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‘The Can Opener’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Can Opener

402. The Can Opener

Aired September 27, 1999

Ray and Debra unload about an argument they had over a can opener.

Quote from Robert

Robert: So, trouble in paradise?
Debra: Oh, no, it's just that... Eh, why would you wanna hear me complain about Ray?
Robert: Perhaps we haven't met. I'm Robert Barone.

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Quote from Frank

Frank: Ray, I am gonna give you the secret to marital bliss.
Marie: After you give it to him, why don't you let me in on it?
Frank: You see, son, when your mother got pregnant with Robert, the hormones turned her into a nutcase. She'd cry for no reason. Two seconds later, she'd want to cuddle. She was, like, demented.
Marie: That's not true.
Frank: Sure it was. You were always grabbing at me.
Marie: I was pregnant with a 14lb baby. I needed help getting up.
Frank: Nonetheless. Did it bother me? No. Because you cannot get upset with a crazy person. I decided from that day on to never waste time trying to understand your mother. I just accept she's insane.
Marie: I must be.

Quote from Marie

Marie: I'll tell you what jar of fat. It was beautiful. It was fat from pancetta and golden brown sausage. You'd have to be a cook to understand. But it was months of carefully selecting only the best drippings to prepare meals for Il Duce.
Frank: Yeah, you made all those meals just for me and then you went out jogging.
Marie: That was my kitchen! You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat!
Frank: That jar was for my coins. I needed that!
Marie: You're selfish!
Frank: Fat collector!
Marie: Oh, you never appreciated me ever! Never! You never ever appreciated me! I would work my fingers to the bone all day with the kids with the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry, and then you'd waltz in with your list of demands and not even a thank you.

Quote from Frank

Frank: You wanted a thank you? Where was my thank you?! I waltzed in, huh?! I dragged my ass home every day after 10 hours stuck in a suit, stuck in an office, stuck in a car. And if I needed coins to pay the tolls that got me to that job, that paid for that meat, that made that fat, then I'll dump it out whenever I want and I don't care what you say! [Ray jumps in the air]
Marie: That's right. You don't care. You have never cared about how hard I work just to serve you.
Frank: Hey, I don't have to care. That's your job!
Ray: Whoa.
Robert: [licks his finger to get the last drop of Pepto Bismol] On the other hand, sometimes it can be about the can opener.

Quote from Marie

Marie: You've got milk spots.
Ray: How can you tell it's milk from over there?
Marie: It's what I do.
Marie: What did the children get you?
Ray: No. Debra.
Marie: Well, of course. If you don't know your way around a kitchen these things are bound to happen. Go sit down. Eat.
Frank: You don't clean up my spots.
Marie: Your spots? I could squeeze out your shirt and make soup.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Morning, Deb. Here's your paper.
Debra: Thanks, Robert.
Robert: I just stopped by Mom and Dad's for some coffee, but I couldn't take all the... Mom and Dad.
Debra: Here. You can have Ray's.
Robert: Oh, thanks. There's a vibe over there that gives me I can't describe it. Searing abdominal cramps.
Debra: Why do you keep going over there?
Robert: Good coffee.
Debra: How's this, huh?
Robert: Well, when you when you factor in the vibe here, the whole package is good.

Quote from Marie

Ray: Nothing. She just she went all nuts over a can opener.
Frank: Can opener?
Marie: Oh, poor Raymond. Nothing good comes from a can. Go on. Go ahead. Tell me.
Ray: Nothing. I don't know what I did wrong. I mean, I come home in a good mood like usual.
Marie: Well, of course, dear. You were always a happy child.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Raymond, I'm glad you're still here. I have something that might fix everything.
Debra: What do you mean?
Ray: Everything's fine, Ma.
Debra: What is it, Marie? What is it?
Marie: It's just one of my old ones. It's the kind that actually works.
Debra: Ray?
Marie: Oh. It's all right, dear. We all make mistakes.

Quote from Frank

Robert: Now you listen to me. We happen to have an opportunity here for some real personal growth through active dialogue. [Frank snores] Stop it, Dad! Now, the two of you have to just come out and say what's really bothering you underneath and get it out in the open and deal with it. Because if there is one thing that I have learned in my years of experience with domestic disputes, it is this it's never just about the can opener.
Frank: Yeah, sometimes it's about a jar of fat.
Marie: How could you mention that?
Frank: I'll mention it. You went nuts over nothing.
Marie: I had every right to go nuts with you for a husband.
Frank: Don't go nuts, just go.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Hey, Ray.
Ray: Robert. Out of milk.
[After Ray throws an empty carton in the trash, Debra pulls an opened carton out of the fridge and forcefully hands it to Ray, spilling milk on his shirt]
Ray: You did that on purpose.
Debra: You wanted milk.
[After Ray cleans himself off, he leaves the kitchen while Debra slams the fridge shut]
Robert: I've got to buy myself a coffee-maker.

Quote from Marie

Marie: I don't know how Debra can let you go to work like that.
Ray: She doesn't care.
Marie: What's that, dear?
Ray: No, nothing nothing.
Marie: What? You can talk to me. I'm your mother. Please, talk to me.
Ray: Nothing nothing. It's just... [groans]
Marie: What?
Frank: What? Can't you read the signs? Nothing. It's just... [groans] He's married.
Marie: Oh. What did she do?

Quote from Ray

[Ray's telling:]
Ray: Hi! [kisses Debra] How was your day?
Debra: Everything's fine.
Ray: Great. What's for dinner?
Debra: I haven't made you anything yet, Ray. Can you wait?!
Ray: Fine. I'll make my own dinner. [whistles] Mmm, tuna fish. Where is that can opener?
Debra: It's in the drawer.
Ray: What?
Debra: The can opener is in the utensil drawer!
Ray: Righty-o! Ahh.
Debra: Yeah, I bought a new one.
Ray: Oh, did we need a new can opener?
Debra: It's better! Okay? It cuts from the side so there's no sharp edges.

Quote from Ray

[Ray's telling:]
Ray: Was there something wrong with the other can opener?
Debra: There's nothing wrong with this can opener.
Ray: No, nothing's wrong, honey. I mean, I would have preferred the tuna on bread, but, you know, it's just as delicious right out of the sink!
Debra: This is the can opener I bought, okay, Ray? Because it's better, it's not stupid, and I'm not stupid!
Ray: What'd I say?

Quote from Robert

Debra: It's just that sometimes he's such a jerk!
Robert: Given. Details?
Debra: Last night, okay? The kids are a mess. I'm trying to hold everything together.
Robert: You're the glue, Debra. Everyone knows that.

Quote from Debra

[Debra's telling:]
Ally: I'm gonna run away.
Debra: No, don't run away. Oh, Mommy would miss you so much. Yes, she would. Come on, sit sit sit. Let's eat. Hey, Daddy's home! Hi, Ray.
Ray: Yeah.
Kids: Hi, Daddy.
Ray: How was your day?
Debra: Oh, gosh. Actually...
Ray: Great. What's for dinner?
Debra: Um, I haven't had time to make you anything yet, Ray. If you could just wait.
Ray: Fine. I'll make my own dinner. Again. [slams cupboards] Mmm, tuna fish. Son of a... Where's the can opener?
Debra: Uh, it's in the drawer.
Ray: What?
Debra: The can opener's in the utensil drawer.
Ray: Right. [shuffles the utensils loudly]
Debra: Here. See? I bought a new one.

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