Frank: Hey, those are my Bugles.
Ray: Good thing your mother's here.
Robert: Yeah, right.
Frank: A whole box of Bugles.
Marie: Look at this carpet. And the lamp! This is why we can't have nice things! Everybody makes a mess, and I have to fix it up! All the time. Great, all the time.
Robert: Oh, oh, oh! My back! My back! My back!
Ray: Oh, my neck thing.
Frank: You two idiots. I hope you're happy! I have to eat Funyuns now! Marie, Funyuns!

Ray: You've been rubbing it in my face this whole time!
Robert: Yeah, like you haven't been doing that to me for the past 40 years.
Ray: Oh, how long are you going to sing that song, huh?! You've been acting like a jerk! Why don't you just admit it?!
Robert: Oh, yeah? I'm a jerk? Who was the one who instead of saying, "Hey, I'm happy for you, brother," threw a hissy fit and stormed out of the room?
Ray: Hey, for your information, if you remember, I said, "Great!" Okay? All right? And if I was upset, I had a reason to, okay? 'Cause you waited until my lifetime dream got crushed before you made your big announcement!
Robert: Oh yeah? How'd it feel? 'Cause you know what? I hope it felt really bad.
Ray: Oh, you do, huh? You do?
Robert: Yeah, I do! I hope it felt the same way you make me feel every time you prance over to Mom and Dad's to tell them about one of your great accomplishments!
Ray: Hey, if I do that, it's because up until now, nobody else had accomplishments!
Robert: Well, now someone does! And that's got to be killing you, huh, Ray?
Ray: Shut up!
Robert: You know, 'cause I was thinking, Ray, that a lot of books get published that suck. So for your book not to get published... Woo, that's got to be off-the-charts suck.

Ray: Where have you been for the last hour?
Debra: I told you I was going to the store.
Ray: What, they make you lock up?
Debra: Excuse me?
Ray: How can I write when this whole place is crawling with doodie-heads?
Debra: Oh, were they noisy? Gosh, when I'm alone with them, they just sit in the corner and read the Bible.
Ray: Listen, come here. Sit down for one second, please. Just sit down. I want to tell you something. I need help, okay? I'm under the gun here to finish a chapter, so I was wondering if you could kind of pick up the slack here till I'm done.
Debra: My whole life is picking up the slack.

Debra: You want me to go camping without you with all the kids?! Are you insane?
Ray: All right, it's a little extra slack, I know.
Debra: Yeah, listen! You waste time for over a year, and then you expect me to suffer so you can finally start getting serious.
Ray: Well, hey, you don't think I'm going to suffer? I'm sacrificing the most precious thing of all time with my children, huh? You don't think I've got "Cat's in the Cradle" playing up here?
Debra: I think you got two monkeys and a yo-yo playing up there.

Ray: Hi. Oh, you're all muddy.
Debra: What are you doing, Ray?
Ray: All right, listen. I know what you're thinking.
Debra: Really? Then why aren't you protecting yourself?

Marie: Hi, Robert. You want some angel food cake and chocolate sauce?
Robert: Of course. Listen, I have some news that, uh-
Frank: Hey, how come he got so much chocolate sauce?
Marie: You got the same amount.
Frank: No, no, no. Look at all that chocolate sauce. You told me I couldn't have more chocolate sauce, 'cause you didn't have enough, huh? I get two drops and he gets a river. It's a lake! Look how much he gets. How do you explain that? What, are you messing with my head?
Marie: Well, I can't mess with your hair.

Debra: You're going straight to bed? You're not gonna watch TV or read or anything?
Ray: Can't write, why should I read? I mean, what's the point? Really, huh? What is the point?
Debra: Are you finished?
Ray: If you're referring to my writing career.
Debra: All right, all right. Look, honey, I know you feel bad and I'm sorry your book's not coming out. But you got a great job and a family who loves you.
Ray: That's what you always say.
Debra: Oh. Okay, fine. That's it. I'm done. You just mope away, Mopey.
Ray: Hey, look. You don't understand.
Debra: I understand.
Ray: No.
Debra: I know you want to write a book and you will. You can dedicate it to your ex-wife who couldn't take your crap any longer.

Ray: We are like idiots. We have to stop this. You know, Debra's right. This competing it's stupid. And your feet stink.
Robert: I don't want to compete with you, man.
Ray: No, seriously, your feet, you can't smell that?
Robert: Why are we like this? Where does this come from?
Ray: I don't know.
Marie: [enters] Look at this place. I just want to say something. You disappoint me, the both of you.
Ray: Sorry, Mom.
Robert: I'm sorry too.
Marie: And you especially, Robbie.
Robert: Me? Why?
Marie: Why? Because you should know better! You're the older one.
Ray: It's true. You should set an example.

Ray: Yeah. You just don't want me to be an author, that's what it is. 'Cause there'll be a book tour, then the groupies.
Debra: Now there's a sad bunch of women.
Ray: Yeah. Sad but happy, if you know what I mean.
Debra: I don't know what you mean.

Debra: Listen, while we're gone, you work.
Ray: Yes. Right. Absolutely.
Debra: Yes? You do not play golf. You do not watch TV.
Ray: Right, right. No fun.
Debra: No, I'm not kidding, Ray.
Ray: I know, no kidding. No fun, I promise. Stop looking at me.
Debra: And you know, if you break that promise, I'll know.
Ray: I know you'll know. And then then you'll have to punish me.
Debra: Oh, I'll punish you.
Ray: Oh yeah?
Debra: Seriously, Ray, I'll hurt you.