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‘Who's Next?’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: Who's Next?

720. Who's Next?

Aired April 14, 2003

After one of Marie's friends dies, she admits the deceased was the woman she "picked" for Frank if she should die first.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Shame on you! This lady dies, and this is all she gets?
Frank: Hey, Marie, you two weren't that close. What are you takin' it so hard for?
Marie: Because she was the one, Frank. She was the one I picked for you.
Frank: What?
Marie: I wanted you to be with Rose Caputo.
Linda: Kinky neighborhood.
Marie: Years ago, I decided to pick someone to replace me if I died before you.
Frank: What do you mean? To marry me?
Marie: Yes. Someone to make you happy after I was gone.
Frank: Oh, that's nice, Marie, but, uh... I think I'd be happy enough.

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Quote from Debra

Debra: I picked someone to replace me.
Ray: Yeah? Who?
Debra: Margaret Stevens.
Ray: Who?
Debra: The kids' preschool teacher. I think she's perfect for you.
Ray: Perfect?! She's gotta be She's old enough to be my mother!
Debra: I thought you would like that.
Ray: Oh! Ho ho. Yeah. How about I replace you with somebody nice?

Quote from Ray

Ray: How about Robert?
Debra: What?
Ray: Well, I was thinkin' about it, and if I died, I'd pick Robert to replace me. What's the matter? Too tall?
Debra: No! He's your brother, and he's marrying my best friend.
Ray: Well, you didn't like it when I said Bernie, so I gave it some real thought, and knowing you as a person, or whatever, I... You know, I think I came up with a good choice Robert no?
Debra: No. It's- I don't even want to think about it, it's too creepy.
Ray: It's not creepy. Here's how it would happen: The four of us are in Robert's car, we get in an accident, and Amy and I die.
Debra: That's not creepy?
Ray: No. The beauty of it is, the way I figure it, Robert feels so guilty about his driving, he's rendered impotent. Yeah. Otherwise, it would be weird.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Celebrity or real person?
Marie: A real person.
Frank: Male or female?
Marie: Female.
Frank: Give me a second here. I'm usually pretty good at this.
Debra: Marie, this is sick. Who is it?
Marie: Rose Caputo.
All: Oh!
Frank: Damn it, Marie, I was gonna say her!

Quote from Ray

Linda: Did Mrs. Caputo know you picked her to be with Frank?
Ray: If she did, it woulda killed her sooner.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Look, I don't care who you picked for me. I would never shack up with Rose Caputo. There's a big sea out there with much better-lookin' fish.
Marie: Oh, really, Frank? Uh-huh. And who are you fishing for?
Frank: Never mind.
Marie: Who, Frank? Harriet Lichtman?!
Frank: All right, then. Harriet Lichtman.
Marie: I would never pick Harriet Lichtman for you.
Frank: Why, because that might make me happy?
Marie: You disgust me!
Frank: I don't disgust Harriet Lichtman.
Marie: Don't you talk to me anymore!
Frank: Oh, Harriet! I could-
Marie: Oh! Hey! Get Harriet to make you dinner!
Frank: Hey, I'm only kidding, Marie! Make me dinner!

Quote from Debra

Debra: What's with the big smile? What are you thinking about?
Ray: What? I'm I-I guess I'm thinkin' about the kids and how happy they'll be with Linda.
Debra: You're picturing her naked, aren't you?
Ray: No, no, no! No.
Debra: I know she has a good body.
Ray: She does? Well, I never noticed.
Debra: Oh, you are so so full of it! I'm not even dead yet, you're already fantasizing about having sex with Linda.
Ray: I am not! Come on, how can you say that?
Debra: 'Cause I know that dorky face you're so typical! All you care about are boobs and butts.
Ray: I couldn't care less about butts!

