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‘Fighting In-Laws’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Fighting In-Laws

509. Fighting In-Laws

Aired November 20, 2000

Debra's parents, Warren (Robert Culp) and Lois (Katherine Helmond), come to town for Thanksgiving.

Quote from Debra

Debra: You know what, Ray? It's a private matter. And my parents, unlike yours, don't feel the need to inflict their lives on everybody else.
Ray: Or, maybe they're a little embarrassed, because as it turns out, they're not so perfect.
Debra: Yeah, or maybe they're just trying to work out their problems before their marriage degenerates into a screaming match like your parents. Arguing about how deep a pan is before it's a pot. "If it's three inches, it's a pot! Everybody knows that, Marie!" "If you can't boil an egg in it, it's not a pot, you jackass!"
Ray: Hey, either way, your perfect little Connecticut "Oh, make sure you cut the crust off my cucumber sandwich"-parents are frauds!
Debra: You listen. If my parents lit an orphanage on fire on Christmas Eve, they wouldn't be as bad as your parents!

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Quote from Lois

Marie: Is everything all right, dear?
Lois: Oh, he is just impossible.
Marie: Go on.
Debra: Mom? Are you-
Marie: It's all right, dear. We're talking.
Lois: I am so tired of my opinion counting for nothing! Everything has to be his way! I swear, ever since he retired, it's not like I'm his wife anymore, I'm his employee, and it's all I can do to keep from strangling him.
Marie: I feel so close to you.
Lois: Do you know he makes me iron his jeans? He insists that they have a crease.
Marie: At least he can wear jeans. The last time I got a pair for Frank, it was from the maternity jeans. And I told him they were just stretchy. [Marie and Lois hug]
Debra: Oh, my God.

Quote from Lois

Lois: Oh, yes. You'd like for everyone to see that, wouldn't you?
Warren: What? All of a sudden, discussing our sex life is verboten?
Lois: Ech! That face!
Warren: What face?
Lois: Your language face! Verboten? Oosbach?
Warren: I never make that face!
Lois: You have a face for everything. Here is your how-is-my-hair face. Oh, and my favorite, "We're out of vermouth?"

Quote from Debra

Ray: Hey, your parents seem to be doing okay. It's nice.
Debra: It's not nice. My father just said, "Holy crap."
Ray: What? You always wanted our parents to get along.
Debra: Yeah, but I didn't want my parents to convert. Look at them.
Lois: You were right, Marie. Debra could get this rug a lot cleaner.
Warren: [groans] Oh, Frank, I got to tell you. I overdid it this year. [unbuttons belt]
Frank: You know what you need, pal? A pair of my special stretchy pants.

Quote from Lois

Warren: You are so damn negative. You don't think we need a little help? How about the sex? What about the sex?
Lois: I am not withholding sex from you! I'm tired! Can I ever be tired?! Is that allowed?!
Warren: Well, I'm never too tired. We're both down on this. That's a good quality.

Quote from Ray

Ray: What's going on?
Debra: What happened to you last night? Did you go to over to your parents' to sleep?
Ray: [slaps his forehead] Why didn't I think of that? No, I slept in the damn garage.
Debra: What? You slept in the car?
Ray: [slaps his forehead again] No. I slept on the sled.
Debra: Honey, why?
Ray: I was trapped down there. Your parents were down here yapping and I fell asleep waiting for them to go upstairs.

Quote from Frank

Robert: I don't know. There's something about Debra's mom. She gives me the willies.
Frank: What about the husband? He's the weird one. He got all that lotion on him. He's all slick and moist like a beaver running through the woods.

Quote from Lois

Warren: I need the vermouth to put up with your phoniness. "Oh, we're off to Baden-Baden." "Oh, Robert, how wonderful to see you again." Come on, you know the guy freaks you out.
Lois: You are exactly the same. And these are not the people to tell that you're going to marriage counseling!
Warren: Lois, it's only for a week.
Lois: Oh, yes! Only a week of marriage counseling in New Jersey. It's like getting shot and then hung!
Warren: Hanged.

Quote from Lois

Lois: Well, it's not a full week. So can't we talk about something else? Robert, has your stone passed?
Robert: I will never understand you.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh, isn't this nice? Connecticut Grandma and Grandpa and regular Grandma and Grandpa. Who wants Tootsie Pops?

Quote from Marie

Lois: Marie, you're looking wonderful.
Marie: Oh, I just think I look like a wreck. I've been helping Debra cook. You can imagine.

Quote from Warren

Lois: It's so nice of you to give up your room for us, Raymond. I hope we're not putting you out.
Ray: No, no. No, except for the part where I've got to get out. [all laugh] Okay. I'll just get my jammies.
Warren: You know what's the best thing to sleep in?
Ray: A hotel?
Warren: Nothing! Au naturel. It really gives the body a sense of freedom, huh, honey?
Lois: Oh, let freedom ring!
Warren: Yeah, this is wunderbar.
Lois: Ah, nice firm mattress, huh?
Warren: Oh, yeah. This'll be great for my hip.
Ray: [quietly] My pillow.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Where am I sitting today, Deb?
Debra: Between my mom and your mom.
Robert: Got any hard cider?

Quote from Ray

Robert: So you're stuck with Debra's parents for the whole weekend?
Ray: Well, we hardly get to see them. So when they come to town, we want to spend as much time as possible with them. I've been told that's how I feel.

Quote from Frank

Lois: This is for our trip to Baden-Baden in Germany.
Warren: It's in the Schwarzwald. Right on the banks of the Oosbach.
Frank: Oosbach? You know, there are plenty of places with funny names right here in the U.S.
Debra: That's enough, Frank.
Frank: Milwaukee.
Ray: Dad.
Frank: Lake Tahoe.
Ray: What's funny about that?
Frank: Ta-hoe.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Ooh! My yams!
Frank: Plenty of marshmallows, right?!
Marie: Of course!
Frank: Because without the marshmallows, it's a damn vegetable!
Marie: I know!

Quote from Ray

Debra: Ray, could you show my parents upstairs?
Ray: Uh, yeah, all right. It's just it's up those stairs.
Debra: Take them up to their room, Ray!
Ray: We hardly get to see you. When you come, we want to spend as much time as possible with you.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Does your father shower before he goes to bed?
Debra: I don't know.
Ray: We have to get a new bed.
Debra: Would you just go to sleep? Goodness, you should be happy to have normal people in the house for a change.
Ray: Hey, say what you want about my father, he's never been naked in our bed. Except for that one Super Bowl.
Debra: You told me he was wearing underwear.
Ray: Just socks.
Debra: We got to get a new bed. Where are you going?
Ray: I'm thirsty. You know, if you listen real careful, you can hear my pillow screaming.

Quote from Debra

Debra: What, so you were hiding from them?
Ray: They were talking about personal stuff.
Debra: So?
Ray: You want to know what they were saying?
Debra: "What's that smell in the garage?"

Quote from Ray

Ray: It was about their trip. Their fakey-fake trip. To that foreign place.
Debra: What, Baden-Baden?
Ray: Mmm, see? You want to know. They're not really going there. They're going to New Jersey.
Debra: New Jersey?
Ray: For a week with a marriage counselor. [Debra turns around] That's right!
Debra: Huh?
Ray: That's all you're going to say, "Huh"? Come on, this is big doings here, sister, huh? She he hates that she's a phony, and she hates his Oosbach face.

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