Marie: Sit down. Now you listen to me. Maybe you could all use some advice from someone who's in a position to give it.
Debra: See what you did, Amy?
Marie: You think we have nothing to offer? We've been married 46 years. We've seen the lows, and we've seen the highs.
Frank: What day was the high?

Marie: You two, you're newlyweds, you're in love. God bless you, you know nothing. And you two, you're always fighting. And the reason you get so upset is because you think there's something wrong with that. Look at us. This is experience. This is wisdom.
Frank: [eating chicken] This is juicy.
Marie: You want some real marriage advice? I'm going to give you the secret now: There's going to be yelling.
There's going to be anger. Don't fight it. Accept it. You love him. You hate him. He disgusts you. Look how he eats. You keep your head down, and you plow through.
Frank: Amen.
Amy: But Marie, you said "hate". How can hate have any place in a marriage?
Marie: You make room. There's going to be hate. Hate is real. Marriage is real. We might fight, but we're okay with each other. And do you know why? We've endured. We have been through it all, and now...
Frank: We're waiting for death.
Marie: Not that we're in a rush.
Frank: Fair enough.
Marie: That's a marriage.

Marie: Oh, that was so sweet. You two celebrating your anniversary like this... We used to be happy, remember, Frank?
Frank: Then the meteor hit and killed all the dinosaurs. Except for one.

Amy: You introduced me to Robert. And then you helped me get over him, and get back together with him, get over him again, and then marry him. And so now I want to help you.
Debra: With what?
Amy: Your marriage. Here. I read this great book. I thought of you the whole time.
Debra: "Marriage is an Amusement Park."
Amy: Isn't that a good analogy?
Debra: Oh. Well, I think I get it. The ups and downs, like a roller coaster.
Amy: Yeah. But that's just one chapter. There's "Haunted House," "The Hall of Mirrors", "Ride Maintenance."
Debra: How about the rides that make you throw up?
Amy: That's great. But they're all in here, and the point is: You might not like all the attractions, but you have to accept the whole park. [Debra is silent] This is the couple that wrote it. They're both licensed clinical social workers, but they're funny too.
Debra: Yeah, they look funny.
Amy: Yeah, they're funny... but they can help.

Debra: You won't believe what I got in the kitchen.
Ray: What?
Debra: Marriage advice from Amy.
Ray: Well, unless the advice was more sex, how dare she?
Debra: She gave me this book because she thinks I need it.
Ray: Who are these two idiots?
Debra: Can you believe Amy? I mean, she's been married for three months, she probably still shaves her legs.
Ray: Giving you advice.
Debra: I know!
Ray: Don't you think it's cool how I'm not rubbing your face in how obviously wrong you were?

Amy: I'm sorry, everybody. I guess I just don't see what the big deal is.
Debra: Amy, our marriage is fine. Don't you think it's a little presumptuous of you to think that yours is better?
Ray: Highly presumptuous.
Amy: I never said it was better. It's just you can't help noticing things.
Robert: Like all the yelling.
Ray: Oh, what? So you think you're not going to yell?
Debra: Amy, there's going to be screams coming out of you, and they won't be because you're on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
Amy: This is what you were talking about, Robert.
Ray: Don't talk about us. Worry about yourself, huh? Why don't you two go hold hands?
Debra: Yeah, over each other's mouths.

Robert: Trouble in paradise?
Ray: No, just Wednesday in paradise.
Robert: Care for some advice?
Ray: No.
Robert: I'll tell you what I've found to be the key to a happy marriage.
Ray: Says the man who married a stripper, then divorced a stripper, then married a regular person and hung in there a whole three months.

Ray: Stupid Robert.
Debra: What?
Ray: He gave me advice: "Hold hands." Okay, so I tried. You obviously don't like it. Stupid Robert.
Debra: Robert gave you advice?
Ray: Yeah, marriage advice. To me. About marriage. Advice. To me.
Debra: So that was Robert's advice you were trying?
Ray: Yeah yeah, "Hold hands." He's married three months, he's on the lecture circuit.

Robert: Hey, Debra, I'm glad you're here. Tomorrow, believe it or not, is Amy's and my three-month anniversary.
Ray: Oh! What time's the parade?
Robert: And we would like to have you, Debra, over to celebrate, and you can bring somebody.
Debra: Oh, that's sweet.
Ray: Can't make it.
Debra: We'll be there.
Ray: Nope.
Debra: Yup. Do the laundry.
Ray: How about I shrink your underwear and make you think your butt's going fat?

Robert: Want a happy marriage? Hold hands.
Ray: Hold hands?
Robert: Hold hands.
Ray: You are a stupid person.
Robert: I'm serious. Something as simple as holding hands could give someone a sense of togetherness. [holds Ray's hand]
Ray: Stop it.
Robert: You are so afraid of affection.
Ray: You don't touch me.
Robert: Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, you're so closed off. Holding your wife's hand could be pleasurable for you, and, more importantly, it might allow her to feel wanted and loved by you.
Ray: How does that get me out of laundry?
Robert: If you could connect with your wife emotionally, then perhaps you wouldn't see doing laundry as a chore. You might do it willingly for her, as a gesture of love.
Ray: You are an idiot wrapped in a moron.
Robert: I'll tell you what I'm wrapped in: a good and healthy marriage.
Ray: Yeah, well, wrap it up to-go.
Robert: Fine. I found something that works, I'm trying to pass it on, but, hey, if you're happy with the way things are- [Ray hands Robert a bra] What's this for?
Ray: You're a boob.