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‘Ping Pong’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Ping Pong

313. Ping Pong

Aired January 11, 1999

Ray and Robert reminisce about the times they used to play ping-pong with Frank.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Let me tell you something, when I came back from Korea, I had no money, no skills. Sure I was good with a bayonet. But you can't put that in a resume, it puts people off. I had nothing!
Ray: You had Mom. [Frank shrugs] Sorry.
Frank: I worked in a restaurant, a meatpacking plant, a bowling alley, and they all ended the same way with the same lame-ass excuse: "Broke too many dishes", "Too slow with the giblets", "I'm sorry, you've been replaced by a machine that rolls the ball back."
Ray: You were an accountant.
Frank: Yeah, by the time you came along, I was an accountant. Not even an accountant, bookkeeper.
Ray: So? So what? That's a good career.
Frank: That's a job! You think I liked it? Sitting there all day? And then the traffic, the idiots. That is life. And you've got to be tough. I tried to show you that.

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Quote from Marie

Marie: Talk dirty to your father.
Ray: What?!
Marie: Say ass.
Ray: Mom, come on.
Frank: Come on, Ray, you're gonna talk some more trash to me?
Ray: No, I don't know. I'm distracted by the shine off your scalp. [Robert & Marie laugh]
Marie: That's good one, Raymond. 'Cause you're bald.

Quote from Ray

Frank: Take all the skin off my head, it still wouldn't cover Ray's nose.
Ray: Yeah well, I wish it would 'cause then I wouldn't have to smell your head without the skin on it.
Robert: What's that supposed to mean?
Ray: It means, shut up, that's what it means.
Marie: I don't like that, Raymond.
Ray: Well, you too.
Marie: Ooh! [Marie switches to Frank's side]
Ray: Sorry, I'm sorry.
Frank: I actually liked you on the other side better. Because the tilt of the basement was working in my favor. [Marie returns to Raymond's side]

Quote from Marie

Marie: Raymond, I just want you to know that your father is a very sore looser. But when he wins, he's a gloating moron. Here, I brought you some lasagna for strength.

Quote from Robert

Robert: I want you to know, Ray, I'm rooting for you too.
Ray: Oh, thanks, Robert.
Robert: Don't get all choked up. It's more of an anti-Dad thing than pro-you.

Quote from Robert

Robert: I'm just thinking about my childhood and Dad playing us in ping-pong.
Ray: Oh yeah, with the taunting?
Robert: Yeah and the rhyming of the scores.
Ray: "10 serving three, you can't compete with me."
Robert: "14 serving one, you're really not my son."

Quote from Frank

Ray: Dad, I beat you. Don't you remember the Rayman spin ball?
Frank: Ray, I learned to play in Korea from Koreans. You think some punk kid is gonna actually beat me?
Ray: No, you were trying to win, Dad. You were sweating and panting.
Frank: I'm a damn fine actor.
Ray: I saw your face when I won.
Frank: You mean this face? I'm so sad and weak and old. There's no way I could have returned Ray's spinning ball.
Ray: You let me win?
Frank: 'Morning, Sunshine! Now can I watch TV?

Quote from Ray

Marie: Raymond, that was terrible.
Ray: What?
Marie: You can't take a man's dignity away like that.
Ray: Dignity?! Dad? Come on, the man mows his lawn in his underwear. He cleans his ear with his pen. He rhymed zero with rear-o.

Quote from Ray

Debra: You're pretty happy, aren't you?
Ray: [whistles] I gotta go to Florida next week to cover the PGA. I might have to play a few rounds myself. What is not to be happy about?
Debra: Oh, how about my growing resentment?
Ray: Well, you have your hobby and I have mine.

Quote from Ray

Ray: No smiling. Get on the couch. Get on the couch, we have to talk. You understand? We're gonna have a long talk here. Get over here, up on that couch. This can't happen. This can't happen. No, over here, hey! Hey you, on the couch. No, don't laugh. Listen, turn around, no. It's not funny. Do you know that that's Daddy's golf bag?
Michael & Geoffrey: Yeah.
Ray: Yeah, you do. Well, do you know what titanium is?
Michael & Geoffrey: Yeah.
Ray: You know how hard Daddy works?
Michael & Geoffrey: Yeah.
Ray: Don't you know golf is all Daddy has?
Michael & Geoffrey: Yeah.
Ray: Yeah, smile. It's gonna be funny when we send you a postcard from Disneyland, isn't it? Yeah. Then how funny... Cut the cute crap, it ain't gonna work. Resentment going down?
Debra: A little, yeah.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Ma, why do you need all this fabric?
Marie: I got it real cheap and I'm gonna make beautiful curtains for your apartment.
Robert: Great, Ma, is it flame-retardant?
Marie: Of course.
Robert: Just my luck.

Quote from Robert

Robert: He made you cry.
Ray: I didn't cry.
Robert: You cried.
Ray: The ball hit me in the eye.
Robert: Then you cried.
Ray: Yeah, my body was reacting.
Robert: To the desire to cry.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Who was it who finally beat Dad, huh? [chuckles] Yeah. Yeah, who was that?
Robert: Of course, the first of the many Raymond glories.
Ray: I got him with my Rayman spin ball, boom!
Robert: Yeah, Dad was so crushed. So sad.
Ray: Yeah, that was great. I didn't have to play ping-pong with him ever again.

Quote from Marie

Marie: You're talking about playing ping-pong with your father? I always hated that. He made my Raymond cry.
Robert: Aha!
Ray: I didn't cry.
Marie: Oh, honey, your big brown eyes getting watery, the little sniffles, you were so precious.
Ray: I was not!
Robert: Oh, Raymond.

Quote from Ray

Marie: Oh, I'm glad he finally let you win that time.
Ray: What?
Marie: Yeah. How would you and Debra like a bedspread made out of this?
Ray: No, Ma, Ma, I beat Dad. Okay? I beat him. Don't you remember? I was in eighth grade, it was in March and I came home and I put my sneakers on and I had a Fluffanutter. I remember the Fluffanutter because I thought it would help me beat him. But after I won I realized it had nothing to do with the Fluffanutter. Ma?
Marie: Whatever you say, dear.
Robert: So Dad let you win. Interesting.
Ray: No, he didn't. No, he did not. It was me, pal. I was on that day.

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