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‘No Roll’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: No Roll

602. No Roll

Aired October 1, 2001

Ray tries to spice things up in the bedroom with Debra by buying an adult board game.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Here, one of you try this.
Robert: [eats] Oh, God! This is awful!
Marie: I thought so. It's Debra's. It's gone bad. Although, with Debra, it probably didn't have far to go.

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Quote from Frank

Marie: This game must be Debra's doing.
Ray: Well, it's not.
Marie: I should have guessed when I opened the fridge with two bottles of white wine? Are you swingers?
Ray: All right, Ma. You just asked if I was a wife-swapper.
Frank: Now, there's an idea. I don't even have to swap. I'll just make a donation.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh, hello, Raymond.
Ray: Ma, what are you doing?
Marie: I'm cleaning your fridge. I thought it was just one item, but once I opened it... Well, dear, it's not good news.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Now, hold on. Hold on. I am not selfish! I am not selfish! If there's anything you want, anything I do it! You want me to be more flexible I'm flexing! You want me to talk in an accent? "You go' it, guv'ner." Come on, just tell me what you want. What do you want?
Debra: I want...
Ray: What?
Debra: See, this is what I'm talking about. Why should I have to tell you what I want?
Ray: So I will know.
Debra: Do you know how depressing that is, that after 12 years, you don't know? Why do I have to say it out loud? Why haven't you been paying attention?
Ray: What do you mean, paying attention?
Debra: Oh, you only seem to pick up the signals that affect you. Like, you know what "I'm tired" means, because it means no fun for Raymond. But if I give you the "go" signal, then you just stop paying attention. I could shoot off a flare in here, and you wouldn't even notice.

Quote from Robert

Marie: Are you trying to hide something?
Ray: Mind your business, Ma.
Frank: "Sensuopoly"? "The board game of love and intimacy."
Ray: It's a gag gift that I got for a friend of mine who loves gags.
Robert: Oh, really? And who is this lover of gags? Would his name start with an "R" and end with an "aymond," hmm?

Quote from Ray

Debra: Look, I'm sorry, Ray, okay? It's not like I'm trying to trick you. I am tired, and I thought I would do a little reading before I fell asleep.
Ray: All right. There are other things we could do a little before we both fall asleep. I mean, we're not talkin' about runnin' a marathon here. We were just going to roll around a little, you know? I find it very relaxing and restful, but what the hell do I know? You go ahead, go ahead-
Debra: Ray, come on.
Ray: If a book about the 19th century doesn't put you to sleep, how tired can you be?
Ray: So what you're saying is that you would rather read?
Debra: Tonight yes.
Ray: Do me a favor, if there's people having sex in that book, could you read out loud?

Quote from Frank

Frank: Wait a minute. Let me see that. [eats] You're right. This is not good. [continues eating] The underpart's a little better.
Robert: What is it?
Frank: I don't know. It's got a crunch, but I don't think that's on purpose.

Quote from Marie

Marie: No, you should close your curtains, too. You never know who's looking into the windows.
Ray: I got a pretty good idea.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Listen, sorry about the embarrassment today with the game and all. I went to the store to try to buy you a funny card you know, 'cause of last night. But they're not funny, they're just stupid. There's one funny one. The old guy with no teeth like this... But, yeah, I couldn't remember if I got you that for Valentine's Day or not, so you know, so I guess I got you that game just to say you know, "ha ha."
Debra: It's okay, Ray. Come on, let's go play.
Ray: What? What?!
[Ray quickly rubs some toothpaste in his mouth, sprays some deodorant and spins through it as he rushes to the bedroom]
Ray: You really want to play this? Even though my mother knows we have it?
Debra: We already got the guilt. We might as well have the fun.
Ray: Well, all right!

