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‘The Checkbook’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Checkbook

216. The Checkbook

Aired February 2, 1998

When Debra makes Ray take care of the bills for once, he screws up and needs to borrow money from Robert.

Quote from Debra

Ray: How long are you going to be?
Debra: Depends.
Ray: On what?
Debra: How long it takes to fix what you've done here.
Ray: So, like, a few minutes, right? Listen. I'm really sorry.
Debra: Yeah, I know you are.
Ray: Can I get anything? Do you need any help? Anything I can do at all? Look, shouldn't you just yell at me here or something?
Debra: Ray, when you're on the Titanic, you load the lifeboats. You don't stop to yell at the iceberg.

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Quote from Frank

Frank: How come Robert's got $3,000 to throw around? He should be giving us rent money.
Marie: He's our son, Frank. You don't charge your son.
Frank: He's a giant, Marie. Do you know what it costs just to heat him?
Ray: All right. Thanks for coming.
Frank: Food, too. He's got $3,000, and I'm paying for the Pudding Pops.
Marie: You eat them, too, Frank.
Frank: No more Pudding Pops. And no solid white tuna, either. The chunk light is perfectly fine. I'm not running a country club anymore!
Marie: I like the solid white.
Frank: Too bad!
Marie: It's my one luxury.

Quote from Frank

Marie: I told him she was too pretty for him.
Frank: Thank God I didn't make that mistake.

Quote from Debra

Debra: I will say this.
Ray: Okay. Good. Go.
Debra: You put so much effort into a fake checkbook. Why didn't you take a little of that effort in doing it right in the first place?
Ray: I don't have to sit here and take this.
Debra: No, really. Come on. I want to know.
Ray: It's the numbers. I stink at numbers.
Debra: You wouldn't if they were golf scores. And that's what bothers me the most. It's not that you can't do it. It's just that you won't do it. You're like the kids. They only want to do what's fun.
Ray: And yet, you still love them.
Debra: You know, I hate doing the checkbook, but I do it anyway. And do you know why I do it even though I hate it?
Ray: Because deep down, you really like it.
Debra: No, Ray.

Quote from Andy

Ray: Do me a favor? I've been paying the bills for the last couple of weeks. I got this from the electric company. Take a look at that.
Andy: They're turning off your service.
Ray: Yeah. Why? I don't get it. I paid all this stuff six weeks ago.
Andy: Can I ask you something? Why are you handling the checkbook? Did Debra leave you?
Ray: Uh, Debra, she's made such a big deal about paying the bills. I'm trying to show her it doesn't have to be that complicated.
Andy: Well, no electricity is less complicated. You're like the Amish now.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Hey, Ray. How's it going? What's so important?
Ray: Nothing. Keep your voice down.
Robert: Something's up. I saw you sneaking out of your house at 5:00 in the a.m.
Ray: Stop watching my house. And I wasn't sneaking out. I just, I had to get over to the electric company payment center.
Robert: Why?
Ray: 'Cause those idiots, they shut off my power last night and, you know, I didn't want Debra to wake up without power. She likes toast.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Oh, hey. Write me a check for Sports Illustrated, will you? My subscription ran out.
Debra: Don't they have that at work?
Ray: Yeah, yeah. They've also got bathrooms at work, but I want one at home.
Debra: Come on, Ray, that's a big waste of money.
Ray: Right, everything I want is a waste of money. Like you don't go out and spend hundreds of dollars on... food. Come on, it's a magazine. Don't be so cheap.
Debra: It's not being cheap. It's living within a budget.
Ray: It's a magazine. That's all I want, okay? One thing for me.
Debra: Okay, who's the new golf bag for?
Ray: Ally.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Ray, have you ever even seen our budget?
Ray: There's an actual piece of paper that says "budget" on it?
Debra: You have no idea what I do here, do you?
Ray: Why do I need to know?
Debra: Okay. I'm going to explain it to you.
Ray: Oh, don't. No. You're going to kill the magic.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Okay. Once every two weeks, I go into the hamper, I find your pants and I dig out your paycheck.
Ray: You're welcome.
Debra: I deduct our fixed costs and figure out how much we have to service our debt. Whatever's left over is our discretionary fund. From that, I put away as much as possible for the kids' college growth and income plan. You understand?
Ray: You know, one of your eyes is bigger than the other one.
Debra: You can't even listen to me. You can't even hear about the budget?
Ray: You're making it so complicated.
Debra: What do you mean, I'm making it complicated?
Ray: Yeah, you are. Why don't you just pay the bills? I didn't mean what I said. I didn't mean that. What I meant was, it seems like it should be easier. For you.
Debra: It's going to be a lot easier.
Ray: Okay. I'm sorry.
Debra: No, you're right. I'm making it way too complicated. Just pay the bills.
Ray: All right. I guess I'll have to show you how easy it can be, then. [to Ally] You saw daddy talking. You couldn't stop me?

