Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Golf for It’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Golf for It

823. Golf for It

Aired May 24, 2004

As Ray and Robert wait in the car overnight at a prestigious golf course, they end up discussing their parents' future.

Quote from Robert

Ray: We don't even have to do this, 'cause like you said before, Ma loves me more!
Robert: Well, you know what? She can love you all she wants, because I love her more than you do.
Ray: What?
Robert: You heard me. I love Ma more.
Ray: Are you insane?
Robert: Deep down inside, Raymond, you know it's true.
Ray: Are you saying that I don't love my mother?
Robert: Not as much as me. You take her for granted. But me? I cherish every ounce of affection that woman gives me because I have to fight for it like a dirty dog in the street. But you? You don't even have to try. She makes it so easy for you. You're just a fat kid sittin' with his mouth open at the end of a chocolate assembly line. You disgust me. I'm gettin' Ma.

Rate

Quote from Robert

Ray: She can't stay in my house. There's not enough room!
Robert: Oh, come on, you've got plenty of room downstairs in your office there. Just put in a nice rug, and put up a big picture of you and her together. Oh, she'll be very happy.
Ray: Okay, so, since you're too stubborn to move into that house, like we all know is your destiny, you're gonna force your own mother to live in a basement, huh? A dark, disgusting basement with the rats and the cockroaches.
Robert: Raymond, Raymond, Raymond. Don't fight it. Who do you think she'd rather be with? We all know that you're the favorite. And that, my friend is your destiny.
Ray: You are out of your mind! She loves us both equally.
Robert: [laughs] Oh, yeah, right!
Ray: Okay!
Robert: All right. All right. I'll tell you what: Why don't we do this: we'll put her in the middle of the room, call her name and see who she comes to.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh, I'm glad you boys are here. My laundry room shelves were delivered, so you can put them up tomorrow morning.
Robert: Oh, yeah, you know, sorry, Ma, but Ray and I are going golfing, but we'll do it for you on Sunday.
Marie: No, no, no. That won't do, because Lee and Stan are coming for lunch tomorrow afternoon.
Ray: I- I- It's kinda all set, Ma.
Marie: So the list of things more important than me just keeps getting longer. [Ray & Robert groan] All right, how 'bout doing the shelves now? Do you have any time for your mother now?
Robert: Well, actually, we're supposed to leave for the golf course tonight.
Marie: Oh. I understand. Okay, go golfing. Have a good time.
[Marie slowly limps out of the living room]

Quote from Frank

Frank: I'll be honest, Marie. Looking at those shelves, I think Lee's gonna win this one.
Robert: What do you mean? Win what?
Frank: Oh, Lee's all full of herself 'cause her son built a special box for her spoon collection.
Marie: That has nothing to do with anything.
Frank: Gimme a break! That's why your mother wants to drag Lee into the laundry room, so she can show her what you two do for her. Ow!
Ray: That's why we're doin' this, Ma? Because- Beause Lee's son has nothin' better to do all day than to kiss his mom's behind?!
Frank: Have you seen Lee's behind? It does take all day.

Quote from Ray

Robert: You know what? I got a buddy on the force, and his parents just moved to California. He sees them twice a year, tops.
Ray: Oh! Oh, how great would that be? You know, it would be, like, us... America... them.
Robert: Mmm.
Ray: Hey, you know where old people like to go? Florida.
Robert: Oh, yeah!
Ray: How do we get 'em to go there?
Robert: Well, next time it snows, we show Ma pictures of Florida right after Dad has had her shovel the driveway.
Ray: Yeah! Yeah! And for Dad, we just tell him that, uh, Florida just became underwear-optional.
Ray: Oh, how great would that be? Mom and Dad a whole plane ride away.
Robert: Ah, it's fun to think about.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Aw, who are we kiddin'? They're not goin' anywhere, are they?
Robert: No. They're gonna be with us forever. Well, until they, you know...
Ray: Yeah.
Robert: Yeah, of course, Dad, there's a good chance that he's not gonna be... [points to the heavens]
Ray: Yeah. Yeah. That's true. He may be headed south after all.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Oh, boy. But, you know, it's weird, just to picture Ma paddin' around the house with no one to yell at.
Ray: Well, you don't know that Dad's definitely gonna go first.
Robert: Come on, did you see the way he was wolfin' down that meatball sub tonight? I mean, I don't- I don't exactly see him blowin' out 100 candles.

