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‘What Good Are You?’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: What Good Are You?

512. What Good Are You?

Aired January 8, 2001

Ray wonders whether people see him as useful after he fails to help Debra as she chokes on some food.

Quote from Marie

Ray: All right, let's say Robert's not here. He's giving CPR to a kitten, okay? Then then you want me.
Marie: Is your father available?
Ray: What?
Marie: Say what you will about him, but when it comes to something like this, he can be very impressive. I mean, he's a fighter. He's got that inner rage. Actually, he's just looking for an excuse to use it.
Ray: And you like that? You're the one always complaining that he isn't sensitive enough.
Marie: But you just don't want sensitive. Sensitive doesn't scare off a burglar, or a peeping Tom.
Ray: That's a big problem around here, is it?

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Quote from Marie

Marie: Don't listen to him. Don't listen to him. You're a sweet boy and that's what you do.
Ray: I'm not sweet!
Marie: All right, don't get upset. What I meant to say is that you're sweet, but you're also manly. You're a strapping, virile man.
Frank: Said his mommy.
Marie: I'm not only his mommy, Frank. I'm also a woman.
Ray: Oh God.

Quote from Ray

Ray: And then the beautiful princess said, "Oh, brave and handsome knight, thank you for taking that painful wooden spike out of my hand. I will marry you! I'm lucky to marry you!" And the townspeople rejoiced. Except for the giant, evil cowardly brother. Who was banished from the kingdom forever. And had to live 1.38 miles away.
Kids: Yay, yay, yay, yay.
Debra: My hero.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Going to eat all of that?
Debra: I asked you if you wanted one.
Ray: All right, fine. I was just thinking that right now I could go for some orange or some sex. [Debra hands Ray some orange] Thank you. [Debra chokes] You all right? What's the matter? What wrong pipe or something? [Debra coughs up the orange segment] There you go.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Ray, why didn't you do something?!
Ray: What? What do you want me to do?
Debra: You just sat there and turned up the TV!
Ray: There was a lot of noise.
Debra: Oh! Is that how you react in an emergency?!
Ray: It wasn't an emergency. The thing came out. There. Want me to pick it up so you don't slip on it?
Debra: I was choking!
Ray: You were coughing. I mean, coughing's not choking.

Quote from Debra

Ray: All right, I'm sorry! I guess I should have done more.
Debra: More than nothing, Ray?
Ray: Oh, come on. You're okay, now. You don't got to be mad at me, right? "Mukluk"?
Debra: You know, is it too much to ask for you to save my life once in a while? I mean, I think it's the least you could do around here.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hey, come on. You know you can always count on me.
Debra: Oh, I can? When?
Ray: When it counts. When the chips are down everybody knows that. I'm the "chips-are-down" guy.
Debra: Mmmm. Oh, really? Ahem well, where was the "chips-are-down" guy when the squirrel got in the house other day? I believe he was in the closet screaming, "Get it out! Get it out! It's after me!"
Ray: It was after me! I'd been eating nuts!
Debra: I mean, face it. You're useless in an emergency.
Ray: This wasn't an emergency! You coughed, you went, "pwah!" Right? That's not choking.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Okay, and if I had been choking, what would you have done?
Ray: If you had really been choking, I'm sure I would have known what to do.
Debra: Oh, it would come to you, just like that?
Ray: Yeah, yeah. Like the grandma who suddenly can lift the truck off the grandson.
Debra: Okay, Grandma, what would you do?
Ray: I would have done the maneuver thing.
Debra: Yeah. How do you do the maneuver thing?
Ray: You get around behind them and you... Listen, my specialty happens to be mouth-to-mouth.

Quote from Ray

Robert: You were choking?
Ray: No.
Debra: Yeah, and he just sat there.
Robert: Well he's never been good in an emergency.
Debra: Unless you can't hear a TV during your emergency, then he's your man.
Ray: Hey, the chips weren't down!

Quote from Ray

Robert: Don't worry Deb, you're family. I'm watching out for you.
Debra: Thanks, Robert.
Ray: Oh, please.
Robert: You know a person can perform the Heimlich maneuver on themselves if they have to?
Debra: Yeah? You better show me how.
Robert: I hear you. Okay, you're going to use the chair...
Debra: Yes.
Ray: I hear you too. Hey, Robert. There's another maneuver you can perform on yourself.

Quote from Marie

Ray: Hey, Ma.
Marie: Hello, Raymond. Want something to eat?
Ray: No, I'm not hungry.
Marie: You'll have a sandwich.
Ray: Let me get that for you, here. [groans as he opens jar of celery] There you go.
Marie: Thank you. Actually, I had just closed it.

Quote from Marie

Marie: What's wrong, Raymond? What did she do?
Ray: Nothing. She's mad at me. She was eating an orange and she started coughing and but not big coughing, you know? And I guess I should have done something or something.
Marie: Is that what she said?
Ray: No. She said she was choking and I should have saved her life.
Marie: Well, you know, Raymond, I have always found Debra to be very demanding.

Quote from Marie

Ray: You know, so I didn't know the exact right thing to do at that particular moment. I'm still... you know, right?
Marie: What, dear?
Ray: Well like, in an emergency situation. You'd still want me around, right?
Marie: What kind of emergency?
Ray: I don't know. I save you from something. A flood, a fire.
Marie: Are there other people around?
Ray: Oh, come on, Ma!
Marie: It's just that when it comes to acting under pressure, you're not exactly... But Robert happens to be very capable.

Quote from Ray

Marie: And you always do things like that. I remember you getting into fights all the time.
Frank: Getting picked on, you mean. A wedgie is not a fight.
Marie: Look, you remember that boy who was bothering you and you walloped him?
Ray: Oh, yeah. That's right. Robert's friend Albert Gomez.
Frank: How old was this bruiser? 10?!
Ray: For your information, Dad, I was 10, okay? He was 12 and a half.
Frank: Oo-oo-ooh.
Ray: He called me "Big Nose Barone," and I said, "Stop." He said, "Okay, B.N.B." I knew what that meant. Yeah. So I punched him in the stomach and he went down like a sack of doorknobs. Yeah, it wasn't "Big Nose Barone" anymore. It was "Superpunch."

Quote from Frank

Marie: [to Ray] And you don't have a big nose, dear. It's perfect for your face.
Frank: It's perfect for two faces.
Marie: Oh, stop it!
Ray: All right, Dad! Knock it off!
Frank: Easy there, "Superpunch."

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