Robert: Oh, hi. Is everything all right? [Pat nods her head] What, can't sleep? [Pat shakes her head] Yeah, me neither.
[Pat finally breathes and lets out a puff of smoke]
Pat: Your mom's cacciatore was very spicy.
Robert: Wow!
Pat: Oh, Robert, please don't tell anyone I smoke.
Robert: No, no, I won't.
Pat: It's my dirty little secret. I don't smoke a lot, just three a day. I've tried to quit but they're so...
Robert: Addictive.
Pat: I was gonna say "wonderfully relaxing."

Robert: So, no one knows? Not Hank?
Pat: Oh, goodness, no.
Robert: Not even Raymond?
Pat: No. [Robert smiles]
Robert: So, if you don't mind me asking, how have you been able to keep it hidden?
Pat: It's not easy. I buy my cigarettes two counties over where no one knows me.
Robert: But you never smell like smoke.
Pat: I only smoke outside. I hold it downwind and I always have plenty of minty chewing gum. In fact, Hank thinks gum-chewing is my bad habit.

Robert: All right. There was this new guy at work who smokes, and he's... And he's really popular, and I just wanted to fit in. But I didn't even like it. It made me throw up.
Marie: No more lying. You're a smoker!
Hank: Is everything all right?
Marie: Everything's horrible! Robert smokes!
Hank: No!
Marie: Don't you know that smoking can stunt your growth?

Hank: I like to blow up fireworks.
Pat: What are you saying, Hank?
Hank: That's right. Do you think you're easy to live with all the time, Pat? So skittish and faint-hearted and "Oh, my"? And last year, I caught a student with fireworks and they were still in my briefcase when I got home. You were on the couch, recuperating from your trip to the grocery store. I wanted to tell you to just get over it, but instead, I took the fireworks into the woods and I blew them up. And I liked it. So I got more. I had to drive to West Virginia. But it feels good to be able to really make some gosh darn noise.
Pat: So when you go on your nature walks?
Hank: That's right. I blow up nature. Boom!

Marie: I'm sorry. I know none of this is funny, except that I can't believe that you all have to resort to this sort of behavior to deal with your spouses.
Frank: You're all nuts.
Ray: You're laughing at us? You two?
Frank: Hey, if I have a problem with Marie, I don't do anything behind her back. I just turn to her and say, "Excuse me, darling, put a sock in it."
Marie: And I do the same thing. It's not healthy to hold in all those negative feelings.
Robert: And you two are healthy?
Marie: Do we smoke? Or play with gunpowder? Or bark at the cat?

Hank: How long have you smoked?
Pat: 27 years.
Hank: Oh!
Pat: I'm sorry, Hank.
Hank: Smoking! Smoking! It's like you never listened to a word I said.
Pat: Oh, Hank, I listen to you all the time, and it's hard, because you're so overly certain about everything.
Hank: You mean like "Smoking is bad"? Well, why don't you just drink poison?
Pat: I have to tell you, Hank, I don't like that tone of voice. And I'll tell you something else: I think you're the reason I smoke. Now, you know I love you with all my heart, Hank, but I think if I didn't have my cigarettes, I would have to fight you. Oh, my goodness, that felt good to say. Thank you, Debra.
Hank: "Thank you, Debra"?
Debra: You're welcome.

Pat: Hello, sweetie. There's your birthday present, but you can't open it till tomorrow.
Robert: Welcome, Mom and Dad-in-law.
Pat: Hello, Robert. [excited] Hello, Raymond!
Ray: Hey. How are you doing?
Robert: Pat, I remember how much fun you and Raymond had doing that puzzle last year, so I bought one "The Ten Commandments," all of which I love, by the way. Not a stinker among them.
Hank: Actually, we've already done that puzzle.
Robert: Damn! Guess I gotta work on this one right here.

Hank: You know, I am not only the vice principal at Cooper Junior High School, I am also the Health Ed teacher.
Marie: Good. Tell him how bad smoking is.
Hank: When any faculty member brings me a youngster who they've caught smoking, do you know what the first thing is that I ask them? "Why don't you just drink poison?" Well, Mr. Barone, I'll ask you the same thing: Why don't you just drink poison?
Robert: Do you have any?
Hank: Jokes. Funny business. It's what I get from my 12-year-olds, and I guess it's what I'll get from you as well. Can you believe this, Mother?
Pat: Wait. Robert... I'm very disappointed in you.

Robert: [to Hank] Look, I know you're upset, but I think what your wife did is actually pretty common between married couples. It wasn't lying, it was more like she was just letting off steam, so you don't let it out on the person you love. You know? Like Ray, he has to drive around the block a few times every night listening to the radio before he goes home to face Debra.
Ray: Are you crazy? I don't-
Debra: All right, save it, Ray. You don't think I've seen you circling the block, all hunched over, just a big nose and a steering wheel going around?
Ray: So you know and you don't say anything?
Debra: No, I know and I get mad. And that's why after you leave I eat chocolate all day until you get home.
Hank: That's a lot of sugar, Debra.
Marie: Is that in addition to the drinking?

Amy: Dad, don't be so angry. Everybody has their little ways of coping in their relationship, even me.
Robert: Of course. What do you mean, you?
Amy: It's nothing. Just... You know how you always have to have your toothbrush in the holder always facing to the right?
Robert: Yeah, east.
Amy: I know, east. So sometimes - I don't know why - I turn it... west.
Robert: That's you?!