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Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert's Divorce

424. Robert's Divorce

Aired May 22, 2000

Robert and his family run into his ex-wife, Joanne (guest star Suzie Plakson), at a restaurant, bringing back memories of their break-up.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Where's the guy with the water already? I'm dying here.
Marie: Good. Before you go, would you make a toast?
Frank: Okay. Here's to water. The earth is covered with it. Where the hell is my share?

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Quote from Frank

Amy: Oh my God, so that's Robert's ex-wife?
Debra: Yep, the infamous Joanne.
Marie: [spits]
Ray: Mom, stuff's coming out!
Frank: I almost didn't recognize her without her broomstick and flying monkeys.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Let's see, we had just moved in across the street from my parents, right?
Debra: I don't remember. I've blocked that out.

Quote from Debra

[flashback:]
Debra: You know what I liked best about that movie? We had to leave our house to see it. This is the first movie we've seen since we had the twins!
Ray: Hey, you're the one whose egg divided.
Debra: And you know what? Your mother told me they would babysit the kids whenever we wanted. It is just so great that we moved across the street from them.

Quote from Robert

[flashback:]
Joanne: What are you doing? What are you doing? You're supposed to be studying for your sergeant's exam! How are we ever gonna afford anything nice if this is how you study!?
Robert: I'm taking a cartoon break and eating a banana!
Joanne: That's great! You're gonna put it off till the last minute, and then guess what? You'll be watching cartoons full time and coming to me for banana money! [doorbell rings] [o.s.] Hey, you think you can asnwer the door?
Ray: Hey.
Robert: Hey. What do you want?
Ray: Um, well, I wanted to come by and apologize for everybody yesterday.
Robert: Let me tell you something, none of you know her the way I do.
Ray: Yeah, yeah, I know, chemistry. But, um, I gotta tell you, I did just kinda overhear about the banana money.

Quote from Robert

[flashback:]
Joanne: Bobby didn't tell me you were coming over.
Ray: That's 'cause Bobby didn't even know. You know, it's a surprise.
Joanne: Well, you know how we love it when you come over, Ray, but Bobby's got a lot of studying to do, and you know, you are not the best influence on him.
Ray: Oh, okay. All right, I'm sorry.
Robert: Ray, wait. Don't talk to him like that.
Joanne: Excuse me?
Ray: It's okay.
Robert: No, no, it's not okay. I want you to apologize to Raymond.
Joanne: Apologize for what?
Robert: For what you just said to him, and for all the mean things you've ever said about him.
Ray: She says mean things about me?
Robert: Oh, sure, sure. She's sweet to your face, but as soon as you leave she talks about how your voice sounds like a wounded cow. Or how when you run, it looks like you're trying to hold a pencil between your cheeks.

Quote from Marie

[flashback:]
Marie: Joanne dumped you? Joanne dumped you? [turns to Joanne] You! You! You never appreciated my Robby!
Ray: I could use a sweater.
Marie: You never loved him for the decent delightful boy he is! You never realized how lucky you are to be a part of this wonderful family. I have held my tongue for two years, and I have given you every benefit of the doubt. That's the kind of person I am!
Joanne: The kind of person you are? You are an angry, pushy, manipulative bitch.
Marie: Oh! Oh, you!
Ray: No, Ma, stop it!
Marie: You monster, you!
Ray: She didn't mean it.
Marie: No, you're not a monster, you're a creature!
Ray: I'm not the one being restrained right now.
Marie: And I'm not the one who danced topless in Atlantic City! That's right. I know all about you, Cinnamon. But as long as my son seemed happy, I decided to let him live in blissful ignorance.

Quote from Marie

[flashback:]
Robert: I knew she was a showgirl, Ma.
Marie: You knew?!
Robert: Yes.
Marie: You knew this and you still married her?!
Ray: You didn't tell me?! Could have saved money on the bachelor party.
Marie: Oh, come on, enough enough! I don't want to hear this kind of thing anymore! Someone has to protect this family, and I'm through sitting idly by! And as for you, nobody dumps my son! You think you're dumping my son?
Joanne: Okay, let's calm down.
Marie: Well, let me tell you something my son is dumping you! That's right! It's time to take out the trash! [slams door on Joanne]

Quote from Ray

[flashback:]
Marie: You knew she was a showgirl?! Raymond, I hope you're not keeping this kind of a secret about Debra.
Ray: You mean "Peppermint"?
Marie: I don't like that, Raymond. Thank God I live across the street from you.

Quote from Frank

Robert: She went back to her maiden name. Glotz.
Frank: Cinnamon Glotz?!
Robert: Joanne, Joanne Glotz. Biggest mistake of my life.
Frank: It could be worse, Robert. Some mistakes last 43 years. [puts his arm around Marie]

Quote from Ray

[flashback:]
Robert: Three minutes ago I was watching cartoons and eating a banana. She still there?
Ray: No. What's scary is, I think I just saw a bat fly away.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Thank you. This is a very special night for me. I finally feel like I've put my bull wound behind me. I said, "behind me." [laughter]
Debra: Oh, I got it.
Robert: No, but I gotta tell you, it's been a tough few months getting back on my feet, and now that I have Amy at my side again, and I'm back doing the job that I love, I've never felt better. And also I think I have gotten over my anxiety vis-a-vis public restrooms, so if you'll excuse me, I shall return presently.

Quote from Frank

Debra: Oh my God.
Marie: It's that awful woman!
Ray: That's definitely her, right?
Frank: It's her!
Amy: Who?
Ray: That's Joanne, Robert's ex-wife.
Marie: [spits]
Frank: What the hell? She's got water!

Quote from Robert

[flashback:]
Robert: No no, I'm serious. I'm putting that movie in my top five all-time.
Ray: Any movie with a cop or a dog in it goes into your top five.
Robert: And this one had both! Hey, remember when the dog cleaned himself in front of the mayor?
Ray: That was funny. I'll give you that one.

Quote from Robert

[flashback:]
Joanne: How was the movie?
Robert: Oh, I'm telling you, I wish you'd come with us. I really liked it. I'm thinking of putting it in my top five.
Joanne: Really? Because the preview looked kind of stupid.
Robert: You know now that I think about it, the dog drove a car, what is that?
Joanne: That's why we can never see movies together. We have the exact opposite taste in movies, books... Stop! Music, TV shows. He likes the kind of thing where someone steps on a rake.
Ray: [laughs] This movie had that too.
Robert: Yeah, yeah, it's funny.
[Ray puts his feet on the table and instantly removes them when Joanne looks]
Joanne: Oh, no, no, no. You can put your feet on our furniture.
Ray: That's all right, I'm good right here.
Joanne: No, really, it's okay. Until Robert gets a raise, we are blessed with your parents' old stuff. If you get really close, you can still smell Frank's feet.
Debra: I'll pass.

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