?
Marie: Yes, they were called fields, you baboon!
Frank: You wanna know where all the tension in the family comes from? I'm chained to it. Here she is. And if you're lookin' to find out why she's like this, I'm givin' it to you, for once and for all. You ready? There! Right there! [points to Debra and Ray] She married him! And this one still can't deal with it!
Marie: How dare you?

Robert: Oh? The whole family? The whole family... what am I?! I wasn't even mentioned in that book.
Ray: What, you're insulted 'cause you weren't insulted?
Robert: I'm insulted that you have brainwashed your children into thinking the only thing I'm good for is to hold up a piňata.

Debra: Uh, Eileen, um... did Michael say anything to you? I mean, did he say anything specific about home?
Ray: And remember, children lie.
Debra: Ray, we have nothing to hide. I don't know what he's so afraid of. I mean, 'cause we're a normal family. Comparatively. I mean, watch the news. [laughs]
Ray: That was mine, the normal thing. She stole that from me.
Debra: It is not your thing! We are normal!

Frank: I'll tell you what concerns me. I wanna know why I was drawn completely without hair. That is an exaggeration which I do not appreciate.