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, Ray.
Ray: Hey, Andy. Thanks for coming, man.
Andy: [eating hamburger] No problem. I was in the mood for a little botulism.

Quote from Ray

Ray: All right, you're good with numbers. Here. Take a look at this stuff. I paid all these bills. There's no reason they should be sending me mean letters.
Andy: Well, here's a reason. Your check bounced.
Ray: What?
Andy: Wow. You bounced many checks here. You bounced 14 checks, and you were charged $300 in penalties. Excellent work.
Ray: What do you mean? I sent these checks myself.
Andy: Checks that didn't clear, Ray. You might as well have sent little pieces of toilet paper.
Ray: But I make more than enough money.
Andy: Well, mazel tov to you. You're $3,000 overdrawn here. You didn't even open up your bank statement.
Ray: I trusted the bank.
Andy: You didn't reconcile your checkbook.
Ray: Huh?

Quote from Andy

Andy: You have to keep track. Give me that! What did you do here? Why did you pay so much on your Visa card?
Ray: Because I'm not going to pay interest charges. You pay in full, no interest charges.
Andy: That is smart. No money left, either. Look at this. Debra had everything in order.
Ray: Yeah, yeah, Debra, Debra, Debra. All right. I'm sick of this money stuff.
Andy: Just tell me what I have to do. All right. First, you got to take last month's ending balance. Then you add the interest accrued on the account. Then you add all the checks that we know have cleared and then you subtract that number from... Ray, what did I just say to you?
Ray: "Accrued."
Andy: All right, Ray, you had your little fun with mommy's checkbook. Now it's time to give it back to her.
Ray: No. I'm not giving it back to her. Then she's gonna know I couldn't do this.
Andy: Well, she may get an inkling when they cut off your power and tow away your house.
Ray: I don't get it. Look at this. How can it be this bad? It's only been six weeks.
Andy: That's what so shocking.

Quote from Ray

Andy: Ray, you need to put $3,000 in the bank and you're gonna have to tell Debra about this.
Ray: No, I can't.
Andy: Eventually she's gonna see that checkbook.
Ray: You're right. I got to do the smart thing.
Andy: Good.
Ray: I'll make a fake checkbook.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Like that shade?
Ray: Very nice.
Debra: Look at this. Toes. Just a little bit darker than the nails. That's what the woman said was in now.
Ray: What, did you go to the beauty parlor?
Debra: Salon, Grandpa. Yes. And it was great.
Ray: What do they charge for that?
Debra: $20.
Ray: $20? That's like a buck a nail.

