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‘The Breakup Tape’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Breakup Tape

618. The Breakup Tape

Aired March 4, 2002

Debra finds an old answering machine tape that Ray has kept for twenty years.

Quote from Frank

Frank: I gotta tell ya, breaking up on the answering machine is the way to go. If those things were around in my day, I wouldn't have had to move so much.
Debra: But nobody thinks it's odd that someone would keep a tape like this?
Frank: I'll tell you what it is, it's dumb. You should get rid of all evidence of the past.
Marie: I kept everything from my past relationships.
Frank: She had to. It's tough to throw out a cave painting.

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Quote from Debra

Debra: Come on, Ray, you kept it. You took it out of the answering machine, you labeled it, and you placed it in a box along with a bunch of lame foosball trophies.
Ray: Lame? I was playing at a level that you will never understand.
Debra: And I noticed you took the time to pop out the tabs, which you neglected to do with our wedding video.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Ray, I really don't remember. None of these guys mean anything to me now.
Ray: What other gifts do you have?
Debra: I don't know. Um, the pepper grinder.
Ray: The pepper grinder? Our pepper grinder? The grinder I pepper my food with?

Quote from Debra

Debra: Hey, Ray, I was cleaning out the basement and- By the way, did you know your family's downstairs?
Ray: Why do you think I'm upstairs?
Debra: Why do you think I'm cleaning out the basement? Anyway, I was down there, and I came across a box of your old trophies.
Ray: What, my foosball trophies?
Debra: No, your Nobel prizes.

Quote from Ray

Debra: A breakup tape? That's like keeping a hangnail.
Ray: No, it's not, okay? There's plenty of people that would keep this.
Debra: Who?
Ray: Anybody!
Debra: Nobody.
Ray: Not nobody, because l-body!
Debra: "I-body"? You know, the hardest thing to believe about this tape is that you went to college.
Ray: Yeah, all right. Just gimme my tape.
Debra: When you tell me why you keep it.
Ray: I don't have to tell you anything! All right, what you did is unconscionable. That's right, there's your college.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Hey, where you been? What's all this stuff?
Ray: I bought some things. I thought it was time to get some new, better things.
Debra: What did you get?
Ray: What did I get? I got some great stuff. I got a cooler, a lamp, a picture frame and a pepper mill that has been "chef recommended."
[Ray places the large pepper mill down next to a much smaller pepper mill]
Ray: Some new, better things. Oh, and I almost forgot "Debra's Ears." [reads poem] "One on each side, Like a dainty cup, So gently they hold thine sunglasses up. So round and nice, with a subtle ridge, There's no bone in there, it's cartilage."

Quote from Ray

Ray: Did you look under your bed?
Ally: Yes.
Ray: And the rest of your room?
Ally: Yes.
Ray: And the trunk of my car?
Ally: No.
Ray: Well, maybe before you come in here and start going, "Mommy, Daddy, I can't find my things," maybe you should look there. [hands Ally the car keys]
Debra: What were you gonna do, Ray? Dump the doll's body in Jersey?
Ray: I was just gonna take it for a ride. Maybe to come back with a brand-new, better doll. Maybe a black one, unless maybe you have some kinda problem with that.

Quote from Ray

Debra: It's more than that. But if you don't want to tell me why "Karen 1982" still means so much to you, I'm not gonna keep asking.
Ray: Why did she break up with me?
Debra: What?
Ray: That's why I kept the tape for so long. I just wanted to figure it out. Could you listen to the tape? Maybe there's some hidden woman thing I'm not hearing.
Debra: I heard the tape. She doesn't say why she breaks up with you.
Ray: Why doesn't she?
Debra: I wasn't there. What happened?
Ray: I don't know. Things were going good. We had been going out a for couple months, it seemed like she was happy with me. Then I remember we went to see "Tootsie." I liked it, she liked it, we had fun... Next thing I know, "Good bye, forever, Ray." What did I do? People liked "Tootsie," right?
Debra: I liked it.
Ray: See? So what was it? It's like somebody can break up with you at any time for no reason. I just always wanted to know why, you know?

Quote from Debra

Debra: [recording] Hi, Ray. This is Debra. Um, l've been doing some thinking, and these are the reasons why we should break up. You're obsessive, insecure, selfish. You don't always have the best judgment with your children and their dolls... And yet, I'm never gonna leave you, ever, because you happen to be perfect for me. And I love you very much, you stupid, stupid man. Beep!
Ray: That's the best message anybody's ever left me. Still wanna lure me with your sex?

Quote from Ray

Debra: And look at this I found this in there.
Ray: What?
Debra: This tape. It says "Karen 1982" on it.
Ray: I don't know what that is.
Debra: Sounds like something from your college days. Who's "Karen 1982"?
Ray: I don't know, some girl, some nobody from the early '80s. Nobody you have to worry about.
Debra: Here, let's play it.
Ray: No, no, no! You don't play it!
Debra: Relax! I've heard it already.
Ray: What?! You already listened to it? That seems like an invasion of... everything!

Quote from Ray

Ray: [on tape] "Hi, this is Ray. If I'm not here, I'm probably hanging at the quad with my girl, Karen. You know it!" [beep]
Karen: [on tape] "Ray, it's Karen. Listen, there's something I need to say. I wanted to tell you at the Kappa Delta Hoedown, but you were having so much fun playing foosball, so well, I'll just say it. I was thinking that maybe we should start seeing other people and, you know not each other. I'm sorry to kinda break up and everything on the phone, but I didn't wanna... Anyway. Okay, I gotta go. And you should change your outgoing message, okay? Bye."
Ray: I was wondering why she hadn't called.

Quote from Ray

Marie: Why are we yelling?
Ray: Geez, Ma, nobody's yelling.
Marie: Then why am I up here?
Ray: I don't know.
Robert: Hey, what's with the yelling?
Frank: Yeah, what's with the yelling?
Ray: Oh, come on. Could everybody please go?
Marie: Why are you in your underwear?
Ray: Because this is my bedroom!

Quote from Robert

Debra: I'm glad you're all here. Let me ask you something. Do you think it's weird that someone would keep a tape of someone breaking up with them for 20 years?
Robert: "Karen 1982"?
Ray: How the hell do you know about that?
Robert: I came across it one day when I was drawing genitals on your foosball trophies.
Ray: You really are a mental case, you know that?

Quote from Robert

Frank: So this Karen broad dumped you over the phone on a tape? [chuckles]
Marie: You never told me anything about a Karen. How long did you two date?
Ray: I don't know. Like five months.
Marie: You went together five months, and this is how I find out about it?
Ray: Oh, come on, Ma! It was 20 years ago!
Marie: What were you doing with her?
Robert: Nothing that kept her happy.

Quote from Debra

Debra: I keep things, too, but they're they're happy things. You know a letter, pictures. Someone wrote me a poem once.
Ray: Poem? From who? What poem? Who writes you poems?
Debra: A guy I knew in the 10th grade. But it's a happy poem, makes me smile when I read it.
Ray: You still read it?
Debra: Yeah, I have, once or twice. [Marie gasps]
Ray: You never told me about a poem.
Frank: Burn everything, I tell ya!
Marie: Such secrets from your husband.
Debra: I'm not keeping secrets! Ray, I didn't tell you because every time I mention an old boyfriend, you say, "I don't want to hear it." He doesn't want to know about it. Look. Look, this is not unusual. Everybody keeps nice stuff. What they don't keep are breakup tapes. Forget it, just forget it! You know where it's nice? In the basement.

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