Marie: Okay, yes! Frank and I succumbed to temptation once. Just once before we were married. I was weak and I fell for your father's boyish good looks. That was a long time ago. I knew we shouldn't do what we did, but we were in love. Right, Frank?
Frank: I wanted sex. It was a long time ago.
Debra: So, it was just the once, and then you got married?
Frank: It was just the once, and then we had to get married.
Marie: Frank, no!
Ray: Whoa, whoa, whoa. "Had to get married"? Wait. Wait a minute. So, Robert's...
Robert: What? Oh!
Marie: All right. It's true. We got married after I found out I was pregnant. And then Robbie came along seven months later.
Frank: Our plan was to tell people he was two months premature. Then he was born. Try passing off a 12-pound baby as premature.
Marie: Try passing it, period.

Frank: How come you told your mother about Amy and you didn't tell me.
Robert: You didn't ask.
Debra: You asked?
Marie: I care about people.
Amy: Marie, why would you ask that about me?
Debra: You know, I can explain it. Run. Just run and keep running.

Amy: Robert, why would you tell your mother that?
Ray: So she'd like you better.
Debra: You're worse. You lied so she'd like me better.
Ray: A lie of love.
Debra: Oh, God. I keep forgetting what a freak show this family is until somebody new comes in and looks at us like that. I remember that look. That used to be me. And now I'm one of them.

Ray: What does she mean, she likes her more?
Robert: They're very close. You know, they talk every day.
Ray: Every day? What about yesterday?
Robert: Was yesterday a day? Every day. For hours.
Frank: That's true. Amy talks her out. Marie sometimes goes days without having to say a word to me. I love Amy.

Debra: What is this, like some kind of competition between you two?
Ray: No! What?
Debra: Oh, my God, it is. You can't stand it that your mommy likes Robbie's girl better than your girl.
Ray: I'm a little insulted by that.
Debra: You're insulted? I'm just this thing in your stupid sibling rivalry.
Ray: There's no rivalry.
Debra: Oh no? Robbie's got the better girl, Ray. We're behind. What are we gonna do?
Ray: Where are you going?
Debra: Well, I've got a lot of work to do. There's the evening gown competition. There's swimsuit competition. Oh, my God. Talent competition. What should I do? Twirl or sing? I know. I'll do both. [sings] One singular sensation Every little step she takes One thrilling combination Every move that she makes. Idiot!
Ray: Nice. Very nice. Nice attitude. Forget about Miss Congeniality, that's for sure. I'm not an idiot.

Ray: Did you say that you like Amy more than Debra?
Marie: I am not... saying that.
Ray: What?
Marie: I am not saying that I like Amy more than Debra.
Ray: I know. I know you're not saying it now. But did you say it, ever? [Marie is silent] What if I told you that we have a tape of you saying it, Ma?
Marie: Give me the tape.
Ray: There is no tape.
Marie: Then you don't have any proof at all.

Marie: Why would you lie to me, Raymond?
Ray: Because of you. You. You care so much about who's a good girl and who's not. You started this whole competition between Debra and Amy.
Amy: [enters] Here we go. What competition?
Debra: Don't worry. You win.
Frank: [to Robert] And if I'm following this right you lose.

Marie: I take exception to that, Debra.
Debra: Well, I take exception to what you think, Marie. You think just because you were a good girl in the '50s--
Frank: "Good girl"! Ha!
Marie: Oh, Frank, no!
Robert: Oh, Mom.
Ray: What the hell are you talking about?
Debra: ls that true, Marie?
Marie: l.. I... I.. Uh...
Amy: Go ahead, Marie. I won't tell anyone.

Ray: What? Amy is a good girl? But she's 33 years old, Ma. She can't be.
Marie: She can't?
Ray: I mean, yeah, she can, but how? It's so...
Marie: Refreshing?
Ray: Wow, I don't believe it. So Amy's never let anybody cook in her kitchen, either.
Marie: I don't like that, Raymond.

Robert: Okay, all right. Wait a minute. It's nine months, right? You were married in September and my birthday's in June.
Frank: That's when we told you your birthday was.
Robert: What?
Marie: It was easier that way, Robbie.
Robert: Oh, well, as long as it was easy! Well, there you go, Raymond. You were conceived legitimately. You win again.