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‘Let's Fix Robert’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Let's Fix Robert

521. Let's Fix Robert

Aired April 30, 2001

Marie assembles a group of women from Robert's life to discuss what's wrong with him.

Quote from Amy

Amy: You're Stefania?
Stefania: Si. And you are?
Amy: I'm Amy. Robert's other ex-girlfriend. Or as I'll be known as from now on, the plain one.

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Quote from Marie

Marie: All right, Robbie. You don't seem to be helping anymore, so maybe you should go now.
Robert: Fine. Fine. I don't know why the hell I even sat down for this all-you-can-eat character assassination. And for your information with regards to the onions, I happen to have taste buds that are more sensitive to savory than sweet, Judy. [exits]
Marie: For some reason, and it's a mystery to me, I'm the only woman he gets along with.

Quote from Amy

Marie: Say hello, Robbie.
Robert: Hello, Amy. Hello, Stefania. Hello, Amy and Stefania. Together in my mother's living room.
Stefania: Roberto.
Amy: Bastardo.

Quote from Amy

Stefania: You were also Roberto's girlfriend?
Amy: As a matter of fact, pretty much at the same time you were.
Debra: I was looking at your red wines. Which Chianti would arrive the soonest?
Stefania: But Roberto did not ever speak of you.
Amy: Yeah, he was good like that.
Stefania: Oh! If I had known... Non abbastanza mi lascia, ora scopro di essere "l'altra donna". bastardo!
Amy: I'm not sure what you said, but I like how it ended.

Quote from Ray

Robert: [opens pizza box] What, did you flip the car?
Frank: What the hell happened?!
Ray: That's just a little hi-how-are-you from Stefania and Amy.
Robert: What? Stefania and Amy?
Ray: That's right. They're both sitting together at what is now, "Marco's All-American Pizzeria, U.S.A." And they're ripping into you like Tiny Tim on a Christmas ham.

Quote from Amy

Marie: All right, so who wants to begin, huh? How to make Robbie a better mate.
Amy: I'll start. Whenever we'd go out to dinner and we'd order dessert, he'd always say, "I'll just have a taste of yours." And then it was like a shark attack! Nothing but a little puddle of fudge left! Order your own dessert!
Marie: Oh, Sweetheart, have a cannoli. You stay away from these. Look at her. She's a twig.
Judy: Yeah, well, the man does get excited about his food. But when he goes after mine, I whack his knuckles with my night stick.

Quote from Marie

Stefania: Yes, maybe he's wrong in the head. That's why he likes to stay home every night and sit on his ugly sofa.
Judy: Oh, ladies. Let's remember, Robert has a very demanding job. He does need his downtime.
Robert: Thank you, Judy.
Judy: But can someone please tell me what is with that man and onions?! He puts them on everything. There are other people!
Marie: All areas you could be working on, dear.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Pfft. What a load of crap.
Ray: What?
Debra: "The right lady's out there." Well, guess what? You're never going to find her. You know why? 'Cause you don't want to. You're alone, 'cause that's what you really want.
Robert: I believe you're looking for the meeting across the street.
Debra: Let me tell you something. You've created an image of this ideal woman, so that when regular women regular, wonderful, real women fall short, you reject them.
Robert: No.
Debra: Yes! And that way, you never have to settle down and everyone can still feel sorry for poor, lonely you.
Robert: Look, I may not be the greatest catch in the world, but I don't think I should just settle.
Debra: I'm not telling you to settle, Robert, but you're not going to be happy if every time you discover a flaw in somebody, you go to somebody else, because that somebody else is going to have her own flaws! Nobody's perfect!

Quote from Amy

Amy: Never seen this place so crowded.
Debra: Yeah, ever since Marco took over, the food is supposed to be unbelievable. [to waitress] Oh, thanks.
Amy: Was that Stefania?
Debra: No.
Amy: Which one is she?
Debra: Amy, you know, maybe we should eat somewhere else? There's plenty of other restaurants where Robert's ex-girlfriends don't work.
Amy: No, no, no, she took my boyfriend, now she can take my order.
Debra: Yeah, but I just don't get- Oh, my God. How is this so good?! This is just a breadstick! You've got to taste this!
Amy: No, no, I'm not going to eat. I want to be thin when I see her.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Hey, Mr. Fogagnolo. Is my pizza ready?
Marco: It's ready when I say it's ready.
Ray: That's a good policy.
Debra: [to Amy & Stefania] Oh, look. There's my little bastardo.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Hey, did Robert ever take you to the movies?
Stefania: Ah, yes.
Amy: That's fun, isn't it? All his little rules. "Shh! No talking! Movie! No talking!"
Stefania: Yes. "I don't like to share my Good & Plenty." He's like idiot.
Ray: Hey, hey, hey. That's a little rough, isn't it? He happens to be right about the talking. It's very rude.

Quote from Amy

Marco: [to Ray] Now it's ready.
Stefania: Papa, listen to this. Roberto used me to cheat on this nice lady.
Marco: He tells me he break up with Stefania 'cause he no like girls.
Ray: [chortles] Americans.
Marco: Your brother, he is no good.
Amy: Bastardo.
Marco: This one I like. She eats for free.
Amy: Okay, Ray, you can go now. We want to talk about Robert some more.
Ray: You know what you need? You need a big black pot that you can all stir.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Holy crap! This is... holy crap. Mmm.
Robert: Well, that's just perfect. Marco has delicious food and now it's a gathering place for everyone who hates me.
Frank: No wonder it got good reviews.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Just the fact that you had to say you stood up for me, means that you didn't!
Ray: I did! They were insulting you and I told them to stop.
Frank: They were insulting you. He told them to stop. [laughs]
Ray: I did!
Robert: Yeah yeah, sure you did.
Ray: What? You don't believe me? Good, fine. Maybe you are a bastardo.
Robert: What?
Ray: Everybody knows it, man!

Quote from Marie

Marie: How are you, Robbie?
Robert: Fine. Actually, terrible. I'm pathetic, I'm a loser and everybody hates me. Could you make me something to eat?
Marie: Of course, dear. [grabs a bag of potato chips] There you go. Bye bye, dear.
Robert: Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma! Wait! What is this?
Marie: Well, don't you like potato chips anymore?
Robert: No, I do, but couldn't you make me something? I'm really feeling down here.
Marie: Oh, I'm sorry, Robbie. But the truth is, see, I'm kind of in the middle of something. But come back later and I'll make you a plate.
Robert: All right.
Marie: Robbie, wait. All right, here. Come with me.
Robert: What's going on?
Marie: I think this'll be good for you, dear.
[Marie takes Robert into the living room where Amy and Stefania are sitting on the couch]
Robert: Ma!
Marie: We've been talking.

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