Marie: No, sweetheart, both my boys are gorgeous. In their own way. But I think that Robert sort of takes after me a bit more, whereas you favor your father.
Frank: [enters in his underwear] Marie. Marie, what's the difference between a bunion and a corn?
Marie: Do you know that your son here doesn't think he's good-looking?
Frank: What do you mean, you're not good-looking? You look like me.
Marie: There you go.

Amy: So, you're a police sergeant. Your wife must get worried sick about you.
Robert: No, not as sick as she used to. We're divorced.
Amy: I'm sorry.
Robert: No, no. It's all for the best. I'm much happier now than I used to be.
Amy: I just have so much respect for people in your line of work.
Robert: No, it's just hours of boredom interrupted by moments of unbelievable horror.

Marie: Well, I'm glad he had a date, at least. I mean, he's been moping around here ever since the divorce. I mean, such a waste. Oh, he's such a good-looking boy.
Ray: So, you think so, too?
Marie: Of course. Who doesn't? Everybody used to say what a beautiful boy your brother was.
Ray: What about me?
Marie: Well, you're adorable.
Ray: Adorable. Like a hamster.
Marie: No. Like a person. But, oh, your brother used to turn heads. He always had that sort of old-fashioned, movie star look like Valentino.
Ray: Oh, I see. So, he's Valentino and I'm Fievel.

Amy: I can't believe you. Somebody just drops by and you've got homemade cookies. You're amazing.
Debra: Yeah, Amy, I'm amazing. I can turn on the oven and cut up a log of dough.
Amy: I never get that far. I just peel back the plastic and eat it like a banana.

Debra: So, Amy, what's new with you?
Amy: Well, I just got the corner office-
Debra: No, pass that. Pass that. Get to the good stuff, the dating scene.
Amy: Oh, you don't wanna go back there, Deb. I feel like one of those things on the salad bar that nobody touches -'cause it's been sitting out there too long.
Debra: No. Come on, all you need is a little spritz of water. You should be more assertive.
Amy: Nah, that's not me. [to the twins] Maybe I'll just wait for one of you guys.

Robert: Listen, Debra, once again it's that time of year where I have to ask you to look deep into your hearts and pockets to pledge your continued support for those of us who risk our lives for you.
Debra: Yeah, sure, Robert. How much?
Robert: Let me finish. A $20 pledge enables us to upgrade our equipment fund our Community Outreach Program and provide our canine division with crunchy treats. Thank you.
Amy: Oh, I've got $20.
Robert: Thank you, ma'am, for your generosity. The contribution entitles you to a reflective decal.

Ray: Listen, I got advice for you. When you pick her up, you got to remember that you're off duty. So when you open up the car door for her, don't push her head down like this. You don't wanna do that.
Robert: All right, thanks. That's great, Raymond. I appreciate it.

Debra: You are being silly. I mean, you're very attractive. You're tall, dark, and handsome. That's what every woman wants.
Robert: Oh, Debra, you're just saying that.
Debra: No, listen, I've always felt that way.
Robert: Yeah, see? There you go, Robert.
Debra: Yes. In fact, of all the Barones, I'd say that you were the most...
Ray: What?
Debra: The most tallest and the most darkest.
Ray: What were you gonna say?
Debra: Nothing. I'm just telling Robert how attractive he is.

Debra: Look, Ray, I'm really sorry. You know, I just misspoke. You're the more attractive one. I mean that.
I really do. So can we just, you know, forget this whole thing, all right? Just go to sleep, okay? Good night.
Ray: It's the pores on my nose, right?
Debra: The pores on your nose?
Ray: Yeah, I got these pores. They're large. They're large pores.
Debra: They're regular pores, Ray. You just think they're large because you...
Ray: Because? Because? Because they're on my large nose!

Ray: Can I ask you something?
Marie: Anything, dear.
Ray: How do I look to you?
Marie: Why? Are you sick?
Ray: No.
Marie: Oh, you don't look so good.
Ray: Ma.
Marie: No, no, you don't look good. You're pale, and your eyes are sunken in. What's the matter?
Ray: Nothing.
Marie: Oh, don't lie to me Raymond. You look awful. Have some raisin toast.
Ray: Ma, stop it. I'm not sick, okay? This is how I always look. But thank you.