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‘Somebody Hates Raymond’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: Somebody Hates Raymond

713. Somebody Hates Raymond

Aired January 27, 2003

Ray just can't get over the fact that a radio presenter, Jerry Musso, doesn't like him.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Don't listen to him, Raymond. You and I are not like him.
Frank: What are you talking about? You hate plenty of people.
Marie: I do not hate people, Frank.
Frank: Oh, yeah? What about my mother? You hated her like poison.
Marie: First of all, I did not hate her. I felt sorry for her.
Frank: What about Harriet Lichtman?
Marie: I find Harriet Lichtman's flirtatious behavior towards you distasteful, but I do not hate that slut.

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Quote from Frank

Ray: You know, the thing is, I don't hate him. I don't hate anybody.
Marie: Yes. That's one of your wonderful qualities. You got that from me.
Frank: Can I get an iced tea from you?
Marie: Your father, on the other hand, hates everybody.
Frank: That's not true. There's only some people I hate. The rest I tolerate.
Marie: Be quiet.
Frank: Careful, Marie. You're right on the fence.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Hold it right there, you little twerp.
Jerry Musso: Who are you?
Robert: Who am I? I'm someone who can crush you into a fine powder, that's who I am. Now, Ray Barone has more talent in the weird pimple on his neck that won't go away than you have in your entire body, you oily, two-faced hack. You only wish you could be Ray Barone because you'll never come close to him as a writer, as a father, as a friend or as a person. [returns the snotty napkin] Come on, Raymond.

Quote from Robert

Ray: What are you laughing at?
Robert: It kills you that somebody hates you.
Debra: Hey, why don't you just call him up?
Ray: Oh, I can't call somebody up that hates me.
Andy: Hey, maybe back in the old country, your great-grandfather killed Jerry Musso's great-grandfather and their family swore vengeance.
Robert: But now he feels the gypsy curse that produced your nose was not sufficient.

Quote from Ray

Jerry Musso: Look, what do you want from me?
Ray: So it's true? You do hate me?
Jerry Musso: Man, you ought to learn to quit while you're ahead.
Ray: Hey, it's no big deal. I just wanna know why.
Jerry Musso: All right, you have to push it. Okay. Well, there's just something about you. I've read your column, I've heard you speak. I look at you, and I go, "I don't get it." I guess you don't have to be smart to have a career in this business. Now, if you know me, you know I have pretty high standards and a very low threshold for dumb. Now look, I didn't wanna say it. I was trying to be nice, but you wouldn't let it go. So why don't you go have a shrimp puff and leave me alone, okay?

Quote from Robert

Ray: Doesn't like me? What did he say? What were his exact words?
Andy: I didn't hear from him. I was going over my list with the executive producer, and he saw your name, and he goes, "Oh, Jerry's never gonna go for this. He doesn't like Ray Barone."
Debra: Well, maybe he's confusing Ray with somebody else.
Andy: That's what I thought. So I submitted your name anyway. And still, it came back "No. No way. Jerry hates Ray Barone."
Ray: "Hates"? It says, "hates."
Robert: Where do you go to get stuff framed? [puts the paper in his pocket]

Quote from Robert

Robert: Hey, everybody. I took Amy out last night to the greatest new seafood restaurant, and I'm gonna take all of you there next Saturday, huh? What do you think?
Ray: If I just knew why Jerry hated me, you know... I mean, that's what's killing me.
Marie: I'm gonna write that man a letter.
Robert: Hello, nice announcement here from somebody else.
Marie: That's very nice, Robbie. Just give me his address, and I'll take care of it.
Robert: Oh my God. This is unbelievable.
Ray: I know. Why would a guy hate me?
Robert: What is with you? You can't believe that somebody could hate you? Is it so impossible to fathom that somewhere in this vast cosmos there might exist a single entity that thinks you suck?
Marie: Robbie, we do not say "suck." And if we did, Raymond certainly wouldn't.
Ray: No. What's your problem, man?
Robert: I'm just tired of this. You have the tiniest problem, and we all have to stop and rock you in your snuggly till you're all better. I've been saying this for 40 years.
Ray: You could've used some of that time to wash your feet.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Nothing. It looked like you rolled your eyes there.
Jerry Musso: I did?
Ray: Yeah. I mean, you meant what you said just now?
Jerry Musso: Oh, sure. Listen, you're on the show. I'll see you there.
Ray: No, no. I know you said you didn't hate me, but it kind of looked like you just went like this and I think I know what that means. My wife does that to me all the time. You know, it's like, "Can you believe this guy?" But if that's not what you did, then that's fine.

