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Everybody Loves Raymond: Tasteless Frank

912. Tasteless Frank

Aired February 14, 2005

After Frank upsets Marie by wanting to add salt to her cooking, he realizes he has lost his sense of taste since taking some herbal pills.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Dad, I mean, you're gonna have to stop taking those.
Frank: No way. These babies work.
Robert: Hey, uh, Dad. Do you really need those?
Frank: Hey, your time will come, wise guy. I might not get to hit that often, but when you're called to the plate you better bring a bat.

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Quote from Marie

Frank: I'll live with it, okay?
Marie: Oh, that's it-- "I'll live with it."
Ray: Ma, now you know that it's not your cooking. You still got it. So now you can be happy again.
Marie: Happy? How could I be happy? I'm Rembrandt, and he's blind.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Honey, it breaks my heart that you think that I might not see you as a man. And you have to know by now that I couldn't possibly think any less of you.
Amy: [to Debra] That is so sweet.
Marie: And I appreciate how difficult it must have been for you to have to decide between my food and our physical relationship.
Debra: [to Amy] Maybe we should go shopping now.
Marie: And I want you to know that I'm touched that our years in the boudoir have meant so much to you.
Frank: Well, they have. But if it's all the same to you, I'd rather have the food.
Marie: Me too. [they hug] Oh, Frank. Oh, Frank, I was hoping you'd say that. [as they hug] Oh, Frank. I don't think you need those pills.
Frank: No, those are the pills.

Quote from Frank

Frank: I have been taking these pills.
Robert: What, for like blood pressure or something?
Frank: Nah, just some herb pills that Stan and Garvin gave me.
Ray: Stan and Garvin? What? What for?
Frank: They're for my, uh... foot.
Ray: Your foot?
Frank: Yeah, you know. My foot.
Ray: "Lancelot"?
Robert: "Possible side effects: headaches, stomach cramping" - Oh, God, Dad, look at this: "loss of taste."
Frank: Hey, you're kidding me.
Robert: Well, didn't you read the label?
Frank: No. My eyes are as bad as my foot.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Hey, listen, you two knuckleheads. Your mother doesn't know about these pills, so keep your traps shut.
Robert: Yeah, but Dad-
Ray: Well, what are you gonna do when she finds out you can't taste?
Frank: She's not gonna find out. Taste I can fake.

Quote from Marie

Frank: Everything looks delicious, Marie.
Marie: Thanks, Frank. Here you go.
Frank: Can't wait. [eats] Mmm. Mmm. Fantastic, Marie.
Marie: Really? Oh, I'm so glad.
Ray: So can you believe? Spring training already.
Robert: Yeah, first day tomorrow. Pitchers and catchers.
Marie: Hey, Frank. Try the frittata.
Frank: Bring it on. [eats] Mmm! Oh! Wow, that's good.
Marie: No, it's not. That's Debra's.
Frank: Whoops.

Quote from Marie

Marie: So is everyone turning against me? Is that what's going on? I don't make lasagna for three days and all of a sudden nobody cares about me. Everybody is Frank's friend.
Robert: No, Ma, that's not it at all.
Marie: Well, what else could it be? Cooking is all I'm good for, isn't it? Oh, yes, I raised two boys with precious little help from your father. And yes, my charity work has benefited countless people within the community. But apparently if anybody looks at this face, all they see is a frying pan.
Robert: I don't see a frying pan, Ma. I see a woman who deserves the truth.
Ray: Don't be stupid.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh. Well, why didn't he tell me?
Ray: Because he didn't want to be ashamed and think that you thought he was less of a man.
Robert: He had to choose between his tongue and his manhood.
Marie: Oh, poor Frank. I had no idea. ... I'd rather he could taste.
Ray: Well, Ma, it's not that simple.
Marie: Yes, it is. I have a say in this. I'll take the taste.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Look, Frank, about your problem...
Frank: Yeah? Don't worry. I got no taste, but I still got crunch.
Amy: No, we mean the problem with your...
Debra: Foot.
Frank: What?!
Amy: We want you to know this is nothing to be ashamed of.
Debra: Yeah, let me tell you something about Ray. He might talk a big game, but there's a lot of times when he can't always... put his best foot forward. And that doesn't change the way I feel about him at all.
Amy: Yeah. We love our fellas no matter what they're able or unable to do.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Hey, could you pass the salt?
Marie: [shocked] What did you say?
Frank: I want to put some salt on this.
Marie: In 47 years of marriage you've never salted my lasagna.
Frank: Marie, it's bad enough it needs it. You gotta remind me how long we've been married?
Marie: That doesn't need salt. [moves the salt shaker away] What's this about, Frank? Are you mad at me?
Frank: No, I just want the salt.
Marie: Baloney. It's because I yelled at you last night for blowing your nose into your sock, isn't it?
Frank: No, all I'm saying is this is not doing it for me.
Marie: Oh. Well, then by all means have the salt.
Frank: Thank you.
[As Frank salts his food, Marie takes both their plates and throws them in the sink]
Frank: "Pass the salt." The list of things I'm allowed to say is getting shorter.

