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‘The Visit’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Visit

305. The Visit

Aired October 19, 1998

When Debra's mother Lois (guest star Katherine Helmond) comes to stay, Debra starts to wish she was more involved with the family... like Marie.

Quote from Ray

Debra: God. I was so excited about her coming to visit, you know? I had this big wild fantasy. "Oh, my mother's coming. It's gonna be so nice."
Ray: Yeah, well, welcome to the club.
Debra: What club?
Ray: The Your-Mother-Comes-Over-And-It's-Not-So-Nice Club. And I'm not just a member. I'm also the president.

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Quote from Debra

Lois: Well, perhaps we should talk about this later. This really isn't the time, Debra.
Debra: Oh, that's right. This is your vacation. You gotta do your crossword, then take a siesta, then you got to run off to see Renoir!
Lois: Well, I'm sorry, Debra. I just don't know what you want from me.
Marie: [to Geoffrey] Oh here, honey. Let me get that for you.
Debra: You know what I want? I want you to be a part of the family! I want you to help! Or I want you to at least want to help, okay? I want you to be more like... [points to Marie] like her!

Quote from Marie

Marie: What you said just now, I have to admit, it came as quite a shock.
Debra: To me too.
Marie: I mean to stand there in front of everyone and tell them you wished your own mother was more like me? That- That I'm the mother you wish you had? That is what you were trying to say, weren't you?
Debra: Well, I, maybe...
Marie: I mean after all these years to find out what you- What you really think of me. You know, you were a little rude, dear.
Debra: What?
Marie: You can't talk to your mother like that. No matter what she's done, she's still your mother.

Quote from Marie

Debra: Yeah, but I just wanted her to be apart of the family. It's been one day and already she's-
Marie: But she's not doing anything.
Debra: No! That's right, she's not doing anything. Nothing! Not a thing!
Marie: What do you want her to do?
Debra: I don't know. Just help me. Help the kids. Get involved. I mean, she should know! She's a mother!
Marie: Yes, dear, but she's not mother-ish. She's a nice lady but, she's not mother-ish. She's not the kind of mother we are.
Debra: We?
Marie: See, I'd like to think that whatever it is you didn't get from her, whatever it is you learned about what it really means to be a mother, that maybe you got that from me. [Debra chuckles faintly] It's funny, isn't it? How life gives you what you need.
Debra: [chuckles] Oh, you gotta love life.

Quote from Ray

Lois: [sees Frank and Marie staring through the window] Oh, my.
Debra: I don't believe it. I told them not to come over tonight.
Lois: Well, why would you do that?
Debra: Because it's your first night here and I wanted it to be just us.
Lois: I hope you didn't offend them, Debra.
Ray: No, they don't really get offended in the human sense.

Quote from Lois

Lois: You know, Debra, I'm glad I'm not staying at a hotel. Because being here with you is giving me a chance to see what a great mom you are.
Debra: Really?
Lois: Really.
Debra: Well, thank you.
Lois: And you, you like the cleaning and the cooking and the running around after the kids, huh?
Debra: You know, I guess I do. [both laugh]
Lois: I don't know where you get it from. [Marie smiles at them]

Quote from Lois

Ray: [clears throat loudly] How's that water? That's good water, right?
Lois: Water? Mm. Yes, it's fine.
Debra: Ray?
Ray: Well, it's New York water. She's from Connecticut. Where they don't get the, the New York water there.
Lois: I'll tell you where they have the most delightful water. We were hiking in Switzerland.
Debra: Mmm.
Lois: And just as we reach the Jungfrau, we saw this lovely stream. They call it a wasserfluss.
Ray: I'm out.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Come on, you know you never say her name?
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: It's always, "Hey... you there." Just call, call her Lois.
Ray: No, I can- I can't call her by a name. She's a mother. She outranks me.
Debra: Then call her Mom.
Ray: No, no, no.
Debra: Ray, she would love that. Come on.
Ray: No! That wouldn't feel right. "Hi, how was your trip, Mom?" Mom. Mom.
Marie: [enters] Hi!
Ray: Wow! That- That is powerful. Let me try something. Xena, Warrior Princess. Xena, Warrior Princess.

Quote from Ray

Debra: This is all your fault!
Ray: What?
Debra: She is taking a nap because she doesn't feel like a part of this family because you haven't said two words to her all day!
Ray: That's not true! I did! I did! I even, I said Lois. I called her Lois. You didn't hear me?
Debra: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I heard it. That was real natural. You sounded like Jerry Lewis. "Lo-ho-ho-is!"
Ray: Yeah, well, I told you, you shouldn't force me to do it.
Debra: And by the way, how many times have I said we need more guest towels around here?
Ray: Oh, I know what's going on here. You care way too much about what your mother thinks. Hey, take some advice from me, okay? You gotta cut the apron strings.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Uh, it's for you. You. [pokes Lois with the phone antenna] Uh, he's says it's the Great White Hunter.
Lois: Oh! [giggles] That Warren. [takes the phone] Hi, dear. How's Zimbabwe?
Robert: Zimbabwe?
Marie: He says he's on safari.
Frank: That's a lot of crap, safari. That's just an excuse to see topless native broads.
Robert: Are they really topless?
Frank: No, they just pop them out to get into National Geographic!

Quote from Ray

Ray: So he's in Africa, huh? I saw this thing on the Discovery Channel once where there were tribes that communicated, like [clicks tongue]... I didn't see the whole special. I just saw a little bit of it.

Quote from Lois

Debra: I'm sorry I snapped at you. I just-
Lois: Oh, honey. You don't have to apologize to me. I'm the one that's sorry. I know I'm not good at certain things.
Debra: No, no. You're right. This is your vacation.
Lois: No, I mean I- I've never been good at those things. You know, when you were growing up...
Debra: No, Mom, you did other things. We always spent a lot of time together. You know, you took me to museums and the theater. And we traveled. You opened up the whole world to me, you know?
Marie: And that's important.
Debra: Marie, would you mind?
Lois: What, dear?
Debra: A little privacy.
Lois: Uh, Debra?
Debra: Please?
Marie: Well, why don't I just go clean? Also important.

Quote from Ray

Debra: I want everything to look nice for her visit.
Ray: You know where it's really nice? In that hotel she usually goes to. Little chocolates and dirty movies. It's paradise there.
Debra: No, no, I want her to stay with us for a change. And you know, Ray, sometimes a mother can actually be someone that you enjoy spending time with.
Ray: No she can't.
Debra: Well, that's because yours, like, lives on top of us. I want my mother to have a chance to be a part of this family too. And I want you to make her comfortable.
Ray: I'm not rubbing her feet.
Debra: How about just calling her by her name? Huh?
Ray: Okay, I'll rub her feet then.

Quote from Lois

Debra: So, Mom? Did you like the park? Wasn't that great?
Lois: Yes, it was a delight. Except for all the screaming.
Debra: Yeah, well, you know. Kids are gonna do that.
Lois: I meant Raymond.
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: There was a bee.

Quote from Ray

Ray: What does she gotta go wash off for? She sat on the bench all day with her crossword puzzle.
Debra: Well, Ray, she likes to keep her mind sharp.
Ray: Yeah, well, if it was my mom at the park...
Debra: What are you saying?
Ray: Nothing. Just that my mom might be better in certain circumstances than someone else's mom.

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