Robert: Well, we had seats behind the end zone, and Dad got lucky.
Frank: Luck is the residue of design.
Ray: What?
Frank: Shut up. You should've seen it. It was a rocket. I got my hands ready for it.
Robert: By dumping his nachos somewhere.
Frank: It came towards me everyone was trying to get their mitts on it, but I put the moves on all of them. I jumped over a guy.
Robert: You pushed a kid outta the way.
Frank: I jumped over a guy. It was coming in high, I had to stretch for it. I could get only one hand on it, but that was enough. I brought that piggy right down into my chest. "Hello, little piggy."
Robert: And then he went, "Whee-whee-whee," all the way home.
Frank: It was the biggest moment ever in Hofstra history, and I have it. You should have heard the crowd chanting for me.
Robert: "Give it back, jerk! Give it back, jerk!"
Frank: And booing.

Frank: Come on, Robert.
Robert: Where are we going?
Frank: To the lodge to tell the story. You go in before me and build me up. I don't like to toot my own horn.
Robert: No, no, I'm not comfortable with that.
Frank: Oh, yeah? How was living in my house for 40 years? Was that comfortable?
Robert: All right, all right.
Frank: I believe you were comfortable eating my food, watching my TV, wearing the springs out of my furniture with your two-ton rump.
Robert: All right!

Marie: Oh, Debra, I need my big spoon back. I'm making cakes.
Debra: Oh, sure. For the bake sale?
Marie: For the bake sale? Let's be honest, my cakes are the bake sale.
Debra: I'm making cupcakes this year.
Marie: Oh, I think that's sweet, you're trying to help. I wouldn't make too many. Okay, that's it. I just needed my big spoon. Thanks. Back to baking. Oh, and I'm gonna send your father over. Okay, goodbye.
Debra: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Ray: W- Why is he comin' over here?
Marie: Because I have to concentrate and I can't have him there.
Debra: Well, I don't want him here. Yesterday, he was showin' the kids how to burp out a candle.
Marie: That's why I want him out. I'm working with food. It's a matter of public health.

Robert: "Go with Dad to the game." Why do you hate me?
Debra: What's on your shirt?
Robert: Nacho cheese.
Frank: [o.s.] My introduction, please.
Robert: You wanna see what you did?
Frank: [o.s.] Just introduce me!
Robert: Lynn Swann, Jerry Rice, and now Frank Barone.
[Frank enters holding a football]
Ray: What you bought a football?
Frank: No bought. Caught. Robert.
Robert: Look, I did your intro, Dad. I'm done.
Frank: Hey, you were a witness to glory. History demands your testimony.

Ray: Wait, Dad, Dad. Hofstra's gotta want that ball back.
Frank: You bet your ass they do. I had to put the razzle-dazzle on a couple of mooks just to get out of the stands.
Debra: Frank, that's a record for the school. You know it's not right to keep that, don't you?
Robert: Don't bother, Deb. His soul was removed to make room for more stomach.

Debra: A fan is supposed to do what's best for the team.
Frank: That's what's so great about this. I'm not a fan. Those kids stink. Except for the kicker. "Thanks, pal!"
Robert: Charming, no?
Ray: Dad, I'd give the ball back.
Frank: Then it's a good thing you didn't catch it.

Robert: Where's the radio? Where's the radio?!
Ray: What, what? What's going on?
Robert: I heard it driving over. They're talking about Dad.
Marie: Who is?
Robert: The sports show!
Ray: Oh, no!
Man: [on radio] You wanna know what that guy is? I'll tell ya, he's a jackass.
Debra: [gasps] They are talking about him.

Man: [on radio] Man, you should've seen this guy. Bulldozes a kid gettin' the ball, then he hightails out of there with some big goon.
Robert: Hey, he was my ride!
Marie: This is embarrassing. It never ends with your father.
Host: [on radio] Boy, hot topic. Lines are lit up. Let's go to Frank in Lynbrook.
Frank: [on radio] Yeah, this is the jackass. I caught that ball, and anybody who doesn't like it can kiss me between the back pockets.

Host: [on radio] So, Dave on line one, what do you think?
Man: [on radio] What do I think? I think this Frank deserves to be kicked 68 yards.
Marie: Finally, a voice of reason.

Host: [on radio] All right, we got to take a quick break. Frank, we got a whole bunch of callers who want to talk to you can you stay with us?
Frank: [on radio] I'd love to, but I gotta hit the head, and the cord won't reach that far.
Host: [on radio] And on that lovely note, we'll be right back.