Ray: We don't even have to do this, 'cause like you said before, Ma loves me more!
Robert: Well, you know what? She can love you all she wants, because I love her more than you do.
Ray: What?
Robert: You heard me. I love Ma more.
Ray: Are you insane?
Robert: Deep down inside, Raymond, you know it's true.
Ray: Are you saying that I don't love my mother?
Robert: Not as much as me. You take her for granted. But me? I cherish every ounce of affection that woman gives me because I have to fight for it like a dirty dog in the street. But you? You don't even have to try. She makes it so easy for you. You're just a fat kid sittin' with his mouth open at the end of a chocolate assembly line. You disgust me. I'm gettin' Ma.

Ray: She can't stay in my house. There's not enough room!
Robert: Oh, come on, you've got plenty of room downstairs in your office there. Just put in a nice rug, and put up a big picture of you and her together. Oh, she'll be very happy.
Ray: Okay, so, since you're too stubborn to move into that house, like we all know is your destiny, you're gonna force your own mother to live in a basement, huh? A dark, disgusting basement with the rats and the cockroaches.
Robert: Raymond, Raymond, Raymond. Don't fight it. Who do you think she'd rather be with? We all know that you're the favorite. And that, my friend is your destiny.
Ray: You are out of your mind! She loves us both equally.
Robert: [laughs] Oh, yeah, right!
Ray: Okay!
Robert: All right. All right. I'll tell you what: Why don't we do this: we'll put her in the middle of the room, call her name and see who she comes to.

Marie: Oh, I'm glad you boys are here. My laundry room shelves were delivered, so you can put them up tomorrow morning.
Robert: Oh, yeah, you know, sorry, Ma, but Ray and I are going golfing, but we'll do it for you on Sunday.
Marie: No, no, no. That won't do, because Lee and Stan are coming for lunch tomorrow afternoon.
Ray: I- I- It's kinda all set, Ma.
Marie: So the list of things more important than me just keeps getting longer. [Ray & Robert groan] All right, how 'bout doing the shelves now? Do you have any time for your mother now?
Robert: Well, actually, we're supposed to leave for the golf course tonight.
Marie: Oh. I understand. Okay, go golfing. Have a good time.
[Marie slowly limps out of the living room]

Frank: I'll be honest, Marie. Looking at those shelves, I think Lee's gonna win this one.
Robert: What do you mean? Win what?
Frank: Oh, Lee's all full of herself 'cause her son built a special box for her spoon collection.
Marie: That has nothing to do with anything.
Frank: Gimme a break! That's why your mother wants to drag Lee into the laundry room, so she can show her what you two do for her. Ow!
Ray: That's why we're doin' this, Ma? Because- Beause Lee's son has nothin' better to do all day than to kiss his mom's behind?!
Frank: Have you seen Lee's behind? It does take all day.

Robert: You know what? I got a buddy on the force, and his parents just moved to California. He sees them twice a year, tops.
Ray: Oh! Oh, how great would that be? You know, it would be, like, us... America... them.
Robert: Mmm.
Ray: Hey, you know where old people like to go? Florida.
Robert: Oh, yeah!
Ray: How do we get 'em to go there?
Robert: Well, next time it snows, we show Ma pictures of Florida right after Dad has had her shovel the driveway.
Ray: Yeah! Yeah! And for Dad, we just tell him that, uh, Florida just became underwear-optional.
Ray: Oh, how great would that be? Mom and Dad a whole plane ride away.
Robert: Ah, it's fun to think about.

Ray: Aw, who are we kiddin'? They're not goin' anywhere, are they?
Robert: No. They're gonna be with us forever. Well, until they, you know...
Ray: Yeah.
Robert: Yeah, of course, Dad, there's a good chance that he's not gonna be... [points to the heavens]
Ray: Yeah. Yeah. That's true. He may be headed south after all.

Robert: Oh, boy. But, you know, it's weird, just to picture Ma paddin' around the house with no one to yell at.
Ray: Well, you don't know that Dad's definitely gonna go first.
Robert: Come on, did you see the way he was wolfin' down that meatball sub tonight? I mean, I don't- I don't exactly see him blowin' out 100 candles.

Ray: Yeah. I guess at some point down the road, we'll have to put Mom in a home or something.
Robert: Yeah. Yeah, l- I guess that's what they do, right? But- But a nice one.
Ray: Oh, yeah. A good one.
Robert: Not that kind they investigate on the news.
Ray: No. Huh-uh, it's gotta be first-class, you know? It's gotta have flowers and... and a television.
Robert: Yeah, but you know what? She still won't like it. Even if it's a nice, old-age home, she'll still find something to complain about.
Ray: Yeah, true. She'll probably try to escape a lot. Which I think they charge you for.

Ray: Look, I'm just trying to think of what is best for Ma.
Robert: Oh, well, aren't you a saint?
Ray: What?
Robert: 'Course, I can't help but think what would be best for Ma is for her to live out her days in the place where she already spends most of her time.
Ray: Uh, no! No.
Robert: Why? Why? Come on, Raymond. It's perfect. One day she's over at your house, and then she just doesn't leave.
Ray: Huh-uh.
Robert: Yeah, I could drop off her toothbrush and a gallon of Jean Nate, and she'd be all set.

Ray: Wait a minute, Robert. I- I don't think you're taking every factor into consideration. You're forgetting a very special little lady named Debra. You think Ma wants to spend the rest of her life under the same roof with her arch-nemesis? Not likely. But whose wife does she love? Whose wife does she just think is the cat's bananas?
Robert: Look, don't bring our wives--
Ray: Yeah, that's right! It's Amy! Precious little Amy. So, you can put Ma in the middle of that room. As soon as she gets one look at Amy, she's gonna come scamperin' over to you tongue out and tail a-waggin'!