Quote from Ray

Debra: What's wrong?
Ray: This whole Jerry Musso thing I can't stop thinking about it.
Debra: Jerry Musso? Your own brother tells you that he hates you, you can't stop thinking about Jerry Musso?
Ray: Robert's always hated me. But Jerry Musso...
Debra: Means nothing to you. He's nobody. You should go make up with your brother.
Ray: I'm not making up with him. He should get down on his knees, look me in the eye, and apologize.

Quote from Ray

Robert: So I don't know, Debra. We went to Marco's last night. Amy says, "I must've had everything on this menu 100 times." What do you think?
Debra: Maybe Amy's trying to tell you she'd like to go someplace else.
Ray: And with someone else.
Debra: Ray.
Ray: You gotta read between the lines.

Quote from Andy

Debra: How you doing, Andy? You look like you're losing weight.
Andy: Nah! I just gave up tucking in my shirt.
Ray: You here to tell everybody your big news? Andy got a new job booking guests on a national radio show.
Debra: Oh, congratulations, Andy. [kisses Andy]
Andy: Wow, this proves it. The ladies like guys with jobs.

Quote from Robert

Robert: I've heard Jerry Musso. Never cared for him.
Ray: Nobody asked you. It's a good opportunity for Andy, and I told him that I would do the show. You know, throw him a bone.
Andy: Actually, Ray, that's what I came over to tell you. I'm afraid I have to return your bone.
Ray: What do you mean?
Andy: I'm not gonna be able to book you on the show.
Ray: Why not?
Andy: Jerry Musso doesn't like you.
Ray: Doesn't like me?
Robert: What station is he going to be on?

Quote from Andy

Ray: Hates me? Jerry Musso hates me?
Debra: I'm sure he didn't mean "hates."
Ray: It's in writing! Andy, come on, just tell me the truth. Does Jerry Musso hate me?
Andy: I don't know. I wasn't the one who talked to him.
Ray: Well, ask him.
Andy: Oh, no. Look, I just got this job. Why would I wanna associate myself with the man my boss hates?

Quote from Debra

Ray: I don't even know the guy. I never even met him.
Andy: Did you write something bad about him?
Ray: No. I've never written about him at all.
Andy: Maybe that's why he hates you.
Debra: Come on, why would he care if he was in Ray's column?
Ray: What?
Debra: No. It's just that, it's not like it's, you know, the front page. I mean, people read your column for you know, fun. It's just a funny little... It's funny.
Ray: You hate my writing.
Debra: No! No. I'm supporting you. Your writing is... wow.
Ray: Yeah, okay, thank you. That's enough support.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Why the hell would this guy hate me?
Andy: I don't know. Did you sleep with his wife or something?
Debra: [giggles]
Ray: What?
Debra: "Slept with his wife"...
Ray: Oh, what, now I'm not attractive enough to sleep with his wife?
Debra: You're very attractive.
Ray: Just not to anyone else.
Debra: Did you sleep with his wife?
Ray: If I did, she would like it.
Debra: I know, honey. You could sleep with all the wives in the world if you wanted to. You're super hot.

Quote from Frank

Marie: You're not hungry? What's the matter? You don't look so good.
Ray: No, I'm fine, Ma.
Marie: No, you look terrible. You better eat something.
Frank: Let's go. I've got two minutes till the commercial's over.
Marie: Frank, doesn't Raymond look all worn out and tired?
Frank: What do you expect? He's been talking to you. Let's go. Lasagna time. Chop-chop.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Talk to me, Raymond. What's wrong?
Ray: Nothing. It's nothing. It's just... Have you ever known anybody that, I don't know, didn't like me?
Marie: Absolutely not. You're a sweet boy. People adore you.
Ray: Well, not Jerry Musso.
Marie: Who?
Frank: Jerry Musso, the radio guy?
Ray: Yeah.
Frank: He's pretty good.
Ray: He hates me.
Marie: [gasps] What's his number? I'm gonna call him.
Ray: No! Mom, it's okay.
Marie: If I could just talk to him for a few minutes, he would fall in love with you.
Frank: And hate her.

Quote from Robert

Robert: People hate you, Raymond. They hate you. They're out there, man.
Ray: Maybe you hate me.
Robert: You know what? If I did, it wouldn't bother you as much as some guy you don't even know hating you.
Ray: You've always hated me. You just never had the guts to say it.
Robert: Oh no? Are we doing garlic bread, or what?
Marie: Robbie doesn't hate you. Eat something.
Robert: Maybe I do hate you.
Marie: Robbie!
Ray: Maybe I hate you, too!
Marie: Raymond!

