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‘The Model’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Model

821. The Model

Aired May 10, 2004

Robert is "discovered" by a modeling agency while collecting Chinese food.

Quote from Ray

Amy: Sorry we took so long, but listen to this. While we were waiting for our order in the bar, Robert got discovered!
Debra: Oh, what do you mean?
Ray: Discovered as in, "Hey, I found Bigfoot"?

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Quote from Frank

Marie: We noticed your lights were on.
Amy: Guess what?
Marie: What?
Amy: Robert signed with a modeling agent.
Frank: All right, what's the punch line?
Robert: No joke, Dad. William Dennison of the William Dennison Modeling Agency felt that I had potential as a model, and, uh, I've decided to fulfill it.
Marie: Oh, Robert, that's wonderful! Oh! Even as a baby, you were always a looker.
Frank: I always thought he was more of a "Look at that."

Quote from Ray

Amy: No, really! This modeling agent came over to us and said Robert had an interesting look. He said he should come in for a meeting. Here's his card.
Debra: Robert, this is terrific. You should call him.
Robert: Ah, come on. The guy was probably drunk.
Ray: Yeah. Or blind. Or- Or mentally-
Robert: Okay, let's just go with blind and drunk! All right, Raymond?

Quote from Robert

Ray: Are you sure this is the right place?
Robert: Yes. Yeah, yes. I don't get it. Yesterday, there were all these people here. And- And I went over here to sit, and this is where the lady was who helped me, and then this was William's office over here. And they said, "Go do your pictures." I came in here. I met Herbert. And then after that, I went over here. And then I said, "Okay. Thank you very much. I'll come back to get 'em." And then l- I left, and l- I don't know.
Ray: So, basically, what you're saying is the most attractive woman I'm gonna see today is you.
Robert: I don't know what happened. Even the light bulbs are gone. It- It's like a con job.
Ray: How could it be a con job? I mean... Oh, don't tell me you paid the guy to represent you.
Robert: No. I only paid for the pictures. I paid for the pictures.
Ray: Oh man. How much?
Robert: $1000.
Ray: $1000? Are you nuts?
Robert: It would've cost me a lot more with one of those outside guys!

Quote from Robert

Robert: How can I calm down? Do you know what this means? I've been conned, and I'm a cop. I'm a conned cop!
Ray: All right. So why don't you just track the guys down, and you throw 'em in jail?
Robert: Yeah, sure. I can just imagine the headlines: "Giant Cop is Giant Schmuck!"

Quote from Robert

Ray: Look, you just tell them that you decided that this career was not for you. You're too much of a man.
Robert: Okay. But, see, they're expecting pictures. Amy knows I paid $1,500.
Ray: I thought you said $1,000.
Robert: I lied, okay, Raymond?! I'm a moron!
Ray: All right, so we'll get some new pictures made.
Robert: No, I can't. That was my last $2,000.
Ray: $2,000?!
Robert: I know!
Ray: Well, $2,000? What were these, pictures or sculptures?

Quote from Ray

Ray: No, Robert. This is what they want. God forbid you should feel good about yourself. This family is so negative, and I'm sick of it!
Marie: It's not him. It's the photos.
Ray: It's you! And you! And you, and you, and even you!
Robert: You're losin' me, man.
Ray: All of you. You're giver-uppers and put-er-downers.
Debra: Ray, where you going?
Ray: I know some sports people, and they do some modeling and have agents, and I'd like a second opinion. So you can all just stay here in your little suburban suburbia where everything is in focus and nobody's head is cut off! [exits]
Robert: Raymond really believes in me.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Okay. Here it is, nice and hot. You're gonna wish you ordered more egg rolls, Raymond.
Ray: Why?
Robert: 'Cause I ate 'em in the car.

Quote from Robert

Amy: Come on, Robert. Aren't you a little bit intrigued?
Debra: Yeah. What if he wasn't any of those things?
Robert: Well, he must've been all those things, or he would've given his card to the real beauty in the restaurant. My Amy.
Amy: Oh, my handsome model.
Robert: Yeah.
Ray: Aw! How am I gonna eat now?
Robert: You know, you could kiss your wife once in a while.
Debra: Let's eat.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Hello. I'm here to see William Dennison.
Receptionist: What's your name?
Robert: Bobby Barone.
Receptionist: Who?
Robert: Robert Barone.

