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‘A Job for Robert’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: A Job for Robert

908. A Job for Robert

Aired November 29, 2004

Ray wonders what's going on when Marie suddenly starts treating Robert like a prince.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Amy! Amy! Amy!
Amy: Hey, what is it? Hey, cute boxers.
Robert: We're being played.
Amy: What?
Robert: You know all that nice stuff that Mom's doing for us? It isn't because she cares for us. She wants us to breed. We're Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing.

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Quote from Robert

Robert: You know what? You're just jealous.
Ray: I'm telling you.
Robert: No, you are wrong. You see, what you can't stand is how much Mom likes me and Amy.
Ray: What?
Robert: That's right. You see, as a team, and you very well know, me and Amy beat you and Debra hands down.
Ray: Oh, give me a break.
Robert: Oh, it's simply mathematics, Raymond. You see, if you take Ma's love for you, subtract it by her distaste for Debra, compare it to her disappointment in me, add in her adoration for Amy, we end up winning by 15 points.
Ray: Yeah, 15 points.
Robert: That's right.

Quote from Robert

Robert: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Amy: What? What is it?
Robert: My mom. I can't get her outta my head.
Amy: We'll see about that. [pushes Robert back on the bed and kisses him]
Robert: No, no. She's still there. I can hear her voice. I can hear her voice: "Go, Robbie, go!"
Amy: Robert.
Robert: I just can't. It's too much pressure for me. I can't breed in captivity!
Marie: [enters] I found a boomy box.
Robert: We're not animals!

Quote from Marie

Amy: And worst of all, Robert thought that maybe you appreciated him for himself, and not his...
Ray: All right, take it easy.
Marie: Amy, I don't know where Robert gets this idea that I don't appreciate him. I do. I do! If anything, I have always favored you over Raymond. [Ray & Debra laugh] It's true. And, Robbie, I may have paid a bit more attention to Raymond, but that's only because he was a needy, soft, weak little boy.
Ray: Ma.
Marie: You, on the other hand, you've always been so strong. I never had to worry about you being bullied on the playground, because you were always a boy who... Who...
Frank: Had a five o'clock shadow.
Marie: Yes, maybe I was wrong to try to create conditions that would encourage you to be fruitful and multiply, as it says in the Bible. But that's only because it would be a waste not to pass on these strong legs, these broad shoulders, and this marvelous set of teeth. I'm sorry, Raymond, but your teeth were always a disaster.

Quote from Ray

Ray: What is all this stuff? Is this a refrigerator?
Robert: Raymond, please, I'm very busy.
Ray: Well, look at all this. I knew Amy took a nip once in a while. I didn't know she was a wino.
Robert: This is not Amy's doing. Ma put this in for us. Now if you don't mind, I would like to get dressed.
Ray: What's with the candles and massage oil?
Robert: Well, Ma gave us a gift basket when we all moved in together. That's right.
Ray: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How come Mom's doing all this for you all of a sudden, with the special treatment and candles and wine, massage oil? Oh. Oh!
Robert: What? What?
Ray: Grandchildren. She wants grandchildren, and she's doing all she can to grease the wheels.
Robert: Oh, get outta here.
Ray: No, it's gotta be. Come on, you're a cop. Put it together. This isn't a gift basket. It's a love basket. Why do you think Mom doesn't want you working around the house? She's got a much bigger job for you.

Quote from Robert

Amy: Have you been raiding our little fridge this morning?
Robert: And you see, that's all part of it the alcohol, the candles, the oil. You mix all that together and you know what you get? A baby.
Amy: I guess the girls get a different slide show than the boys.
Robert: Listen. Listen to me, Amy. Mom is only doing this for one reason. She's trying to seduce us. You like these boxers, huh, do you? Well, you know what, she bought them because they match your eyes and won't squeeze my peas.

Quote from Marie

Robert: Admit it, Ma. Ever since we moved in, you've been luring us into some kind of Venus sex trap!
Marie: First of all, do not say "sex trap" to me. And second of all, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I resent the fact that you see me as this manipulative monster. And by the way, what would be so terrible if you and Amy had a baby?
Robert: Ma, try to understand. It's not the right time right now.
Marie: I understand. What do you think, Amy?
Amy: Well, I think we both need to be ready.
Marie: But I am ready.
Amy: No, Marie. Me and Robert.
Robert: Yeah, Ma. You could see that, can't you?
Marie: Of course I can. I only want the best for you. Get your ass outta my house.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Raymond, I meant to ask you a favor, but you left so quickly. I was wondering if you could put up my storm windows for me, 'cause lately, I've been getting a chill while I'm doing my morning calisthenics.
Ray: Wait, wait, wait. Storm windows? Why can't Robert do it, or is he sleeping off his blueberry high?
Amy: Sure, Marie. Robert could do it.
Marie: Robert has other things to do.
Ray: What? What's he do?
Marie: He puts his life on the line every day to protect the community. He doesn't need any more stress.
Ray: Stress? He can't pop in a few windows at the house where he lives rent-free?
Marie: You know, this lazy side of you is very unattractive, Raymond. But fine. My joints are a little stiff, but I'll just bundle up and hope for a mild winter. [limps away]

Quote from Amy

Robert: You know, I was actually thinking that Mom was starting to appreciate me for myself, just like she appreciates Raymond. Idiot, idiot, idiot!
Amy: Oh, Robert. It's okay. She appreciates you.
Robert: Yeah. I'm her prize stud.
Amy: Hey, if you think about it, she appreciates you so much that she can't wait to have a bunch of little Roberts running all over the place.
Robert: Little Roberts.
Amy: Or little Robertas. You know, it's actually kinda sweet in its own manipulative, creepy way. It's like she built a little nest for us.

Quote from Frank

Debra: Marie, you don't mean that.
Marie: Well, If they want to live in my house, there are certain rules.
Ray: Ma, come on. Nobody's throwing anybody out.
Frank: No, no. Let's think about this. Since Marie has been paying so much attention to them lately, she's been nagging me less. On the other hand, this has also made my dinners somewhat tardy.

Quote from Amy

Amy: You know, I never thought I'd say it, but we really do love living over there.
Debra: [mouths to Ray] She's crazy.

Quote from Ray

Ray: All right, Mom. I'll put in the windows.
Marie: Thank you.
Ray: I don't know why you'd want to make a house that Dad lives in airtight.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Now if you don't mind, I would like you out of my room.
Ray: Yeah, your room.
Robert: Yeah, that's right. And if you don't leave right now, I will take off my robe and hug you. One.
Ray: Shut up.
Robert: Two.
Ray: Don't be stupid.
Robert: Three.
[As Robert flashes open his robe, Marie walks in the door]
Robert: Aah! Come on! Come on! Sorry, Ma.
Marie: I remember it from the tub.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Listen, Robbie, I was at the store and I picked up some boxer shorts for you. They're satin.
Robert: Thanks, Ma, but you know, boxer shorts aren't really my thing.
Marie: That's nonsense. These briefs that you wear are much too tight. And look, they match Amy's eyes.

Quote from Ray

Ray: I'll let you get your rest, Robert. You got a lot of work to do.
Robert: No, no, wait a minute. This can't possibly-
Ray: Oh, wake up, my friend, huh? You think you're in your bedroom, but you're really in the incubator! [laughs]

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