Quote from Robert

Robert: Well, you know what? I don't care, you little crybaby wussball.
Ray: Oh, why don't you go eat at your new seafood restaurant?
Robert: Why don't you?!
Ray: Why don't you?!
Marie: Stop it, boys!
Robert: You fathead!
Marie: Come on, I won't have this!
Robert: You make me sick!
Ray: Oh, you're an apeman!
Robert: Oh, yeah? [Robert pushes Marie aside, knocking the plate of lasagne onto her chest] Am I? You wanna know something? You wanna know who the genius is? Jerry Musso. Because he was the first to say it before me. Hate hate!
Ray: Oh, fine. And I hate you, too! I hate you! [both storm out]
Frank: I gotta tell you, Marie, I'm getting a little excited.

Quote from Debra

Debra: You're so immature. You could make the first move.
Ray: Listen to you, the person who wouldn't talk to my mother for three months.
Debra: That was completely different.
Ray: How?
Debra: Shut up.

Quote from Andy

Ray: Listen, I just got a couple more questions about this Jerry Musso thing.
Andy: Oh, God. You said you had something for me.
Ray: Yes, couple more questions. Ray, please, you're killing me.
Andy: You were on the phone with me all night.
Debra: You were?
Ray: You were asleep.
Andy: So was I!
Ray: Look, just tell me-
Andy: Listen, Ray, who cares what he thinks? I'll tell you something. I found out he's a major-league scuzball.
Ray: What do you mean?
Andy: The other day, a guy at the station was selling candy for his kid's school, and Jerry said, "I can't. I'm allergic to chocolate." And I have the feeling that he isn't.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Well, well, look who it is.
Ray: What are you doing here?
Robert: Andy got me on the guest list a couple of days ago. I wanna get Jerry Musso's autograph. I'm a big fan.
Ray: [blows his nose on Robbie's autographed napkin] Thank you.

Quote from Ray

Ray: A funny thing. I had heard... And I know how things get blown out of proportion and stuff gets misconstrued. Whatever. I had heard that somebody told me that you hated me. [nervous chuckle]
Jerry Musso: What?
Ray: "Hate." Yeah, that was the word, "hate," which seemed odd to me because we had never met. I mean, I have my faults, like anybody else, but I think once you get to know me, l... You know, it's like my mother says, it's... I- Well, anyway, I don't know, I was just wondering-
Jerry Musso: Well, I don't understand. Why- Why would I hate you?
Ray: That's what I said.
Jerry Musso: Yeah, well, that's ridiculous. I don't hate you. Who told you that? I really- I don't know where you could've got that. In fact, you should do my show. Would you do my show?
Ray: Yes. Yes, that would be great. Okay, where's Andy? Andy! Andy!
Andy: Hey, what's up, Jer?
Jerry Musso: Andy, this is Ray Barone, "New York Newsday."
Andy: How do you do? Ray, is it?
Ray: Yeah.
Jerry Musso: Well, how come we haven't booked Ray on the show? I mean, he'd be great.
Ray: You know, I knew this was some kind of big misunderstanding.
Jerry Musso: Oh, sure, sure. Well, listen, enjoy yourself, and it was nice to meet you.

Quote from Robert

Ray: Hey, you know, thanks.
Robert: Yeah, yeah.
Ray: That guy called me dumb.
Robert: You're not dumb, Raymond.
Ray: Even if I am, is that any reason to hate me?
Robert: Of course not. There's so many better reasons.
Ray: Yeah. Hey, by the way, that's not a pimple, all right? That's an ingrown hair.
Robert: Well, it's weird, and it won't go away.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Deb. Deb.
Debra: Hmm?
Ray: Do you think I'm dumb?
Debra: You've asked me this before.
Ray: I guess I forgot what you said 'cause I'm dumb.
Debra: No, Ray, you're not dumb.
Ray: Really?
Debra: You're neurotic, but you're not dumb. I wouldn't be married to a dumb guy.

Quote from Ray

Ray: You call me "idiot."
Debra: Come on. That's just my little nickname for you. You're not an idiot.
Ray: So, what is it? It's like an opposite nickname, you know, like someone who never smiles, you call 'em "Smiley"?
Debra: Yeah, that's right.
Ray: Night. Good night, skinny. 'Cause that's not an opposite nickname. My nicknames mean exactly what they say. If you want an opposite nickname, then... Hi, chubby. I don't know. I- I am an idiot.


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