Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Kicker’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Kicker

611. The Kicker

Aired December 10, 2001

Frank is at the center of a media storm after he catches a record-setting ball at a football game and refuses to give it back.

Quote from Frank

Robert: Well, we had seats behind the end zone, and Dad got lucky.
Frank: Luck is the residue of design.
Ray: What?
Frank: Shut up. You should've seen it. It was a rocket. I got my hands ready for it.
Robert: By dumping his nachos somewhere.
Frank: It came towards me everyone was trying to get their mitts on it, but I put the moves on all of them. I jumped over a guy.
Robert: You pushed a kid outta the way.
Frank: I jumped over a guy. It was coming in high, I had to stretch for it. I could get only one hand on it, but that was enough. I brought that piggy right down into my chest. "Hello, little piggy."
Robert: And then he went, "Whee-whee-whee," all the way home.
Frank: It was the biggest moment ever in Hofstra history, and I have it. You should have heard the crowd chanting for me.
Robert: "Give it back, jerk! Give it back, jerk!"
Frank: And booing.


Quote from Frank

Frank: Come on, Robert.
Robert: Where are we going?
Frank: To the lodge to tell the story. You go in before me and build me up. I don't like to toot my own horn.
Robert: No, no, I'm not comfortable with that.
Frank: Oh, yeah? How was living in my house for 40 years? Was that comfortable?
Robert: All right, all right.
Frank: I believe you were comfortable eating my food, watching my TV, wearing the springs out of my furniture with your two-ton rump.
Robert: All right!

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh, Debra, I need my big spoon back. I'm making cakes.
Debra: Oh, sure. For the bake sale?
Marie: For the bake sale? Let's be honest, my cakes are the bake sale.
Debra: I'm making cupcakes this year.
Marie: Oh, I think that's sweet, you're trying to help. I wouldn't make too many. Okay, that's it. I just needed my big spoon. Thanks. Back to baking. Oh, and I'm gonna send your father over. Okay, goodbye.
Debra: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Ray: W- Why is he comin' over here?
Marie: Because I have to concentrate and I can't have him there.
Debra: Well, I don't want him here. Yesterday, he was showin' the kids how to burp out a candle.
Marie: That's why I want him out. I'm working with food. It's a matter of public health.

Quote from Frank

Robert: "Go with Dad to the game." Why do you hate me?
Debra: What's on your shirt?
Robert: Nacho cheese.
Frank: [o.s.] My introduction, please.
Robert: You wanna see what you did?
Frank: [o.s.] Just introduce me!
Robert: Lynn Swann, Jerry Rice, and now Frank Barone.
[Frank enters holding a football]
Ray: What you bought a football?
Frank: No bought. Caught. Robert.
Robert: Look, I did your intro, Dad. I'm done.
Frank: Hey, you were a witness to glory. History demands your testimony.

Quote from Robert

Ray: Wait, Dad, Dad. Hofstra's gotta want that ball back.
Frank: You bet your ass they do. I had to put the razzle-dazzle on a couple of mooks just to get out of the stands.
Debra: Frank, that's a record for the school. You know it's not right to keep that, don't you?
Robert: Don't bother, Deb. His soul was removed to make room for more stomach.

Quote from Frank

Debra: A fan is supposed to do what's best for the team.
Frank: That's what's so great about this. I'm not a fan. Those kids stink. Except for the kicker. "Thanks, pal!"
Robert: Charming, no?
Ray: Dad, I'd give the ball back.
Frank: Then it's a good thing you didn't catch it.

Quote from Debra

Robert: Where's the radio? Where's the radio?!
Ray: What, what? What's going on?
Robert: I heard it driving over. They're talking about Dad.
Marie: Who is?
Robert: The sports show!
Ray: Oh, no!
Man: [on radio] You wanna know what that guy is? I'll tell ya, he's a jackass.
Debra: [gasps] They are talking about him.

Quote from Frank

Man: [on radio] Man, you should've seen this guy. Bulldozes a kid gettin' the ball, then he hightails out of there with some big goon.
Robert: Hey, he was my ride!
Marie: This is embarrassing. It never ends with your father.
Host: [on radio] Boy, hot topic. Lines are lit up. Let's go to Frank in Lynbrook.
Frank: [on radio] Yeah, this is the jackass. I caught that ball, and anybody who doesn't like it can kiss me between the back pockets.

Quote from Marie

Host: [on radio] So, Dave on line one, what do you think?
Man: [on radio] What do I think? I think this Frank deserves to be kicked 68 yards.
Marie: Finally, a voice of reason.

Quote from Frank

Host: [on radio] All right, we got to take a quick break. Frank, we got a whole bunch of callers who want to talk to you can you stay with us?
Frank: [on radio] I'd love to, but I gotta hit the head, and the cord won't reach that far.
Host: [on radio] And on that lovely note, we'll be right back.

Quote from Marie

Robert: Hey, Deb, I'm really sorry.
Marie: I managed to throw the ball very well.
Robert: Well, I thought Ray was cuttin' back toward the window.
Debra: A closed window?
Robert: Well, I couldn't tell it was closed. The glass looked very clean.
Marie: All right, nobody believes you anymore, Robert.

Quote from Marie

Ray: Oh, hey, listen. I think I got somethin' here that's gonna take care of Dad.
Marie: Are those the papers to have him committed?

Quote from Ray

Ray: You know what? I don't care what you think. People have to know that I am not like him.
Debra: Oh, really? Okay, 'cause I thought this was about getting the ball back, but if you just want to clear your name, then this will do it. You should definitely publish it then.
Ray: Don't try and pull that "tell me to do it so I don't do it" flippity-floo, okay? I'm gonna do it. You think this is gonna stop me? All I need is a piece of tape. No, I can just print it up again. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Hey, you know what? I'm going to make it even stronger. There's stuff that I left out. That's the power of the press, people. And don't any of you try to stop me, or I'll write somethin' about you.

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode