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‘The Author’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Author

506. The Author

Aired October 30, 2000

Ray is disappointed when his book deal falls through, just as Robert gets some good news.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Hey, those are my Bugles.
Ray: Good thing your mother's here.
Robert: Yeah, right.
Frank: A whole box of Bugles.
Marie: Look at this carpet. And the lamp! This is why we can't have nice things! Everybody makes a mess, and I have to fix it up! All the time. Great, all the time.
Robert: Oh, oh, oh! My back! My back! My back!
Ray: Oh, my neck thing.
Frank: You two idiots. I hope you're happy! I have to eat Funyuns now! Marie, Funyuns!

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Quote from Debra

Ray: Where have you been for the last hour?
Debra: I told you I was going to the store.
Ray: What, they make you lock up?
Debra: Excuse me?
Ray: How can I write when this whole place is crawling with doodie-heads?
Debra: Oh, were they noisy? Gosh, when I'm alone with them, they just sit in the corner and read the Bible.
Ray: Listen, come here. Sit down for one second, please. Just sit down. I want to tell you something. I need help, okay? I'm under the gun here to finish a chapter, so I was wondering if you could kind of pick up the slack here till I'm done.
Debra: My whole life is picking up the slack.

Quote from Ray

Debra: You want me to go camping without you with all the kids?! Are you insane?
Ray: All right, it's a little extra slack, I know.
Debra: Yeah, listen! You waste time for over a year, and then you expect me to suffer so you can finally start getting serious.
Ray: Well, hey, you don't think I'm going to suffer? I'm sacrificing the most precious thing of all time with my children, huh? You don't think I've got "Cat's in the Cradle" playing up here?
Debra: I think you got two monkeys and a yo-yo playing up there.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Hi. Oh, you're all muddy.
Debra: What are you doing, Ray?
Ray: All right, listen. I know what you're thinking.
Debra: Really? Then why aren't you protecting yourself?

Quote from Frank

Marie: Hi, Robert. You want some angel food cake and chocolate sauce?
Robert: Of course. Listen, I have some news that, uh-
Frank: Hey, how come he got so much chocolate sauce?
Marie: You got the same amount.
Frank: No, no, no. Look at all that chocolate sauce. You told me I couldn't have more chocolate sauce, 'cause you didn't have enough, huh? I get two drops and he gets a river. It's a lake! Look how much he gets. How do you explain that? What, are you messing with my head?
Marie: Well, I can't mess with your hair.

Quote from Debra

Debra: You're going straight to bed? You're not gonna watch TV or read or anything?
Ray: Can't write, why should I read? I mean, what's the point? Really, huh? What is the point?
Debra: Are you finished?
Ray: If you're referring to my writing career.
Debra: All right, all right. Look, honey, I know you feel bad and I'm sorry your book's not coming out. But you got a great job and a family who loves you.
Ray: That's what you always say.
Debra: Oh. Okay, fine. That's it. I'm done. You just mope away, Mopey.
Ray: Hey, look. You don't understand.
Debra: I understand.
Ray: No.
Debra: I know you want to write a book and you will. You can dedicate it to your ex-wife who couldn't take your crap any longer.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Yeah. You just don't want me to be an author, that's what it is. 'Cause there'll be a book tour, then the groupies.
Debra: Now there's a sad bunch of women.
Ray: Yeah. Sad but happy, if you know what I mean.
Debra: I don't know what you mean.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Listen, while we're gone, you work.
Ray: Yes. Right. Absolutely.
Debra: Yes? You do not play golf. You do not watch TV.
Ray: Right, right. No fun.
Debra: No, I'm not kidding, Ray.
Ray: I know, no kidding. No fun, I promise. Stop looking at me.
Debra: And you know, if you break that promise, I'll know.
Ray: I know you'll know. And then then you'll have to punish me.
Debra: Oh, I'll punish you.
Ray: Oh yeah?
Debra: Seriously, Ray, I'll hurt you.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Hi, welcome back, Debra. How was your camping vacation?
Debra: What's going on?
Frank: Ah, camping. That's great. Hey, what did you use for toilet paper?
Debra: Toilet paper.
Frank: Then it wasn't really camping. I could tell you a story-
Debra: Okay, that's all right, Frank.

Quote from Marie

Ray: No, no. Listen, listen. I finished, okay? I ended up working through the night and I finished the first chapter. And then this morning, I was able to knock off the second, and then I just- I faxed it over to the guy.
Marie: Raymond worked very hard so he could get it all done, so he could have some time to relax, like you.

Quote from Marie

Ray: That was my agent. He said the publisher read my stuff and they decided they don't want me to write the book.
Debra: Oh, Ray, I'm sorry.
Marie: I don't understand. What happened?
Ray: I don't know, Ma. Guess they didn't think it was good.
Marie: Were there spelling errors?
Frank: It's the Yankees. How can you screw that up?
Ray: I don't know.

Quote from Ray

Ray: All right. That's great. Great, funny. Why don't you share a laugh over that with your boyfriend Robert.
Debra: Oh, right. So that's it. Robert. That's what this is all about.
Ray: No! Did you see him yesterday? Just flaunting his big news right in the middle of my horrible time.
Debra: He didn't flaunt it, Ray. We practically had to force him to tell us.
Ray: Oh, yeah. Did you force that big, stupid smile on his huge clown face?
Debra: You're nuts.
Ray: Yeah, and then then you go shower him with fancy gifts.
Debra: It was a sweater, and it's from both of us.
Ray: Yeah, well, I hope it's itchy 'cause that's the part from me.

Quote from Ray

Debra: You know Robert never gets anything and the one time that he does, what do you do? You slam the table and you walk out of the room, you big baby.
Ray: Yeah, I'm a baby, and you're a baby-marrier. All right, I slammed the table. So?
Debra: All right, here's what's going to happen. You're going to go over there tomorrow and congratulate Robert on his success. So at least you can look in the mirror and maybe see an adult.
Ray: At least I don't see what Robert sees when he looks in the mirror a stupid giant with a new sweater that looks like yarn... vomit. I can't even write my own talk.

Quote from Robert

Ray: Hey, what are you doing?
Robert: Hey, I'm watching golf. Mom and Dad aren't here, and I found Bugles.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Hey, we should go golfing again soon.
Robert: Sure.
Ray: That was fun the last time. What'd you shoot?
Robert: 93.
Ray: Oh. That's right 'cause I think I shot an 83. I was 10 strokes better than you. Hey, if you want, the next time we go I can give you some pointers on your putting.
Robert: And I can give you some pointers on your drives.
Ray: Then we'll go golfing then.
Robert: Yes, we will.

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