Quote from Ray

Debra: Why did you buy the game, Ray, huh? That's what I really don't understand. Why did you buy it if you didn't want to play?
Ray: I thought it would be fun. It's got something for both of us. Sex for me, reading for you.
Debra: You really have no idea what this game is for, do you?
Ray: Yes, I have an idea. The game is to get you in the mood. Remember the mood?
Debra: No, this game is not about my mood. This game is supposed to improve our sex life.
Ray: Yeah, well, then I got the wrong game. I should've got the game that gets you to have a sex life.
Debra: Oh, yes, you're the poor sex-starved husband.
Ray: Yeah, and you're the poor put-upon wife who doesn't get any romance.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Look, this isn't easy for me to talk about, either.
Ray: How bad is this?
Debra: No, it's not bad, and it's not just you.
Ray: Who else?
Debra: Me! Ray, it's about us. Listen. Just listen. I need more variety.
Ray: Variety? You need variety? I got that. I was worried you were going to mention my... Well, why bring it up? But variety? I am variety. I'm Ed Sullivan. Variety. Wasn't I the guy who came into the bedroom with the cowboy hat on, uh? How about the time I was the fireman and you were the burning sorority house?
Debra: Well, I mean, by variety, I mean... Look, the cowboy and the fireman are fun, but once they take their hats off, they're pretty much the same.
Ray: What do you mean?
Debra: I need them to be less selfish.

Quote from Ray

Debra: [yawns] Oh, God, I'm exhausted. Oh! I could fall asleep right here.
Ray: All right, okay. I get it.
Debra: Get what?
Ray: You don't got to do the whole "I'm tired" show. Don't worry. I will not be bothering you this evening.
Debra: Wait a minute. You think this is an act so I won't have to have sex with you?
Ray: Not much of an act. You could jazz it up with a song or two. And- And by the way, I wasn't gonna do anything later anyway, okay, so you don't got to insult me with your preemptive strike.
Debra: You're nuts.
Ray: Admit it. You came in here to tell me you were tired so I would leave you alone later.
Debra: I did not!
Ray: Why can't you admit it? Look, you're tired, right? You had a long day. So, what's the last thing you would want to do later?
Debra: Well, you might be right about that.
Ray: Huh, see? I know. I know when people don't want to have sex with me. You're talkin' to an expert.
Debra: Okay, so let me ask you this how come you're only picking up that "I'm tired" means "no sex tonight"? How come "I'm tired" doesn't also mean, "Gee, I could really use some help in the kitchen with all those dishes"?
Ray: What am I, a mind reader?

Quote from Ray

Ray: How's your book?
Debra: It's really great.
Ray: Yeah?
Debra: Yeah, it takes place in the 19th century-
Ray: That's very interesting.
Debra: Ray! What are you doing?
Ray: What? You're up.
Debra: So what?
Ray: So, I-I come in here, you're up, you're in a good mood, you're not too tired.
Debra: Who says I'm not too tired? All I'm doing is reading.
Ray: So you could stay up to read, but you can't spare two minutes for sex?

Quote from Frank

Frank: What else you got?
Marie: You finished that?
Frank: Yep.
Robert: And now we wait.

Quote from Ray

Marie: What did you buy, Raymond?
Ray: Oh, uh... No, it's nothing.
Robert: Oh, something sensitive.
Frank: What is it?
Ray: No, it's just shirts.
Marie: You bought shirts? By yourself?
Ray: Yes.
Robert: Let's see these... "shirts".
Ray: I would not be comfortable with that, all right?
Frank: Why the hell not?
Ray: Because, they're undershirts.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh, Raymond. Another sex game?
Ray: What are you talking about?
Marie: Well, it's like the other one you had when you were younger, with all the colored dots.
Ray: Twister?
Marie: Don't think I didn't know what was going on downstairs.
Ray: What? I played with Robert.
Frank: I don't want to hear any more.

Quote from Robert

Robert: I sure hope you're better at this than you were at Twister. As I remember, you had no flexibility at all.
Poor Debra.

Quote from Marie

Debra: Hey.
Ray: Hey.
Debra: What's up?
Ray: Mom!
Marie: Whatever you do in your bedroom is your business.
Debra: "Sensuopoly"?
Marie: It's not from me. It's from him.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Listen, sweetheart everybody's making a big fuss over nothing. Now, I looked at the back of the box, and from what I could see... [holds stomach] To be continued. [rushes out]

Quote from Ray

Debra: Okay, here's the directions. I've already read them.
Ray: Hey, I don't need directions. I mean, it's been a while, but I remember.
Debra: So, it's pretty simple. You just roll the dice, and you do whatever it says on the square you land on. Now, some of the squares are naughty...
Ray: Hang on. [closes the curtains] Go ahead.
Debra: And some are romantic.
Ray: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Debra: So, I'll go first. This is me, that's you.
Ray: All right, come on, buddy, put your game face on.

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