Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Christmas Present’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: Christmas Present

511. Christmas Present

Aired December 11, 2000

Ray wants to go all out with Debra's Christmas gift so she will let him go on a golf weekend.

Quote from Frank

Frank: What did you do? Try to soften her up with a big present so you could go play golf?
Ray: For your information, Dad, it's a little more complicated than that.
Frank: You're an idiot. Give me that chocolate. Sit down. Let me tell you something about women. You think you've got to butter them up to get what you want. That is a poor man's game. "Oh, sweetums, here's some flowers. Can I go to the lodge?" Not for me. Not for me! I don't do that nice crap.
Robert: So how do you get what you want?
Frank: I've learned to do without.

Rate

Quote from Frank

Frank: This one says "For Debra from Ra." R-r-r-a Looks like "Rap."
Ray: You think it might be Ray, Dad?
Frank: No.
Marie: Frank, put your glasses on. You're blind.
Frank: And what would be the upside of seeing you more clearly?

Quote from Marie

Debra: I knew you would like this. And I love my pots! I'm gonna try 'em out right now.
Marie: Well, I better go help her. They're not magic pots.

Quote from Marie

Marie: What is a DVD player?
Ray: Come on, not now, Ma, please.
Marie: Is it for pornography?
Debra: Yes, Marie, I got Ray a porn machine.
Marie: I don't like that, Debra.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Come on, it's like you don't even want to go to the movies.
Debra: It's okay.
Ray: Wait a minute. You want to not go to the movies.
Debra: What?
Ray: Yeah, that's right. Because then if you go to the movies, you don't get to say "I never get to go to the movies."
Debra: When do I say that?
Ray: You say that all the time. "I never get to do anything." You love that. You're like one of those... What do you call them?
Debra: A martyr?
Ray: Yes!

Quote from Debra

Debra: You tried to bribe me!
Ray: No, no, it's not bribing. It's just it's getting you something nice so you would give me something nice, huh? I got you this engagement ring so you would marry me.
Debra: Yeah, I fell for that one too.

Quote from Debra

Debra: I should make you help me out more around here.
Ray: Well, it's not like I have nothing to do.
Debra: No, really, you know? I work too hard. I don't need to be a martyr.
Ray: I don't think you want to give it up cold turkey.
Debra: You know what? I've been up since 5:00. I'm gonna go take a nap.
Ray: Okay, but what about the Christmas dinner?
Debra: Your mom can make it. She wants to anyway. Listen, would you mind straightening up the living room? And then make sure the kids get washed and dressed, okay? Thanks, that'd help me a lot.
Ray: I'll do all those things, but then I get to golf, right?
Debra: Uh, no, I don't think so. Yeah, but I mean, how could I not think of myself as a martyr if I'm stuck at home with the kids while you're golfing with your buddies?
Ray: Yeah, about martyrs, a lot of them became saints.
Debra: No, you're right. And thank you, 'cause you really helped me. This is a great Christmas.

Quote from Ray

Robert: So, are we going away on a golf weekend, or what?
Ray: Yes, we are. I spoke to my connection in Myrtle Beach, he pulled a couple strings, we're in!
Robert: This is gonna be beautiful. I'm gonna buy a new pair of plaid pants.
Ray: I just gotta check a couple things out first.
Robert: What do you mean? You said we're in. You haven't asked Debra yet, have you?
Ray: Not yet, but I'm just... I'm laying the foundation, okay? It's a whole process, man.
Robert: You gotta make this happen for me, come on. I need something to look forward to in my soup-for-one life.
Ray: I know, it just requires a little finagling, that's all.
Robert: Oh God, what are you gonna do?
Ray: Don't worry your large, rectangular head.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Hey, Deb. Hi. You look nice.
Debra: Totally gross, I haven't had a chance to shower yet.
Ray: Aw, you'd never know it. Okay, wait. Wait wait. What do you want for Christmas?
Debra: Honey, I gotta go.
Ray: I just want to know. What do I get the world's most beautiful woman?
Robert: Oh God.
Debra: Well, I don't know what she wants, but I could use a crock pot.

Quote from Ray

Ray: A crock pot?
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: Cause of the melted crayons?
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: That was Ally's idea.
Debra: Yeah? She said it was Daddy's.
Ray: Well then, she's a little liar, isn't she?