Quote from Robert

Ray: Yeah. I guess at some point down the road, we'll have to put Mom in a home or something.
Robert: Yeah. Yeah, l- I guess that's what they do, right? But- But a nice one.
Ray: Oh, yeah. A good one.
Robert: Not that kind they investigate on the news.
Ray: No. Huh-uh, it's gotta be first-class, you know? It's gotta have flowers and... and a television.
Robert: Yeah, but you know what? She still won't like it. Even if it's a nice, old-age home, she'll still find something to complain about.
Ray: Yeah, true. She'll probably try to escape a lot. Which I think they charge you for.

Quote from Robert

Ray: Look, I'm just trying to think of what is best for Ma.
Robert: Oh, well, aren't you a saint?
Ray: What?
Robert: 'Course, I can't help but think what would be best for Ma is for her to live out her days in the place where she already spends most of her time.
Ray: Uh, no! No.
Robert: Why? Why? Come on, Raymond. It's perfect. One day she's over at your house, and then she just doesn't leave.
Ray: Huh-uh.
Robert: Yeah, I could drop off her toothbrush and a gallon of Jean Nate, and she'd be all set.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Wait a minute, Robert. I- I don't think you're taking every factor into consideration. You're forgetting a very special little lady named Debra. You think Ma wants to spend the rest of her life under the same roof with her arch-nemesis? Not likely. But whose wife does she love? Whose wife does she just think is the cat's bananas?
Robert: Look, don't bring our wives--
Ray: Yeah, that's right! It's Amy! Precious little Amy. So, you can put Ma in the middle of that room. As soon as she gets one look at Amy, she's gonna come scamperin' over to you tongue out and tail a-waggin'!

Quote from Ray

Ray: I was gonna destroy you, anyway, so, fine. This'll be the icing on my delicious victory pie.
Robert: Yeah? We'll see who'll be eating the delicious pie.
Ray: Oh, you are goin' down!
Robert: Oh, yeah? You're goin' down... to your basement, so you can pretty it all up for Big Mama.
Ray: Nah. I don't think so. I don't think so. No, I beat you pretty good the last time, pal.
Robert: All right, and I beat you the last three times before that.
Ray: Just so you know, I've been practicing my putting while Debra thinks I'm reading to the kids, okay? So... So, just get ready, man. "Oh, Robbie, it's too cold in the house. Robbie, it's too hot in the house. Robbie, I hope you're making a baby in there." Yeah! Yeah! That's right. That is correct. She's gonna be with you till the day she dies!

Quote from Ray

Robert: Here you go, Ma.
Marie: Oh, my goodness!
Ray: Yeah. Listen, Ma, we're sorry. We shouldn't have yelled at you.
Robert: Yeah, we felt bad all day.
Marie: Oh, you shouldn't have. You're the best sons any mother could hope for. [kisses Ray & Robert]
Frank: Why do I suddenly want jelly doughnuts?
Marie: Oh, these shelves are so beautiful. And flowers!
Robert: Glad you like 'em, Mom. Sorry they weren't ready in time for Lee and Stan.
Marie: Oh, that doesn't matter. Come on, you're gonna carry these shelves over to Lee's house right now.
Ray: Okay. All right, Ma. Pick it up. Oh, by the way, Deb, I beat Robert at golf, so when Dad dies, Mom's gonna live with us.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hey, let me help you with these things. This is nice, us working together like this.
Debra: What's goin' on, Ray?
Ray: Okay, all right. Here's the thing: Robert and the guys, they, uh, wanna go golfing tomorrow, and I said, "No! No way! Because it's... It's the weekend, and the weekend is for family!" But then-
Debra: Ray, Ray, Ray. Spare me. You wanna play golf, go ahead.
Ray: Really? 'Cause I had a lot more prepared.
Debra: Ray, just play golf. You don't have to put on a big show. I mean, it insults me when you pretend to be a good husband.

Quote from Debra

Robert: Uh, Raymond, did you talk to a certain someone about a certain something?
Debra: You don't have to speak in code, Mr. Bond. I already said yes.

Quote from Robert

Amy: So, Deb, since the guys are leaving for golf tonight, maybe you and I should do something.
Ray: What? Tonight? You said golf tomorrow!
Ray: Okay. See we're gonna play Bethpage Black, which is the most famous public course in the country - perhaps the world - and the only way to get a tee time is to line up in your car tonight and wait there until the morning. And, uh, well...
Robert: Deb, please let him do this. I- I- It's for me, Gianni and Andy because, you know, we don't like Ray, either. It's just, I mean we need a fourth body. And a van.

Page 2 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode