Ray: Let me tell you something: My father had a system. AIS. When we were kids and we were going on a car trip, he would set a time. "We're leaving 9:00! AIS!"
Debra: "AIS"?
Ray: "Ass in seat." If anyone's ass was not in their seat at the designated time, that ass was left behind.
Debra: So, in the fall, did you have to set your ass back an hour?

Ray: Every single time we go out, you make me wait.
Debra: What? That's not true.
Ray: That's every single time. You know how I hate being late. It makes me very anxious. I get all ugh-eh inside.
Debra: Well, Ray, if I'm late, maybe it's because the government requires that one of us tends to the children.
Ray: Oh, don't give me that. The children are nowhere near you when you're up here... [mimes putting on make-up]
Debra: You are one ugly woman.
Ray: Blaming the children. You were doing this to me before we were married. You'd make me wait in your apartment while you were getting ready and I had to sit there and look at your... books.
Debra: You know, you used to think I was worth waiting for.
Ray: You were worth waiting for. But after 15 years, you should be here by now.

Bernie: Where's Debra?
Ray: Debra? Oh, uh, I left without her.
Andy: What do you mean?
Ray: She wasn't ready on time, so I left.
Bernie: So is she coming?
Ray: Perhaps. She's a licensed driver, she's got access to a car. Everything she needs to get here when she's good and ready. [to a passerby] Hey, how you doing?
Andy: I don't know anything about women, but isn't this gonna make er mad?
Ray: It shouldn't. We had a deal, the time was set, she didn't make it. Goodbye. Bacon-wrapped shrimp!

Ray: When I'm waiting in the car and you're up here la-di-dahing, it's perfectly clear that you don't care about me.
Debra: Oh, okay, Ray, I'm sorry that it feels that way to you, but I promise that is not what's going on.
Ray: Yeah, yeah.
Debra: No, really. I mean it. What time are the ESPY Awards tomorrow?
Ray: Oh, no. That's right. The ESPY Awards. You're gonna do it again, aren't you? You're gonna make me late for my favorite night of the year.
Debra: I don't wanna be late for it either. I've been looking forward to this night all year long, too. I even bought a great new dress.
Ray: Oh! A new dress! Please! Let me just save us time right now, okay? The shoes go perfect and it makes you look skinny. Okay? So, please, could you just put it all on now and go sleep in the car?

Ray: I was just trying what Dad used to do.
Frank: Oh, I never did that.
Ray: What are you talking about? You did it to us all the time.
Frank: Yeah, you and Robert, but I would never do that to the wife. That's just suicide.
Ray: You never AlS'd Mom?
Marie: He's still here, isn't he?

Amy: Maybe we should all go.
Robert: [shushes] Where were we?
Ray: Oh, just shut up, okay? You're not perfect!
Robert: Never said I was, but I'll tell you what I do say: I am more than happy to wait for my wife. And I'm sure that Amy will attest to the fact that I have waited for her plenty of times with nary a peep.
Amy: When have I ever made you wait?
Robert: Well, no, no. You know, we always get to wherever we're going on time. But when it's time for us to leave, you always like to talk to everybody one last time... because you're so sweet and sociable. So it takes you a little longer to go. But- But it's cute, honey, what you do. A- A- And when anyone asks me why am I just standing at the door doing nothing, I tell them, "I'm waiting for my wife. She's on her goodbye tour." And everybody laughs.
Amy: The Goodbye Tour? You have a name for it?
Robert: A funny name. [faint chuckle]

Frank: Who went to the stupid, boring opera with you? Which, by the way, we were late for because it takes you an hour to paint your face!
Marie: That was for Placido.
Frank: A mime troupe outside the theater tried to sign her up.
Marie: If I'm so much trouble, I'm never gonna go anywhere with you again. [exits]
Frank: This evening turned out pretty well after all. [to Ray] Good luck to you.

Ray: They're messed up, huh? Yeah it's funny how everybody sort of has the same stuff going on, right? I like your earring. [laughs] All right. Okay, look... Maybe I shouldn't have left, but we had a deal. It was 6:30. All right, I didn't know that your hair got all snaggled up in your curling pole, and I left. I left, and- And that was wrong. But you know what?! You- You- It's always something. You say you don't mean to be late, but you always are. Now, I think that we're gonna look back and we're gonna see that what happened tonight was a step forward in our relationship. And- And even though you're the one who broke our agreement, I brought you this lovely sports-theme bouquet. Now, I'm glad we could just put this whole matter behind us.
Debra: I'd like to talk about this more upstairs.
Ray: Okay. [walks up a few stairs] Okay. Are you coming?
Debra: I'll be up in a minute.
[After Ray glumly marches upstairs, Debra sits down the couch, turns the TV and chuckles to herself. Sometime later, Debra is asleep on the couch, while a nervous Ray lets out a whimper as he sits waiting at the foot of the bed]

Ray: Hey, I'm outside waiting in the car for 20 minutes!
Debra: [o.s.] Coming!
Ray: You know, you don't have to do your hair. I married you already.
Debra: [o.s.] I'll be down in a minute.
Ray: Yeah, yeah. Your minute, it's a half an hour. That's why the kids can't tell time.
Debra: [o.s.] I said I'll be right down!
Ally: We can tell time.
Ray: I know, I know, I know. Hey, come on. We're gonna miss the previews.
Ally: You know, we're not stupid.
Ray: I know. I know. Come on! You know I need my seat by the aisle!
Ally: It's 7:23.
Ray: Don't tell me, tell your mother. Hello?!

Debra: He left? [Robert nervously nods]
Amy: I can't believe this! You don't just drive off and leave a person.
Robert: Hey, Debra, you want me to drive you over there?
Amy: Yes, Robert will drive you over there. Come on, Deb. Don't let this ruin your big night out. Oh, look at you all dressed up. You're like a beauty queen. Isn't she like a beauty queen?
Robert: Yes. Like, um... an angry Miss New York.
Amy: And I love your shoes.
Robert: Yes, mighty fine kicks you have there, mighty fine. And your hair is nicely accessorized.
Amy: Why would Ray do something like this?
Robert: I've been saying it for 40 years: he's a terrible person.