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‘Ray Home Alone’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Ray Home Alone

318. Ray Home Alone

Aired February 22, 1999

Ray has trouble sleeping when he's left home alone after Debra takes the kids to her parents' house.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Personally, I like leprechauns.
Ray: What?
Frank: Leprechauns. Cute harmless little Irish guys. And whenever I'd tell you guys a story, I'd throw in a couple of leprechauns to scare the bejesus outta you. [Irish accent] Hey, Ray? How did I know little Raymond was afraid of leprechauns?
Ray: I don't know.
Frank: Any ideas, Robert?
Robert: Oh, Dad, don't start pointing fingers, okay? That's not gonna work. Right, Ray?
Ray: That's right. How did he know about the leprechauns?
Robert: I don't know. It wasn't me. Maybe it was Ma.
Marie: I don't know anything about that. All I know is I couldn't serve you Lucky Charms.
Frank: [giggles; Irish accent] He was me little spy.

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Quote from Ray

Debra: What are you doing?
Ray: Oh, I never remember where I get these black and blue marks. It freaks me out.
Debra: So you're starting a bruise journal?
Ray: Yeah, yeah. I just hurt myself. "Shin on toilet. Light to medium impact."
Debra: Maybe I shouldn't leave you alone here for the weekend.
Ray: No, no, no. Come on. The kids- Kids have to see their other grandparents. We can't have them growing up thinking what's across the street is normal, right?

Quote from Marie

Marie: What are you talking about?
Robert: Ray's scared.
Ray: Hey, you're the one who's scared!
Marie: What do you mean? You sick? You in trouble? Someone bullying you?
Robert: No, Ma.
Marie: Then what is it? What are you scared of?
Robert: Being alone.
Marie: You mean for the rest of your life?
Robert: No, but thanks for bringing up that possibility.

Quote from Robert

Ray: You told him!
Robert: Oh, all right. Yes, I did. I told him.
Marie: Robert! Why would you do that?
Robert: I liked when he told us the stories but I didn't want to get scared. And I had no problem with leprechauns.
Ray: Oh, great! So you could sleep and I could stay up all night waiting for those little monsters to come and take me to their nest.
Robert: Nest?
Ray: That's right, nest!
Robert: Listen, I'm sorry, okay? Don't think I didn't hate myself for it. Don't forget. At that time I thought you might be half-spider.

Quote from Ray

Robert: You know in those days when I was running information to Dad, I think the guilt was the cause of my occasional bedwetting.
Ray: All right, look, whatever. It was a long time ago.
Robert: Yeah, but it was wrong. We were suppose to stick together, right? I mean, we're brothers. Brothers do those kind of things. Not good ones.
Ray: All right, listen! I gotta tell you something! You never wet your bed. I used to... I used to wait until you fell asleep and then I'd pour a glass of water in there with you.
Robert: What?!
Marie: What?! [Frank chuckles]
Ray: Well, I... I didn't want to always look like a baby, you know? Calling for Mom when I was scared. I knew that she would come if you wet your bed.
Marie: I always wondered why I was up by your shoulders.

Quote from Ray

Kevin: Can I ask you guys something? When was the last time you cried?
Gianni: What do you mean? About sports?
Kevin: No, something real. I mean really cried.
Gianni: So nothing with sports?
Kevin: No, no. Like last week I was watching "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids." The guy was looking for his shrunken kids and I cried 'cause I didn't think my father would come looking for me.
Gianni: It wouldn't be hard to find you.
Andy: Yeah, you just look under the cookie that's moving across the floor.
Ray: No, no, no. No, guys. I know what he's talking about with the crying thing. The other day, I dropped my twins off at pre-school and I was watching them go in, you know? And just as the door was closing, I saw Michael take Geoffrey's hand and I don't know...

Quote from Robert

Robert: What the hell is wrong with you?
Ray: What? I just wanted to hang out. I didn't know I'd be walking in on "Beauty and the Beast".

Quote from Ray

Robert: Ray, it's me you're talking to. We used to share a bedroom. You get scared.
Ray: What? You don't know what you're talking about. I do not.
Robert: Yeah? Remember how long you had to keep the Popeye nightlight, scardey-pooh?
Ray: Yeah, well, until Popeye came along you had to keep the hallway light on.
Robert: Only after one of Dad's bedtime stories.
Ray: Which was every night.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Listen to your big brother. Okay? Watch some TV. Discovery Channel, cubby. Nature will put you right out.
Ray: Yeah, yeah. Unless it's about monkeys, right?
Robert: What's that suppose to mean?
Ray: Nothing. I just, uh, I remember a particular shoetree in your closet that had a shadow...
Robert: All right!
Ray: ...that you thought looked like a monkey holding an axe.
Robert: Hey, listen, I was 10 years old and my shoetrees were big.
Ray: Pointy holes and an axe.
Robert: Yeah, I'm over it now, Raymond!
Ray: Oh, yeah? Got any shoetrees in your closet? [grunts like a chimp]
Robert: It's none of your business and it's time for you to go. All right, get outta here!
Ray: This place is stupid.
Robert: Yeah. Oh, and, uh, good luck in that big, dark house you're gonna be all alone in. Or are you?

Quote from Robert

Ray: So, what are you doing still awake?
Marie: I'm making tea for Robert.
Ray: Robert?
Marie: Yeah. They fumigated his apartment today and he can't go back home until tomorrow.
Ray: Oh, really?
Marie: Yes. He said they had army ants.
Ray: Army ants.
Robert: Well, what are you doing over here?
Ray: Hey, I just had to walk across the street. You had to drive here, Officer Barone.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Hey, you're the one who came over to my place tonight.
Ray: Yes, and there were no army ants.
Robert: [mimicking Ray] "Oh, my house is empty. Debra's gone! Oh, no! I'm frightened."
Ray: Shut up, ass of the world!
Robert: You shut up, schmuck of the whole neighborhood!
Ray: That's smaller, you idiot!
Robert: I know it's smaller!
Marie: Stop, stop, stop! Stop! [Raymond grunts like a chimp] Raymond, your brother is not a monkey.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Hey, you're the one who started the whole thing.
Frank: Well, what the hell's that suppose to mean?
Ray: Oh, you don't remember the stories? Gargoyles in our closet? Or a big brother who's just waiting for me to fall asleep so he can steal my brain?
Robert: Or a little brother who's half-spider?
Frank: [chuckles] Half-spider.
Ray: Yeah, very funny, Dad.
Frank: Give me a break! You asked for them. "Scare us, Daddy. Tell us a scary story." We also asked to drive the car. You know? I mean, you should know better. You scared the hell out of us. We couldn't sleep.
Robert: Yeah, couple of times we even wet our beds.
Ray: I never did that.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh, Frank! Look what you did to them!
Frank: Don't give me that, Marie! You loved it when I scared them! Then they'd come running to you and you could hug and cuddle and slobber all over them.
Ray: Hey, that was nice. That's an actual good memory I have. She'd calm us down.
Robert: Yeah. She use to scratch my head. That helped.
Marie: [scratching Robert's head] I didn't like seeing my boys scared.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Sorry. Look, I was six! I was under a lot of pressure.
Marie: Oh, you just did that, Raymond, 'cause you wanted to be near your mommy.
Frank: Well ain't this a kick in the ass? Everyone was so quick to blame me for all of this, but look at you. You've all got blood on your hands. Now I'm going back to bed and I'm gonna sleep the sleep of the just.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Good night, boys. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. Not that there are bedbugs. You're perfectly safe. But make sure you lock your door.
Ray: Got it, Ma!
Marie: Because in the neighborhood...
Ray: Yeah, we know!

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