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‘Christmas Present’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Christmas Present

511. Christmas Present

Aired December 11, 2000

Ray wants to go all out with Debra's Christmas gift so she will let him go on a golf weekend.

Quote from Frank

Frank: What did you do? Try to soften her up with a big present so you could go play golf?
Ray: For your information, Dad, it's a little more complicated than that.
Frank: You're an idiot. Give me that chocolate. Sit down. Let me tell you something about women. You think you've got to butter them up to get what you want. That is a poor man's game. "Oh, sweetums, here's some flowers. Can I go to the lodge?" Not for me. Not for me! I don't do that nice crap.
Robert: So how do you get what you want?
Frank: I've learned to do without.

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Quote from Frank

Frank: This one says "For Debra from Ra." R-r-r-a Looks like "Rap."
Ray: You think it might be Ray, Dad?
Frank: No.
Marie: Frank, put your glasses on. You're blind.
Frank: And what would be the upside of seeing you more clearly?

Quote from Marie

Debra: I knew you would like this. And I love my pots! I'm gonna try 'em out right now.
Marie: Well, I better go help her. They're not magic pots.

Quote from Marie

Marie: What is a DVD player?
Ray: Come on, not now, Ma, please.
Marie: Is it for pornography?
Debra: Yes, Marie, I got Ray a porn machine.
Marie: I don't like that, Debra.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Come on, it's like you don't even want to go to the movies.
Debra: It's okay.
Ray: Wait a minute. You want to not go to the movies.
Debra: What?
Ray: Yeah, that's right. Because then if you go to the movies, you don't get to say "I never get to go to the movies."
Debra: When do I say that?
Ray: You say that all the time. "I never get to do anything." You love that. You're like one of those... What do you call them?
Debra: A martyr?
Ray: Yes!

Quote from Debra

Debra: You tried to bribe me!
Ray: No, no, it's not bribing. It's just it's getting you something nice so you would give me something nice, huh? I got you this engagement ring so you would marry me.
Debra: Yeah, I fell for that one too.

Quote from Debra

Debra: I should make you help me out more around here.
Ray: Well, it's not like I have nothing to do.
Debra: No, really, you know? I work too hard. I don't need to be a martyr.
Ray: I don't think you want to give it up cold turkey.
Debra: You know what? I've been up since 5:00. I'm gonna go take a nap.
Ray: Okay, but what about the Christmas dinner?
Debra: Your mom can make it. She wants to anyway. Listen, would you mind straightening up the living room? And then make sure the kids get washed and dressed, okay? Thanks, that'd help me a lot.
Ray: I'll do all those things, but then I get to golf, right?
Debra: Uh, no, I don't think so. Yeah, but I mean, how could I not think of myself as a martyr if I'm stuck at home with the kids while you're golfing with your buddies?
Ray: Yeah, about martyrs, a lot of them became saints.
Debra: No, you're right. And thank you, 'cause you really helped me. This is a great Christmas.

Quote from Ray

Robert: So, are we going away on a golf weekend, or what?
Ray: Yes, we are. I spoke to my connection in Myrtle Beach, he pulled a couple strings, we're in!
Robert: This is gonna be beautiful. I'm gonna buy a new pair of plaid pants.
Ray: I just gotta check a couple things out first.
Robert: What do you mean? You said we're in. You haven't asked Debra yet, have you?
Ray: Not yet, but I'm just... I'm laying the foundation, okay? It's a whole process, man.
Robert: You gotta make this happen for me, come on. I need something to look forward to in my soup-for-one life.
Ray: I know, it just requires a little finagling, that's all.
Robert: Oh God, what are you gonna do?
Ray: Don't worry your large, rectangular head.

Quote from Debra

Ray: Hey, Deb. Hi. You look nice.
Debra: Totally gross, I haven't had a chance to shower yet.
Ray: Aw, you'd never know it. Okay, wait. Wait wait. What do you want for Christmas?
Debra: Honey, I gotta go.
Ray: I just want to know. What do I get the world's most beautiful woman?
Robert: Oh God.
Debra: Well, I don't know what she wants, but I could use a crock pot.

Quote from Ray

Ray: A crock pot?
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: Cause of the melted crayons?
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: That was Ally's idea.
Debra: Yeah? She said it was Daddy's.
Ray: Well then, she's a little liar, isn't she?

Quote from Ray

Robert: Maybe I'll see Myrtle Beach from heaven.
Ray: Relax, man. I'm working on it. I just got some important information.
Robert: What? You suck at finagling?
Ray: No. Crock pot.
Robert: Right, she's gonna let you go on a golf weekend because you're getting her a crock pot.
Ray: No, you idiot, I'm not gonna get her a crock pot. A crock pot just sets the level. I have to work above that. I gotta get her something that's gonna turn her all goopy. And it has to be better than what she's getting me.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Oh, I know what she's getting you.
Ray: What? What? Come on, what?
Robert: It's a Christmas present. I can't ruin it.
Ray: Hey, you want to go to Myrtle Beach or not? I'm finagling here. You're impeding the finagle.
Robert: It's a tie! She's getting you a tie!
Ray: A tie, oh, that's great.
Robert: Yeah, an ugly tie.
Ray: Oh, beautiful! That stinks. Oh, I'll get her something really great. That'll make her feel like crap.
Robert: Like what?
Ray: Anything! What? It's an ugly tie. I got stuff under the seat of my car that could beat that.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh, look, how lovely. A sweater.
Debra: Yeah.
Marie: Where did you find it?
Debra: Macy's. You can return it if you want.
Marie: No, no, it's perfect. Such a pretty color. Macy's in Massapequa or the city?

Quote from Ray

Debra: Oh-ho, look at that, it's the crock pot. How did you know?
Ray: A cute little birdie told me.
Robert: But I thought you were-
Ray: Ba! Ba! And... Here we go.
Debra: Oh, that one is for me?
Ray: Just a little something else for someone who's something else.
Debra: Oh, Ray! What'd you do? Oh my gosh! It's all new cookware!
Marie: [laughs] Oh, sorry.
Debra: Oh, look at this, it's beautiful! I love this, but the crock pot would have been enough.
Ray: No, no it wouldn't have.
Debra: Oh! Thank you! I love it.

Quote from Debra

Frank: Here's one, "From Debra to Enormo."
Robert: It doesn't say that, Dad.
Frank: [chuckles] You knew who I was talking about, didn't you? This must be the Ferrari I asked Santa for. [opens box] Oh, this is a mistake, Dad. This one's for Raymond.
Debra: No, no, that's for you. That's for you, Robert. When you caught me with it the other day, I had to tell you it was for Ray so it would be a surprise.
Robert: [long silence] What?

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