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‘Humm Vac’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Humm Vac

518. Humm Vac

Aired March 19, 2001

Ray buys a new vacuum cleaner from a door-to-door saleswoman.

Quote from Marie

Marie: I was passing by my window and I couldn't help seeing into your window. And I noticed, you bought a new vacuum.
Debra: It's amazing what this thing picks up, Marie. And no bags!
Ray: No bags!
Marie: I am so glad this worked out.
Debra: What do you mean?
Marie: Well, when the saleslady called me and told me she had the greatest cleaning innovation since the broom, I immediately thought of you.
Debra: You sent her over here?
Marie: Of course!
Ray: I did not know that.
Marie: Well, you two enjoy. I would never want to interfere with housework.

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Quote from Marie

Debra: You know, Marie, something was bothering me and I just wanted to ask you about it.
Marie: Of course, dear. What is it?
Debra: Well, you know this afternoon, when you said that the saleslady told you that she had this great new cleaning device you immediately thought of me. Why was that? [Marie shrugs] No, really, Marie. Why?
Marie: Is this a trick question?
Debra: Uh, no. It just seems like you're always implying that I don't keep a clean house.
Marie: Well, now you have a little help.
Debra: But you didn't feel the need to buy a Humm Vac.
Marie: Well, that machine is for people... It's like if you have a bad leg, then you need crutches.
Debra: And your legs are fine? [Marie points around the room] So there's no dirt in this house?
Marie: Not since I've lived here.

Quote from Debra

Marie: Oh! You brought your new vacuum here. Do you need me to show you how to use it?
Debra: No, I know how to use it. I just want to show you something.
Marie: You're going to vacuum my house?
Debra: You know, my house might appear to be a bit more cluttered than yours. And all right, there's the occasional crumb, dirty dish. I'm not saying there's no dirt. Yeah, there is, but that's every house. Every house has dirt, Marie, even this one. [Debra turns the vacuum cleaner on]
Marie: Well, I must say, I think you're going-
Debra: Excuse me, Marie! This is what we call a high-traffic area.
Marie: You're going against the nap. Did anyone ever teach you about nap?
Debra: Okay. Let's take a look at what we like to refer to as "The Wow Factor."
Marie: That water looks very clean. Wow.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Give me your shoes.
Ray: What? What are you doing?
Debra: Huh, you and the kids were in the sandbox this morning, weren't you?
Ray: Yeah, what? Oh, no, did Parker's cat get in there?
Debra: Come on! I need some dirt! I'm gonna shut your mother up once and for all!
Ray: Are you gonna fill her mouth with dirt?
Debra: No! On the rug. She's gonna see she needs this vacuum like anybody else.
Ray: Ow! Come on, untie it first! Oh, come on! Give me the other one. Oh, no. Damn it, the one day that you're not a pig!
Ray: I think you're getting a little nuts here.
Debra: [unpots plant] It's plastic. It's plastic! Even her dirt's not dirt! You know what it is? It's this stupid vacuum cleaner! [kicks the vacuum cleaner] I told you not to buy it!

Quote from Marie

Marie: Let me tell you something, Raymond. When you boys were little, you were always outside in the dirt. Then you'd tromp through here like it was a bus station. And Robert with his gigantic feet, it was like having a horse in the house. [Ray and Frank laugh] No, it was not funny. No, it was all I could do to take care of this place.
Robert: Hi.
Marie: Take off your shoes!
Robert: Huh?
Marie: Take them off! You're not in a barn.
Frank: Do what she says, we'll give you a carrot.
Robert: What's going on?
Debra: You see, Marie? This is what I'm talking about. You're so obsessed with the house being clean, look what you're doing to your son.
Marie: All right. Fine fine. Put your shoes back on and gallop around here all you want.

Quote from Ray

Debra: What is that?
Ray: This is something that you're gonna love. The Humm Vac Aspirate.
Debra: What? You bought this?
Ray: Yep.
Debra: You heard me tell the lady on the phone that we do not need a vacuum cleaner.
Ray: I know. I know, but it turns out we really do. She showed me all the dirt.
Debra: You let her in here? Wait. Wait a minute. How good looking was this saleslady?
Ray: You know what? She was quite good looking. But I'm not afraid to say that 'cause that's how good this machine is. I would've bought this from an ugly man!

Quote from Ray

Debra: Ray, what are you doing to my pillow?
Ray: Patience, my dear. Look. The Humm Vac has up to 50 times more suction power. It pulls up dust, dead skin, pet dander, what have you, deposits it all into this water reservoir. No bags!
Debra: Okay, listen. You're calling her back and returning it!
Ray: Still skeptical, Mrs. Barone? Well, I don't want to frighten you. But this is what your old vacuum has been missing.
Debra: Wow.
Ray: It's what we call "The Wow Factor." They build it right into the system. This is the filth that your family's been breathing. Now, you just dump it right down the drain.

Quote from Marie

Debra: Hi, Marie.
Marie: Hello, dear.
Debra: Am I interrupting anything?
Marie: Oh, no. I'm just letting Frank's pants out again. It's in God's hands now.

Quote from Marie

Debra: Well, let- Let me just- Let me try under the couch, okay? There we go. [Debra turns the vacuum cleaner on] It can get pretty nasty under here. Okay. Damn it.
Marie: Is it me, or does that water look even cleaner?
Debra: Well, I'm still kinda getting the hang of this, so...
Marie: You have to understand, dear, that vacuums don't clean houses. People clean houses.
Debra: You know, maybe I just didn't have this pushed all the way in, that's it.
Marie: Well, you're welcome to keep going. [chuckles] It's probably good practice.
Frank: [o.s.] Where are my pants, Marie? I'm freezing here!
Marie: Oh, coming, Frank! [to Debra] You've worked up quite a sweat. When I come back, I'll bring you something cool to drink.

Quote from Ray

Debra: No, it's just that this house is so clean and so arranged. It's not exactly the warmest place in the world.
Marie: How could you say that?
Debra: Well, I mean, come on. Plastic slipcovers.
Marie: That's to protect the upholstery.
Debra: Oh, all right. So it protects the upholstery, but how do you think it makes people feel?
Frank: Hot and sticky. Especially in the summer when I'm in my all-together.
Ray: I say, thank the Lord for the slipcovers.

Quote from Ray

Carol: I spoke to your wife last night about coming by to demonstrate our system.
Ray: Oh, right. Yeah, the vacuum. I thought she said we didn't need a new vacuum cleaner. Yeah, she did. I remember, because it was right before she told me I have to go pick up something from somewhere. Oh. You didn't happen to catch any of that, did you?
Carol: Sorry. Yeah, so when we spoke last night, things did seem pretty hectic. So, since I happened to be in the neighborhood, I wondered if now might be a good time to come show you how wonderful the Humm Vac is. And to offer you this complimentary lint brush.
Ray: Yeah, I don't know. My wife says I'm really not supposed-
Robert: Come on, Ray, it's complimentary.

Quote from Robert

Ray: It's too bad my wife isn't here. She's really the vacuumer.
Carol: Well, all I know is if I were married and my husband missed out on a chance to make my life 50-75% easier, well, I might be a little annoyed.
Robert: So, there's no Mr. Humm Vac? Pretzel?

Quote from Ray

Debra: You are such a sucker.
Ray: A sucker for a great product! You her that? You hear that hum? That's a fully-insulated, four horsepower motor. That, madame, is the sound of clean! "Is it versatile?" you ask. Check this out. I did this whole section in 30 seconds. Crevice attachment, boom! Done!
Warren: All right, look, that's very nice.
Ray: Wait a minute! Watch this. You're not gonna believe this. These pillows seem clean enough to the naked eye! In a regular vacuum, there's not enough suction power to pick up all the dirt that the beater bar kicks up.
Debra: Ray, turn it off. I vacuumed there yesterday.
Ray: You could have vacuumed five times yesterday with your old vacuum.

Quote from Ray

Debra: That is pretty amazing.
Ray: Yeah. Now, I'll show you how to do the drapes.
Debra: You're gonna do the drapes?!
Ray: No, no, silly, the Humm Vac's gonna do the drapes. I'm just gonna take the credit.
Debra: I have never been more attracted to you in my entire life.
Ray: Wanna try?
Debra: Okay.
Ray: Your first time. I envy you.

Quote from Debra

Frank: Hey! What's with all the yelling?
Marie: I don't think Debra could find any dirt.
Debra: Okay, all right, there's no dirt here, you win! But I am sick of you making me feel like a bad person because I don't keep my house exactly the way you do! A clean house is not the most important thing in the world.
Marie: [to Frank] You know who says that? A messy person.
Debra: All right. As hard as this is for you to believe, Marie, I do like to keep a neat house. I'm just not going to spend every spare minute cleaning it!
Marie: There are no spare minutes. You have a family to care for. That's what you do.
Debra: Yes, I do! I care for my family. I spend my time enjoying them, not sterilizing them.

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