Quote from Frank

Frank: I don't get it. How is this happening to me?
Ray: Maybe- Maybe your sinuses are stuffed up. You know, 90% of taste is smell. That would explain why you don't smell... you.
Frank: Nah, I can smell me. I just don't mind me.

Quote from Frank

Ray: All right, when did you start noticing that Ma's cooking was slipping?
Frank: I don't know. About two weeks ago.
Ray: Well, have you been doing anything different in the last two weeks?
Frank: I haven't done anything different in the last 50 years.

Quote from Debra

Marie: Taste this pesto, Raymond.
Ray: Mmm. Oh. Perfect.
Marie: Really? You like it?
Ray: Yeah, of course.
Marie: I don't know anymore. Last night your father told me my lasagna needed salt.
Ray: What? Come on.
Amy: I don't believe it.
Debra: How dare someone criticize another person's cooking?

Quote from Ray

Marie: I have to admit, all great artists must face the fact that someday their gifts will fade.
Ray: Ma, come on. Your gifts aren't fading, huh? You the man.
Marie: You know, your father used to salivate over my meals. But lately it's like he's just going through the motions.
Ray: Ma, Ma, Ma. You still got it. You're the Pavarotti of pesto.
Marie: That's a sweet boy. Nothing like his father.

Quote from Frank

Robert: Hey, what do you got there?
Ray: I got Marco's hot peppers, I got hot mustard from Wo Hop's. Everything from Mom's "ethnic" shelf.
Robert: All right, let's start with the horseradish.
Ray: Oh, oh, Wasabi. I got wasabi.
Robert: Ah, and how about a little jalapeno?
Ray: Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Right.
Robert: Perfect. Here you go, Dad. Why don't you try that one?
Frank: Okay, but I'm telling you... They're all the same.
Ray: Dad, that had horseradish, wasabi and jalapeno on it.
Frank: It did?
Robert: How can you not taste that? [screams after eating the mini quiche]
Ray: Oh, my God. Dad, you've got no taste.
Frank: Holy crap.
Robert: Aaagghh!
Frank: And this whole time I thought it was your mother.

Quote from Frank

Marie: What's going on? First you tell me my lasagna needs salt, and now Debra's frittata is good. ''Oh. Wowee. Ooh.'' ls this some kind of a scheme to finally drive me insane?
Frank: No.
Marie: Then why are you torturing me?
Frank: I'm not torturing you.
Marie: Then what are you doing?
Frank: I can't taste.
Marie: What do you mean?
Frank: I've lost my sense of taste.
Marie: Are you sick?
Frank: No.
Marie: Well, how do you know? Did you go to a doctor?
Frank: I'm not going to a doctor. I'm just getting older, okay?
Marie: So you're not gonna try to fix it?
Frank: Leave me alone.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Hey, Ray, you mind if I watch the game over here? Ever since Sunday brunch Mom's been all depressed. She's just sitting in front of the TV eating doughnuts.
Ray: What, did Dad just give up the remote?
Robert: Didn't even put up a fight.
Amy: Since this whole thing, they haven't been fighting at all. I miss the yelling.
Robert: I miss Ma's cooking. She hasn't cooked anything in three days.
Debra: This is crazy. Everything's falling apart because of food? It's just food. You can't base a marriage on food.
Ray: Well, you and I can't.

Quote from Debra

Amy: I can't believe Marie. Frank can't help it if his tongue is getting old.
Debra: Why can't she be more sensitive? You know, I wouldn't be surprised if this whole thing was her fault to begin with.
Amy: What do you mean?
Debra: Well, I mean, who's to say that after 47 years of Marie's constant criticism and nagging, Frank just couldn't take it anymore, and his losing his taste is a psychosomatic way of not listening? He is tuning her out with his tongue. [Robert rolls his eyes]
Amy: Wow. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense.
Debra: Yeah, huh? Nobody ever stands up to this woman. Ray, get over there.
Ray: What?
Debra: Go. Go. Go tell your mother this is all her fault.
Ray: You don't know what you're talking about.
Debra: I know you're scared of your mommy.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Well, why didn't he just tell Marie that?
Robert: Because he's very sensitive about his foot.
Debra: Oh. So by foot, you mean... not his foot.
Ray: Go to the mall.
Amy: Well, then what are the pills for? [Debra looks at Amy] Oh. That foot.

Quote from Ray

Debra: You know, this is crazy. I mean, Marie should know all about this.
Amy: Of course. Somebody should tell her.
Ray: No, no. It's not gonna be any of us, okay? This is between a man and his podiatrist.

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