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‘The Ingrate’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Ingrate

817. The Ingrate

Aired March 1, 2004

After Ray gets an honorary doctorate from his university, he makes a glaring omission is his speech.

Quote from Ray

Debra: You have to admit, you're not the most professorial kind of guy.
Ray: I can be exceedingly professorial.
Debra: No, I know. I was just remembering that time you read the word "stohma-cha-chuh."
Ray: What's your point?
Debra: You read "stohma-cha-chuh." And the word really is...
Ray: Stomachache.
Debra: I am just teasing you.
Ray: Yeah, right.
Debra: No, come on. Kiss me again. For once, I don't have a "head-ah-cha-chuh."

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Quote from Robert

Amy: Go ahead, Robert.
Robert: Uh, Raymond, your success is your success and not my failure. And so as any good brother should be, I am happy for you.
Frank: Both my sons are whipped!
Robert: However, Raymond, if anybody should get credit for your success, it should be me.
Amy: Robert!
Robert: That's right! Admit it! You owe your success to the pathological desire you've always had to be better than me!
Ray: What?
Robert: That's right. Remember in school? I was the writer on the paper. Before you even knew how to pick up a pencil, I had my own column, "The View from Up Here."
Ray: You've gotta be kidding me!

Quote from Marie

Marie: So, you just cast aside the mother. Let me tell you. It didn't start with a smile. It started with 19 hours of horrible labor.
Frank: But before that, there was a smile.
Marie: Also horrible.

Quote from Ray

Ray: All right, stop it. Stop it! Stop it! Nothing's ever enough for anybody in this house! What do you want? You want- Okay, here it is. You ready? Everybody? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Robert. I owe my career to you. That column you did in grammar school about noogies versus wedgies, that's the reason that I go to work every day. And, Amy, I don't know what I did before you came into this family to point out my mistakes, but thank you! And Dad! There's something I always wanted to say to you. I've never said it before, but I'm gonna say it right now! You are the mole on the backside of my success. Sweet Mama. Without your pushing, I would still be in your womb. And you, wife without you, I'd have nothing but "heart-acha-chuh." [exits]
Robert: He thanked me first.
Debra: He saved me for last.
Marie: He said the most meaningful things about me.
Frank: Why was he so fruity?

Quote from Marie

Marie: I thought it was a marvelous piece, full of gratitude and feelings that were so overwhelming, that it needed to be expressed in writing. In the newspaper.
Ray: Ma, I thanked you at the graduation.
Marie: Yes, you made some vague reference to some "mother" in front of a few people on a lawn.
Ray: What?
Marie: You never mentioned my name. It was, quite frankly, rather perfunctory.
Ray: Oh, come on.
Marie: Yet, Debra's magical smile gets all the credit in front of - what's the circulation of the paper?
Ray: Oh, it doesn't matter.
Debra: 850,000.
Marie: What about my smile, Raymond? What about my smile?

Quote from Frank

Frank: How much do they charge for this?
Ray: Nothing.
Frank: Yeah, right. No contribution at all? Let me tell you something: Education is the biggest scam going.
Marie: Dr. Raymond Albert Barone.
Ray: Yeah.
Frank: Hey, Doctor, I got a mole you should take a look at on my backside.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Well, you must be my 9:30.
Debra: Mm-hmm. So what's your diagnosis?
Ray: I don't know yet. I might have to put my healing hands on your love-starved body.
Debra: Ooh. Oh, Doctor. [laughs] Doctor Ray.
Ray: What? What?
Debra: No, it's just funny calling you doctor.
Ray: It's not that funny.
Debra: Dr. Raymond Barone, PhD.
Ray: All right, stop it. Come on, you know how I feel about laughing during sex.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Oh, my God.
Debra: Honey, you'll do fine.
Ray: No, I won't! They're going to expect me to be smart in front of smart people and say smart things. And I'm not smart. You know it, I know it, we all know it. [goes into the closet]
Debra: Who am I kidding?
Debra: Ray, come out.
Ray: No! I'm never coming out, so you're free to remarry.
Debra: Ray.
Ray: Just remember I can hear you in here.

