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‘The Bird’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Bird

809. The Bird

Aired November 24, 2003

The Barones spend Thanksgiving in Pennsylvania with Amy's family, Hank (Fred Willard), Pat (Georgia Engel) and Peter (Chris Elliott).

Quote from Pat

Pat: Here we go.
Marie: How's the bird?
Pat: Oh, I took care of it.
Robert: What do you mean?
Pat: You know-- [makes neck twisting gesture]

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Quote from Frank

Marie: Excuse me, but how do you know the bird couldn't be saved? I mean, you're not a veterinarian.
Pat: No, but I have lived in the country my whole life.
Amy: Mom grew up on a farm.
Frank: I bet the chickens slept with one eye open.

Quote from Pat

Hank: It's funny, isn't it, Mother, how city folk react to this type of thing?
Marie: That poor bird was innocently flying around. You kill it, you don't even seem to care.
Hank: It's not that we don't care, Marie. It's just, out here, there are animals all around us, and sometimes you do what has to be done.
Pat: Yes, like when a rodent gets into the root cellar, you don't want to bang it with a shovel... but you do.
Peter: Bong!

Quote from Frank

Frank: You got no right to go around bumpin' off God's creatures willy-nilly.
Hank: Well, let's remember, Frank, God did say, "Let man have dominion over the fish of the sea, and the fowl of the air, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth."
Frank: You creepeth me out.

Quote from Robert

Ally: "Squanto and the Pilgrims became friends, but Squanto's tribe did not like the settlers."
Marie: This is an excellent play.
Ray: "l think we should be friends with the Pilgrims and sign a peace treaty."
Hank: "Yes, we promise to protect your people and treat you with kindness."
Robert: Lies. They're gonna screw us.

Quote from Frank

Frank: That bird was one of God's creatures! The God these people supposedly work for. But apparently, that life didn't mean anything to them. It was just a bird. Well, maybe so, but I happen to think he deserved a lot better than he got.
Pat: [enters] Okay, everyone! Dinner.
Frank: All right! Break me off a leg there!

Quote from Frank

Hank: You know, Frank, I would like to say something to you. It seems to me that you care more about animals than you do about people.
Frank: What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Hank: Well, I've never seen you show as much compassion for any human being as you've just shown for that bird. And even the way you treat each other is appalling.
Amy: Hey, I think I know a couple fellas who could use a nap.
Frank: Listen, pal, we tell it like it is. Somebody's botherin' me, I let 'em know. And, yeah, maybe that's why I like animals, they tell it like it is. Woof! Moo! Quack! That's straight shootin'.

Quote from Pat

Pat: We would never pretend like that. We always try to see the goodness in people. Even when it's very, very hard.

Quote from Frank

Hank: Well, why doesn't everyone have a seat?
Frank: Just point us to the room with the TV.
Hank: Oh, we don't own a TV.
Frank: I don't understand.

Quote from Frank

Marie: You've done this before?
Peter: Sure. All the time.
Amy: Well, only when they hit the house.
Frank: I think if birds keep flying into your house, you gotta warn them somehow.
Peter: Maybe we should just cover the house with mattresses, so the birds bounce off.
Frank: You makin' fun of me, cocoa puffs?

Quote from Robert

Amy: Marie, maybe we should just let the bird thing go.
Robert: Whoa, Amy, look. Let's not get sucked into this. I mean, I'm not taking my family's side.
Amy: Well, of course not. They're acting all nuts.
Robert: They're nuts?
Amy: Well, what would you call it when a man barks and quacks at you?
Robert: My father was barking and quacking because he was upset about the path of death and destruction that your parents have cut through the animal community!
Frank: That's my boy!
Ray: This doesn't happen if you have a TV.

Quote from Robert

Ally: "The Pilgrims invited Squanto's tribe to a big feast. Everyone was happy when the Indian chief arrived."
[Frank steps forward]
Hank: "We're so happy."
Ally: "They exchanged gifts, and the Indian chief embraced the Pilgrim governor." Grandpa, embrace him.
Frank: Look, Ally, sweetie, this was cute and everything, but now it stinks.
Hank: It doesn't stink! This play is a MacDougall family tradition!
Marie: Yes, and we've seen other kinds of traditions your family enjoys.
Amy: Marie, please stop already.
Robert: No no. That's okay. It's important to get everything out in the open. So, tell me, Amy, what else did you
feed that snake, huh? Stray dogs? Hitchhikers?
Amy: Oh, my God.
Robert: Your family scares the hell out of me!

Quote from Robert

Marie: Poor thing. He must've gotten confused or something.
Ray: Hey. Hey, remember Tweety?
Robert: Yeah.
Ray: When we were kids, we had a cockatiel named Tweety.
Robert: I trained him so when I opened his cage, he'd fly right up onto my shoulder. He thought I was a tree.

Quote from Marie

Marie: I happen to agree with my husband. You can't just put on a smile and pretend that people are wonderful.
Frank: Yeah, nobody really-
Marie: I'm talking now, Frank. I have always felt that if I'm going to be a loving human being, I also had to be courageous enough to be honest with people. Being fake helps no one. [Pat looks at Hank] What- W- What is that look?
Pat: It's just- Well, I was thinking about when you said you made two pies in case people didn't fill up on dinner. I don't think you were happy to be spending Thanksgiving with us, but you covered your true feelings with a veiled insult about my cooking. Isn't that fake?
Marie: You killed a bird!

Quote from Frank

Ally: "The first Thanksgiving. The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock in the winter of 1620 Iooking for freedom
and a new life, but things were not easy for them."
Hank: "The winter is so very hard. Many of our people are dying from cold and hunger."
Amy: "But we can't find any food."
Pat: "We don't even know how to catch fish. Whatever will we do?"
Frank: She should try strangling a couple of birds.
Hank: Did anyone hear some savages talking?

Quote from Frank

Pat: You can warm yourselves up with some hot cider.
Frank: Is it spiked?
Pat: There's cinnamon.
Frank: So I drove here for hot juice.

Quote from Marie

Pat: Would you like an appetizer, Marie? They're homemade.
Marie: Oh, that's all right.
Pat: Oh, but I'd love for you to try one. Everyone says you're the best cook there is.
Marie: [smiles] Well, I wouldn't say that. I'd love to try one. [eats] Mmm! I have to say, Pat, that's marvelous.
Pat: Oh, thank you.
Hank: She's been worried about what you were gonna think of her dinner.
Marie: [chuckles] Oh... who cares what I think?

Quote from Peter

Peter: Good day, fair Barones... on this festival of thanks and givingness. [silence]

Quote from Marie

Debra: Sorry we're so late.
Pat: That's all right. Dinner's almost ready.
Marie: I brought pies for after.
Pat: Oh, thank you, Marie.
Marie: I made two, in case people don't fill up on dinner.
Pat: How thoughtful.

Quote from Ray

Ray: You have a radio?
Debra: Ray.
Ray: What? What if- What if the president comes on to say Thanksgiving's been canceled? How are we going to hear that?

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