Quote from Frank

Frank: Aw, come on! Make a shot, you moron!
Ray: Dad, come on. The kids.
Debra: Ray, Bernie and Linda just pulled in.
Frank: Big stupid stinkin' hump! You're a hump! Hump!
Ray: Dad. Bernie and Linda are here for dinner, so it's time to go home and yell at your own TV.
Frank: Dinner? What are ya havin'?
Ray: We're having a big bowl of "Get outta my house, old man."
Frank: All right. I find you very rude.

Quote from Marie

Linda: Hi, Marie.
Ray: What's the matter, Ma?
Linda: Guess who died.
All: Oh.
Debra: Oh, Marie. Who?
Marie: Guess.
Ray: Ma, nobody wants to play this game.

Quote from Ray

Bernie: That's too bad. She's a very nice lady who lives in the neighborhood.
Debra: She was the older lady at the end of the block, right? Oh, she was nice.
Ray: Yeah.
Bernie: She made good pies, too. I like pie.
Ray: She was a nice lady. Hmm. All right, let's eat.

Quote from Marie

Debra: I don't understand, Marie. You actually thought about who Frank should be with after you're gone?
Marie: Of course. He needs a wife. He can't even boil an egg! I mean, if I go, how's he gonna boil an egg?

Quote from Marie

Marie: It's too bad.She was perfect. Oh, by the way, the viewing hours are the next three nights at Cannizaro's funeral home.
Ray: Oh is it gonna be an open casket?
Frank: For Rose Caputo? I hope not.
Marie: Have some respect, Frank.
Frank: How about some respect for the truth? She wasn't exactly a looker.
Ray: Ma, look, how could this happen, anyway, okay? What about her husband? Isn't George still alive?
Marie: Yes. But the man is supposed to go first.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Hello.
Ray: Hello.
Debra: So who would you pick for me if you died first?
Ray: And you say I'm bad at foreplay.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Come on, Ray. I'm just curious. If you died, who would I get?
Ray: Come on, now you're thinkin' like my mother?
Debra: No. But, you know, you've got to admit in her own weird way it was kind of a loving, care-taking thought.
Ray: Or is it a way to control my father from the grave?

Quote from Ray

Debra: Come on, Ray. Who would you pick for me?
Ray: No. Why? Why do we have to do this?
Debra: It's just an interesting game. It will show how well you know me, how much you understand me. Just play, just play. Who would you pick to replace you?
Ray: I consider myself irreplaceable.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Relax. Relax. I was kidding about Margaret. I picked a good person for you.
Ray: Really. You know what? Don't tell me, okay? I've had enough fun.
Debra: Linda.
Ray: Linda? Hmm. Linda.
Debra: See? Didn't I make a good choice? Aren't I thoughtful?
Ray: Yes. Yes, you are.
Debra: Yeah. She's the same age as me, she's smart, she's funny, good values.
Ray: Excellent values.

Quote from Ray

Debra: All right, you're right. I guess I'm being a little silly. All right, it's okay. So who would you pick for me?
Ray: Oh. Are you even gonna need somebody? I mean, couldn't you just get a cat?

Quote from Ray

Ray: All right. Ugh... Okay, well, how 'bout if I get Linda, then you get Bernie?
Debra: Bernie?
Ray: Yeah. What? It's perfect.
Debra: Bernie?
Ray: Wait a minute. I know what this is about.
Debra: What?
Ray: He's fat.
Debra: That is not the reason!
Ray: Yes, it is. There's no reason you shouldn't be attracted to Bernie except for all the extra Bernie.
Debra: I don't even think he's that fat.
Ray: Oh, yes he is! Look, he knows it. We make fun of him all the time! We call him "blimpy, Hindenbernie, fat boy." He doesn't care, he's our friend. Our fatty-fat friend.
Debra: Is that why you picked him for me? So I wouldn't be attracted to him?
Ray: You see? You admit it! You are shallow.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Oh, I almost forgot. Linda called this morning. She had to cancel our date tonight. Bernie was up all night with a terrible stomach flu. He slept on the bathroom floor.
Ray: Stomach flu? That's a lot of flu with that stomach.

