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‘Sex Talk’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Sex Talk

404. Sex Talk

Aired October 11, 1999

After Debra buys a book about talking to your kids about sex, it's the adults who end up having a frank discussion.

Quote from Marie

Debra: Why did you tell me it was only once a year?
Marie: Because this whole topic is improper. What we do in our bedroom is our own business. And I prefer not to be known as the whore of Lynbrook.
Frank: We can move from Lynbrook.
Debra: You know, I don't understand, Marie. What are you so ashamed of?
Frank: She's ashamed to admit she likes it.
Marie: Oh, Frank. How do you know I like it?
Frank: Well, who wouldn't like it? Why don't you just admit it, Marie.
Marie: Yes, it's true. I enjoy my sex life. All right? Okay? I mean, forgive me, but in my day a woman didn't discuss these things. I mean, sex was a wifely duty. And the truth of the matter is that your father happens to be very competent. And it's obvious that I'm a woman. And I have needs like any other woman. Maybe I shouldn't be ashamed of sex because it's a very natural part of life. And if I'm lucky enough to still enjoy the pleasures of it, then I'm going to.

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Quote from Frank

Frank: Look, it's all right. It's all right. Listen, sonny, if you're having trouble making the wee-wacky-woo-hoo, you did not get that from me.
Ray: You want to be honest? Let's be honest. Mom told Debra how much things have slowed down between you two.
Frank: Well, I might not be where I was at your age, but I think a couple of times a week is pretty good.
Robert: A couple times a week?
Ray: Holy crap.
Frank: That's right. And now if you'll excuse me, all this talk has kind of put me in the mood.

Quote from Marie

Frank: Look, I don't care. If it's out in the open, it's out in the open. Twice a week.
Marie: Oh, Frank! What are you saying? Don't lie like that.
Debra: Okay, see?
Frank: Hey, who's lying? What's wrong with you?
Marie: Why are we having this conversation?
Frank: Come on, Marie. I got a reputation here. Word of mouth is everything in this business.
Marie: I happen to be a lady, Frank. [Frank pokes Marie] Ooh!
Debra: What do you mean, Marie? Is it true?
Marie: Yes, it's true!

Quote from Marie

Marie: Frank, tell the truth. It's not twice a week.
Frank: Well, give or take. The point is we're not dead.
Ray: You know, I can't believe this, but I actually want to ask you something.
Marie: Go ahead, dear.
Ray: How can you two be so... shouldn't you two be tired?
Frank: What's there to be tired about? I don't work anymore. What else do I got to do?
Marie: And you're forgetting the most important thing about the sex.
Debra: Oh, God.
Marie: The kids are out of the house.
Frank: Yeah, for years you were dragging us down.
Marie: You remember the night when Robby went to his new apartment? [Frank chuckles]

Quote from Marie

Marie: Let me tell you something, there are a lot more important things in a marriage than that, like friendship and trust and keeping a neat house.
Debra: Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Marie: I mean, people our age aren't preoccupied with these things.
Debra: So how long has it been since you've had- Since you started focusing on the neatness of the house?
Marie: I-I-I don't know. 20 years.
Debra: 20 years? You haven't...?
Marie: Well, no, I wouldn't say never. I'd say once a year.
Debra: Once a year for 20 years?
Marie: Yeah, on average. I'll tell you something, dear. Someday this house will be a lot neater.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Why would you want to introduce a subject matter of this kind to an innocent child?
Debra: Listen, you should be happy we're taking care of this, because eventually, she might ask you a question.
Marie: But I'm her grandmother.
Debra: Yes, but you're a person. You're a woman.
Marie: I don't like this, Debra.
Debra: She might ask about you and Grandpa.
Marie: Well, if she does, I will change the subject and give her a cookie.
Debra: Is that what you do when Grandpa asks? [laughs]
Marie: [faint laughter] Yes, nothing's off limits.
Debra: Oh, Marie, I didn't mean anything.
Marie: Anyway, he doesn't ask anymore.

Quote from Ray

Debra: We're turning into your parents.
Ray: Okay, which one am I?
Debra: I've got some news for you, Ray. Your sex drive is diminishing.
Ray: Well, if you're my mom, what do you expect?
Debra: I'm serious, Ray. Look, I used to have to fend you off every night. Now it's down to less than once a week.
Ray: No, it's not. No, it's not.
Debra: Yes, it is, Ray. Yes, it is, Ray.
Ray: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe if I'm trying less, it's because of all the rejection, huh? Yeah, I'm like the monkey who gets shocked every time he reaches for the pellet.

Quote from Frank

Ray: All right, look, Dad, forget it. You don't got to answer. I already know the answer, all right? Your sex drive diminishes as you get older.
Frank: Hey, speak for yourself.
Ray: What?
Frank: Look, I don't know about Harriet Lichtman, but as far as your mother and I are concerned, the saints are still marching in.
Ray: All right, you don't have to exaggerate, Dad.
Frank: Hey, in this department I speak the truth.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh, yes, I was wondering if you have any... nasal spray. Because Frank has got... Oh! What's this?
Debra: Oh, it's a guidebook on how to talk to your kids about sex.
Marie: Why?
Debra: Actually, Ally's already starting to ask questions.
Marie: Really?
Debra: Yeah.
Marie: Well, may I ask what's going on around here that she needs to ask questions?
Debra: What? Nothing.
Marie: You know, they make robes that cover up a person.
Debra: What?
Marie: Yes, with a zipper.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Honey, I'm trying to get your attention.
Ray: All right, can you just give me one second? This is good.
Debra: It's a Scottish guy throwing a log.
Ray: For the championship.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Do you realize that for the last 20 years your parents have only had sex once a year?
Ray: What? Who told you that?
Debra: Your mother.
Ray: What?! What?! What?! Why, why, why did you talk about that?
Debra: She saw the sex book and we just started talking and she told me.
Ray: Well, why are you telling me?
Debra: Because you're turning into your father. Listen, things started slowing down for them when they were the age that we are now.
Ray: We're not them.
Debra: I just kissed you, rubbed your chest, kissed you again in an impure manner, you never took your eyes off the TV. 10 years ago, all I had to do was be awake. Sometimes not even that.

Quote from Ray

Ray: I'm still I'm still a sex machine. Come on. It was just today. You know, today, it was a long day and the kids.
I had a heavy meal. You know what? I don't need excuses. Come on. Let's go right now, me and you. Let's go mano-a-womano.
Debra: No, I don't want to do it just 'cause you want to prove something.
Ray: I don't want to prove something. I just love to sex you up.
Debra: All right, stop it, Ray.
Ray: No.
Debra: You never want to talk about anything.
Ray: I'm ready now. [sighs] The monkey never learns.

Quote from Frank

Frank: You believe this game? Oh, holy hell, somebody make a tackle! It's like they're not wearing cups.

Quote from Frank

Robert: So, Raymond, what is the problem?
Ray: Hey, Robert, this is a pretty good game. We should just shut up and watch it, right?
Frank: What problem? What are you talking about?
Ray: Nothing, Dad, nothing.
Robert: Sounds like Raymond's having a little trouble south of the border.
Frank: Oh, yeah? Mr. Johnson not showing up for work?

Quote from Frank

Robert: Ray, look, why don't you just ask Dad what you asked me?
Ray: Would you stop?
Robert: What? We're all men. Dad, look, how many times would you say that you and Mom...
Ray: Oh, somebody kill me.
Robert: And look, by the way, you don't have to call her Mom. We got a system. You can pick any name.
Frank: Another name?
Robert: Yeah, that way it's not embarrassing.
Ray: Yeah, I think we're passed that.
Frank: Harriet Lichtman.

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