Quote from Robert

Ray: Let me ask you something. Remember when you told me that moving in with mom and dad was gonna help you put money away? How's that going for you?
Robert: You're not moving in with us, Raymond.
Ray: What?
Robert: We have a very delicate ecosystem over there.
Ray: I'm not asking to move in, all right? I'm asking about the money part. How's that going?
Robert: Good. I'm saving a little.
Ray: Yeah. Good. I mean, it's smart. A lot of people make fun of a man who lives with his parents but they don't see the upside to that. I mean, it's the financial security.
Robert: That's exactly right. Thank you.
Ray: I envy you, you know, 'cause you're kind of set. Matter of fact, I was gonna ask you if could borrow a little money.
Robert: Oh.
Ray: Just a quick loan.
Robert: Wait. Let's not go too quick here. So, you need my help.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Gambling?
Ray: No.
Robert: Raymond, you're not... [taps nose]
Ray: I'm not doing cocaine, Robert.
Robert: I'm gonna give you a phone number.
Ray: Robert, it's not-
Robert: Just call the number.
Ray: I'm having a little trouble paying this month's bills, that's all.
Robert: Debra know?
Ray: I want to keep Debra out of this.
Robert: You get a lady in trouble?
Ray: No.
Robert: Listen, you can level with me. I'm your brother. You screwed up.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Well, then, why can't Debra find out?
Ray: Because...
Robert: She's the one with the problem?
Ray: Yep.
Robert: Oh, she's not going nuts with the credit cards, is she? I've seen it before. Compulsive shopping. Rip a family apart.
Ray: Yeah, I know. She feels bad about it already, so let's just...
Robert: Wow!
Ray: Yeah.
Robert: I had no idea she was like this.
Ray: It was a surprise to me.
Robert: You know what she needs? She needs to get her self-worth back. She should get a job and earn back part of that money.
Ray: I thought of that, and then I started thinking, "What about the kids?" I mean, they need their mother.

Quote from Ray

Ray: So, what do you think? Can you help us?
Robert: Sure. Of course. $3,000 enough?
Ray: Yeah, it's good.
Robert: What about you, Ray? How you doing? Do you need anything?
Ray: No, no, no. I'm fine. You know, this isn't about me.

Quote from Marie

Marie: ls there anything you want to tell us?
Ray: No. Like what?
Frank: Like, how come there's a $3,000 check in there?
Ray: Robert!
Marie: Why are you taking money from your brother?
Ray: Keep it down.
Marie: Why didn't you just come to us? I would love to help Debra with her problem.
Ray: He told you about that?
Marie: At least he talks to his mother.

Quote from Frank

Ray: I don't want Debra to hear this.
Marie: Well, maybe Debra should hear. I see the way she dresses. And takes these little trips to the mall so that "the kids can get out." How long has she been out of control?
Ray: Not that long.
Marie: Doesn't she handle your checkbook?
Ray: No. Not anymore.
Frank: That's good. Cut her off cold turkey. You don't give a boozer the key to the liquor cabinet.

Quote from Frank

Debra: So just give me a check.
Ray: Check?
Debra: Yeah. I'll just stop at the bank and cash it on the way.
Ray: All righty.
Marie: A blank check?
Debra: Ooh, maybe I'll swing by Tiffany's. See you later. [exits]
Frank: My God. A blank check. You're dumber than I tell people.

Quote from Debra

Ray: I know. I know, 'cause you're an adult. And if it wasn't for you, all this would be a big smoking crater. And l...
Debra: What?
Ray: I appreciate what you do here.
Debra: You know, you've never said that before.
Ray: Sure, I have. Remember our wedding night?
Debra: Well, it was very nice both times that you said it. Maybe you could say it a little more often.

Quote from Ray

Ray: I appreciate you.
Debra: Wait a minute. It's not a "get out of jail free" card. We're not done here. Get back here. Now, look. I've gone through your checkbook and I've gone through your fake checkbook. And it's just not adding up.
Ray: Yeah. You know what that might be?
Debra: A third checkbook?!
Ray: I, uh, accidentally bounced a check in the fake one.
Debra: What check did you bounce?
Ray: I don't know which one. It might've been... [lights go out] Yeah, that was it.

Quote from Marie

Marie: You know what happened to me, today?
Debra: What?
Marie: I got a new credit card in the mail, but I think it may be counterfeit.
Debra: Really?
Marie: Yes. Would you mind if I compared yours against mine?
Debra: Sure, no problem. This one? [After Debra gives Marie the card, she hands it to Frank, who cuts it up] What the hell are you doing?
Marie: You'll thank us later, dear.


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