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‘The Apartment’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Apartment

311. The Apartment

Aired December 7, 1998

Ray starts spending a lot of time at Robert's apartment after he notices the building is full of attractive women.

Quote from Frank

Marie: You know, Robby, I've never been in a hot tub. I should bring my suit next time.
Frank: I think the building might bring a suit. Indecent exposure.
Marie: All right.
Frank: Inciting a riot.
Marie: Frank.
Frank: Water pollution.
Marie: Why don't you go down in the hot tub? I'm sure the girls would love to watch a pot roast boil.

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Quote from Marie

Marie: Raymond, have you called Robby?
Ray: Talk to her. She's the wife. She's the one who's supposed to call people.
Debra: You're his brother, you've never even seen his place. And he and Amy broke up. You know, you should go over there.
Ray: Well, I've been busy with, with Ally's shoes and golf balls in the toilet.
Marie: You have to go over and see his new place, Raymond, and report back.
Ray: What, do you want me to wear a wire?
Marie: That's up to you.
Ray: Ma, why don't you just go there?
Marie: We're waiting for an invitation. It would be rude for us to just barge in.

Quote from Ray

Debra: I think it's great. It's just great. You're really being a brother to him.
Ray: Well, he's a great guy, you know. And I just want what's breast for him.
Debra: What?
Ray: What?
Debra: You just said breast. "I just want what's breast for him."
Ray: I did not. Why would I say that? I have not reason to say that. You must have heard me wrong.
Debra: No, that's okay, Ray. It's just funny you said breast.
Ray: I did not, and it's not funny. I don't think it's funny at all how you jump down my throat over a silly mix-up.

Quote from Frank

Frank: I got to go home. I got to do some work on my lounge.
Robert: What lounge?
Marie: Your father's turning your bedroom into a bathroom. Goodbye, dear.
Robert: A bathroom?
Frank: Yeah, and now I'm thinking of putting in one of those hot tubs as part of phase two.
Robert: What was phase one?
Frank: Getting you out.
Marie: [o.s.] I'm not holding the elevator, Frank.
Frank: On to phase three.

Quote from Frank

Frank: You got any grout? I need grout.
Marie: Don't give it to him. He wants to destroy Robby's room.
Ray: Why?
Frank: I'm building myself a lounge. A big lounge. I'm gonna call it Frank's Lounge.
Marie: Lounge. He wants to make a giant bathroom for himself.

Quote from Debra

Marie: We're leaving Robby's room just the way it is for when he comes back.
Frank: He's not coming back. He's happy where he is.
Marie: Bite your tongue. With any luck, right now he's miserable.
Frank: Then I'll turn Ray's room into the lounge. He's not coming back.
Marie: You never know.
Debra: Say the word, Marie.

Quote from Ray

Debra: What is wrong with you?
Ray: I'm very, very tired.
Debra: Well, listen, honey, give yourself a break. Robert can manage.
Ray: Oh sure, I say one thing wrong and all of a sudden I can't go over there anymore, right?
Debra: You just said that you are tired from going over there.
Ray: I am. It's like when you were nursing and you got tired, but you still continued to nurse because the children need you. And this had nothing to do with breasts.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Five more golf balls. I found five more golf balls.
Debra: I told you, put a child lock on the toilet.
Ray: Yeah, lock on the toilet. What, you got to be Houdini to take a pee in this house?

Quote from Frank

Frank: Kids putting stuff in the toilet again? They're not getting into Frank's Lounge. No kids, no wives.
Marie: I can't go in there at all?
Frank: All right. Tuesday's ladies' night. Bring your scrub brush.

Quote from Ray

Michelle: Hi, I'm Michelle.
Ray: Oh. Like the Beatles. That was kind of their French song. "Michelle." You probably get that a lot.
Michelle: Yeah, but I like it. [Ray chuckles] What floor you going to?
Ray: ... I don't know.

Quote from Robert

Robert: So you finally made it over. What do you think?
Ray: Nice elevator. Met your neighbor, Michelle.
Robert: Yeah, Michelle, 8-D. She's always coming over here wanting a bottle of detergent.
Ray: You're kidding me.
Robert: I'm going to cut her off. She really needs to learn to buy her own.
Ray: That girl's been here? With dirty clothes?
Robert: Oh yeah.

