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‘Driving Frank’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: Driving Frank

302. Driving Frank

Aired September 28, 1998

After Frank hits Robert's police car, Ray and Debra question whether he should still be behind the wheel.

Quote from Frank

Debra: Wait, you're driving without a valid license?
Frank: I didn't want to wait in those long lines! Besides, I kinda like the picture on this one. See, 10 lbs. lighter and more hair.
Debra: This expired last year.
Marie: I am not driving with you until you get that renewed!
Frank: That's incentive? Why couldn't my marriage license expire?

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Quote from Frank

Robert: Now let me see your license!
Frank: Sorry, Sally, I'm fighting this!
Robert: There is black and white on the side of your car!
Frank: I hit a penguin!
Robert: I'm writing the ticket!
Frank: That's Barone! B-a-r-o-n-e! As in the man from whose loins you sprung! By the way, I hope you have someplace else to sleep tonight! Because if you try to come home, I'm gonna have you arrested for breaking and entering! [exits]
Robert: [to Ray & Debra] Does that couch pull out?

Quote from Frank

Frank: See, now there's a line for skeeball. We're screwed!
Debra: Where have you been?
Frank: We ran into traffic.
Ray: It wasn't traffic, Dad. It was a funeral procession.
Frank: One less idiot in the world.
Marie: That's a terrible thing to say. You don't even know the person.
Frank: We met the family. And believe me, the family Van Idiot.

Quote from Frank

Debra: You met them?
Frank: During the fight.
Marie: What fight?
Frank: There was no fight! They didn't want to get their good suits dirty.
Debra: What happened?
Ray: A few people - I don't know, I guess they were the mourners - they got a little upset 'cause we almost caused a pile up when Dad cut off the hearse.
Marie: Oh, Frank.
Frank: What kind of rush is he in? He's dead!

Quote from Ray

Ray: [to Debra] Hold me, please? Oh. You were right. He shouldn't be driving the kids. He shouldn't be driving at all.
Frank: What are you blubbering about?
Ray: You! You! You're a terrible driver!
Frank: I'm a great driver!
Ray: Dad, we almost go hit!
Frank: It was in my blind spot!
Ray: What, a 20-car funeral procession? That's not a blind spot, Dad. That's west!

Quote from Debra

Debra: They gave him a new license?
Ray: Yup! Pretty good picture, too.
Debra: What kind of government is this?! What do you mean they, they just gave your father a new license? They're just giving stuff away over there! My God! All right, hey, I'm gonna go out tomorrow and get my pilot's license. Yes, then I'm gonna, oh, perform a few marriages. Then I'm gonna open a casino!
Ray: Hey while you're at it, get a masseuse's license.
Debra: Why are you just lying there? What are we gonna do now?
Ray: What? What are we gonna do? He's got a shiny new license. Mine expires before his does.
Debra: Okay, just because he slipped through the crack, this incredibly huge crack, doesn't mean he should be allowed to drive. We still have to talk to him.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Big shot cop here wants to give me a ticket!
Robert: I don't want to, I have to!
Frank: End of the month, he's got a quota.
Robert: You hit my patrol car!
Frank: I'm your father! I don't care if I killed a guy! You're suppose to look the other way. Right?
Ray: Dad, whatever you do I wanna look the other way.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Ray? Listen, I've decided I don't want Frank driving the kids anymore.
Ray: What?
Debra: I don't want him driving the kids. Makes me uncomfortable.
Robert: Because of the swearing?
Debra: Because of the driving! He's not a safe driver.
Ray: Yeah, well, I can't tell him he can't drive his own grandkids around.
Debra: Why not? He's too aggressive.
Ray: That's why I can't tell him.

Quote from Marie

Debra: You know, I forgot it was Happy Zone day.
Marie: Every other Saturday. That's what you wanted, wasn't it? A day without the kids so you could catch up on the cleaning? Although, maybe we should do it more often.

Quote from Ray

Ray: No, no. No, I'll tell you what has to be done. What I've been saying all along. All the cars should be made out of Nerf.
Debra: This is your solution?
Ray: Yeah, that's it. No metal, no glass. Crashes are now fun!
Debra: Oh, I see. You really thought this through, huh? What happens to your Nerf car when it rains?
Ray: You ring it out at the light. [scoffs] Rain. The real problem is the wind. My car, ah!
Debra: The real problem is that now your father has the state of New York behind him.
Ray: Yeah well, they better not try to pass him 'cause he'll flip them off.

