Robert: So, trouble in paradise?
Debra: Oh, no, it's just that... Eh, why would you wanna hear me complain about Ray?
Robert: Perhaps we haven't met. I'm Robert Barone.

Frank: Ray, I am gonna give you the secret to marital bliss.
Marie: After you give it to him, why don't you let me in on it?
Frank: You see, son, when your mother got pregnant with Robert, the hormones turned her into a nutcase. She'd cry for no reason. Two seconds later, she'd want to cuddle. She was, like, demented.
Marie: That's not true.
Frank: Sure it was. You were always grabbing at me.
Marie: I was pregnant with a 14lb baby. I needed help getting up.
Frank: Nonetheless. Did it bother me? No. Because you cannot get upset with a crazy person. I decided from that day on to never waste time trying to understand your mother. I just accept she's insane.
Marie: I must be.

Marie: I'll tell you what jar of fat. It was beautiful. It was fat from pancetta and golden brown sausage. You'd have to be a cook to understand. But it was months of carefully selecting only the best drippings to prepare meals for Il Duce.
Frank: Yeah, you made all those meals just for me and then you went out jogging.
Marie: That was my kitchen! You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat!
Frank: That jar was for my coins. I needed that!
Marie: You're selfish!
Frank: Fat collector!
Marie: Oh, you never appreciated me ever! Never! You never ever appreciated me! I would work my fingers to the bone all day with the kids with the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry, and then you'd waltz in with your list of demands and not even a thank you.

Frank: You wanted a thank you? Where was my thank you?! I waltzed in, huh?! I dragged my ass home every day after 10 hours stuck in a suit, stuck in an office, stuck in a car. And if I needed coins to pay the tolls that got me to that job, that paid for that meat, that made that fat, then I'll dump it out whenever I want and I don't care what you say! [Ray jumps in the air]
Marie: That's right. You don't care. You have never cared about how hard I work just to serve you.
Frank: Hey, I don't have to care. That's your job!
Ray: Whoa.
Robert: [licks his finger to get the last drop of Pepto Bismol] On the other hand, sometimes it can be about the can opener.

Marie: You've got milk spots.
Ray: How can you tell it's milk from over there?
Marie: It's what I do.
Marie: What did the children get you?
Ray: No. Debra.
Marie: Well, of course. If you don't know your way around a kitchen these things are bound to happen. Go sit down. Eat.
Frank: You don't clean up my spots.
Marie: Your spots? I could squeeze out your shirt and make soup.

Robert: Morning, Deb. Here's your paper.
Debra: Thanks, Robert.
Robert: I just stopped by Mom and Dad's for some coffee, but I couldn't take all the... Mom and Dad.
Debra: Here. You can have Ray's.
Robert: Oh, thanks. There's a vibe over there that gives me I can't describe it. Searing abdominal cramps.
Debra: Why do you keep going over there?
Robert: Good coffee.
Debra: How's this, huh?
Robert: Well, when you when you factor in the vibe here, the whole package is good.

Ray: Nothing. She just she went all nuts over a can opener.
Frank: Can opener?
Marie: Oh, poor Raymond. Nothing good comes from a can. Go on. Go ahead. Tell me.
Ray: Nothing. I don't know what I did wrong. I mean, I come home in a good mood like usual.
Marie: Well, of course, dear. You were always a happy child.

Marie: Raymond, I'm glad you're still here. I have something that might fix everything.
Debra: What do you mean?
Ray: Everything's fine, Ma.
Debra: What is it, Marie? What is it?
Marie: It's just one of my old ones. It's the kind that actually works.
Debra: Ray?
Marie: Oh. It's all right, dear. We all make mistakes.

Robert: Now you listen to me. We happen to have an opportunity here for some real personal growth through active dialogue. [Frank snores] Stop it, Dad! Now, the two of you have to just come out and say what's really bothering you underneath and get it out in the open and deal with it. Because if there is one thing that I have learned in my years of experience with domestic disputes, it is this it's never just about the can opener.
Frank: Yeah, sometimes it's about a jar of fat.
Marie: How could you mention that?
Frank: I'll mention it. You went nuts over nothing.
Marie: I had every right to go nuts with you for a husband.
Frank: Don't go nuts, just go.

Robert: Hey, Ray.
Ray: Robert. Out of milk.
[After Ray throws an empty carton in the trash, Debra pulls an opened carton out of the fridge and forcefully hands it to Ray, spilling milk on his shirt]
Ray: You did that on purpose.
Debra: You wanted milk.
[After Ray cleans himself off, he leaves the kitchen while Debra slams the fridge shut]
Robert: I've got to buy myself a coffee-maker.