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‘Robert Needs Money’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert Needs Money

706. Robert Needs Money

Aired October 21, 2002

Ray and Debra lend Robert money after his pay is cut at the precinct.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Why don't you see how many doughnuts you can get in your mouth, Dad?
Frank: Oh, they're all going in. But let me tell you something about giving money: First of all, you never just offer it to anybody. They gotta come to you with a really good reason and a whole plan to pay you back. And then, only after they prove they're good for it, you tell 'em, "Beat it, loser."
Debra: So you just humiliate them?
Frank: No. They shame themselves. They learn a lesson. And if they don't, screw them. Who needs friends like that?

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Quote from Ray

Ray: Robert, I'm sorry, all right? I guess I reacted badly because, I don't know, I was kind of shocked. I didn't mean to imply that you're not my brother or that I don't want you to be my brother. You're my brother, okay?
Robert: Thank you, Raymond. That means a lot to me. I think I understand now where you're coming from.
Ray: Good. Good.
Robert: I'm gonna go pack.
Ray: Wait, wait, wait! You're still going?
Robert: What do you mean? You just apologized.
Ray: I apologized for saying you're not my brother, but why would I apologize for you taking my money and going to Vegas with it?
Robert: Because you realize that only a heartless dictator, or Mom, would tell people how to live their lives.
Ray: You're calling me a heartless dictator... or Mom?!

Quote from Robert

Ray: It's worth $1,000 not to hear any of your crap again.
Robert: My crap is true!
Ray: What is it, huh? It's like you wanna take my money 'cause you think I don't even deserve it in the first place. [Robert is silent] Oh, my God. You do think that. You do think that! Gimme my check back!
Robert: I didn't say that!
Ray: You didn't not say it.
Robert: Oh, come on, Raymond, be honest. You're telling me that luck hasn't played a small role in your life?
Ray: What? Where? What? How am I luckier than you?
Robert: Look at me! Look how I'm living, look how I eat! Bologna and orange juice, like an animal! Why do you think I have to go to Vegas? Because I'm not lucky, Raymond. I need a break from my life!

Quote from Debra

Ray: He said it's gonna take more than an apology. He said talk is cheap.
Debra: Oh. Well, what are you gonna do?
Ray: I don't know. I think he'd like it if I spent more time with him.
Debra: Yeah, that would be good.
Ray: He's thinking of, like, six days in Vegas.
Debra: What?
Ray: That's what he said. Yeah. I told him, "No way. I don't wanna go." He got this hurt look on his face, and then he turned his back to me, and I think he was crying 'cause he did one of those... [gasps for air] I don't know. I felt so bad. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Debra: I think maybe it's a good idea.
Ray: Yeah? You think?
Debra: Yeah. I think you should go. And when you get there, see what the odds are of me being here when you get back.

Quote from Frank

Frank: You know, I once lost a friend over $50. And I'll tell ya, sometimes when I'm driving, I still think about that $50.

Quote from Robert

Robert: If you must know, they're making a lot of pay cuts at the precinct. They're cutting back on the hours, and people are just scrambling to make ends meet.
Debra: Oh, Robert, I had no idea. Why the cutbacks?
Robert: Uh, crime's at a 30-year low. It's tough on everybody.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Come. We were gonna go as a couple, but you can ruin it if you want.
Robert: Well, that's sweet of you, but no, no.
Debra: No, no. Come on, Robert. Come with us, huh? You can call somebody, we'll make it a double date.
Ray: Well, by the time he gets a date, the movie'll be on video.
Robert: Actually, movies really aren't in my budget right now.
Debra: Really?
Ray: Budget? What, the new giant tax kick in?

Quote from Frank

Debra: No. We thought it was the right thing to do. And you heard Marie. He's finally happy.
Marie: Well, why didn't he come to us if he needed money?
Frank: Because we'd say no.
Marie: I'm his mother. I'm the one he should come to if he needed money. Raymond, I wanna buy out that loan.
Frank: No! No way! Lending money to Robert is the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Debra: It wasn't a loan, it was a gift.
Frank: I stand corrected.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Oh, if you need a vacation, Robbie, you know where I always wanted to go? Hershey, Pennsylvania. We could watch them make chocolate.
Frank: Yeah, you're gonna watch.

Quote from Robert

Robert: And guys they're having to take second jobs, people are dipping into their retirement funds. It's rough out there. So, I had to cancel my cable, but thought maybe I can come over here and watch a movie on your satellite.
Ray: You canceled cable?
Robert: Oh, yeah, but that's okay. You know, I gotta shift my focus, re-evaluate my priorities.
Ray: You couldn't keep basic cable?
Robert: I'm doing what needs to be done, Raymond, across the board. You know, you'd be surprised how inexpensive and versatile bologna is.
Debra: What are you talking about?
Robert: Bologna. It's great. I made it in casseroles, stew, salad. I even put it into a pie.
Ray: How was that?
Robert: Not too good.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Ray, what about Robert?
Ray: Well, he's coming off bologna pie.
Debra: We need to help him.
Ray: What do you mean, like milk?
Debra: Money. He needs money. Weren't you listening?
Ray: Yeah. He didn't ask for money.
Debra: Because he's too proud to ask.
Ray: Well, it's a good system. He keeps his pride, we keep our money.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Wait a minute. How much we gonna give him?
Debra: Like $1,000.
Ray: $1,000?
Debra: It has to be enough to help him, Ray.
Ray: Help him, but $1,000? What about that thing, teach a man to fish so he doesn't take your $1,000?

Quote from Frank

Marie: What are those, doughnuts?
Frank: Get lost.
Marie: You better save one for Robbie. He's coming over.
Frank: Oh, great. Mopey Dick.

Quote from Frank

Marie: What's going on?
Ray: Yeah, we did a nice thing.
Frank: Hey, it's a box of doughnuts. You're not Mother Teresa.
Ray: No! Dad, we did something for Robert.
Marie: What did you do? He just told us that he's been going through a rough patch financially, so we helped him out a little.
Marie: You mean with money?
Ray: Yeah.
Marie: How much?
Ray: $1,000.
Marie: [gasps]
Frank: What are you two, idiots?

Quote from Robert

Marie: Hey, where you going? Robbie, do you want a doughnut?
Robert: Oh, I'd love to, Ma, but there's a couple things I have to take care of before I go on vacation.
Ray: Vacation?
Robert: Yep. Las Vegas, Nevada! Oh, I need my flip-flops. [exits]
Frank: [laughs]

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