Quote from Ray

Robert: Maybe I'll see Myrtle Beach from heaven.
Ray: Relax, man. I'm working on it. I just got some important information.
Robert: What? You suck at finagling?
Ray: No. Crock pot.
Robert: Right, she's gonna let you go on a golf weekend because you're getting her a crock pot.
Ray: No, you idiot, I'm not gonna get her a crock pot. A crock pot just sets the level. I have to work above that. I gotta get her something that's gonna turn her all goopy. And it has to be better than what she's getting me.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Oh, I know what she's getting you.
Ray: What? What? Come on, what?
Robert: It's a Christmas present. I can't ruin it.
Ray: Hey, you want to go to Myrtle Beach or not? I'm finagling here. You're impeding the finagle.
Robert: It's a tie! She's getting you a tie!
Ray: A tie, oh, that's great.
Robert: Yeah, an ugly tie.
Ray: Oh, beautiful! That stinks. Oh, I'll get her something really great. That'll make her feel like crap.
Robert: Like what?
Ray: Anything! What? It's an ugly tie. I got stuff under the seat of my car that could beat that.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh, look, how lovely. A sweater.
Debra: Yeah.
Marie: Where did you find it?
Debra: Macy's. You can return it if you want.
Marie: No, no, it's perfect. Such a pretty color. Macy's in Massapequa or the city?

Quote from Ray

Debra: Oh-ho, look at that, it's the crock pot. How did you know?
Ray: A cute little birdie told me.
Robert: But I thought you were-
Ray: Ba! Ba! And... Here we go.
Debra: Oh, that one is for me?
Ray: Just a little something else for someone who's something else.
Debra: Oh, Ray! What'd you do? Oh my gosh! It's all new cookware!
Marie: [laughs] Oh, sorry.
Debra: Oh, look at this, it's beautiful! I love this, but the crock pot would have been enough.
Ray: No, no it wouldn't have.
Debra: Oh! Thank you! I love it.

Quote from Debra

Frank: Here's one, "From Debra to Enormo."
Robert: It doesn't say that, Dad.
Frank: [chuckles] You knew who I was talking about, didn't you? This must be the Ferrari I asked Santa for. [opens box] Oh, this is a mistake, Dad. This one's for Raymond.
Debra: No, no, that's for you. That's for you, Robert. When you caught me with it the other day, I had to tell you it was for Ray so it would be a surprise.
Robert: [long silence] What?

Quote from Robert

Debra: Here you go. Merry Christmas.
Ray: Whoa, hey, that's heavy.
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: That's heavier than a tie.
Robert: Heavier than a crock pot, too.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Come on, open it! Come on!
Ray: Oh my God. A DVD player.
Marie: What is that? Like a hi-fi?
Ray: What'd you do?
Robert: She got you a DVD player.
Debra: Yes! Isn't that cool? This is the best one they make!
Ray: What'd you do that for?
Robert: Yeah, what the hell?
Debra: Oh! Got you some movies too.
Ray: Oh, no.
Debra: What? Don't you like it?
Ray: No, I love it, it's just it's more than I expected, you know? I would've been happy with the tie.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Nice going, Raymond! No golf! I know, instead of playing at Myrtle Beach this spring, I'll just hang myself with the world's tackiest noose.
Ray: Hey, look, don't blame me, all right? You're the one who told me she was giving me the tie. You gave me faulty information.
Robert: No, she fooled us. She's too good. I'm not cut out for this!

Quote from Frank

Frank: Hey! You don't get it, do you? It's staring you right in the face!
Ray: What?
Frank: You're so worried about your offense, you didn't play defense. The question isn't "Why didn't she give me that tie?" The question is "Why did she give me that DVD thing?"
Ray: What are you talking about? I'm her husband, she's my wife. Don't I deserve a great- [stunned silence]
Frank: Amateurs.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Wait a minute. You're saying Debra got Ray a DVD player because she wants something from him?
Frank: Of course. Where you been?
Ray: Wait, that's so weasily. That's not her, that's...
Robert: You.
Ray: Yes.
Debra: Okay! Who wants a little hot chocolate? Heated up the milk in my new two-quart saucepan. Here you go. Here you go. Thanks again for these pots, Ray, I really love them.
Ray: [to himself] Oh, I got me a black magic woman.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Will you shut up about the stupid golf? There's bigger things here.
Robert: Yeah, like what?
Ray: Like what is she up to? What is she sucking up to me for?
Frank: Maybe she wants to sleep with the bag boy from the A&P.
Ray: Yeah. I'm serious, Dad.
Frank: Have you seen the bag boy?
Ray: Will you stop?
Frank: Hey, don't shoot the messenger.
Ray: Come on, I gotta think, what does she want? What do women want? [pondering silence]
Robert: I think it's a bag boy.

Quote from Ray

Ray: All right, here's what I want. The guys are thinking of going to Myrtle Beach for a weekend for golf. And I was thinking I wanna go with them. Yeah. How's that grab you?
Debra: For a whole weekend?
Ray: Yeah, a whole matter of fact I think it's a three-day weekend. So, yeah, I feel like going. I think I'm gonna go. All right?
Debra: Well, that's three days with just me and the kids.
Ray: Yep.
Debra: You should go.
Ray: All right! What's going on?!
[As Ray gestures with the beater, he flicks chocolate at Debra.]
Debra: What is going on with you? Give me that!
[Behind Debra's back, Marie hands Raymond another chocolate-covered beater. When Debra sees it, she takes that one too.]
Debra: What is wrong with you?

Quote from Debra

Ray: Look, don't change the subject here. I don't like being played.
Debra: You think I got you that DVD thing because I want something?
Ray: No, because you love me! Come on, huh! What is it? What do you want?
Marie: We're waiting.
Debra: I don't want anything. I was trying to get you something I thought might make you happy because, as a matter of fact, I do love you. And it's Christmas and I wanted to get you a DVD player.
Ray: Oh, well thanks, then. I'm gonna go set it up.
Debra: Just a minute. Did you get me those pots so I would let you play golf?
Ray: Whoa! Whoa, whoa. Come on! What? Where's this coming from?
Debra: Unbelievable.

Quote from Debra

Debra: So what, Ray? Is this what you always do? Have you ever gotten me a present without expecting something in return?
Ray: Yes, plenty of times.
Debra: Yeah, it's just like the kissing. You only kiss me 'cause you think it's gonna lead to sex.
Ray: Oh, baby, that is not true.
Debra: You know, the worst part isn't that you're a manipulative jerk, it's that you think I'm like you!
Ray: No, I don't think you're manipulative. I think you're pretty.
[Debra takes the beater and flicks chocolate at Ray]
Ray: Come on! Those could've had walnuts in 'em!

Quote from Ray

Ray: Listen, if there's something fun that you want to do, you should do it.
Debra: Yep, all right.
Ray: No, come on. You deserve to have fun too.
Debra: Yeah, okay. When the kids go to college, I'll see a movie.
Ray: You don't have to wait. You want to go to the movies? Go. Go today if you want.
Debra: Yeah, I'm gonna go on Christmas.
Ray: Jewish people do. All right then, you go this weekend.
Debra: Yeah, like that'll happen.
Ray: I'm saying it'll happen. Go to the movies! Come on. I'll take care of the kids, I'll take care of everything. Come on, it'll make me feel better. I don't want to get a DVD player and golf and niceness and you get pots. Come on, go to the movies.

Quote from Ray

Debra: I'm not a martyr.
Ray: Then how come I don't help out around here?
Debra: How come you don't help out around here?!
Ray: Because you don't want me to! 'Cause you want to do it all because then you can feel superior!
Debra: You- [stammers]
Ray: You stammer because you know I speak true.
Debra: Do you know how close you are to the end of your life?
Ray: I'm not scared. I'm not scared because I'm onto something here. Hmm? Like the DVD player. Why? Why? Why, after years of complaining that all I do is lay around and watch television would you buy me a device that is designed to make the television watching experience even better? We must ask ourselves why?
Debra: You're right. Why the hell would I buy you a DVD player?
Ray: You have problems.
Debra: I do! What is wrong with me?
Ray: I do not know.

Quote from Frank

Frank: Marie, come here.
Marie: What? What is it?
Frank: Here.
Marie: For me?
Frank: Yeah, Merry Christmas.
Marie: Frank, you already gave me lottery tickets.
Frank: Those were a bust. Just open it.
Marie: Okay. Oh, Frank, earrings. They're beautiful. Oh, thank you.
Frank: Okay, listen, just one thing. You didn't get those from me.

Quote from Ray

Ray: I want to know, what's going on with the kissing and the marshmallows and the letting me play golf and the big, expensive DVD player.
Debra: Is that what this is? You're worried about how much it cost?
Ray: Yes. What is the cost to me?


 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode