Frank: You're fine with your sons dressing up like fairies for all of Long Island to see?
Ray: First of all, it's not in front of all of Long Island, okay? There's 40 people in the school's cafe-gym-a-torium, all right? Second of all, do you hear yourself?! Aren't you embarrassed to talk that way?!
Frank: What way?!
Ray: You know! Your old stupid ideas that you and your lodge buddies sit around and laugh at between bouts of gas.
Frank: Don't say nothing about my lodge buddies!
Ray: Who, the guys you swim naked with?
Frank: That's lodge policy!
Ray: Yeah, all right. Is it "lodge policy" to force your opinions on other people? Look, they're my kids, I'll raise them the way I want to raise them.

Marie: Oh, please. This won't make them gay. And even if it does, it's fine. It's better than fine, it's wonderful. Who cares what they are, so long as they're happy? You know what? I hope they do turn gay.
Frank: You're just saying that to make me mad!
Marie: Why are you mad? You think that's the worst thing that could happen? Them turning out like you is the worst thing that could happen.

Frank: Oh, who cares? The next day, I put up the basketball hoop. Before you know it, you had a shelf full of trophies. By the way, when are you going to get that crap out of my house?
Ray: Yeah, Dad needs that space for his "Father of the Year" awards.
Frank: What are you, cracking wise? My hard work is the only reason the two of you aren't flitting around here like a couple of tinkerbells! Even so, you're still a "bachelor."
Marie: Don't be ridiculous.
Debra: Yeah, Frank, dressing the twins like fairies is not going to make them gay.
Frank: Well, it's not going to make them teamsters.
Marie: I'm sure there are gay teamsters.
Frank: You, madam, are ignorant.

Marie: I was so sad when he quit chorus.
Robert: Well, I had to. Everyone was making fun of me.
Marie: That's why you quit? I don't remember anybody making fun of you.
Robert: Dad told me people were making fun of me.
Marie: What people? Who?
Frank: People.
Marie: What people?
Frank: People within the community.
Robert: It was just you, wasn't it, Dad?
Frank: I represent the community!

Marie: I tried to make Raymond sensitive, Debra.
Ray: Oh, Ma, don't you start, okay?
Marie: I took you to museums and I gave you piano lessons. And I even had his hair cut at my beauty parlor. But there's still some of his father in him.
Robert: He got the moron gene.

Frank: A play? That's a mistake! Get them into sports! Quick!
Ray: Look, it's a couple of weeks, that's all. The whole class is in it.
Frank: I don't like it. Look at them running around here like a couple of sissies!
Ray: There not sissies.
Frank: No?
Ray: No.
Frank: Well then what the hell are they?!
Ray: They're fairies.
Frank: Oh, my God! I'm telling you, sports! Quick! Right now! Tennis even!
Ray: No, look. These are the parts that they were assigned. All right? That's it, it's no big deal.
Frank: Well, listen to the king of the fairies.

Marie: I took Debra grocery shopping. Now she knows how to choose a cut of meat.
Debra: And humiliate a butcher.
Marie: We should go shopping together more often.
Debra: Yeah, I'll call you.

Debra: Oh, Frank, come on.
Robert: Hey, look, don't listen to him. He did the same thing to me when I joined the chorus in seventh grade. You know, I was basso profundo. [sings] "Old man river"
Frank: All right!
Robert: "That old man river He must know sumpin' But don't say nuthin'"
Frank: All right! All right! All right, enough! That's how it starts!
Debra: What?
Frank: Singing, dancing!
Robert: Showering regularly!
Frank: Why don't you go hang some drapes?
Marie: Stop it, Frank.

Ray: And what is that smell?!
Marie: He didn't shower today, so he used my Jean Nate.
Frank: What?!
Marie: You never look at what you're picking up in there.
Ray: Really? You're wearing perfume, Dad? [all chuckle]
Frank: Shut up!
Robert: You do smell purty, Pa.
Frank: Well, I'm not so sure I like the way I'm being treated here. If any of you want to apologize to me, I'll be in the bath! [exits]
Robert: Who's going to apologize to the tub?

Debra: Maybe you're more like your father than you think.
Ray: Hey! Look! I am not prejudiced!
Debra: You just don't want you boys to be fairies.
Ray: Listen to me. If my children come home and say, "Hey, Dad, we decided to be fairies in the school play," I say, "Hey, good for you! Good, guys. Let's go have a root beer, huh?" All right? My father doesn't do that. I'm not my father. What?!
Debra: You're going to give them a root beer?
Ray: Yes, that's right! I'm going- Yes!
Debra: You know what? You are worse than your father because at least he's upfront with it. I mean, you pretend to be liberal, but the truth is, you're embarrassed that your boys are playing fairies.
Robert: Ahem bull's-eye!
Ray: Hey, shut up! All right, just shut up.