Frank: What did you do? Try to soften her up with a big present so you could go play golf?
Ray: For your information, Dad, it's a little more complicated than that.
Frank: You're an idiot. Give me that chocolate. Sit down. Let me tell you something about women. You think you've got to butter them up to get what you want. That is a poor man's game. "Oh, sweetums, here's some flowers. Can I go to the lodge?" Not for me. Not for me! I don't do that nice crap.
Robert: So how do you get what you want?
Frank: I've learned to do without.

Frank: This one says "For Debra from Ra." R-r-r-a... Looks like "Rap."
Ray: You think it might be Ray, Dad?
Frank: No.
Marie: Frank, put your glasses on. You're blind.
Frank: And what would be the upside of seeing you more clearly?

Debra: I knew you would like this. And I love my pots! I'm gonna try 'em out right now.
Marie: Well, I better go help her. They're not magic pots.

Marie: What is a DVD player?
Ray: Come on, not now, Ma, please.
Marie: Is it for pornography?
Debra: Yes, Marie, I got Ray a porn machine.
Marie: I don't like that, Debra.

Ray: Come on, it's like you don't even want to go to the movies.
Debra: It's okay.
Ray: Wait a minute. You want to not go to the movies.
Debra: What?
Ray: Yeah, that's right. Because then if you go to the movies, you don't get to say "I never get to go to the movies."
Debra: When do I say that?
Ray: You say that all the time. "I never get to do anything." You love that. You're like one of those... What do you call them?
Debra: A martyr?
Ray: Yes!

Debra: You tried to bribe me!
Ray: No, no, it's not bribing. It's just it's getting you something nice so you would give me something nice, huh? I got you this engagement ring so you would marry me.
Debra: Yeah, I fell for that one too.

Debra: I should make you help me out more around here.
Ray: Well, it's not like I have nothing to do.
Debra: No, really, you know? I work too hard. I don't need to be a martyr.
Ray: I don't think you want to give it up cold turkey.
Debra: You know what? I've been up since 5:00. I'm gonna go take a nap.
Ray: Okay, but what about the Christmas dinner?
Debra: Your mom can make it. She wants to anyway. Listen, would you mind straightening up the living room? And then make sure the kids get washed and dressed, okay? Thanks, that'd help me a lot.
Ray: I'll do all those things, but then I get to golf, right?
Debra: Uh, no, I don't think so. Yeah, but I mean, how could I not think of myself as a martyr if I'm stuck at home with the kids while you're golfing with your buddies?
Ray: Yeah, about martyrs, a lot of them became saints.
Debra: No, you're right. And thank you, 'cause you really helped me. This is a great Christmas.

Robert: So, are we going away on a golf weekend, or what?
Ray: Yes, we are. I spoke to my connection in Myrtle Beach, he pulled a couple strings, we're in!
Robert: This is gonna be beautiful. I'm gonna buy a new pair of plaid pants.
Ray: I just gotta check a couple things out first.
Robert: What do you mean? You said we're in. You haven't asked Debra yet, have you?
Ray: Not yet, but I'm just... I'm laying the foundation, okay? It's a whole process, man.
Robert: You gotta make this happen for me, come on. I need something to look forward to in my soup-for-one life.
Ray: I know, it just requires a little finagling, that's all.
Robert: Oh God, what are you gonna do?
Ray: Don't worry your large, rectangular head.

Ray: Hey, Deb. Hi. You look nice.
Debra: Totally gross, I haven't had a chance to shower yet.
Ray: Aw, you'd never know it. Okay, wait. Wait wait. What do you want for Christmas?
Debra: Honey, I gotta go.
Ray: I just want to know. What do I get the world's most beautiful woman?
Robert: Oh God.
Debra: Well, I don't know what she wants, but I could use a crock pot.

Ray: A crock pot?
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: Cause of the melted crayons?
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: That was Ally's idea.
Debra: Yeah? She said it was Daddy's.
Ray: Well then, she's a little liar, isn't she?