Debra: Why did you tell me it was only once a year?
Marie: Because this whole topic is improper. What we do in our bedroom is our own business. And I prefer not to be known as the whore of Lynbrook.
Frank: We can move from Lynbrook.
Debra: You know, I don't understand, Marie. What are you so ashamed of?
Frank: She's ashamed to admit she likes it.
Marie: Oh, Frank. How do you know I like it?
Frank: Well, who wouldn't like it? Why don't you just admit it, Marie.
Marie: Yes, it's true. I enjoy my sex life. All right? Okay? I mean, forgive me, but in my day a woman didn't discuss these things. I mean, sex was a wifely duty. And the truth of the matter is that your father happens to be very competent. And it's obvious that I'm a woman. And I have needs like any other woman. Maybe I shouldn't be ashamed of sex because it's a very natural part of life. And if I'm lucky enough to still enjoy the pleasures of it, then I'm going to.

Frank: Look, it's all right. It's all right. Listen, sonny, if you're having trouble making the wee-wacky-woo-hoo, you did not get that from me.
Ray: You want to be honest? Let's be honest. Mom told Debra how much things have slowed down between you two.
Frank: Well, I might not be where I was at your age, but I think a couple of times a week is pretty good.
Robert: A couple times a week?
Ray: Holy crap.
Frank: That's right. And now if you'll excuse me, all this talk has kind of put me in the mood.

Frank: Look, I don't care. If it's out in the open, it's out in the open. Twice a week.
Marie: Oh, Frank! What are you saying? Don't lie like that.
Debra: Okay, see?
Frank: Hey, who's lying? What's wrong with you?
Marie: Why are we having this conversation?
Frank: Come on, Marie. I got a reputation here. Word of mouth is everything in this business.
Marie: I happen to be a lady, Frank. [Frank pokes Marie] Ooh!
Debra: What do you mean, Marie? Is it true?
Marie: Yes, it's true!

Marie: Frank, tell the truth. It's not twice a week.
Frank: Well, give or take. The point is we're not dead.
Ray: You know, I can't believe this, but I actually want to ask you something.
Marie: Go ahead, dear.
Ray: How can you two be so... shouldn't you two be tired?
Frank: What's there to be tired about? I don't work anymore. What else do I got to do?
Marie: And you're forgetting the most important thing about the sex.
Debra: Oh, God.
Marie: The kids are out of the house.
Frank: Yeah, for years you were dragging us down.
Marie: You remember the night when Robby went to his new apartment? [Frank chuckles]

Marie: Let me tell you something, there are a lot more important things in a marriage than that, like friendship and trust and keeping a neat house.
Debra: Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Marie: I mean, people our age aren't preoccupied with these things.
Debra: So how long has it been since you've had- Since you started focusing on the neatness of the house?
Marie: I-I-I don't know. 20 years.
Debra: 20 years? You haven't...?
Marie: Well, no, I wouldn't say never. I'd say once a year.
Debra: Once a year for 20 years?
Marie: Yeah, on average. I'll tell you something, dear. Someday this house will be a lot neater.

Marie: Why would you want to introduce a subject matter of this kind to an innocent child?
Debra: Listen, you should be happy we're taking care of this, because eventually, she might ask you a question.
Marie: But I'm her grandmother.
Debra: Yes, but you're a person. You're a woman.
Marie: I don't like this, Debra.
Debra: She might ask about you and Grandpa.
Marie: Well, if she does, I will change the subject and give her a cookie.
Debra: Is that what you do when Grandpa asks? [laughs]
Marie: [faint laughter] Yes, nothing's off limits.
Debra: Oh, Marie, I didn't mean anything.
Marie: Anyway, he doesn't ask anymore.

Debra: We're turning into your parents.
Ray: Okay, which one am I?
Debra: I've got some news for you, Ray. Your sex drive is diminishing.
Ray: Well, if you're my mom, what do you expect?
Debra: I'm serious, Ray. Look, I used to have to fend you off every night. Now it's down to less than once a week.
Ray: No, it's not. No, it's not.
Debra: Yes, it is, Ray. Yes, it is, Ray.
Ray: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe if I'm trying less, it's because of all the rejection, huh? Yeah, I'm like the monkey who gets shocked every time he reaches for the pellet.

Ray: All right, look, Dad, forget it. You don't got to answer. I already know the answer, all right? Your sex drive diminishes as you get older.
Frank: Hey, speak for yourself.
Ray: What?
Frank: Look, I don't know about Harriet Lichtman, but as far as your mother and I are concerned, the saints are still marching in.
Ray: All right, you don't have to exaggerate, Dad.
Frank: Hey, in this department I speak the truth.

Ray: That is not true. My mother's the liar.
Debra: Ray, she didn't lie to me about this. She opened up to me.
Ray: Opened up? She played you like a Hawaiian on a ukulele.
Debra: Oh, you're impossible. You know that? Your father makes up a story and you just believe it.
Ray: Because it's true.
Debra: Listen, when your mom and I talked, she told me that she... [Ray hums ukulele music] Ray. Okay, I'm telling you. Fine fine.
Ray: Come on. All right, look, it's already Saturday. We gotta do it three times tomorrow. Hi, Mrs. Scarpulla.

Marie: Oh, yes, I was wondering if you have any... nasal spray. Because Frank has got... Oh! What's this?
Debra: Oh, it's a guidebook on how to talk to your kids about sex.
Marie: Why?
Debra: Actually, Ally's already starting to ask questions.
Marie: Really?
Debra: Yeah.
Marie: Well, may I ask what's going on around here that she needs to ask questions?
Debra: What? Nothing.
Marie: You know, they make robes that cover up a person.
Debra: What?
Marie: Yes, with a zipper.