Quote from Frank

Robert: By the way, why did you have to mention to everybody that when I was a kid, I couldn't throw a spiral?
Ray: That was to show how I got into critiquing sports.
Frank: I liked the part about me cursing at the players on TV.
Ray: Yeah, you liked that?
Frank: It's nice to know you have an influence on your kids.

Quote from Marie

Marie: It was the best speech I have ever heard.
Frank: Ah, you just liked it because you got a big special mention.
Marie: Did l? I didn't notice.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Yes, but then I encouraged you and you were able to get up in front of those people and give a great speech.
Ray: You encouraged me, but first, you had to tear me down so you could build me back up again.
Debra: What?
Ray: That's right. That's what you do. And you are very careful that I do not come out smarter than you.
Debra: I never really worry about that.

Quote from Ray

Ray: "And it's a fair question to ask me, because I am, after all, mostly qualified to do something like deliver futons. So, how did I get here? You see, there was this futon-delivery guy, and he met a beautiful woman." Oh, now you're listening. "And even though she was way out of his league, for some unknown reason, she smiled at him. Eventually, and even more amazingly, she married him. And it turns out that when one of your dreams comes true, you begin to take the others a little more seriously. So, even though I'm as amazed as anybody that I have any success at all, I'm pretty sure it all started with my wife Debra's smile." I wrote that.
Debra: That is the sweetest thing.
Ray: Not too sappy?
Debra: It's way too sappy.

Quote from Frank

Frank: And I like it when they dump the Gatorade on the coach's head. That's funny.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Hey, all you did was teach him piano. If it was up to you, Ray'd have a job playing "Love Story" next to a perfume counter.

Quote from Robert

Debra: Hey! There they are! How was the carnival?
Geoffrey: Uncle Robert threw up!
Michael: On a ride!
Debra: Oh, Robert.
Frank: He was on one of those spinning rides. He nailed 11 people!
Robert: I had to buy a guy a shirt.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Guess what? That was my college on the phone. They want to give me a degree.
Debra: I thought you had a degree.
Frank: Yeah, what the hell were we paying for?
Ray: It's another one. They call it an "honorary doctorate."
Debra: Oh!
Robert: I might throw up again.
Marie: Oh my God! Raymond, you're a doctor!
Ray: Doctorate, Ma. They call it a "doctorate of letters."

Quote from Debra

Ray: You're just like Robert and my father. You don't think I deserve this.
Debra: No, of course, I think you deserve this.
Ray: Even though I'm an idiot.
Debra: Yes. No! No, I don't believe that. You're very smart. You deserve this. You're going to do great.
Ray: What do you mean "do great"?
Debra: When you give your speech. I mean, you knew you had to give a speech, right? Ray, when they give you an honorary diploma, you give a speech.
Ray: In front of people?
Debra: Well, it's not a speech otherwise. It's just a crazy man.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Honey, listen. They want you because you're good at what you do. They want the students to see someone who loves his work and is a success. You don't have to sound like a professor. What they want is Ray Barone. You give them that, and I promise they will love you.
Ray: Yeah?
Debra: Positive. Ooh, I'm feeling feverish, Doctor.
Ray: Oh, yes. Yes, you are. I think you might have caught something from the rest of the cheerleading squad.
Debra: Yes.
Ray: Step into my office.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Oh, wasn't that wonderful?
Ray: It was pretty good, right? Yeah.
Frank: All the money on that damn college, they can't put a cushion on a folding chair? My mole is killing me!

Quote from Robert

Marie: Robbie, are you sure you got a picture of Raymond shaking the dean's hand?
Robert: I'm sure, Ma.
Marie: And pictures of me kissing Raymond?
Robert: We have enough to make wallpaper.

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