Debra: You have to admit, you're not the most professorial kind of guy.
Ray: I can be exceedingly professorial.
Debra: No, I know. I was just remembering that time you read the word "stohma-cha-chuh."
Ray: What's your point?
Debra: You read "stohma-cha-chuh." And the word really is...
Ray: Stomachache.
Debra: I am just teasing you.
Ray: Yeah, right.
Debra: No, come on. Kiss me again. For once, I don't have a "heada-cha-chuh."

Amy: Go ahead, Robert.
Robert: Uh, Raymond, your success is your success and not my failure. And so as any good brother should be, I am happy for you.
Frank: Both my sons are whipped!
Robert: However, Raymond, if anybody should get credit for your success, it should be me.
Amy: Robert!
Robert: That's right! Admit it! You owe your success to the pathological desire you've always had to be better than me!
Ray: What?
Robert: That's right. Remember in school? I was the writer on the paper. Before you even knew how to pick up a pencil, I had my own column, "The View from Up Here."
Ray: You've gotta be kidding me!

Marie: So, you just cast aside the mother. Let me tell you. It didn't start with a smile. It started with 19 hours of horrible labor.
Frank: But before that, there was a smile.
Marie: Also horrible.

Ray: All right, stop it. Stop it! Stop it! Nothing's ever enough for anybody in this house! What do you want? You want- Okay, here it is. You ready? Everybody? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Robert. I owe my career to you. That column you did in grammar school about noogies versus wedgies, that's the reason that I go to work every day. And, Amy, I don't know what I did before you came into this family to point out my mistakes, but thank you! And Dad! There's something I always wanted to say to you. I've never said it before, but I'm gonna say it right now! You are the mole on the backside of my success. Sweet Mama. Without your pushing, I would still be in your womb. And you, wife without you, I'd have nothing but "heart-acha-chuh." [exits]
Robert: He thanked me first.
Debra: He saved me for last.
Marie: He said the most meaningful things about me.
Frank: Why was he so fruity?

Marie: I thought it was a marvelous piece, full of gratitude and feelings that were so overwhelming, that it needed to be expressed in writing. In the newspaper.
Ray: Ma, I thanked you at the graduation.
Marie: Yes, you made some vague reference to some "mother" in front of a few people on a lawn.
Ray: What?
Marie: You never mentioned my name. It was, quite frankly, rather perfunctory.
Ray: Oh, come on.
Marie: Yet, Debra's magical smile gets all the credit in front of - what's the circulation of the paper?
Ray: Oh, it doesn't matter.
Debra: 850,000.
Marie: What about my smile, Raymond? What about my smile?

Frank: How much do they charge for this?
Ray: Nothing.
Frank: Yeah, right. No contribution at all? Let me tell you something: Education is the biggest scam going.
Marie: Dr. Raymond Albert Barone.
Ray: Yeah.
Frank: Hey, Doctor, I got a mole you should take a look at on my backside.

Robert: By the way, why did you have to mention to everybody that when I was a kid, I couldn't throw a spiral?
Ray: That was to show how I got into critiquing sports.
Frank: I liked the part about me cursing at the players on TV.
Ray: Yeah, you liked that?
Frank: It's nice to know you have an influence on your kids.

Ray: Well, you must be my 9:30.
Debra: Mm-hmm. So what's your diagnosis?
Ray: I don't know yet. I might have to put my healing hands on your love-starved body.
Debra: Ooh. Oh, Doctor. [laughs] Doctor Ray.
Ray: What? What?
Debra: No, it's just funny calling you doctor.
Ray: It's not that funny.
Debra: Dr. Raymond Barone, PhD.
Ray: All right, stop it. Come on, you know how I feel about laughing during sex.

Ray: Oh, my God.
Debra: Honey, you'll do fine.
Ray: No, I won't! They're going to expect me to be smart in front of smart people and say smart things. And I'm not smart. You know it, I know it, we all know it. [goes into the closet]
Debra: Who am I kidding?
Debra: Ray, come out.
Ray: No! I'm never coming out, so you're free to remarry.
Debra: Ray.
Ray: Just remember I can hear you in here.

Debra: Yes, but then I encouraged you and you were able to get up in front of those people and give a great speech.
Ray: You encouraged me, but first, you had to tear me down so you could build me back up again.
Debra: What?
Ray: That's right. That's what you do. And you are very careful that I do not come out smarter than you.
Debra: I never really worry about that.