Debra: Will you please stop? It turns out Ally doesn't want to know how we get here, she wants to know why we're here, why God put us on Earth. And she's waiting for Ray to answer her.
Frank: What's wrong with you? It's simple.
Ray: Oh, okay. Yeah. We're gonna learn the meaning of life from a guy who once threw his shoe at a swan.
Frank: That's called protecting your sandwich. Listen to me. Here's what life is: you're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. That's it. That's all. Cannoli, Marie!

Frank: Let me ask you something, pal. What have you had, a tough week? Well, I've been living with your mother since... before you were born!
Ray: Debra wouldn't let the twins tell a "knock, knock" joke!
Frank: She's right! "Knock, knock" jokes stink!
Ray: That's not the point! Mom came over with her friends to show how cute the twins are telling a "knock, knock" joke, and Debra couldn't even give her that little of joy!
Frank: Well, who the hell is Marie to come barging in, demanding joy, when Debra's wrestling with the damn kids?
Ray: She didn't have to be so rude!
Frank: Rude is the only thing that gets through to her! How do you think I got the way I am? I used to be a gentleman!

Debra: Look, Robert's scared, you know? He needs to get some help. He's gotta face his fears. If he doesn't, he's not gonna get any better.
Frank: All right, enough. "Face his fears." So he got a little scared. So what? You think I wasn't scared in Korea?
Marie: Oh, God.
Frank: We were all scared. We didn't have shrinks. You know what snapped us out of it? 50,000 screaming Chinamen!
Ray: But, Dad, where's Robert gonna get his hands on 50,000 screaming Chinamen?

Frank: I'll have the brakes checked when I get the taillight fixed.
Debra: The taillight?! Frank! Look at the house.
Frank: I saw it. Look at this. This drywall, it's like paper. Probably foreign-made. On the other hand, say what you want about American cars... Beats a house.

Marie: So that's how you both fell? A race around the house, which you often do as a tradition?
Ray: Uh, yeah.
Frank: Stupid, humped-up termite trap!
[Frank falls through the stairs into the basement]
Marie: Oh, my God! Frank, are you all right?
Frank: [o.s.] Holy crap!
Marie: Don't move, I'm coming right down!
Frank: [o.s.] I'm in enough pain!

Marie: Excuse me, but how do you know the bird couldn't be saved? I mean, you're not a veterinarian.
Pat: No, but I have lived in the country my whole life.
Amy: Mom grew up on a farm.
Frank: I bet the chickens slept with one eye open.

Frank: Can I watch TV now?
Marie: No, Frank.
Frank: Then what the hell are we gonna do all night?
Hank: Less cursing, I hope.
Frank: Who cursed?
Hank: You referred to the antipode of heaven.
Frank: What the hell kind of moon-man talk is that?

Marie: We have no secrets in this family. Keep reading, Frank.
Frank: With pleasure. "Just because we are family, and happen also to be neighbors does not give you the right to constantly interfere in every aspect of my life..." [Frank laughs, covers it with a cough] "...from raising my children to my choice of liquid fabric softener."
Ray: I want you guys to know right now that Debra has a drinking problem.
Marie: Keep reading.
Ray: Come on, Dad.
Frank: Stop it. "I'm sure you don't even realize when you're being overbearing, critical, and intrusive." ls this a petition? Where do I sign?

Debra: No, I think we were all a little bit insensitive.
Ray: Robert's got no sense of humor about himself.
Frank: That's right. You've got to be able to laugh at yourself. Look at me, I laugh at your mother all the time.
Marie: I'm not you, Frank.
Frank: I know. But I'm married to you, so the joke's on me.

Frank: You know, this knob is nothing. I was once so jealous over your mother that I put my fist through a DeSoto.
Ray: You punched a car?
Frank: Yeah. Your mother and I were still dating when she started to turn the screws on me to get engaged. But there was still plenty of fish in the sea, and I wasn't ready to hang up my tackle box. Then I hear through the grapevine she's gonna make dinner for Chuck Pecorella. Long story short, I spent the night in the hospital trying to pull his headlight out of my knuckle.
Ray: You got that way over mom?
Frank: Yeah. I don't know. When your mother cooks, it's something... What do you call it? Special. I didn't want her doing that for some other guy. They stitched up my hand. I went straight to her house and from then on, she cooks only for me.
Ray: Wow. I didn't know that's how it all started. That's a nice story, Dad.
Frank: Yeah, I don't like to tell it 'cause it doesn't have a happy ending.