Quote from Robert

Amy: We're so sorry for your loss, Mr. Caputo.
Robert: You know, Mrs. Caputo will always have a special place in my heart. When we were kids, she would always call us over for her home-baked apple pie. And she would always cut me a slice just a little bit bigger than Raymond's. She was a beautiful person.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Come on, Frank.
Frank: Look at her. That's who you picked for me?
Marie: Sit down, dear.
Frank: Is that picture before or after?

Quote from Debra

Marie: George. Oh, George, I am sorry. I am so sorry.
George: Thank you for coming, Marie.
Marie: How old was she?
George: 82.
Marie: 82. So young. So young!
George: I know, Marie. And I'll tell ya somethin' you two should enjoy every moment you have with each other.
Debra: [to Ray] That shut 'em up.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Hey, Bernie. I thought you were sick.
Bernie: Me? I'm healthy as a horse. You're the sick one.
Ray: I'm not sick.
Linda: You spent the whole night on the bathroom floor.
Ray: I thought you spent the whole night on the bathroom floor.
Bernie: Who told you that?
Debra: Hey, a wonderful lady is in a box over there.

Quote from Ray

Bernie: So you tell people I sleep on the bathroom floor? If you didn't wanna see us, you could have just said so.
Linda: Did we do something to offend you?
Debra: No no! Not at all.
Bernie: Then, why?
Ray: I think I can explain it.
Debra: I think you shouldn't, Ray.
Ray: Debra's jealous.
Bernie: Jealous of what?
Ray: Of Linda.
Debra: Ray.
Linda: And me.
Bernie: What?!
Debra: No, it's not like that.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Remember the other night when my parents were talkin' about future spouses? Well, Debra and I got into it. And she picked Linda for me and I said, "Fine." She couldn't take it.
Debra: Because he wouldn't wipe that stupid look off his face.
Bernie: You were picturing her naked, weren't you? Bernie! That's what all guys do they see a woman, they picture her naked.
Linda: Oh, yeah? You picture Debra naked?
Bernie: Huh? No! No more than you picture Ray naked!
Ray: Eww!
Bernie: "Eww"?
Debra: Yeah, that's right. I would never picture Bernie naked.
Bernie: It's because I'm heavy, isn't it? No, I know have trouble with weight. I happen to have a glandular problem.
Ray: I picked you for her, but she didn't want you.
Debra: Ray, would you stop saying that?!

Quote from Ray

Linda: Debra decided that if she dies, Ray should be with me.
Bernie: And Ray picked me for Debra, but apparently I'm too fat!
Debra: That's not true, Bernie!
Robert: Did Debra even consider me?
Amy: Hey, I'm right here!
Ray: Don't worry about it, Amy. Robert wasn't good enough for her either.
Amy: What's wrong with Robert?
Funeral Director: Excuse me. You're gonna have to lower your voices.

Quote from Frank

Marie: I'm not gonna tell you again you stay away from my husband!
Frank: Marie, we were just talking!
Marie: No, you weren't just talking you were picturing her naked!
Frank: Get outta my head, woman!
Marie: Let me tell you something, Frank. I don't care what your dreams are, you are never gonna find yourself in the arms of Harriet Lichtman!
Frank: And let me tell you something, Marie. I don't care how many plans you make, I wouldn't be caught dead with Rose Caputo! [gasps]
[As Frank and Marie head for the door, Amy, Robert, Linda, Bernie, Debra and Ray follow them]
Ray: [to George] Thanks. We had a good time.

Quote from Robert

Robert: So who would you pick for me?
Amy: Robert, I don't want to do this.
Robert: Come on. Just for fun.
Amy: We're not even married yet and you want to know who can replace me?
Robert: I picked somebody to replace me.
Amy: Oh, yeah? Who?
Robert: Well, what about Raymond?
Amy: Ray?!
Robert: Ah, that's my girl!


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