Quote from Ray

Robert: This is my brother Ray.
Ray: [to Sandy] How's it shakin'? [to Robert] This is a fantastic apartment.
Robert: Eh, the parking's bad, the place is kind of dark and, I got to tell you, this carpet, it's a little rough on the flippers.
Ray: Oh really? I didn't notice, 'cause I was too busy looking at all the women. There's women everywhere.
Sandy: Thanks, Robert. It was nice to meet you, Ray.
Ray: Ditto. [to Robert] Are you the only man in this building?
Robert: No, there's some male nurses and flight attendants.
Ray: So then this is, like, your kingdom.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Oh my God, the castle has a hot tub.
Robert: Yeah, good luck getting in there. The girls are always hogging it.
Ray: Look at them. You haven't actually gone out with any of these women, have you? And if you have, please talk slowly.
Robert: Come on, Ray, you've seen pretty girls before.
Ray: Yeah, before. Way before. What the hell is wrong with you? This is a very nice place to live.
Robert: So, you really like it?
Ray: Are you kidding? I've never been more jealous in my life.

Quote from Ray

Debra: How's Robert's apartment coming?
Ray: Lots to do there still.
Debra: Really? How much work does the place need? You've been over there a couple of times this week already.
Ray: It's not really about the work.
Debra: Yeah, I know. It's about Robert feeling lonely.
Ray: That's right. He's really vulnerable right now.
Debra: Mmm.
Ray: You know, it's touch and go, emotionally speaking.

Quote from Ray

Debra: So what do you do over there? Ray? [Ray pretends to be asleep] Ray!
Ray: What?
Debra: You like it over at Robert's apartment, don't you?
Ray: I don't like it. It's just a dumb apartment.
Debra: Yeah, I bet it's a lot more fun over there than it is here.
Ray: It's-- how can it be more fun? There's no you over there.
Debra: Yeah, yeah, that's right. And there's no responsibility and there's no kids.
Ray: Hey, that's not my rule, all right. That's in his lease.
Debra: Oh yeah.
Ray: Listen, if it bothers you, I'd just as soon not go. I don't have to go. I don't like to go. I don't need to go. I mean, I don't need to be always cheering Robert up. So as a matter of fact, thank you. Thank you very much. 'Cause I'm just gonna tell Robert, "Look, that's it for me." That's it. No if, ands or buts. And that's but with one t, all right? So just clean it up a little, all right? [kisses Debra] Good night. Good night.

Quote from Robert

Frank: Hey, Ray.
Ray: What are you doing here?
Frank: I'm here for the broads.
Robert: Dad, a little less obvious, please. I have to live here. At least crouch down behind the plant the way Ray does.

Quote from Ray

Ray: What's up? How are you?
Debra: Well, you know, just trying to make ends meet. It's hard for a housekeeper.
Ray: [laughs] That's obviously because of the sheets and the towels. You know what I'm saying? If you were carrying a torch, they would have called you the Statue of Liberty. Who, by the way, is a sexy, sexy lady.

Quote from Robert

Debra: Well, I brought Robert's towels and linens because I wanted to, you know, spruce the place up since he's been so depressed.
Robert: Depressed?
Ray: Yeah. Yeah, I told Debra how you were depressed and how I was helping you with that. You know, that's why I was over here so much. But you know what, Debra's never been here. So maybe she should take the grand tour of it.
Robert: Okay. The grand tour. Well, over here, as you can see, we have the kitchen. And there is the fireplace, and back here is the bedroom. A very big walk-in closet. [door closes]
Ray: He's not coming back, is he?

Quote from Debra

Ray: Listen, nothing was going on, nothing. Nothing happened. Nothing would happen.
Debra: I know.
Ray: You do?
Debra: God, Ray, I mean, come on. I saw those women. Like you had a shot.
Ray: Okay, you're hurt, you're lashing out now.
Debra: Listen, all I want to know is why do you have to lie to me?
Ray: I don't have to, it's just my way.
Debra: "Robert's touch and go, emotionally speaking." I mean, why don't you just say, "I'm going over to Robert's to look at pretty girls"?
Ray: I got to be honest with you, it never occurred to me to say that.
Debra: Yeah, that's right, because I would have said no! And you would have to stop living vicariously through Robert.
Ray: That's right, vicariously. Vicariously, just looking. Not thinking, not moving, just thanking God for the blessing that is my beautiful wife while I hang pictures. Vicariously.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Wait, Deb. Look, before you go, I was in there hiding, but really thinking about what Ray had said before. And believe it or not, there's actually some truth to it.
Ray: It's okay, Robert, it's over. It's all over.
Robert: No, I'm serious here. You know, when I first moved in here, I was kind of depressed. I was away from my family, I lost my girlfriend. And then Ray came over and he kind of liked the place. And for once, I had something that he thought was something. And it made the whole place better.
Ray: For Robert.
Robert: That's true. You know, me and Raymond, we don't get to hang out together that much and it's been... It's been good.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Some lounge, huh? 108 degrees of fun.
Ray: Yeah, how about six degrees of separation?
Robert: I can't believe this. My bed used to be right here.
Frank: You can't tell me you miss it. I mean, look at this. You know Hef has the same model in the Playboy Mansion.
Marie: Here you go, boys. Enjoy yourselves. Little ducky.
Ray: Somehow it's not the same.


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