Marie: I was passing by my window and I couldn't help seeing into your window. And I noticed, you bought a new vacuum.
Debra: It's amazing what this thing picks up, Marie. And no bags!
Ray: No bags!
Marie: I am so glad this worked out.
Debra: What do you mean?
Marie: Well, when the saleslady called me and told me she had the greatest cleaning innovation since the broom, I immediately thought of you.
Debra: You sent her over here?
Marie: Of course!
Ray: I did not know that.
Marie: Well, you two enjoy. I would never want to interfere with housework.

Debra: You know, Marie, something was bothering me and I just wanted to ask you about it.
Marie: Of course, dear. What is it?
Debra: Well, you know this afternoon, when you said that the saleslady told you that she had this great new cleaning device you immediately thought of me. Why was that? [Marie shrugs] No, really, Marie. Why?
Marie: Is this a trick question?
Debra: Uh, no. It just seems like you're always implying that I don't keep a clean house.
Marie: Well, now you have a little help.
Debra: But you didn't feel the need to buy a Humm Vac.
Marie: Well, that machine is for people... It's like if you have a bad leg, then you need crutches.
Debra: And your legs are fine? [Marie points around the room] So there's no dirt in this house?
Marie: Not since I've lived here.

Marie: Oh! You brought your new vacuum here. Do you need me to show you how to use it?
Debra: No, I know how to use it. I just want to show you something.
Marie: You're going to vacuum my house?
Debra: You know, my house might appear to be a bit more cluttered than yours. And all right, there's the occasional crumb, dirty dish. I'm not saying there's no dirt. Yeah, there is, but that's every house. Every house has dirt, Marie, even this one. [Debra turns the vacuum cleaner on]
Marie: Well, I must say, I think you're going-
Debra: Excuse me, Marie! This is what we call a high-traffic area.
Marie: You're going against the nap. Did anyone ever teach you about nap?
Debra: Okay. Let's take a look at what we like to refer to as "The Wow Factor."
Marie: That water looks very clean. Wow.

Debra: Give me your shoes.
Ray: What? What are you doing?
Debra: Huh, you and the kids were in the sandbox this morning, weren't you?
Ray: Yeah, what? Oh, no, did Parker's cat get in there?
Debra: Come on! I need some dirt! I'm gonna shut your mother up once and for all!
Ray: Are you gonna fill her mouth with dirt?
Debra: No! On the rug. She's gonna see she needs this vacuum like anybody else.
Ray: Ow! Come on, untie it first! Oh, come on! Give me the other one. Oh, no. Damn it, the one day that you're not a pig!
Ray: I think you're getting a little nuts here.
Debra: [unpots plant] It's plastic. It's plastic! Even her dirt's not dirt! You know what it is? It's this stupid vacuum cleaner! [kicks the vacuum cleaner] I told you not to buy it!

Marie: Let me tell you something, Raymond. When you boys were little, you were always outside in the dirt. Then you'd tromp through here like it was a bus station. And Robert with his gigantic feet, it was like having a horse in the house. [Ray and Frank laugh] No, it was not funny. No, it was all I could do to take care of this place.
Robert: Hi.
Marie: Take off your shoes!
Robert: Huh?
Marie: Take them off! You're not in a barn.
Frank: Do what she says, we'll give you a carrot.
Robert: What's going on?
Debra: You see, Marie? This is what I'm talking about. You're so obsessed with the house being clean, look what you're doing to your son.
Marie: All right. Fine fine. Put your shoes back on and gallop around here all you want.

Debra: What is that?
Ray: This is something that you're gonna love. The Humm Vac Aspirate.
Debra: What? You bought this?
Ray: Yep.
Debra: You heard me tell the lady on the phone that we do not need a vacuum cleaner.
Ray: I know. I know, but it turns out we really do. She showed me all the dirt.
Debra: You let her in here? Wait. Wait a minute. How good looking was this saleslady?
Ray: You know what? She was quite good looking. But I'm not afraid to say that 'cause that's how good this machine is. I would've bought this from an ugly man!

Debra: Ray, what are you doing to my pillow?
Ray: Patience, my dear. Look. The Humm Vac has up to 50 times more suction power. It pulls up dust, dead skin, pet dander, what have you, deposits it all into this water reservoir. No bags!
Debra: Okay, listen. You're calling her back and returning it!
Ray: Still skeptical, Mrs. Barone? Well, I don't want to frighten you. But this is what your old vacuum has been missing.
Debra: Wow.
Ray: It's what we call "The Wow Factor." They build it right into the system. This is the filth that your family's been breathing. Now, you just dump it right down the drain.

Debra: Hi, Marie.
Marie: Hello, dear.
Debra: Am I interrupting anything?
Marie: Oh, no. I'm just letting Frank's pants out again. It's in God's hands now.

Debra: Well, let- Let me just- Let me try under the couch, okay? There we go. [Debra turns the vacuum cleaner on] It can get pretty nasty under here. Okay. Damn it.
Marie: Is it me, or does that water look even cleaner?
Debra: Well, I'm still kinda getting the hang of this, so...
Marie: You have to understand, dear, that vacuums don't clean houses. People clean houses.
Debra: You know, maybe I just didn't have this pushed all the way in, that's it.
Marie: Well, you're welcome to keep going. [chuckles] It's probably good practice.
Frank: [o.s.] Where are my pants, Marie? I'm freezing here!
Marie: Oh, coming, Frank! [to Debra] You've worked up quite a sweat. When I come back, I'll bring you something cool to drink.

Debra: No, it's just that this house is so clean and so arranged. It's not exactly the warmest place in the world.
Marie: How could you say that?
Debra: Well, I mean, come on. Plastic slipcovers.
Marie: That's to protect the upholstery.
Debra: Oh, all right. So it protects the upholstery, but how do you think it makes people feel?
Frank: Hot and sticky. Especially in the summer when I'm in my all-together.
Ray: I say, thank the Lord for the slipcovers.