Debra: Wait, you're driving without a valid license?
Frank: I didn't want to wait in those long lines! Besides, I kinda like the picture on this one. See, 10 lbs. lighter and more hair.
Debra: This expired last year.
Marie: I am not driving with you until you get that renewed!
Frank: That's incentive? Why couldn't my marriage license expire?

Frank: See, now there's a line for skeeball. We're screwed!
Debra: Where have you been?
Frank: We ran into traffic.
Ray: It wasn't traffic, Dad. It was a funeral procession.
Frank: One less idiot in the world.
Marie: That's a terrible thing to say. You don't even know the person.
Frank: We met the family. And believe me, the family Van Idiot.

Robert: Now let me see your license!
Frank: Sorry, Sally, I'm fighting this!
Robert: There is black and white on the side of your car!
Frank: I hit a penguin!
Robert: I'm writing the ticket!
Frank: That's Barone! B-a-r-o-n-e! As in the man from whose loins you sprung! By the way, I hope you have someplace else to sleep tonight! Because if you try to come home, I'm gonna have you arrested for breaking and entering! [exits]
Robert: [to Ray & Debra] Does that couch pull out?

Debra: You met them?
Frank: During the fight.
Marie: What fight?
Frank: There was no fight! They didn't want to get their good suits dirty.
Debra: What happened?
Ray: A few people - I don't know, I guess they were the mourners - they got a little upset 'cause we almost caused a pile up when Dad cut off the hearse.
Marie: Oh, Frank.
Frank: What kind of rush is he in? He's dead!

Ray: [to Debra] Hold me, please? Oh. You were right. He shouldn't be driving the kids. He shouldn't be driving at all.
Frank: What are you blubbering about?
Ray: You! You! You're a terrible driver!
Frank: I'm a great driver!
Ray: Dad, we almost go hit!
Frank: It was in my blind spot!
Ray: What, a 20-car funeral procession? That's not a blind spot, Dad. That's west!

Debra: They gave him a new license?
Ray: Yup! Pretty good picture, too.
Debra: What kind of government is this?! What do you mean they, they just gave your father a new license? They're just giving stuff away over there! My God! All right, hey, I'm gonna go out tomorrow and get my pilot's license. Yes, then I'm gonna, oh, perform a few marriages. Then I'm gonna open a casino!
Ray: Hey while you're at it, get a masseuse's license.
Debra: Why are you just lying there? What are we gonna do now?
Ray: What? What are we gonna do? He's got a shiny new license. Mine expires before his does.
Debra: Okay, just because he slipped through the crack, this incredibly huge crack, doesn't mean he should be allowed to drive. We still have to talk to him.

Frank: Big shot cop here wants to give me a ticket!
Robert: I don't want to, I have to!
Frank: End of the month, he's got a quota.
Robert: You hit my patrol car!
Frank: I'm your father! I don't care if I killed a guy! You're suppose to look the other way. Right?
Ray: Dad, whatever you do I wanna look the other way.

Debra: Ray? Listen, I've decided I don't want Frank driving the kids anymore.
Ray: What?
Debra: I don't want him driving the kids. Makes me uncomfortable.
Robert: Because of the swearing?
Debra: Because of the driving! He's not a safe driver.
Ray: Yeah, well, I can't tell him he can't drive his own grandkids around.
Debra: Why not? He's too aggressive.
Ray: That's why I can't tell him.

Debra: You know, I forgot it was Happy Zone day.
Marie: Every other Saturday. That's what you wanted, wasn't it? A day without the kids so you could catch up on the cleaning? Although, maybe we should do it more often.

Ray: No, no. No, I'll tell you what has to be done. What I've been saying all along. All the cars should be made out of Nerf.
Debra: This is your solution?
Ray: Yeah, that's it. No metal, no glass. Crashes are now fun!
Debra: Oh, I see. You really thought this through, huh? What happens to your Nerf car when it rains?
Ray: You ring it out at the light. [scoffs] Rain. The real problem is the wind. My car, ah!
Debra: The real problem is that now your father has the state of New York behind him.
Ray: Yeah well, they better not try to pass him 'cause he'll flip them off.