Quote from Ray

Ray: So if Dad doesn't pay this ticket, is there gonna be a court date? 'Cause I would take off of work for that.

Quote from Robert

Robert: I might just give him a warning.
Ray: Oh, wussy-wus-wus. Come on, you got a chance to get even with this guy!
Robert: I don't know.
Ray: What do you mean you don't know? Remember what he's done to us? Remember "Guess that smell"? Yeah? The killing of the Tooth Fairy? Liver week?
Robert: Liver week was my fault. Would have been one night if I just could have swallowed it.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Dad, what are you-- What are you doing? You didn't look, you didn't signal.
Frank: There was plenty of room!
Ray: This is the kind of stuff that's going to be on the test.
Frank: Ah, they're not going to have that beginner's crap on there.
Ray: Yes, they are. You gotta look in the mirror.
Frank: Yeah, yeah.
Ray: And both hands on the wheel. Both hands. Sit up straight.
Frank: Ah, come on!
Ray: Yes, and you have to signal. Every time.
Frank: There's only one signal you need. Let me find it. Here it is!
Ray: Dad! That's a lady, Dad! Oh great! She's giving it back. Good. That's good. Two fingers before breakfast.

Quote from Frank

Frank: I don't need you telling me how to drive. I taught you.
Ray: Yeah, well, great. I'll use your method. After everything I tell you, I'll just add the word "stupid."
Frank: Fine, then I'll burst into tears. "Don't yell at me! How can I drive when you're yelling at me!"
Ray: I'm trying to help you. Okay? Do you want to pass this test or not?
Frank: Don't worry about me. This whole family's a bunch of pansies. I've been driving for 50 years!
Ray: Yeah, maybe that's enough.
Frank: What's that suppose to mean?
Ray: Nothing.
Frank: Let me tell you something. When I started, you needed skill to drive a car. No automatic transmission. No power steering. No cup holder. Yes, sir, you needed a little muscle, Nancy.

Quote from Debra

Debra: So this doesn't worry you?
Ray: Well look, the thing with my father is he always drove fast and took chances, you know? But he had the moves to back it up. Now...
Debra: He's getting older, Ray.
Ray: Yeah. But he passed the test. And I gotta tell you, I was a little proud of him, you know? 'Cause maybe that means that he's not really that old.
Debra: I know it's hard, you know? Especially when they live right across the street and you see him every day.
Sometimes two, three times a day. And you don't notice they're getting older.
Ray: Yeah. I guess all that time he spends with his head in our fridge keeps him fresh.
Debra: Yeah. You know, sometimes I don't see my parents for three months. And then when I do, it's, whoa, suddenly they're older.

Quote from Ray

Debra: So listen, what about the driving?
Ray: Well, I think we gotta be adults here, you know? And every morning let the air outta his tires.
Debra: No, you're right. We have to be the grown-ups. 'Cause that's what happens. And we're just gonna have to tell him. Can't drive the kids anymore. And he shouldn't be driving at night when the weather's bad. Or anywhere there's people.
Ray: Yeah. While we're at it, why don't we tell him how much TV he can watch? And how much candy he's allowed. And make him tie his retainer to his belt loop with fishing line so he doesn't lose it! He did that to me.
Debra: Well, maybe you'll do better with them than they did with you.
Ray: This driving thing is just the beginning, isn't it?
Debra: Yup.
Ray: Okay, all right! We're the parents now. I tell you one thing. You're giving them the sex talk.

Quote from Robert

Ray: Hey, Robert? Dad look like he's getting old to you?
Robert: Is this a rest home discussion? 'Cause I've got some brochures in my room.
Ray: I mean, what is he now? He's like 66?
Robert: Raymond, the man is gonna live for many, many more years. And you'll feel much better once you make your peace with it.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Debra, Penny's is having a sale on athletic socks. Anybody need socks?
Debra: I think we're good.
Frank: I'm pretty low. We should swing by. And I need to get to the post office before it closes.
Debra: Okay, okay. Whoa, whoa! [car brakes]
Frank: Hey, that moron cut you off!
Debra: All right. It's all right, Frank.
Frank: Hey, hey, wait a- No, you can't be a doormat! Excuse me, honey. Grandpa has something for that man.
Debra: No, Frank! No.
Frank: This is for you, you stupid stinking hump!


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