Quote from Robert

William Dennison: Hey, Robert. Have a seat. Glad you could make it.
Robert: Are you sure about all this? Because, you know, I'm not much of a looker in the, uh, sober light of day. Am I right? I mean, you saw me at a Chinese restaurant. They're not exactly known for their lighting. So I totally understand if...
William Dennison: Robert! Robert, relax. We're just talking.
Robert: Okay.
William Dennison: So, how tall are you?
Robert: Uh, I'm 6'8" and a half, but I can schlump to 6'5".
William Dennison: No, no. Actually, one of the toughest things to find is someone who's tall who also photographs well. Most of the guys your height are... Well, they're more like circus freaks.
Robert: So I'm not a circus freak?
William Dennison: I'm not saying you're a cover model. But what we do here is more on the pages between the covers, where the advertisers want character faces to sell everything from new cars to headache medicines.
Robert: Oh, yeah. I could be the headache guy. I get headaches all the time. You should meet my family.

Quote from Robert

William Dennison: Just because I think you have a good look doesn't mean the advertisers are going to agree. But you never know.
Robert: Interesting. When you say "never know"...
William Dennison: Well, you may never book anything. Or you may book a few print jobs.
Robert: And what would something like that pay?
William Dennison: A couple thousand dollars. But I also have my top people out there doing commercials, and they're pulling down 100, 150 grand a year.
Robert: I'm in!

Quote from Robert

William Dennison: What I'd like to do is send you out a couple times, see what kind of reaction we get.
Robert: Okay. Great!
William Dennison: Yeah.
Robert: Yeah. Oh, hey, let 'em know I'm not afraid to go green.
William Dennison: Excuse me?
Robert: Go green. You know, in case they want me to sell vegetables.
William Dennison: Oh.
Robert: And people also tell me I have a good voice in case they want me to talk in any of the ads. "This is CNN."
William Dennison: Let's just focus on print ads for the time being, hmm?

Quote from Robert

William Dennison: First thing you're gonna need to do is go out and get some headshots to start your portfolio. Here are the names of some photographers other people here have used, or you could use our in-house guy.
Robert: That's sounds grrrreat! Tony the Tiger. I- I didn't know if that guy died already or anything. I thought they might, you know... Maybe they need a new tiger.

Quote from Ray

Amy: Oh my God! You guys are not going to believe this! Okay, Robert!
Robert: Hey.
Amy: He went to the agency, they signed him as a client. He already had his photo session with Herbert, and they're gonna start sending 'em out right away.
Ally: Why is Uncle Robert standing like that?
Robert: Well, Ally...
Amy: Because my husband is a model.
Ray: And sometimes models wear tight underwear.
Debra: Stop it, Ray. Robert, I just think that's terrific. I have always said that you were handsome.
Ray: And then we would laugh and laugh and laugh.

Quote from Robert

Robert: No, you know, actually, I'm not gonna go for the stereotypical, boring good-looks thing. I've got more of a character face.
Frank: Like The Wolf Man?
Robert: No. Maybe more like someone who gets paid to represent a major aspirin company.
Ray: Okay. All right. I'm gettin' the "major ass" part.
Robert: That was "Headache Guy."

Quote from Frank

Debra: I think that was great, Robert. Do another one.
Frank: No. Enough! I don't like this! I didn't raise no male models.
Marie: Oh, Frank.
Robert: That's all right. I expected just such a reaction. Guess it goes with the territory. That's why they pay us the big bucks.
Amy: They say he could potentially make 100,000 a year.
Frank: Holy crap! Shut up, paint your face, and start swingin' it downtown.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Hey, Dad, you could make some money. You could be "Hemorrhoid Guy."
Frank: Make me an offer!
Marie: Nobody wants to see your father.

Quote from Ray

Marie: Robbie, maybe you can find something for Raymond. There must be a cute-and-adorable department.
Debra: All right, can we just all let Robert have his moment?
Robert: That's all right, Debra. I don't mind spreading my good fortune. Ray, if you want, I could introduce you to Mr. Dennison when I pick up my pictures.
Ray: That's okay, Robert. One delusional person in the family is enough.
Marie: Oh, Robbie! I can't wait to see your picture in all the magazines!
Ray: Make that two delusional people.

