Robert: All right, really, what's going on here?
Debra: Nothing, we're just trying to be a little bit nicer to each other.
Frank: Nice? I tried it once. Didn't care for it.
Marie: Did the same thing happen with smart?

Debra: Oh, you know what? One more thing. I was just thinking that we could not interrupt each other when we're on the phone. Okay?
Ray: Right. Or, like if we're on the phone and I ask for something we could take the time to say, "Hold on, please." And tell me where it is in the same amount of time that it would take to say, "I'm on the phone." Just like that. Do that.
Debra: Okay. Or like when we're having a baby together and I'm in labor, you can maybe help me to the car instead of looking for magazines you want to flip through while you're at the hospital.

Frank: Aw, cut the crap! You're playing with fire here. You gotta let steam off on each other. Because if you let it off on a stranger he gets mad. He punches you. You punch him. He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. Guys jump in, war starts. It's a mess. The spouse is the perfect escape valve.
Marie: He read that at our wedding.

Frank: Hey, Ray, how come you're not watching the game?
Robert: What game?
Frank: You've got the dish. Somebody's hitting something somewhere.

Ray: Well, this is silly. We don't both need to be here. Maybe one of us should, I don't know, go home and watch the ballgame.
Debra: I don't think you wanna go yet. You're gonna miss the award ceremony.
Ray: Huh?
Debra: Yeah. And the winner for best performance as a husband goes to... Ray Barone for "Mr. Fantastic visits a Park." Yay!
Ray: I have nothing prepared.

Frank: You want books? They're all yours.
Robert: Nothing Dad likes better than getting rid of knowledge.

Debra: We could all be a little nicer to each other. I mean, doesn't your own family deserve the best of you?
Marie: You know, I think Debra's right. You have to be kind. That's how I try to spend my life. Kindness. That's always been my motto.
Frank: Hmm. That's a slightly different motto than ba-ba-ba-ba-bah!
Marie: So kindness isn't just what you say. Sometimes it's what you don't say. It's like, for instance, most of my friends, they do nothing but criticize their daughters-in-law. Me, no. I hold my tongue. Because restraint is important. Right, dear?
Debra: Yes.

Robert: Well, listen, I didn't want to get involved in your little experiment here. But actually I think Dad has a good point.
Debra: Oh, you can't possibly think that's healthy.
Robert: Wait, let me finish. There is such a thing as too nice.
Debra: Not to me.
Robert: Take it from the divorced man. You know, I was nice to Joanne every single day of our marriage. I was nice right up to the day she walked out on me. I carried her bags out to the car. I still even send her a birthday card. And do you know what I got for it? Spastic colon. Make of it what you will. Good night.

Marie: Frank, you took all my books. Where are all my books?
Frank: You never look at those.
Marie: Oh! My high-school yearbook, Frank? I want this.
Frank: Well, I don't want it in the house. It's depressing.
Marie: What are you talking about? I look beautiful in those pictures.
Frank: That's what's depressing.

Debra: [on the phone] Well, of course she has time to work out. She's only got one kid.
Ray: [interrupting] Where's the paper?
Debra: Give her a pair of twins and then let's see her body.
Ray: Debra, where's the paper?
Debra: I don't know. [on the phone] Yeah, yeah. Put her in a bikini. There you go.
Ray: You brought the paper in. Where did you put it?
Debra: Honey, I'm on the phone. [on the phone] You know what? I saw a bathing suit that would be perfect for you.
Ray: Could you point to the paper?
Debra: Would you stop? I'm on the phone.
Ray: In the time it took you to say that you can tell me where the paper is.
Debra: [on the phone] Yeah, it's just my husband.
Ray: Well, who's that?
Debra: It's Jason's mom from school.
Ray: You don't even know her name. Tell me her name.
Debra: Shh! [on the phone] Yeah, I have the catalog here somewhere.
Ray: So you're looking for something for somebody you don't even know. Where's my paper?!
Debra: I've got the catalog. I'll give it to you when I see you at the book fair. Okay, bye-bye. [hangs up] God! You are impossible! I can't talk on the phone for two minutes without you interrupting me.