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‘Who's Next?’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Who's Next?

720. Who's Next?

Aired April 14, 2003

After one of Marie's friends dies, she admits the deceased was the woman she "picked" for Frank if she should die first.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Shame on you! This lady dies, and this is all she gets?
Frank: Hey, Marie, you two weren't that close. What are you takin' it so hard for?
Marie: Because she was the one, Frank. She was the one I picked for you.
Frank: What?
Marie: I wanted you to be with Rose Caputo.
Linda: Kinky neighborhood.
Marie: Years ago, I decided to pick someone to replace me if I died before you.
Frank: What do you mean? To marry me?
Marie: Yes. Someone to make you happy after I was gone.
Frank: Oh, that's nice, Marie, but, uh... I think I'd be happy enough.

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Quote from Debra

Debra: I picked someone to replace me.
Ray: Yeah? Who?
Debra: Margaret Stevens.
Ray: Who?
Debra: The kids' preschool teacher. I think she's perfect for you.
Ray: Perfect?! She's gotta be- She's old enough to be my mother!
Debra: I thought you would like that.
Ray: Oh! Ho ho. Yeah. How about I replace you with somebody nice?

Quote from Ray

Ray: How about Robert?
Debra: What?
Ray: Well, I was thinkin' about it, and if I died, I'd pick Robert to replace me. What's the matter? Too tall?
Debra: No! He's your brother, and he's marrying my best friend.
Ray: Well, you didn't like it when I said Bernie, so I gave it some real thought, and knowing you as a person, or whatever, I... You know, I think I came up with a good choice Robert no?
Debra: No. It's- I don't even want to think about it, it's too creepy.
Ray: It's not creepy. Here's how it would happen: The four of us are in Robert's car, we get in an accident, and Amy and I die.
Debra: That's not creepy?
Ray: No. The beauty of it is, the way I figure it, Robert feels so guilty about his driving, he's rendered impotent. Yeah. Otherwise, it would be weird.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Celebrity or real person?
Marie: A real person.
Frank: Male or female?
Marie: Female.
Frank: Give me a second here. I'm usually pretty good at this.
Debra: Marie, this is sick. Who is it?
Marie: Rose Caputo.
All: Oh!
Frank: Damn it, Marie, I was gonna say her!

Quote from Ray

Linda: Did Mrs. Caputo know you picked her to be with Frank?
Ray: If she did, it woulda killed her sooner.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Look, I don't care who you picked for me. I would never shack up with Rose Caputo. There's a big sea out there with much better-lookin' fish.
Marie: Oh, really, Frank? Uh-huh. And who are you fishing for?
Frank: Never mind.
Marie: Who, Frank? Harriet Lichtman?!
Frank: All right, then. Harriet Lichtman.
Marie: I would never pick Harriet Lichtman for you.
Frank: Why, because that might make me happy?
Marie: You disgust me!
Frank: I don't disgust Harriet Lichtman.
Marie: Don't you talk to me anymore!
Frank: Oh, Harriet! I could-
Marie: Oh! Hey! Get Harriet to make you dinner!
Frank: Hey, I'm only kidding, Marie! Make me dinner!

Quote from Debra

Debra: What's with the big smile? What are you thinking about?
Ray: What? I'm I-I guess I'm thinkin' about the kids and how happy they'll be with Linda.
Debra: You're picturing her naked, aren't you?
Ray: No, no, no! No.
Debra: I know she has a good body.
Ray: She does? Well, I never noticed.
Debra: Oh, you are so so full of it! I'm not even dead yet, you're already fantasizing about having sex with Linda.
Ray: I am not! Come on, how can you say that?
Debra: 'Cause I know that dorky face you're so typical! All you care about are boobs and butts.
Ray: I couldn't care less about butts!

Quote from Frank

Frank: Aw, come on! Make a shot, you moron!
Ray: Dad, come on. The kids.
Debra: Ray, Bernie and Linda just pulled in.
Frank: Big stupid stinkin' hump! You're a hump! Hump!
Ray: Dad. Bernie and Linda are here for dinner, so it's time to go home and yell at your own TV.
Frank: Dinner? What are ya havin'?
Ray: We're having a big bowl of "Get outta my house, old man."
Frank: All right. I find you very rude.

Quote from Marie

Linda: Hi, Marie.
Ray: What's the matter, Ma?
Linda: Guess who died.
All: Oh.
Debra: Oh, Marie. Who?
Marie: Guess.
Ray: Ma, nobody wants to play this game.

Quote from Ray

Bernie: That's too bad. She's a very nice lady who lives in the neighborhood.
Debra: She was the older lady at the end of the block, right? Oh, she was nice.
Ray: Yeah.
Bernie: She made good pies, too. I like pie.
Ray: She was a nice lady. Hmm. All right, let's eat.

Quote from Marie

Debra: I don't understand, Marie. You actually thought about who Frank should be with after you're gone?
Marie: Of course. He needs a wife. He can't even boil an egg! I mean, if I go, how's he gonna boil an egg?

Quote from Marie

Marie: It's too bad.She was perfect. Oh, by the way, the viewing hours are the next three nights at Cannizaro's funeral home.
Ray: Oh is it gonna be an open casket?
Frank: For Rose Caputo? I hope not.
Marie: Have some respect, Frank.
Frank: How about some respect for the truth? She wasn't exactly a looker.
Ray: Ma, look, how could this happen, anyway, okay? What about her husband? Isn't George still alive?
Marie: Yes. But the man is supposed to go first.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Hello.
Ray: Hello.
Debra: So who would you pick for me if you died first?
Ray: And you say I'm bad at foreplay.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Come on, Ray. I'm just curious. If you died, who would I get?
Ray: Come on, now you're thinkin' like my mother?
Debra: No. But, you know, you've got to admit in her own weird way it was kind of a loving, care-taking thought.
Ray: Or is it a way to control my father from the grave?

Quote from Ray

Debra: Come on, Ray. Who would you pick for me?
Ray: No. Why? Why do we have to do this?
Debra: It's just an interesting game. It will show how well you know me, how much you understand me. Just play, just play. Who would you pick to replace you?
Ray: I consider myself irreplaceable.

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