Quote from Ray

Frank: So, there are a lot of good-lookin' broads down there?
Robert: Dad, please. Those are my colleagues.
Ray: Yeah, Dad. So, any of these colleagues Swedish?
Debra: Ugh, Ray.
Ray: I'm interested in my brother's life. And Europe.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Look, you made a mistake. That's all. Come on. Let's go home.
Robert: No. No, I can't. How do I face Amy and Mom and Dad? They think I'm a model!
Ray: Nobody thinks that.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hey. You know what? I got a camera. So- So we'll take some pictures, and we'll show 'em to everybody, and-and then then you quit "the business" because you wanted to spend more time with your family. And we're done.
Robert: Yeah? You'll help me?
Ray: Yeah, why not?
Robert: Thank you. You're a good brother.
Ray: Yeah. And I'll only charge you $1,100.

Quote from Robert

Ray: You ready?
Robert: You mean this is where we're doing it? In the basement? It's supposed to look like a $2,000 picture.
Ray: Just stand up against the backdrop. It's very nice.
Robert: You mean your bedspread? It's like a porn shoot.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Just put the camera down. Put it down!
Ray: What? Come on. Those are great action shots.
Robert: I need you to wait until I pose first.
Ray: Then pose already. Hurry up.
Robert: I will be starting with "Headache Guy."
Ray: All right. You're kidding me?
Robert: This is what we do. Just take it.
Ray: Looks more like "Jock-ltch Guy."
Robert: I need that one, too.

Quote from Ray

Ray: All right. This is not working.
Robert: Why not?
Ray: You're not believable as a person.
Robert: Oh yeah, Avedon? You know what? It just so happens that Herbert said I was a joy to photograph!
Ray: Herbert didn't have any film in the camera!

Quote from Ray

Robert: You're right. I'm such a dope.
Ray: Hey, hold it. That's good. Right there! That's the perfect "Anti-Depressant Medication Guy."
Robert: Hey, Raymond, don't, okay? Just forget it.
Ray: You got a very expressive face. You can always tell what's in your head.
Robert: Yeah?
Ray: Not that. That's too happy. We don't want that.

Quote from Robert

Ray: Think happy thoughts.
Robert: I got nothin'.
Ray: Remember when Dad got his arm stuck in the vending machine?
Robert: That was funny.
Ray: Yeah. How about when Mom was talking and the moth flew in?
Robert: Keep going.
Ray: Uh, remember when I almost got fired?
Robert: You almost got fired?
Ray: There you go! There you go! Hold it.
Robert: Why did you almost get fired?
Ray: I don't know, but Debra almost left me.
Robert: Oh, you are good at this.

Quote from Ray

Frank: You didn't pay money for these, did you?
Ray: What are you talking about?
Amy: Well, Robert, I think you're very handsome, but these pictures are kind of... lousy.
Ray: What?
Marie: I agree with Amy. You're a beautiful boy, Robbie, and these photos don't do you justice.
Debra: Yeah, they're kind of out of focus.
Ray: They're not out of focus. Show me where they're out of focus. In fact, I don't know anything about photography, but these are the best pictures I've ever seen.
Debra: Well, what about this one? The top of his head's cut off.
Ray: They're going for something. Open your mind!
Frank: Open the trash and throw these in!

Quote from Ray

Robert: You know, actually, I'm glad you feel this way because to tell you the truth, I'm leaning towards not pursuing this anymore.
Marie: Oh.
Robert: What?
Amy: Why? No.
Robert: Well, I really can't put my finger on it, but I think that this agency might not be right for me.
Debra: Well, they certainly set you up with a bad photographer. Looks like they gave the camera to a monkey.
Ray: Enough! [takes the photos back]
Frank: What's with you?
Ray: You people! Why do you always got to run down Robert and his dreams?

Quote from Ray

Robert: Hey, look, will you relax? We're just here to pick up the pictures.
Ray: But we're gonna see some real models, right? I didn't come down here to see "PMS Lady" or "Laxative Girl."
Robert: All right, look. Just don't do anything to embarrass me.
Ray: Don't worry. I'm gonna keep my mouth shut. Except for when I'm going "Wowee!"


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